yeah, Mister Fear, you captured me.

for so long, fear has reigned in my life. and I wish I could say that at this moment, I give all to God and force fear away, for His Perfect Love drives out fear! but quite honestly, I'm not sure I can give it up. because, scarily, it feels like I am stuck on this one. like I can't get past it. like my heart is so very weary and my mind is so broken, I can't ever live free of fear. I'm hoping that maybe just possibly getting these fears out in the open and out of my head will help. that I can run from them and to my Savior and be free, if only to keep relying on Him to free me from them.

I'm afraid of not being loved. Afraid of living alone. Afraid of failure. Afraid of hurting others. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid of being friendless. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of being made fun of. Afraid of my rebellious heart. Afraid of change. Afraid of being used. Afraid of being labeled. Afraid of being overestimated. Afraid of turning from God. Afraid of sickness. Afraid of the future. Afraid of depression. Afraid of what I could be. Afraid of what I don't understand. and quite honestly, I'm afraid of eternity. because it's, um hello... FOREVER. and the thought of me. a human. living forever? it boggles my mind... and since I can't understand it, of course it scares me.

So there you go, folks. This little lady is scared of just about anything unreasonable there is to be scared of. and when I see all those things, those worthless yet time-consuming things, that capture my thoughts each day... it make me sigh and say to myself, Oh Becca. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God! The Creator of the ends of the earth! He will not grow tired or weary {of saving your soul}, and his understanding {of your heart and mind} no one can fathom (isaiah 40:28, additional phrases {in brackets} mine)

oh, My God. come to me quickly! for I am weak and broken in spirit and I cannot save myself from the fear that controls my life. save me! pick me up and hold me in your hand so that no one can snatch me from it! restore to me the joy of your salvation and the wonders of your love. help me to bring every thought captive, in obedience to you. help me to guard my heart and mind! be the Lord of every aspect of my life, especially in my thoughts, dear Lord. "so hold me, with arms that made the universe. shelter my heart with all that You are!"

Let Me (Go) lyrics- Nicole C. Mullen

own me.

OWN ME. by Ginny Owens.

Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You in all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed

CHORUS:
Own me, take all that I am,
and heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

(Musical Interlude)

VERSE 2
You call me Daughter,
And You take my blame;
And You run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You in all of my shame,
Lord, I am willing to be changed

CHORUS:
Own me, take all that I am,
and heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me!

confessions of a teenage drama queen.

Date.... July 12, 2010
Starting time.... 10:29 PM
Mood.... hesitant.
Outside my window.... darkness, humidity, and crickets.
I'm thinking.... that I fall too easily.
I'm reading.... lots of books. I really need to finish the Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker and give Will his book back...
I'm listening to....crickets chirping :)
Yesterday I....worshipped my Savior, hung out with other God-lovers, went to my brother and future sister-in-law's wedding tea, helped them move packages into their apartment...
I'm excited for....college. end of story.
I'm sad because....well I'm not really *sad* just disappointed.
I'm hungry for....fried okra. I'm always hungry for fried okra.
The song stuck in my head is.... well, Take A Bow has inhabited my mind for the past few days.
I want....cute strappy sandals :D
I love....my God.
I hate....sadness.
This week my goal is to....focus my heart and mind. everyday challenges!
Did I meet last week's goal? I rarely EVER do. =\
Ending time....10: 35 PM

~~~

more confessions...

= brushing my teeth makes me sleepy.

= I like long hair.

= I bruise easily.

= I hate wearing swimsuits.

= I love sharpies.

= I am about to stretch.

= I stretch every night before I go to sleep :)

= I like cute boys.

= google is my best friend.

= the backspace button is my second best friend.

= I need to lay out. I'm so white.

= I have yellow earphones.

= I can't wait for tomorrow

= I'm quite depressed over the fact that I have only TWO piano lessons left before I go to college. but I try to ignore that little tidbit and enjoy life anyway.

a whispering wish of my heart

untitled, as of yet.

lyrics & tentative music by me.

why aren't you here,

listening to crickets with me?

singing me songs,

and telling me what you really think?

I'm waiting for that day.

I'm waiting until I can say

all of these thoughts in my head

as I lay in bed-

I just want someone to tell them to,

and I'm waiting for the day it's you.

I wish you were here,

running through puddles with me.

telling me jokes,

and whispering romantic things.

I'm waiting for that day

I'm waiting to hear you say

All of those thoughts in your head,

despite what you said.

Don't you want someone to tell them to?

Are you saying, "I hope it's you"?

I'll wait till you're here,

making up new words with me.

holding my hand,

and helping me throw a frisbee.

I'm waiting for that day

Until we both can say

Every thing in our heads

as we lie in bed.

Mr. and Mrs. Your-last-name...

I'll be waiting for that day.

maybe just possibly

So I went to see the new Robin Hood movie a little while back. I was expecting much less than what I found.

((spoiler warning))

for some reason, the movie left me so hopeful, yet I felt so fulfilled. It was like the first half of the movie had whetted my appetite, and the second half gave me a house salad, filet mignon and baked potato, finished with a big slice of strawberry cheesecake and smooth coffee. I'm not kidding.

Robin Hood is in the army of King Richard the Lion-Hearted and on his way back to England after 10 years in the Crusades when the movie opens. Within the first 20 minutes, King Richard is killed, and Robin Hood and his posse break away from the rest of the army because they feel the Crusades are unfair and not an acceptable sacrifice to God. anyway...

long story short, Robin Hood is married to a woman against her will. They fall in love. It's not one of those mushy gushy steamy love scene "love"s though. He just.... falls in love with her. and vice versa. Throughout the movie, there are threads of those little things that lead you to want them to be together. and finally, as Robin leaves Nottingham for the first big battle, he kisses Marian. then he looks her dead in the eye and says, "I love you Marian." and rides off... and at first my heart started saying WHAT?! HE DOESN'T EVEN PROMISE HER HE'LL COME BACK OR ANYTHING?? and then it hit me... Love is a promise. saying "I love you" is equivalent to saying "I promise I'll come back if I'm still alive. I'll fight as hard as I can to make it back for you. I'll come to your rescue. I'll be by your side as long as I can and you're the only one that I would die for." He didn't have to say anything besides "I love you". that was all that she needed to know.

At the very final battle, Robin forms an army of those beaten down and manipulated by the greedy, self-centered King John (who was Richard's brother that took his place when he died). They charge the bad guys, bravely battling and flinging their swords at every assailant. Marian comes romping into battle, bringing reinforcements... and gets snatched from her horse and nearly drowns.

Just when everything looks hopeless and you think Marian is about to die, in gallops Robin. he kills the bad guys... or at least all the ones that are brave enough to come near. He saves Marian. everything isn't completely solved. there are still problems on the horizon.... nothing is perfect. but it's real.

He loves her. He saved her. He fights for what he knows is right. He didn't give up.

it made me both thankful and hopeful.

thankful, that I know people like that- especially guys. I mean, it's all great that girls can stand up for what they know is right... but it's so refreshing in the world today when guys do that. It made me thankful for my guy friends that are so genuinely manly (not to sound weird or anything). and thankful that TeenPact is training young men to follow God and not give up on fighting for integrity.

and hopeful for meeting one... my own personal Robin Hood. as hopelessly (or hopefully?) romantic as that is. it made me hopeful that maybe just possibly there are more real-life Robin Hoods than I know. and that maybe just possibly one of them could be the one to say "I love you." and not have to say anything else.

maybe just possibly.

a heart of change, a change of heart.

WOW.

you know, they always say that when you ask God to move, you better stand back.

and I knew it was true, because I'd seen it in other people's lives. I'd even seen it in my own life, in a small scale.

but for once, I got my guts up and said... ok, God. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm doubting you. how can it possibly be that you have a good future planned for me? that you could ever take care of the mess I continually make of myself? that you could lead me so far down the path of your will that I eventually find a man that loves me and wants to marry me? I find that impossible. I find it impossible that you could perfectly plan out my future.

how horrible is that? but I figured, hey, he knows my heart anyway. I might as well just admit what's in there. my doubt was holding me back from so much, and I could tell. I was getting sick of letting my overwhelmed-ness take control of my thoughts.

so I told him to move.

I had nothing to lose, I said... here I am. I'm nothing, I'm empty, and I don't see how you can use me at all. but I want you to. I want you to change me. to transform me. to do something with this monotonous life that no one would believe.

and he did.

he is.

I'm a work in progress, I can promise you that.

he revealed himself to me. and he continues to do so, every morning that he wakes me up and says: "You're living for a purpose today, writing your legacy one jot at a time. Follow me."

I can't really explain away what happened...

but I opened my heart...

no, I take that back. it was nothing of my own doing. he opened my heart. he poured himself in.

he broke me.

I know now, he'll never let go of me.

he has every moment of my life in his hands.

and this is the safest I've ever felt.