my life is falling apart, in the most simple and peaceful way possible. strange, and oxymoronical, yes? my friends are all pretty much on good terms with me. my boyfriend is being sweet and we're getting along well. my parents are being nice to each other, which means our home is at peace. my siblings are behaving. life would be perfect.... if only the most important relationship were blossoming, or even more than simply stagnant.
but it isn't.
and it is.
isn't blossoming.
is stagnant.
it's killing me.
and at the same time I can't seem to get my act together and fix it myself.
God, I don't know where I went. or what happened so quickly to pull me so far from You. but I want you back. I want to be back, safe, at your feet and in your arms of love. Pull me back in, please. When I feel far from you, nothing goes right. Help me to get my act together, and seek you. Give me a hunger for you and your word. And please, just don't give up on me.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
DC*B Lyrics
He is jealous for me.
Love's like a hurricane,
I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves...
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way…
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves...
Sunday, August 09, 2009
I never knew. I never knew that everything was falling through. That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run when all I needed was the truth, but that's how it's gotta be. It's coming down to nothing more than apathy. I'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears... Let's rearrange. I wish you were a stranger I could disengage- to say that we agree and then never change, soften a bit until we all just get along. But that's disregard. You find another friend and you discard, as you lose the argument in a cable car. Hanging above, as the canyon falls between...
I really never knew. I was oblivious, living my own life, selfishly blocking out their issues. I should've seen it coming, and realized that sooner or later my near-perfect habitation would fall pathetically. and oh, how it fell. massively, and life-changing, my world fell. I did need truth. but everyone that knew how miserable I'd been was either too busy, too selfish, or too spiritual to help such a wretch like me find truth again. the others... well, they were dancing in the stained-glass masquerade every sunday and wednesday... those "happy plastic people, under shiny plastic steeples, with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain." for so long I wandered in apathy, after the fall. I bathed in anger and slept in depression. I bought the lies, and ate the fable of my own unworthiness of salvation and joy. When I finally got pulled out of that slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, by my Loving Savior, I didn't want to face it. I wanted to run away. I thought no one was still there, that no one would be able to love me. I had seen myself as I truly am. Not the "oh, yes I am such a sinner, forgive me God, amen". He broke me. Every day I woke up I saw a shredded heart, full of depravity and perverse. I saw my vileness and desperate need for some kind of hope. I saw the way I would be without my God. and it scared me. But then He reminded me... I am not without Him, and I never will be again. "Though I have fallen, I will rise," I claimed Micah 7:7-9 over my life. "Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my Light... He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness." and, OH! I did, eventually. Between then, I tried to rearrange. The awkward conversations with previous best friends made me wish I could disengage. I wished I could just make a small compromise and go back to the way it had been. But as Aslan says in Prince Caspain, "Things never happen the same way twice, dear one." I couldn't go back. I had to press on, to God's goal for me. I was discarded. I lost her, I lost all that our friendship once had been. The canyon grew wider and wider, and the bridge got closed for renovations. It's still closed. but it's still being renovated. One day, someday, the bridge will reopen. The canyon will seem smaller. It will never be the same, but I've been told that when God moves you on from one thing, it's to take you to something better. You may not like it, but it's always better for you. and you know... we should trust Him. He made us. Who are we to think that the One who made us doesn't know what is best for our lives?
I know the He knew. He brought me to it. He took me through it. and now, here I stand. In His righteousness. I will never be the same. It was painful, yes. Very much so.
But also very worth it.
Now it's up to you to decide: is He worth seeking after, even if it means losing it all?
I think I'm on the brink of something large
maybe like a match being lit
or the sinking of a ship
LETTING GO GIVES A BETTER GRIP.
I'm finding everything I'll ever need.
By giving up, gaining everything
Falling for You for eternity-
right here, at Your feet, where I wanna be.
I am yours.
I really never knew. I was oblivious, living my own life, selfishly blocking out their issues. I should've seen it coming, and realized that sooner or later my near-perfect habitation would fall pathetically. and oh, how it fell. massively, and life-changing, my world fell. I did need truth. but everyone that knew how miserable I'd been was either too busy, too selfish, or too spiritual to help such a wretch like me find truth again. the others... well, they were dancing in the stained-glass masquerade every sunday and wednesday... those "happy plastic people, under shiny plastic steeples, with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain." for so long I wandered in apathy, after the fall. I bathed in anger and slept in depression. I bought the lies, and ate the fable of my own unworthiness of salvation and joy. When I finally got pulled out of that slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, by my Loving Savior, I didn't want to face it. I wanted to run away. I thought no one was still there, that no one would be able to love me. I had seen myself as I truly am. Not the "oh, yes I am such a sinner, forgive me God, amen". He broke me. Every day I woke up I saw a shredded heart, full of depravity and perverse. I saw my vileness and desperate need for some kind of hope. I saw the way I would be without my God. and it scared me. But then He reminded me... I am not without Him, and I never will be again. "Though I have fallen, I will rise," I claimed Micah 7:7-9 over my life. "Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my Light... He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness." and, OH! I did, eventually. Between then, I tried to rearrange. The awkward conversations with previous best friends made me wish I could disengage. I wished I could just make a small compromise and go back to the way it had been. But as Aslan says in Prince Caspain, "Things never happen the same way twice, dear one." I couldn't go back. I had to press on, to God's goal for me. I was discarded. I lost her, I lost all that our friendship once had been. The canyon grew wider and wider, and the bridge got closed for renovations. It's still closed. but it's still being renovated. One day, someday, the bridge will reopen. The canyon will seem smaller. It will never be the same, but I've been told that when God moves you on from one thing, it's to take you to something better. You may not like it, but it's always better for you. and you know... we should trust Him. He made us. Who are we to think that the One who made us doesn't know what is best for our lives?
I know the He knew. He brought me to it. He took me through it. and now, here I stand. In His righteousness. I will never be the same. It was painful, yes. Very much so.
But also very worth it.
Now it's up to you to decide: is He worth seeking after, even if it means losing it all?
I think I'm on the brink of something large
maybe like a match being lit
or the sinking of a ship
LETTING GO GIVES A BETTER GRIP.
I'm finding everything I'll ever need.
By giving up, gaining everything
Falling for You for eternity-
right here, at Your feet, where I wanna be.
I am yours.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
kinda wish (for the gals)
chick flicks make my heart ache. literally.
I kid you not, every time I watch one, when the end comes, and the violin music swells- the climactic, romantic, expected ending comes- I find myself not simply wanting to cry... but wanting to see myself there in that scene, even if I were simply a bystander, so much, that my chest tightens and it's hard for me to breathe. and I'm not exaggerating. my throat gets dry and it hurts to swallow, and sometimes I get a little headache. (now you're probly calling someone to take me to the funny farm) but I'm serious.
do you ever do that?
I mean come on. chick flicks don't happen in real life, yeah yeah, I know. I think that's what makes them so popular. we want so badly to see SOMEONE be "completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy" that even if it isn't us, or someone we know, or even an actress we're familiar with, it makes us happy. makes us wish that it could happen. makes our heart ache for the times we think something somewhat similar could've happened to me. but those times are dead and gone now, over and done... checked out, left town, and moved to a different country.
yet somehow each time I watch a chick flick I find myself wishing. (if I find out I am the only one that does this, I just might go do something radical like dye my hair pink or shred my wardrobe and only wear lime green) don't you wish? just kinda hope, send up a little prayer... "hey God? uh... if anything like that is ever gonna happen........ well... please let it be to me." right?
yeah.
but you know... something like that can happen to you.
just not quite in the way you think it would.
if you're looking for the steamy love scenes and all that disgusting stuff, you might as well stop reading now and give up hope.
but if you just want to be loved... to be allowed to wish for something that seems impossible, and have it come true... well then you- YOU need to keep reading.
this man has loved you your whole life. literally. he wrote a book full of love letters to you- a book comprising 66 smaller books. 66 LOVE LETTERS! to YOU! how crazy is that?
not only that... but he really did hang the moon. if he needed to "lasso the moon" for you, he could. he made you and he knows you. he knows the VERY WORST THINGS about you. the deep dark secrets that no one else may know. and guess what?
HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. for real.
in one of his love letters to you, he promised he'd never leave you.
in another, he repeats over and over that he is jealous for your love.
isn't that enough? enough to convince you?
stop wishing on stars, and hoping while watching chick flicks.
dust off your love letters (the Bible, if you didn't know that by now) and just see how much He loves you.
it's true.
{if you have any questions, that's what the comment box is for}
I kid you not, every time I watch one, when the end comes, and the violin music swells- the climactic, romantic, expected ending comes- I find myself not simply wanting to cry... but wanting to see myself there in that scene, even if I were simply a bystander, so much, that my chest tightens and it's hard for me to breathe. and I'm not exaggerating. my throat gets dry and it hurts to swallow, and sometimes I get a little headache. (now you're probly calling someone to take me to the funny farm) but I'm serious.
do you ever do that?
I mean come on. chick flicks don't happen in real life, yeah yeah, I know. I think that's what makes them so popular. we want so badly to see SOMEONE be "completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy" that even if it isn't us, or someone we know, or even an actress we're familiar with, it makes us happy. makes us wish that it could happen. makes our heart ache for the times we think something somewhat similar could've happened to me. but those times are dead and gone now, over and done... checked out, left town, and moved to a different country.
yet somehow each time I watch a chick flick I find myself wishing. (if I find out I am the only one that does this, I just might go do something radical like dye my hair pink or shred my wardrobe and only wear lime green) don't you wish? just kinda hope, send up a little prayer... "hey God? uh... if anything like that is ever gonna happen........ well... please let it be to me." right?
yeah.
but you know... something like that can happen to you.
just not quite in the way you think it would.
if you're looking for the steamy love scenes and all that disgusting stuff, you might as well stop reading now and give up hope.
but if you just want to be loved... to be allowed to wish for something that seems impossible, and have it come true... well then you- YOU need to keep reading.
this man has loved you your whole life. literally. he wrote a book full of love letters to you- a book comprising 66 smaller books. 66 LOVE LETTERS! to YOU! how crazy is that?
not only that... but he really did hang the moon. if he needed to "lasso the moon" for you, he could. he made you and he knows you. he knows the VERY WORST THINGS about you. the deep dark secrets that no one else may know. and guess what?
HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. for real.
in one of his love letters to you, he promised he'd never leave you.
in another, he repeats over and over that he is jealous for your love.
isn't that enough? enough to convince you?
stop wishing on stars, and hoping while watching chick flicks.
dust off your love letters (the Bible, if you didn't know that by now) and just see how much He loves you.
it's true.
{if you have any questions, that's what the comment box is for}
Monday, June 29, 2009
choices, choices, choices!
the craziest time of my life is upon me. when I was younger, I always thought, "This would definitely qualify as the busiest and most confusing time of my life!"- and it did... THEN. but the older I get, the busier, crazier, more confusing, chaotic, hectic, and emotional it gets. I am not only about to begin my final year of high school- I am also adjusting to having my first boyfriend... having a younger sibling who's a teenager... and making some other important decisions and submitting some huge prayers. It amazes me how I find that the crazier my life gets, the more I find God in everyday situations. He permeates every part of my life and each decision. and while this is a hard time, since it's so confusing and emotional and simply hectic... It's so amazing. Now, I'm not one who handles stress well. AT ALL. I buckle. but at this time, I'm not buckling- cuz my God is supporting me now more than ever (and let me tell you, he's supported me BIG TIME in the past!). There are so many decisions to make (another thing I'm not so great at. I'm probably the most indecisive person that ever existed), but God is helping me and making it evident which way he wants me to go! I doubt I've ever been this happy. Not because my family is getting along. not because all my friends are getting along. not because I have a boyfriend. not because it's summer and I'm out of school. Although those may all have a little influence in what makes me so happy...... God is my joy. my peace, my confidant. comfort and love and... well, everything I need.
there's this one song that keeps playing in my head... see, I'm a dreamer. I want to be a influence, make a difference, do SOMETHING. and Satan is just too good at telling me I won't ever do that. But I think God's been using this song to help me with that.
and, well, I hope it helps you as well. =)
What Are You Waiting For?- Natalie Grant
Sometimes I get that overwhelmin' feelin'
So sad the faces on TV
If I try to make a difference, would it help anyway?
But then I stop and to myself, I say
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
Now, it only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?
Sometimes I feel a little helpless
Seems like I can't do a thing
But anything is possible just you wait and see
Good things happen if you just believe
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?
Someday, somehow you're gonna take that step
'Cause time is ticking away
Right here, right now, before it's too late
Gonna face tomorrow today,
yeah, yeah, alright yeah, oh yeah
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?...
there's this one song that keeps playing in my head... see, I'm a dreamer. I want to be a influence, make a difference, do SOMETHING. and Satan is just too good at telling me I won't ever do that. But I think God's been using this song to help me with that.
and, well, I hope it helps you as well. =)
What Are You Waiting For?- Natalie Grant
Sometimes I get that overwhelmin' feelin'
So sad the faces on TV
If I try to make a difference, would it help anyway?
But then I stop and to myself, I say
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
Now, it only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?
Sometimes I feel a little helpless
Seems like I can't do a thing
But anything is possible just you wait and see
Good things happen if you just believe
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?
Someday, somehow you're gonna take that step
'Cause time is ticking away
Right here, right now, before it's too late
Gonna face tomorrow today,
yeah, yeah, alright yeah, oh yeah
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?...
Friday, April 24, 2009
...
try to pour my heart onto this page,
but nothing will come.
I've safely locked it in a cage
don't know where these emotions come from.
I build up my wall
and You tear it right back down
somehow every time I fall
You find a way to wipe my frown
a heart so insecure
filled by love so complete.
my dreams so shattered-
Your will so concrete.
close my eyes and wish for more,
hold my breath and hope-
oh, God I need you to restore
my life, I don't think I can cope.
but nothing will come.
I've safely locked it in a cage
don't know where these emotions come from.
I build up my wall
and You tear it right back down
somehow every time I fall
You find a way to wipe my frown
a heart so insecure
filled by love so complete.
my dreams so shattered-
Your will so concrete.
close my eyes and wish for more,
hold my breath and hope-
oh, God I need you to restore
my life, I don't think I can cope.
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the loss
CW/TW: pregnancy and miscarriage Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I’ve thought about how to word this for so long, debat...
