choices, choices, choices!

the craziest time of my life is upon me. when I was younger, I always thought, "This would definitely qualify as the busiest and most confusing time of my life!"- and it did... THEN. but the older I get, the busier, crazier, more confusing, chaotic, hectic, and emotional it gets. I am not only about to begin my final year of high school- I am also adjusting to having my first boyfriend... having a younger sibling who's a teenager... and making some other important decisions and submitting some huge prayers. It amazes me how I find that the crazier my life gets, the more I find God in everyday situations. He permeates every part of my life and each decision. and while this is a hard time, since it's so confusing and emotional and simply hectic... It's so amazing. Now, I'm not one who handles stress well. AT ALL. I buckle. but at this time, I'm not buckling- cuz my God is supporting me now more than ever (and let me tell you, he's supported me BIG TIME in the past!). There are so many decisions to make (another thing I'm not so great at. I'm probably the most indecisive person that ever existed), but God is helping me and making it evident which way he wants me to go! I doubt I've ever been this happy. Not because my family is getting along. not because all my friends are getting along. not because I have a boyfriend. not because it's summer and I'm out of school. Although those may all have a little influence in what makes me so happy...... God is my joy. my peace, my confidant. comfort and love and... well, everything I need.
there's this one song that keeps playing in my head... see, I'm a dreamer. I want to be a influence, make a difference, do SOMETHING. and Satan is just too good at telling me I won't ever do that. But I think God's been using this song to help me with that.
and, well, I hope it helps you as well. =)

What Are You Waiting For?- Natalie Grant

Sometimes I get that overwhelmin' feelin'
So sad the faces on TV
If I try to make a difference, would it help anyway?
But then I stop and to myself, I say

So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
Now, it only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?

Sometimes I feel a little helpless
Seems like I can't do a thing
But anything is possible just you wait and see
Good things happen if you just believe

So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?

Someday, somehow you're gonna take that step
'Cause time is ticking away
Right here, right now, before it's too late
Gonna face tomorrow today,
yeah, yeah, alright yeah, oh yeah

So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?...

...

try to pour my heart onto this page,
but nothing will come.
I've safely locked it in a cage
don't know where these emotions come from.
I build up my wall
and You tear it right back down
somehow every time I fall
You find a way to wipe my frown

a heart so insecure
filled by love so complete.
my dreams so shattered-
Your will so concrete.
close my eyes and wish for more,
hold my breath and hope-
oh, God I need you to restore
my life, I don't think I can cope.

sand

I've only just now decided I like being irritated, confused, hurt, simply down. These times are the sand of my life. Storms, yes. But sand is so much more appropriate a title. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to run in dry sand? After a while, it HURTS. Your legs start burning and yet you keep pushing. Your face is contorted with pain. Every part of your body is now begging you to give up, to stop. Besides the fact that every single muscle in your legs and core is flooded with fiery pain, you can hardly breathe, and the hot sand is burning your bare feet, and the tiny irritating sand particles are all over you- making you itch and sweat.
Do you see it now?
Confusion. It hurts. after a while, you get so sick of not knowing what's going on, you just want to give it all up so you don't have to keep going on through the pain.
These are the times that truly try you, that really hurt... but you will look back later and it'll all click. It hurt, yes. and oh, it was so irritating. but you, just like a small pearl, are grown and shaped by those small continual irritants of life.
Do you want to be a pearl, a gem of greatest price? Let God use these irritants- big and small- to smooth, mold, and form you into the beautiful priceless treasure you can be.
(exodus 19:5) (psalm 51:17) (isaiah 55:8-9)

the time of inspiration and optimism

if there were ever a time for me to be overly optimistic, hopeful, excited, and just plain happy, it's now. and oh, I am. 2009! a new year! it's time to start a new chapter in my life. there are so many blank pages to be filled, and I'm looking forward to that. this year will be hard, painful, chaotic... maybe kinda scary. but it will be amazingly fun, and just plain aweshum. God, this is YOUR year. OUR year. I know now that you really will never leave me or forsake me or forget me or leave me alone or drop me... or any of the above. I know you're always with me, holding my fragile heart in your hands and singing over me. and I thank you so much for that. Go with me this year, i know you will, and give me the opportunity to really learn to love. I am so thankful for all these amazing friends and family you've placed here to surround me and show me your love when it feels like all is lost. so from here on out, I'm dedicated to you. I am determined to be absolutely and entirely for YOU and You alone. to wholeheartedly seek you. Give me courage and wisdom in this chapter of my life and help me to pass on my understanding to others. I am open for you to flow through. My heart's all yours, you know that. Do something amazing in me. Shine your light and let the whole world see that I'm YOURS. I keep my palms open to your will.
As you wish.

Ready for You

it's been sooo long since I've written on here! but obviously life has improved a lot. God has done so much for me the past few months... and if there's one thing he's teaching me, it's that prayer WORKS. He always answers prayer. it might not be answered the way I want it to be, or when i want it to be, but he will ALWAYS answer me. so anyway.. i wrote this song about a week ago and decided it was high time i posted some more lyrics up here. =)
Ready for You- lyrics/music by ME!

My dreams I lay down,
down at your feet,
my purpose now yours, God-
every part of me.
My fears cast aside,
my heart open wide,
ready for you
to give me hope anew.

::chorus::
And here I am-
here, in your hands...
broken and bruised,
I'm ready for you
to come and take me back,
back to where you are-
I've gone so far,
lost my way;
I'm so ready for you today.

Oh, Lord, I pray now
that through this somehow
you'd let me see
what you desire me to be.
I need you so much,
and I'm longing for you
to bring me back
and make my heart new.

::chorus::

bridge-
I'm helpless, alone,
can't do it on my own
I need your help!
I'm useless by my self, oh.
carry me now...
carry me now...
you are my shield, you are my comfort.
you are my hiding place and my joy.
you are my peace, you are my savior.
you are my reason to live and you are my friend.
you are my father, you're everything I need
and you're always... always ready for me.

::chorus::

inadequacy

surely I'm not the only girl who's ever felt inadequate. surely there are others out there who have seen both sides of the picture and thought "there's no way I'll measure up." if you've ever felt inept, inadequate, unsuitable, out of place... you're not alone. but don't let Satan whisper those lies to you. God calls you beautiful (psalm 45:11), he is jealous for you (exodus 34:14) and says you're his treasure (exodus 19:5). trust him for your worth.