sometimes the past needs to be let out to die.

thought I could deal with the pain

was convinced I could end just as strong

knew that I'd handle the hurt

but, oh boy... I see I was wrong.

I thought you were in deeper than I

I thought you were the one who'd be crushed

and it turns out that life seems to stop

and the air leaves your lungs with a rush.

why did I have to say it?

why did you never care?

why couldn't you man up and leave me,

when you knew that time was up for this pair?

and now here I am,

crying in my bed.

wishing I could run away

to escape all the thoughts in my head.

I wish you'd meant the words you said

I wish I knew they were true

so I wouldn't be sitting here

thinking of life without you.

{written November 2009}

overanalyzation

I have no clue how to get my feelings into words. It's not like anyone reads this anyway so I suppose it doesn't matter. But I still need to get them out so I can hopefully begin to understand them. Yet I don't see how I can understand these feelings... cuz I don't understand much of anything right now. I don't understand why some people react so differently to things than I. I mean, I know we're different. But their responses are such polar opposites of mine.

Sometimes I wish that they could react they way I expect them to, or the way I would. other times I wish I could react the way they do. I guess it just comes straight down to the fact that I'm a perfectionist. I want everything to work out the way I want it to when I want it to. I know what I want, what I expect, and I presume those expectations on myself and others.

Ugh. I hate it when I overanalyze.

We had a good year, now let's have another.

"Take it all down, Christmas is over, Do not despair but rather be glad. We had a good year, now let's have another, remembering all the good times that we had. Oh, no more lights glistening, no more carols to sing, But Christmas, it makes way for spring. The hearts of men are bitter and weathered, as cold as snow that falls from above. But just for one day, we all came together, we showed the whole world that we know how to love. " -Boxing Day, Relient K

January 1st, 2010.
Think of all the blank pages ahead of us. All the amazing memories, and even painful ones. They grow us, help us learn. We may not invite them, or like them when they are happening...but after it's all over, I, for one, am thankful for those times.
Here we come, 2010. Are you ready for this? I know I'm not.
I am honestly scared to death. There is too much that's happened and not resolved itself lately that is carrying over into this year. Yet as much as I wish it weren't, it is. And I will make it. Through the blood of the Lamb, I will overcome. We can do this, with Him.