lyrics that describe my life currently.

I really liked it when I did this last time... so here we go again...

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I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith, But giving up would cost me everything. So I'll stand in the pain and silence, And I'll speak to the dark night: I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. And I, I believe. Though I can't see my stories ending, That doesn't mean the dark night has no end. It's only here that I find faith and learn to trust the one who writes my days.

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Your blood speaks a better word than all the empty claims I've heard upon this earth. Speaks righteousness for me, stands in my defense- Jesus, it's your blood. Your blood. Jesus' blood never fails me. Jesus' blood never fails me. Jesus' blood! Jesus' blood!

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If you say go, we will go. If you say wait, we will wait. If you say step out on the water, and they say it can't be done, we'll fix our eyes on you and we will come!

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I don't know how it is you looked at me and saw the person that I could be- awakening my heart, breaking through the dark, suddenly your grace... like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful. mercy, reaching to save me, all that I need, you are so beautiful, beautiful.

the way to begin

"...I've reached the end, and You are the way to begin..."

was my cry to God last night. it felt like the end of all things. graduation. pomp and circumstance. cap and gown. cliche cards, money out the wazoo, and CONGRATULATIONS! they all made graduation feel so... routine? so ordinary instead of extraordinary. nothing special... just what was expected.

it doesn't feel any different. I mean, it was great and all celebrating it and getting my diploma. but it didn't feel like the ahmazing supertastical celebration I though it would be. it was just expected that I would graduate. duhhh.

so anyway. it was kind of depressing, how soon it all ended and how fast I've grown up. I had to turn that over to God... because if I'd held on to that, there is no telling how long I would stay caught in "the end". but, like a girl said in her speech at the graduation, don't miss now.

I don't want to miss each moment, savor the flavors, and take in the colors. I've reached the end, there is nowhere else to turn. it's time to begin again.

here we go.

paul=wow.

I've been reading through the Bible this year, and am currently flying through all of Paul's letters to the churches, Timothy, and Titus. Tonight I started Titus, and for the umpteenth time in the past 3 weeks or so, I was utterly blown away by how amazing Paul was. I want to meet that man so badly. He was such a thinker, sometimes I have to re-read his writings sooo many times to comprehend what he's said. but check this out, I find it to be so true!

Titus 1:15-16 "To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good."

HOW CONVICTING.

If I find myself thinking impure or perverted thoughts, or seeing those things as funny, the passage in Ephesians 5 often pops into my head. There, Paul urges us to walk as children of the light and have no part of darkness in us. and now this! wow. If I am finding ANYTHING AT ALL in my life to be impure, corrupted, or twisted- THAT MEANS I AM IMPURE, CORRUPT AND TWISTED. just goes to show that our heart really is deceitful above all else! (Jeremiah 17:9).

Oh, God, help me to lift you up with my actions, attitudes, thoughts, and words. I don't want to deny you in any way! I want to be fit to do good and bring glory to you. So purify my heart, that I may become like you.

second chances.

sometimes the past just won't leave me alone. seems like I finally get past something, or am able to move past memories with someone... only to suddenly have it spring back into my life. why does this always seem to happen to me? something happens that pulls me away from someone. and just when I finally adjust to it, they come back. and why does it seem like they're always better when the second time comes back around? more friendly, or kinder, or cuter, or easier to talk to. why does this happen? with guys, with friends... always happens. uggghhhh. I don't like it a whole lot. with friends, sometimes it's ok. with guys? never good.

it always just seems to make life more complicated. like life is easy to begin with and I NEED more complication? negatory.

and then I'm caught in this, do-I-try-to-let-them-back-in-or-do-I-ignore-the-attempt scenario. which is never easy to decipher. EVER. I hate making those decisions (of course I hate almost any decision-making, but...), they're the worst.

bahahaha... I just realized what a pessimist I'm being. and I feel kinda bad... but blogging is my emotion release and well, this is the most present emotion right now.

so the sum of all this is:

do I give them a second chance or not? is this worth it? or will I get walked out on again?

bad moods.

yes, I'm weird. I eat peanut butter and cheese sandwiches. I hate geometry. I love poetry. I actually enjoy school most of the time. I have the heart of an artist, which means I am basically bipolar. I can be grinning from ear to ear one moment and ready to rip someone's head off within minutes. I peel the crust off my bread. I haaaate cockroaches. I like to sit on top of my mailbox. I get extremely nervous in awkward situations. When I have to speak in front of people, my heart beats out of my chest. I can't stand fast-food hamburgers. Love scenes in movies make me feel extremely awkward/weird. I have a huge celebrity crush on William Moseley. that often embarrasses me. I hate feeling different from other people, especially close friends. I get that feeling often. I often bare my heart on my blog (obviously). Music soothes my emotions. I am the most worried, scared, and naturally anxious person on the face of the earth. I have horrible self-esteem. I am scared of being an old maid. I am also scared of getting married. I hate the color of my eyes. I wish I was a kid again. I love quotes. I am self-centered. I don't deserve my Savior. But I am so in love with him. I can't live without him. I think about guys too much. I focus on fear too much. I am often ADD/ADHD. I don't recycle. I feel ugly. I want so badly to pay someone back sometimes... but never do. I regret my words so often. I wish chick flicks were reality. I have so much growing up to do. I hope someone loves me.

but then it's not about me. so none of that matters, does it?

it's all about Him.

and I thank him that I don't matter, that He is everything. because I am nothing.