caramel macchiato-induced self-realizations (version 2)

I'm not sure what it is about the warm and relaxing qualities of a steamy caramel macchiato that cause these startling observations of myself. but here I am again, hit by a thought that had never entered my mind.

calmly swallowing my coffee... then.. bam. it hits me. you don't accept yourself for who you are, becca. how can you expect others to like you if you don't see that you're likable? you live your life wanting to be like others. you want her hair, his eyes, eyelashes like she has, and a body that looks like hers. you want to be more bubbly like her, more confident like him, as kind as he is, and more like her. you are living your life emulating others, modeling yourself to be like fictional characters. why are you living like this?! don't you realize what you have before you? you are going to end up looking like a big bowl of melted rainbow sherbet! so full of different ideas and hopes that aren't even who you are, that you just look unappealing and confused. you lose yourself, somewhere between changing your favorite color and going from Jessica Simpson heels to Converse. and before you know it, you find yourself wondering... where did I go? I don't know who I am anymore.

Stop modeling yourself after what appeals to others. There is always gonna be someone who doesn't like you. There will always be someone you think is better than you.

Just live your life. Honor God. Have fun. Seek him. and realize that you don't have to be like someone else to be loved. "If they don't like you for who you are, they won't like you for who you're not," a wise friend of mine once told me. Remember that.

ponderful life.

I kind of love life right now. even though I don't understand much of anything... somehow I feel as if I'm gliding through on a layer of joy and peace. is that a God-thing? I think so. for the first time in forever it feels like I'm completely happy. settled with friends. growing in Christ. at peace with family. and (as always) it kinda scares me. but you know what? I really don't care. because every time I start caring about what might be coming, or worrying about what ifs, it seems like I cause those things to happen. but when I just relax... let go, and let God... he works it all out. and you'd think I'd know that by now, from all the millions of times that I've realized this. but somehow I can't seem to put it into action each time. but then if I could, why would I need Him to remind me, right? ugh, I'm thinking in circles again. I could stand some sleep...

beauty questioned.

Imagine this: you're sitting on the couch, watching a chick flick. or the bachelor. or say yes to the dress. Then comes the climax... he chases her down and kisses her... he gives her the rose... she buys the wedding dress... what is it about that climax that hits so close to home? why is it that we see these images and wish for these moments? why do we wish for the beauty that we feel we don't have? and why do we think we don't have it?
I have this need to feel beautiful stored somewhere deep inside me. I think I was born with it. This need to feel worthy, loved, beautiful, and wanted. where did it come from? why do I have it? what am I supposed to do with it?
because apparently, it can be handled the wrong way. some girls take their need for beauty and go all bad girl. some girls ignore their need for beauty and pretend they could care less. what is the appropriate way to deal with your yearning for love?
I wish I had the answer to these questions. but I don't.
what do you think?

only trust Him

wow. I don't think I can even begin to describe what life has been like lately. God is working so much, and yet he somehow seems far away. Not like.... nonexistent. or even distant. just... quiet, maybe? yes. quiet. it's strange, and it kind of scares me. but at the same time I'm loving life so much, for the first time in so long, that I realize that no matter what's coming, I can make it. look at how far I've come, how far He's brought me! although I may not want to, I do believe I could make it through anything, with Him. (but I'm not sure if I should say that. it's almost like opening myself up for disaster and testing. haha)

anyway. life feels so extremely different now, than it did months ago, or even weeks ago. I'm not even entirely sure if I can pinpoint exactly what's different. it just IS.

it scares me to think how much I may change in the next year. it's exciting but at the same time petrifying.

I suppose all I can do is trust him to get me through and take care of me.

here we go.

sometimes the past needs to be let out to die.

thought I could deal with the pain

was convinced I could end just as strong

knew that I'd handle the hurt

but, oh boy... I see I was wrong.

I thought you were in deeper than I

I thought you were the one who'd be crushed

and it turns out that life seems to stop

and the air leaves your lungs with a rush.

why did I have to say it?

why did you never care?

why couldn't you man up and leave me,

when you knew that time was up for this pair?

and now here I am,

crying in my bed.

wishing I could run away

to escape all the thoughts in my head.

I wish you'd meant the words you said

I wish I knew they were true

so I wouldn't be sitting here

thinking of life without you.

{written November 2009}

overanalyzation

I have no clue how to get my feelings into words. It's not like anyone reads this anyway so I suppose it doesn't matter. But I still need to get them out so I can hopefully begin to understand them. Yet I don't see how I can understand these feelings... cuz I don't understand much of anything right now. I don't understand why some people react so differently to things than I. I mean, I know we're different. But their responses are such polar opposites of mine.

Sometimes I wish that they could react they way I expect them to, or the way I would. other times I wish I could react the way they do. I guess it just comes straight down to the fact that I'm a perfectionist. I want everything to work out the way I want it to when I want it to. I know what I want, what I expect, and I presume those expectations on myself and others.

Ugh. I hate it when I overanalyze.