the coming undone.

I just wanna yell at You, God.
While I know it's wrong,
My heart's song has slowly faded,
Leaving me here, confused, jaded.


What happened to me?
Did the music leave my soul
Or is it still there,
Trying to make me whole?


I can't hear Your song.
Did You stop it?
I can't hear anything.
Yet I need it, I need to sing
To find You again, King.
Sing me back to You.


I still and search and wait...
On nothing? At this rate,
I'll sit here forever.
JUST SPEAK, LORD.
SING OVER ME.
When I can't tell if You're there,
I forget how to breathe.


How dare I doubt,
How dare I raise my voice?
How dare I demand a response?


Yet doesn't He see me here, stuck?
Out of luck.
Can't He hear my heart screeching,
Or is He simply teaching?


Lessons in silence-
I hate them the most.
They make me lose myself,
My sanity, they leave me unable to cope,
I stop and abandon all hope.


But I don't want to go
Back there again.
Doesn't He know that?
Can't He see what a mess I am
And that there's no use
Salvaging this rubbish?


I need Him.
I need His music.
I need to know He's actually there,
He actually cares.
I need to know if He thinks I'm worth saving.
Or am I simply draining?


Hi, nice to meet you,
I'm lost, confused, hopeless.
Nice to see you, 
They call me passionless.
Good to see you today, while I'm down at rock bottom.
Hope you have a nice day,
While I drown, lungs full of air.


Please forgive me for making up all these excuses.
Please remind me just why I'm still trying.


SATAN, STOP IT.
GOD COME! GOD COME!
WHERE ARE YOU?!
RESCUE.
HOSANNA: SAVE NOW!


I feel this battle over my
Heart, mind, & soul.
I know you're here,
Fighting for me.


I just need You.
I need Your song.
Sing it in my heart,
Remind me of Your tune,
And we can harmonize
Your beautiful melody.
Just give me time to open my eyes.


{written 5.4.2011}

and the ultimate goal is...

I love how God works. he works in weird, mysterious, and unimaginable ways. which he's been doing a lot of in my life lately. can I just take you back a couple days and tell you what an awesome thing He did?
so I'm in adult choir at church, and we had practice wednesday night. my two good friends that joined choir with me were both out of town, so I'm in practice alone. not fully alone of course, cause there's a whole choir, but with no friends. A couple of the songs I struggled hearing my part and was too shy to ask to hear it again, because all the songs we're doing are ones that people who've been in adult choir all ready know, so it's like beating a dead horse for them.
anyway, I'm feeling less and less secure in my sight-singing, and found myself just getting really depressed. after all, I'm a quarter of the way done with my Music Ed. major, and I can't even hear the stinking second soprano part! (not to mention the fact that I don't even know if I should be singing first or second soprano or alto, or what.) and I was just so wrapped up in thinking, "If I'm sitting here in a choir and I can't hear my part with the piano playing under me, how on earth am I going to be a good music TEACHER?! I can't do this!" It continued to grow in depressing-ness, to the point that I eventually stopped singing and was just mouthing the words. I fought back the tears that tried to well up in my eyes. It was a horrible feeling, a terrible thought, and a worse moment. Then we finally finished that song and in my head all I could think was "I just can't do it. I can't be a music teacher. I'm not good enough." 
then, our director looked right at me and smile slyly. 
she held up a 2x2 slip of white paper.
"I don't know who this is for, or why it's here, but I just found this paper in my book. God put this in here for me to share with someone tonight: 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
there was more she said, and I wasn't the only one she looked at, but it sure felt like the whole room was staring me down. 
She moved on to other songs, and I tried not to cry my way through them, but it ended up I did.
God completely broke me, and it was all I could do to stay in the room and not run to my car and bawl my eyes out. 
He put that in there for me.
I'd never had complete confirmation of my chosen major until that point, and it was settled. God has some reason for me to be a music teacher, and I can do it. Though I doubt myself, I cannot doubt His power working in me. "With His power working in us, we are able to do immeasurably more than anything we could ever hope or imagine," is the Becca version of Ephesians 3:20-21. and how true that is. 
God, forgive me when I doubt your power. Forgive me for being so self-focused and self-pitying. I don't want to doubt your ultimate plan for my life, please help me to learn to trust you with everything in every circumstance. Develop me. Mold me. Sharpen me. Just use me, please. Use me.

the burning basement

So I'm reading this book, Chasing Elephants: Wrestling with the Gray Areas of Life. It's talking about freedom in Christ and how being made free leads us to be responsible to minister to others and implore their reconciliation with God. It uses the analogy of having plans with a friend to hang out... You drive up to their house to pick them up and see thick black smoke billowing out of the basement. Do you drive past and say, "Oh well, I guess I'll have to find someone else to hang out with, that guy is toast."? Never. You stop your car, run in, and try to rescue them from certain death! It's the same way with sharing the urgency of reconciliation with Christ. "The house is on fire, and people all around us are doomed to eternity separated from God if we don't warn them to reconcile with him while they still can," the book states. I can't help but think of a few specific friends of mine that I know haven't experienced Christ's true salvation. They can talk about Jesus all day, pray for things with a little humor to make light of the situation, and maybe even tell you a few bible stories. But when it comes down to it, they are spending an eternity separated from Christ. I can't help but imagine them sitting in the burning building catching up on Facebook, and when Christ comes in to their rescue, they sit there telling him how cool it is that he would try to help them, and how he must be really brave, and so on... All the while they come closer to the deathly flames. Am I going to sit by and let them slowly burn, or am I going to implore them to be made right with God? It's a convicting thought, not one that I necessarily like to be met with. Nonetheless, it's reality. One that I am going to let change me.