Caramel Macchiato-induced self-realizations

I have entitlement issues. I understand that it is very strange for a female, especially one my age, to have issues accepting gifts. and I am the only girl I know (besides my mother) that has problems with this. I have seen small evidences of it many times, but was hit with the full effect of it a couple weeks ago. After a long day out, I found myself yearning for a piping hot caramel macchiato. When my parents stopped to buy my brother a 35 dollar video game (and ended up getting him a 20-dollar version of a game he already has), I felt slightly wounded, thinking that they almost never do that kind of thing for me. I sarcastically suggested that if he could have a 20-dollar video game, surely I could at least have a 4-dollar coffee. I was ok as we pulled off the road searching for a Starbucks. but when it wasn't where we thought it was, I gave up my want. Against my will, my parents went out of our way to get me a caramel macchiato. Which frustrated me greatly. As I sat in the car on the way home, the previously hot macchiato my mother got me sat untouched and cooled by the second within inches of my grasp. Yet I refused to drink it, or even touch it.
4 dollars were poured down the kitchen sink.
What I realized was this: If I do not have to work for something, it is almost always considered useless to me. If others must go out of their way to get me something, the guilt overwhelms me to the point of not wanting whatever it is. Twisted, I know. And while I feel bad for wasting these things sometimes, it doesn't begin to measure up to how... weak? spinless? needy? dependant?... I feel when I use and appreciate those things. So it all goes back to my needs and how much I hate needing things. How much I hate needing to depend on someone else. How much I hate simply needing anything that I can't get for myself.
I am so messed up.

where the love lasts forever?

I never expected THIS to happen. or at least, not this way. I figured when it finally came, it would be a peaceful, mutual agreement. apparently not. maybe those who said it wasn't worth it, and that I shouldn't be in this, were right. and maybe I was wrong. but at the same time I was right. I knew that it was simply improbable, if not impossible, for someone that cared about me in such a way to mean it. to stay there in the hard times, and even when they didn't want to. I knew the day he left would come. I guess I just didn't expect it to be this soon. and surprisingly, I'm not that sad. I cried some earlier. now I'm just hurt, and extremely dissappointed. I thought he was better than all those others who left me. all the others who lied. all the others who were simply jerks. now, I'm not saying he is a jerk. at all. cuz he isnt'... he just needs some growing-up time. or to make up his mind. I really, honestly, have no clue WHAT he needs, but I know he doesn't need me. or want me. quite obviously.
this pains me so much to admit. because I really thought he meant all that stuff he said. yet at the same time, I kinda saw it coming.
Oh, Lord. I need you, so so much. This is going to be very hard to do, and I need your strength and comfort. Please be with me in this. Guard my mouth. Guard my heart. Hold me in your hands and never let me go.
As You Wish.

wish away today

sometimes I get so tired of
wondering what life would be like
I wish I could just know it,
not have to worry, wonder or hide.
why can't I just know my future,
not have to dream or wish?
is there a reason I stay so ignorant,
other than hoping for bliss?
so many questions, too much doubt and fear
not to mention my already-shaken
foundation of so-called confidence,
mingles with worry of breaking.
not my heart, not an arm,
the fear of breaking is not
vertical, no need for alarm.
I fear breaking myself, this fragile world.
It would crumble at any chance,
with a quick glance or terse word
it would break, all fall, and tumble.
I want to fly away with freedom of a bird
I want to get away from this mess
I call my life
sick of hurt, am I, and love.
sick of every kind of strife;
get me out of here, I beg
reach down and pull me from the box.
I wish to close my heart forever
make rusted all the locks.
yet as I pray this and wish
I see it as You do.
I see that there is no real life
if I have not pain too.
and while I wish to know my future
I only learn things from the past
I realize that to know what tomorrow held
would make my life fly by too fast.
so while I wish for more than this,
I hold fast to your promise:

"The LORD will fight for you,
you need only to be still."

twenty-five after

my life is falling apart, in the most simple and peaceful way possible. strange, and oxymoronical, yes? my friends are all pretty much on good terms with me. my boyfriend is being sweet and we're getting along well. my parents are being nice to each other, which means our home is at peace. my siblings are behaving. life would be perfect.... if only the most important relationship were blossoming, or even more than simply stagnant.

but it isn't.

and it is.

isn't blossoming.

is stagnant.

it's killing me.

and at the same time I can't seem to get my act together and fix it myself.
God, I don't know where I went. or what happened so quickly to pull me so far from You. but I want you back. I want to be back, safe, at your feet and in your arms of love. Pull me back in, please. When I feel far from you, nothing goes right. Help me to get my act together, and seek you. Give me a hunger for you and your word. And please, just don't give up on me.

DC*B Lyrics

He is jealous for me.

Love's like a hurricane,

I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

How He loves us all

He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves...

And we are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,

When I think about the way…

He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves...

I never knew. I never knew that everything was falling through. That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run when all I needed was the truth, but that's how it's gotta be. It's coming down to nothing more than apathy. I'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears... Let's rearrange. I wish you were a stranger I could disengage- to say that we agree and then never change, soften a bit until we all just get along. But that's disregard. You find another friend and you discard, as you lose the argument in a cable car. Hanging above, as the canyon falls between...
I really never knew. I was oblivious, living my own life, selfishly blocking out their issues. I should've seen it coming, and realized that sooner or later my near-perfect habitation would fall pathetically. and oh, how it fell. massively, and life-changing, my world fell. I did need truth. but everyone that knew how miserable I'd been was either too busy, too selfish, or too spiritual to help such a wretch like me find truth again. the others... well, they were dancing in the stained-glass masquerade every sunday and wednesday... those "happy plastic people, under shiny plastic steeples, with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain." for so long I wandered in apathy, after the fall. I bathed in anger and slept in depression. I bought the lies, and ate the fable of my own unworthiness of salvation and joy. When I finally got pulled out of that slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, by my Loving Savior, I didn't want to face it. I wanted to run away. I thought no one was still there, that no one would be able to love me. I had seen myself as I truly am. Not the "oh, yes I am such a sinner, forgive me God, amen". He broke me. Every day I woke up I saw a shredded heart, full of depravity and perverse. I saw my vileness and desperate need for some kind of hope. I saw the way I would be without my God. and it scared me. But then He reminded me... I am not without Him, and I never will be again. "Though I have fallen, I will rise," I claimed Micah 7:7-9 over my life. "Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my Light... He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness." and, OH! I did, eventually. Between then, I tried to rearrange. The awkward conversations with previous best friends made me wish I could disengage. I wished I could just make a small compromise and go back to the way it had been. But as Aslan says in Prince Caspain, "Things never happen the same way twice, dear one." I couldn't go back. I had to press on, to God's goal for me. I was discarded. I lost her, I lost all that our friendship once had been. The canyon grew wider and wider, and the bridge got closed for renovations. It's still closed. but it's still being renovated. One day, someday, the bridge will reopen. The canyon will seem smaller. It will never be the same, but I've been told that when God moves you on from one thing, it's to take you to something better. You may not like it, but it's always better for you. and you know... we should trust Him. He made us. Who are we to think that the One who made us doesn't know what is best for our lives?
I know the He knew. He brought me to it. He took me through it. and now, here I stand. In His righteousness. I will never be the same. It was painful, yes. Very much so.
But also very worth it.
Now it's up to you to decide: is He worth seeking after, even if it means losing it all?
I think I'm on the brink of something large
maybe like a match being lit
or the sinking of a ship
LETTING GO GIVES A BETTER GRIP.
I'm finding everything I'll ever need.
By giving up, gaining everything
Falling for You for eternity-
right here, at Your feet, where I wanna be.
I am yours.