what on earth?

As I sit in the floor of my bathroom, on my almost-numb booty and try to keep my brain from scrambling up these morse-code-like rhythmic tones humming in my earbuds. I hate you, homework. I hate school. I hate being here. I just want to go home.

I know it's not like me to be so depressed over something so small, and it's not like me to want to give up so quickly. What on earth is going on with me?

and it hits me... it's not something "on earth". The stinking devil is tripping me up REAL good. Why does it surprise me that right as I'm really beginning to get back to God, and really fall into His Love, that I get super depressed and want to give up on everything? It shouldn't. I should expect this and be ready for it, but I never am. and I often let him win.

God, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to change the fact that I let the devil affect me. Please protect me and help me guard my heart & mind. Carry out your will in my life, no matter what ways it takes, but support me God. I can't do anything without you.

prayer & lyrics

God, I know my prayer life is slacking lately. I want to know you more and become closer to you- I'm tired of being too lazy and too busy to talk to You and listen to You. I want you to execute Your will in my life, and I want to know Your voice. I know when I call you will answer... but I pray that you'd put the desire in my heart to call on you more. On this day, I am making a routine of talking to you at length about what's happening in my life and finding out Your opinion on it. I know I'm so imperfect and there is no way I can do this every single day for forever... but I want to. and I'm going to give it my best shot. Help me. Give me a hunger for You. As you wish.

Lastly, lyrics that currently describe my life. :)

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why do you run? why do you hide? oh, don't you know I just, just wanna be with you- to BE with you? {Kutless}

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the more I seek You, the more I find You. the more I find You, the more I love You. I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand; lay back against you and breathe, feel your heartbeat. this love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming. {Kari Jobe}

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how high, oh how wide... no matter where I am, healing is in Your hands. how deep, how strong... now by your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands. {Christy Nockels}

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let hope rise, and darkness tremble in Your holy light, that every eye will see Jesus, our God, great and mighty to be praised. with everything, with everything, we will shout for your glory. with everything, with everything, we will shout forth your praise. {Hillsong}

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find me here and speak to me. I want to feel you. I need to hear you... cause you're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything. everything. {Lifehouse}

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I'm in like with you. Not in love with you quite yet... and my heart's beginning to slightly overrule my head. oh no, oh no, my self control- it won't hold up for very long... who knows if I am ready or not. only time will tell. {Natasha Bedingfield}

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Creator- only You take brokenness and create it into beauty once again... mend this porcelain heart of mine. {Barlow Girl}

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I'm a fragile girl in a crazy, careless world. My dreams are torn and scattered on the floor, but You've been pickin up the pieces, Lord. Your love is real, the only hope to heal. My paper heart is Yours now: I have left it in Your hands. I've come so far to find out, my life will never be the same, since You wrote Your Name on my paper heart. {Francesca Battistelli}

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Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy... I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me. Jesus, you're all this heart is living for. {Jeremy Camp}

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life is full of light and shadows. oh the joy, and oh the sorrow... when shadows fall on us, we will not fear, we will remember. when darkness falls on us, we will not fear, we will remember. when all seems lost, we're thrown and we're tossed, we'll remember the cost we're resting in: the shadow of the cross. {David Crowder Band}

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Look- now is not too late. Lift up your head, let the rain fall on your face. You're not too far from grace... He'll break open the skies to save those who cry out His Name. The one the wind and waves obey is strong enough to save you! {Tenth Avenue North}

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I called, and you answered, and you came to my rescue. And I, I wanna be where You are! My whole life I place in your hands. God of Mercy, humbled I bow down in Your presence, at Your throne. {Hillsong}

just Job.

first off, let me make clear how much I LOVE it when God keep me up half the night teaching me things.

secondly, I'm reading through the One-Year Chronological Bible this year and right now I'm in Job. Can I just share some of God's Word with you and what He's telling me about it?

“But if I were you, I would appeal to God;
I would lay my cause before him.
He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
miracles that cannot be counted.
He provides rain for the earth;
he sends water on the countryside.
The lowly he sets on high,
and those who mourn are lifted to safety." -Job 5:8-11

so basically in the passage, Job's buddy Eliphaz is talking to Job about the recent misfortune Job has encountered. And though the majority of the time, Job's friends' viewpoints are skewed and helpless to Job, this one part caught my attention. I'm not a Bible scholar or anything, but it sounds to me like even though Job's friends ended up being useless to him during this dark, depressing time, they knew a little bit about the awesomeness of God. They might think weird things about this trial their friend Job is enduring, but they sure know that God is indescribable and merciful, don't they?

now let me skip ahead a chapter.

"Oh, that I might have my request,
that God would grant what I hope for,
that God would be willing to crush me,
to let loose his hand and cut off my life!" -Job 6:8-9

see, God knew what was best for Job. he denied Job's wishes and "beggings" because He had better things down the road for ol' Job. He knew that he was going to do bigger things with this man after he'd endured the fire and been refined than he could do previously or even by letting Job have his wish and die.

another thing this lets me know is this: we all get depressed. I mean, be honest. Who HASN'T ever said "God, please just kill me! I'd rather die than go through this!"? We all get melodramatic and emotional- even Job, the man who "was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil" (Job 1:1). Even this guy we look up to as a spiritual giant had a hard time and couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and couldn't seem to find a reason to be alive. and does God ever condemn him for that? Not that I can see. In fact, in the end of all of Job's sufferings, God comments to Job's pals how they displeased him but Job had spoken the truth about Him. Additionally, "The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the former part." (42:12), so apparently God was pleased with the way he persevered in the trials.

A very famous passage used from Job is 7:17-18, which says:

"What is mankind that you make so much of them,
that you give them so much attention,
that you examine them every morning
and test them every moment?"

These verses were actually used to compose a well-known worship song, Friend of God. "Who am I that you are mindful of me? That you hear me, when I call? Is it true that You are thinking of me? How you love me, it's amazing!" the verse calls out to God. Can I just emphasize how humbling this is? It's true. Who are we, that God pays so much attention to us? I mean, I know we're his creations, his masterpieces. But honestly, if I were God I'm pretty sure I would hate my creations if they screwed up all the time and needed about 325,438,932,348,467,129,433,870,235 second chances & asked for forgiveness all the time. juuuuust sayin.

The good thing is, Job understands the concept of God being awesome and keeping a spirit of humility.

"If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a lion
and again display your awesome power against me." (Job 10:16)

Another of Job's buddies, Zophar, has some words for Job... and even though, once again, his reasoning behind these thoughts is a little skewed (he was convinced that God was punishing Job for sinning, as I understand it), he has such a beautiful wording of God's process of forgiveness:

“Yet if you devote your heart to him
and stretch out your hands to him,
if you put away the sin that is in your hand
and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
then, free of fault, you will lift up your face;
you will stand firm and without fear.
You will surely forget your trouble,
recalling it only as waters gone by.
Life will be brighter than noonday,
and darkness will become like morning.
You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid,
and many will court your favor." (Job 11:13-19)

I can't say anything about this, other than how grateful it makes me for God's forgiveness to us when we repent.

Reading Job just makes me realize how little I am and how awesome and holy He is.

“To God belong wisdom and power;
counsel and understanding are his.
What he tears down cannot be rebuilt;
those he imprisons cannot be released.
If he holds back the waters, there is drought;
if he lets them loose, they devastate the land.
To him belong strength and insight;
both deceived and deceiver are his." (Job 12:13-16)

Can it be any better worded than that?

God, thank you for tearing down things so I can't rebuild them. Thank you for holding back the waters when it is time to do so, and for flooding me when I need it. Thank you for your perfect will and for how you remind me that I can do nothing to make my future better than you have planned for it to be. Keep executing your plan in my life- even though it rarely makes sense to me. Remind me that you hold all wisdom and power, and that your ways are higher than mine.

for all You've done and yet to do, with EVERY breath, I'm praising You.

Passion 2011.

let's just say my life will never be the same.

I keep begging God to seal every word that I heard this week in my heart. I never want to forget a moment of it. I'm trying to write it down and tell everyone about it so I can cement in it my memory. God moved in such an unbelievably HUGE way, in my life and the lives of the 22,000 other college students that surrounded me the past three days.

SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS:

-Philippians 1:1- the first word is Paul. think it has no meaning? think again. Paul, the author of this letter, tells readers from the very first word that ALL THINGS CAN BE MADE NEW. Previously Saul, a persecutor of Christians, is now Paul, an instructor of fellow Believers. He's saying GOD CAN DO ANYTHING! HE CAN USE ANYONE! and, sometimes, GOD EVEN USES HIS ENEMIES. {thoughts derived from Louie Giglio 1.1.11)

-"The Glory of God is man, fully alive." -John Piper {read it again. and again. get it now?}

-God is so glorious, he commands bent knees and confessing mouths. {Philippians 2:9-11}

-God's Will= what he desires for you.

God's Plan= how he executes His will.

{Beth Moore}

-MY GOD'S NOT DEAD, HE'S SURELY ALIVE! AND HE'S LIVING ON THE INSIDE, ROARING LIKE A LION! -DC*B

- We all have the capactiy for brilliance. However, the same mind that has a great capacity for brilliance also has just as much capacity for unimaginable darkness. {Beth Moore}

-"To You our hearts are open, nothing here is hidden, YOU are our ONE desire! You alone are holy, only You are worthy, God! Let your fire fall down." -Christ Tomlin

- Can people look at your life and tell you believe in Hell? {Francis Chan}

-"Think new thoughts about the old things, and it will diffuse the power they have over your mind." -Beth Moore

-SEEK UNITY AMONG BELIEVERS THAT AMPLIFIES HIS NAME. {spin on the Passion motto}

-Your appetites are more powerful than you realize. They will rule you or you will rule them. They determine the direction and quality of your life. {Andy Stanley}

-Five Years From Now: ______?

-"oh oh, freedom's waiting for you now. so come on, come one, and throw your mirrors down... yeah come on, come on, let's shatter glass on the ground." -Tenth Avenue North

1. Nothing dictates our lives like our desires.

2. Beneath the desire of our heart, is the heart of our desire.

3. Delighting in God makes our truest desires inevitable.

4. Nothing external can steal our right to delight.

5. To make room for delight, we've got to commit.

6. Patiently waiting for desire to turn into delight is not passive.

{Beth Moore}

-Do you feel more loved and blessed by God because He makes much of you, or because He enables you to make much of Him? If your root of joy is God making much you, it is IDOLATRY. However, if the reason you have happiness is that God gives you the ability to worship and make much of Him (which births Him making much of you), that is how it is meant to be. {John Piper}

-"They don't have any more of God than I do, but God may have more of them than He has of me." -Susan

-You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create... You've been remade. {Tenth Avenue North}

-Psalm 37:23- He delights in you= you see a sonogram/ultrasound of a niece. from that moment on, you love her. you become so excited when you place your hand on her mother's belly and feel her kicking and stretching. you love her, before she even knows you exist. then finally, she is BORN! you become even more excited and want to pamper her and protect her. as she gets older and can actually begin to focus on your face, and recognize you, and respond to you through smiling, laughing, or just holding your hand, your joy just explodes. SHE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE, SHE KNOWS YOU EXIST, SHE KNOWS YOU LOVE HER.

That's how God is with us.

just as kids make you smile and laugh and you treasure them and are excited by them, God feels the same way about YOU. {Beth Moore}

-When we shine like stars, people don't notice the darkness around us, they notice the light. No matter how bright or big, the world notices small pinpoints of stars for Christ- they don't care that you may be small or dim, they just want to know if you're really a star or simply an airplane that will come and go. {Susan & Me}

-When you are in God's Will, He is not only pleased by you... He is THRILLED by you. {John Piper}

-"Jealousy isn't how you feel about yourself- it's how they make you feel about yourself." -Beth Moore

-So let the glory of Your name be the passion of the church, and let the righteousness of God be a holy flame that burns. let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives. we believe You're all to us. {Chris Tomlin}

-Breathe in. Do you believe God gave you that breath, and the next one, and the next one, and allows you to keep breathing? The Savior of the World, The Creator of the ends of the Earth, and the All-Knowing God is keeping you alive every second of every day. {Francis Chan}

- Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

-"IF YOU GIVE GOD YOUR MIND, HE WILL BLOW IT FOR YOU." -Beth Moore