sisterhood

what is sisterhood, really? it's gotta be more than dances and eating and movie nights and Bible studies. though those are all great. when sisterhood equals those things alone, it feels empty. though I will admit that most of these shortcomings in sisterhood lately are simply my own fault and spring from my lack of involvement. but it still feels like less than it should be.
it feels like there are so few who I am able to be genuine with. and I absolutely ABHOR being anything but genuine, seriously.
I feel like music is taking over my life and demanding more of myself than I am willing to give. and in the process, it has withdrawn me from my sisters. I'm not sure if I'm going to fight this or succumb to it; after all, it is my future. But should future plans ever mess with those your heart is tied in knots to?

::vent::

for some odd reason, I've been really lonely lately. I feel like there are only 2 or 3 of my close friends that are still "BEST" friends. You know? Cause when you really get down to it, there is such a difference in close friends and best friends. I consider my best friends to be the ones I can be completely genuine and honest with, that I don't have to hide my emotions or hurts and we can openly talk about problems in the friendship. and last year, I had a lot of best friends. This year, people keep leaving me out of plans and "forgetting" to invite me to things, and not being straight-up with me (which leads to me hearing about the truth from someone else). honestly, that hurts. a lot. I know I'm not perfect, far from it, but I always try to make sure everyone is included, unless they simply CAN'T be, or unless one-on-one is needed. Even then, I try to plan something to do with the person who wants to be included and isn't, that way they don't feel as hurt over it. and it seems like no one really cares that I do that. they just don't want to be around me anymore. I know I'm busy and I have a weird schedule, but that doesn't mean I don't want to even be invited to these things. I would like to know people care about me and like being around me, even if they already know my answer is "I have a music thing" or "I have to work". There are three people that have purposed to maintain a good relationship. A few who still randomly hang out with me. A few new friends that I am growing to know better, thankfully. And, sadly, a lot who, it feels like, have just dumped me. They say "I miss you, when can we hang out?" But it's just shallow and nothing ever comes out of it. and I hate that. If you don't want to be with me, don't pretend you do. 

I think this is hardest for me because I am a people-person. I love being in big groups and having lots of plans and going and doing. All through life, even up till last year, I've had at least 6 people at a time that I considered my best friends. Sure, things happened, and the closeness of those relationships changed. But I still had someone there. Now I still have three... but one is committed to her boyfriend, one lives several hours from school and has been going home a lot, and one is really busy herself and our schedules are basically opposite. agh. life is stupid.

ok, I have to stop. goodnight.

volleyball, hobos, extraordinary love.

it started with a volleyball tournament. weird, I know. English vs. History departments face each other off each year in an intense volleyball game/cookout apparently, and I missed it last year and decided to drop by with Sarah this time around. I met some awesome people that would probably be considered "unpopular", maybe even "outcasts" at one point in time. but it was funny, because that didn't even hit me until after I'd been sitting there for a few minutes getting to know them. then, as I was talking to an old friend and a new friend, someone passed by and was glancing at us, and I became acutely aware of the people I was with. we were having intellectual conversation and making witty comebacks (better than "your mom", believe it or not) and occasionally there was a sci-fi reference thrown in the mix (EXTERMINATE!) . in any high school or middle school across the country, we'd be considered the weird kids. some of us were emo, some just smart, some abnormally bitter about something or another which caused them to have this wonderful victim mindset that made them try to hate everyone. geez, even in college we're the weird kids. as much as I love MC, I must admit there are definitely cliques and social circles that are cool and social circles that aren't. and I was sitting in the midst of the "aren't", "not", and "don't" crowd and loving every minute of it. I mean, I know I'm a weird kid and I'm ok with it. but because I'm not ridiculously genius-like & my parents are wonderful and still together, I am somehow more socially acceptable than these. how terrible. I feel like one day we'll all realize the single greatest travesty of the human race was that we wouldn't let ourselves love. but really, think about it. 
I recently posted as my facebook status, "I love how different people are, and hate how no one takes the time to notice, and those that do, want to pretend they don't and make fun of or ostracize those whose differences are so vast they make the rest of us feel inadequate". 
isn't that true? don't we become so entranced with ourselves that we forget to see others and learn to love them? don't we get embarrassed in those few moments of enlightenment we DO have about our differences from others? so much so that we like to pretend we didn't just see how bad our hair looked in that mirror. and instead we pick on the outfit the girl beside us is wearing. I know my train of thoughts is jumbled and slightly nonsensical but get with me here: we are different. we are selfish so we often don't see it. then we see it. pretend we didn't. make fun of others instead. thus, cliques. and lack of love. and presence of bigotry. and on and on. 
another thing that triggers this crazy thought process is something that happened as I sat in the Taco Bell parking lot listening to Sidewalk Prophets while eating my pizza from the Caf. the song "You Can Have Me" comes through the automate shuffle on my iPod. honestly, I'd never really LISTENED to it before, I just like the chorus and it was only 69 cents on itunes once... so anyway, it opens as a hobo enters my line of vision and walks in front of my car about 20 feet away. he's loaded down with a backpack and what looks like anything and everything he salvaged from whatever his former life looked like and other tidbits he'd gathered along the way. now, hobos fascinate me, so I was just kind of staring. then I start actually hearing the song: "If I saw you on the street and you said 'Come and follow me,' but I had to give up everything I once held dear and all of my dreams, would I love you enough to let go? Or would my love run dry? When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me, Father of Love, you can have me. YOU CAN HAVE ME." that was enough. 
What if that hobo had been Christ, or an angel? Not to say that I believe Christ is incarnate again and walking the earth. but I believe angels are among us in the flesh. and I believe that He truly meant "Whatsoever you do for the least of these, my brethren, you do unto me." my heart was so pulled to hop out of my car and take the guy my pizza or buy him dinner or at least hand him the blanket in my back seat. yet I knew it could be dangerous, and that my fear of WHAT IF was going to keep me from doing anything. At that moment I had to repent. I knew the good thing that I should've done and I didn't do it, and as it was occurring I knew I wouldn't get the guts up to do it. I broke my own heart at that moment. I see myself as one who loves deeply and loves many. I especially love being friends with "the weird kids" because their story is always so vastly different from mine and so inspiring. and yet I didn't have enough love in my heart to propel me to buy this poor man (who had nothing but literally whatever was on his back) some supper. And I am a very loving person. I know the world is FULL of many more who are so lacking in the love department. How truly heart-wrenching. 
We are full of ourselves and too busy for others.
I now know how Paul felt when he said "The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life."
Does this make any sense at all, reader? Please get it. Please let God convict you as He has me. please let Him pour out on you abundantly, as He has me. Let Him love you most, though you may feel like the worst of sinners. Let His love move you to extraordinary measures. 

waiting

I just want to be in love.
This feeling hits me occasionally and usually makes me depressed (because of the fact that I don't have a 'significant other' and am nowhere near having one). But tonight, for some reason, it just leaves me happy. Hopeful. Optimistic to a fault. I think part of the reason is because today, God had the victory. My day was his, completely. And it changed it, from the past weeks that I've been living for myself for the majority of the days. I've been happier.
Anyway, I was on Pinterest wasting time (story of my life), and stumbled across all these fantastically lovely pictures of couples in love. holding hands. kissing. being coy. all that wonderful stuff that couples do. and I just want a man in my life. I mean, I'm on this "guy fast" so obviously I can't have one now. but I feel so ready. not that I want to rush God's timing... I will wait. I just want it now.

omniscience!

what a fantastic word. when you get all literal and take it back to its Latin, you're looking at two parts: "omni" which means 'all', and "science" which means 'to know'. to know all. quite literally. 
and how cool is it that our God is omniscient? he knows all. He knows what is racing through your mind and pounding in your heart and burned into your memory. He knows what happened on December 13, 1675 (random date, no importance). He knows what will happen on February 25, 2401. He knows the number of hairs on your head, the last time you cried, your deepest fear, your favorite memory, and your decision you most regret making. 
Basically, he knows what His plans for our individual lives and for the world in general are. and not only does he know them, he is calm. At least, he always has been in the past, so I'm assuming he's sticking to his usual nature. Isaiah 6 says it this way: "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple." I'm not really sure who King Uzziah was, but I'm pretty sure he was important and his death was not celebrated. My bible commentary says, "Uzziah has been a good king, now he is dead. It is the belief of many that he was the last great long of the southern kingdom of Judah and that after his death the glory of the Lord was no longer to be seen." TRANSLATION: Isaiah sees that since Uzziah has died, the nation of Israel is lost. There will be famine, depression, and lack of prosperity, most likely. If I were Isaiah, I'd be in a tizzy. I'd be freaking out and crying and trying not to drive myself insane (no, really). But Isaiah goes to the temple. He goes to meet with God. 
And when he gets there and gets on his face before God, he sees God. ok, um first off, let's just stop there. he sees God! maybe not literally but still. even to "see" God, figuratively, is a big deal. it's a life-changing moment; you cannot come close to God without being changed. and you must be close to Him to see Him, no? I just love that it takes Isaiah hitting rock bottom to see God... it reminds me that this awesome prophet was a human, just like me, and sometimes took God for granted and didn't remember that He is all-powerful until bad things happened and he was at his wit's end...
and when he sees God, I find it interesting that Isaiah notes that he's seated. not standing up, gripping the edges of his throne in confusion over how this could have happened. he's not surprised or taken aback in the least, he knew it was coming (omniscience!). and he's just seated, ready to speak to Isaiah. 
and there, seated and unworried, God looks out from his throne where he sits, high and exalted. doesn't this just drive home the point of His omniscience? HE IS GOD AND WE ARE NOT. That's why He's on the throne, not Uzziah or Isaiah. God is the one who is really in charge of it all, though sometimes we lose sight of that and only see the people that we think are at the top, here on earth. He knows all, He knows what he is doing, and He is in control of it all, ruling calmly from His throne. {which doesn't mean He is distant... if you are a born-again Child of His, His throne is also in your heart.}
And later, when the Lord is looking for someone to go talk to His people, he simply asks: "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" No yelling, no running around begging someone to go. He just asks. He doesn't even stand up and cup his hands around his mouth and take a deep breath before venturing to ask the question. He just speaks. 

I love that God is calm, cool, & collected. He is omniscient! I keep telling myself again. He knows what he is doing. That's why HE is God, and I am not... and saying that always reminds me of a little song I learned here at MC, back when I was 9 and before I knew my life would begin here. it proclaims: For YOU are God, and I am not, so give me understanding to know Your will and seek Your way. For You (point at yourself) are God- NO YOU'RE NOT!  YOU (point to Heaven) are God. For You (point to neighbor) are God- NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU (point to Heaven) are God. 
I claim these biblical truths over my life right now, God. I know that You know all and I am not God, and I am so grateful for that. But some of these sudden changes in circumstances are scary. Help me to trust you, that you've known what you are gonna do since the beginning of time. Because I know you have. Teach me to be calm and rest in the peace of Your will. As You Wish.

the spirit of prostitution (a caramel-macchiato-induced-self-realization)

you learn something new every day. apparently, you can have a spirit of prostitution. who knew? I always thought of a prostitute as a woman who sold herself to men, physically. well God has some pretty HUGE things to say about spiritual prostitution in Hosea. if you've never read Redeeming Love (which is based on the book of the bible, Hosea), the storyline is this: man of God is seeking God's heart to find woman to marry. God says "Look, a prostitute. your future wife." (not kidding) and Hosea ACTUALLY MARRIES HER. She leaves, comes back, leaves, comes back... many times. Until finally between Hosea's unconditional love for her and Christ's pursuing her, she goes back to her husband for good. Originally Hosea was written as a metaphor for how Israel would desert God over and over again and then expect to be back in good graces with Him while His wrath was burning against His people whose hearts were so far from Him. Yet every time, God's unconditional love won over and He forgave and redeemed His people again.
are you seeing the connection here, friend? I do believe God wrote the story of my life in like 12 B.C. I claim that I am after His heart. I claim that He is my First Love. I claim that He's my number one.
YET.
I search for love from others before love from Him. I seek the admiration and applause of my peers before seeking His affection. I value the respect and reputation I have with others higher than personal righteous living through a holy God. 
how wrong is that?
Day by day, I have been selling myself to this world. Little by little, in small enough increments and innocent enough pursuits to keep the red flags from going off in my heart. But something clicked today. I've been slowly working through Hosea for the past two weeks, and realizing how far I've been from My Love. But tonight, I got it.
"Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD until he comes and showers righteousness on you. But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception. Because you have depended on your own strength and on your many warriors." (Hos. 10:12-13)
I almost skipped right over it, but something with the word "deception" caught me, and reminded me of Jeremiah 17:9 (at least I think that's the reference...)- The heart is deceitful above all else, and desperately wicked; who can know it?
and BAM, there it was, like a sack 'o bricks hitting the floor. We all plant wickedness, evil, and deception. I may not be an axe murderer or sex trafficker but every day that I choose to set anything or anyone above God, I am planting seeds of wickedness in my heart. I am deceiving myself when I say that this one crush on a guy isn't going to effect my relationship with God- when in reality it takes over my thoughts and slowly tugs me away from His heart. and that's not how it's supposed to be AT ALL.  I am planting evil when I let pride control my thoughts, actions, and words. When I think of myself as better than others. When I decide that fear will conquer my dreams for Christ, before even trying. When I let convenience dictate how radical I will be for Christ today. 
Geez, I'm convicting myself now. Do you get my point, friend? I try to exclude myself from this passage in Hosea and try to pretend that I'm not a prostitute to this world in my spirit, but I am. and I KEEP GOING BACK FOR MORE. I depend on my own strength to power me through the day and take care of my future hopes and plans. Yet that will only lead me to destruction, how well I know it; and still, I seek to control myself and not yield to my Creator. 
It is time to seek the Lord until He comes,
not until I get tired of waiting on Him, or until I find other entertainment. until He comes. until He redeems me. until He buys me back out of prostitution to this world and calls me His Own again. (I'm in no way inferring that I've lost my salvation... if you're confused, please comment).  Hosea 2 talks about God restoring Israel: "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor (Trouble) a door of hope, There she will sing as in the days of her youth..." (2:14-15) and what a beautiful picture that is. and, HALLELUJAH, Christ is going to do that for me. He'll come and lay me to waste so I can be restored and redeemed and made whole again. So I can sing again. So I can find hope again. "Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds (Job 5:17-18)... Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, HE WILL APPEAR; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." (6:1&3) 
And finally, after all this has passed, I will be His again. He says: "I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord." (2:19-20)
Is there any more beautiful way to say it? After I have wandered and sold myself to those who should never have owned me, and now have been redeemed- I am bought back! I am His and He is mine, we are betrothed in righteousness, justice, love, compassion, and faithfulness. The perfect relationship. The perfect love story. The perfect God.


"There's no such thing as perfect people, there's no such thing as a perfect life. So come as you are, broken and scarred; lift up your hearts, and be amazed, be changed by a perfect God."