you've made me as gold purified through these flames.

...so, somehow, amazingly, God has brought beauty from this messy disaster that I caused. a week or 2 (or 3 or 4) ago, I would've said that this was one of God's trials... and I guess in a way it was, but it might not have had to happen if I'd been walking closely with Him.
yesterday, I was reading my bible & devotional book (My Utmost for His Highest- I HIGHLY recommend this book!), and the devo for the day was about being Jesus' friend. It said that the only way we can know that we're really Jesus' friend, is when we're able to lay down our life (figuratively [in this case], or literally) for Him. and i realized- I've always said I would give my life for any of my friends. because I would. If I had to die to take one of their places, I would be FINE with that. but when I have to give my friends, who ARE my life, up for Him... I wouldn't. I couldn't be his true friend, because I wouldn't give my friends (AKA- my life) up for him {Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13)}.
anyway, so yesterday I made up my mind and said, "No matter what, God, you're first place from here on out. I refuse to put anyone or anything before you any more. Please calm my troubled heart and bring your peace that passes my understanding into my life. "
and He did.
cuz he always does.

God of my Days

i love this song. and it is oh-so-applicable to my life right now.

God of my Days
God of my Days,
King of my nights,
Lord of my laughter,
Sovereign in sorrow.
the Prince of my praise,
you're the love of my life-
you never leave me,
you are faithful,
God of my days.

my eyes are on you,
my hope is in you,
my faith is in you.
------------------
i don't know the rest of the lyrics. but this is all I need.

a prayer.

*sigh*
It's me again, God. Stuck where I've been for the past month. God, please tell me I'm not gonna have to make it without her. I don't think I can. This hurts so much.
oh, God.
I can't do this.
I can't.
and I don't want to.
she's part of me. We're like sisters, you know that. And now she's just gonna be ripped away from me? I don't get it.
2 days before it all began, you had April sing that song for a reason. You had her say those exact words because you knew that in 72 hours, they would be all I had to believe that you'd carry me through this. God, I know that it's only through the fire that I'm refined, made as pure as gold. But i don't want to have to go through this fire! but, then, I'm already in it, aren't I?
God, please. Just ease the pain. Just a little. Please.