the cry of my heart. currently.

dear God... you know all the emotions that are welling up in my heart right now. you know how much I yearn to spend that semester in London. you know how much my heart longs for love, and how absolutely magical it would be to fall in love in Europe. and you know how much that has occupied my thoughts lately and how much I honestly want that... although I really don't want to admit it.

and as I type this, my heart aches a little more. not because I'm longing even more for love. or even because I feel lonely. it throbs with the realization that I should care more about your love and OUR relationship than anything else. and, of course, I don't. which breaks my heart a little bit less than it should.

God, is it wrong for me to wish for that human affection? to wish that I could be held by a man that loves me? to wish that maybe, I could possibly get into the London semester program. and that maybe, I'll fall in love with someone on that trip with me. and that maybe, I could get my first kiss while riding on a gondola or visiting St. Nicholas' Church in Steventon?

and I come to the conclusion that it isn't wrong. it's natural. the only thing that's wrong about it is when I place that wish about my desire to grow closer to you & when I seek that dream before I seek Your kingdom. but quite honestly, at this point, anything I'm doing or thinking about semi-regularly in my life is above you. because in my heart I know the good thing I ought to be doing- reading Your word every morning and seeking You to see what you have laid out for me. and I'm not.

is that equivalent to living in sin?

ouch.

I think I just condemned myself.

so here we go, God. listen to me for just a second, then I'll shut up and listen to You.

I stand alone,

unsure of where to go.

I know that at this rate

I'll be arriving anywhere late.

because my heart,

it's so jaded.

do you see my dreams?

they're all so faded.

the only thing I'm sure of

is the fact of Your love.

how it seeks me out

and blows me away

and how you keep me alive

to be your witness every day.

I see the raw truth-

I can't get away from you-

of how my sin

has hemmed me in.

I can't break free...

Lord, Please help me.

I have doubts.

I have fears.

I've stopped listening to you,

it's like I have no ears.

I've stopped putting You first,

and lost every hint of thirst.

GOD.

FORGIVE.

ME.

FREE ME.

LOVE ME.

MOVE ME.

HEAL ME.

BREAK ME.

UNDO ME.

just use me.

please.

use me.

i'm nothing but

a broken vessel.

i'm useless, but

i won't even wrestle

with you.

not any more.

I'm alone.

I'm done for.

so rescue me.

save me from myself.

You know I can't make it

when I don't have your help.

in fact, I fall flat

on my face,

eat the dirt,

fall from grace

when I take control

and forget Your plan.

it's not that I need help:

I need Your saving hand

to scoop me up

strip me of my chains.

I need you to take over.

completely.

I've got nothing left to gain.

there's nothing to lose,

so here I choose

my only option left:

YOU.

the fear of the Lord

it's been stormy around here a lot lately. last night, as I was walking back to the practice room, it was lightning profusely, but there was no rain to be felt or thunder to be heard. a slight, eerie wind blew occasionally, but otherwise it was pretty calm. I began thinking about the other day when a friend of mine was talking about how much she loved thunder, and kind of wondered to myself how she did. don't get me wrong, I love storms. but they also scare me. I love the pounding rain, and the bright-veined lightning and rumbling thunder. I love how it scares me with its beauty... how I realize that I'll never fully comprehend the way it works or how a streak of lightning reaches down to earth and catches things on fire. I stand in awe of its beauty but tremble in fear of its power.

and it hit me, that's kind of what the fear of the Lord is, I think. It's not actually being scared of God, but having that awe-inspired mind by the way His voice thunders and mercy pours down on us. it's realizing that we'll never fully understand Him. it's seeing His works and being afraid of the power we realize He holds, because we know how filthy and unrighteous we are in front of his spotless perfection.

chosen.

so as part of the rush process at MC, every girl that rushes gets a big sis, who's an active member in their tribe, that gives them gifts and is basically just there to be there for them.

at the beginning of our 5-week rush process, all the actives began talking amongst themselves and facebook stalking and plotting. A couple weeks ago, we were assigned our bigs and they began giving us letters and presents every few days. For the past 2 or 3 weeks, I've been wondering who my big is and if I'll like her. I still don't know who she is (reveal is tomorrow!), but I've heard some interesting stuff about her from my friends that are already actives.

yesterday I was talking to Elise about bigs, and telling her that I was a little bit scared that I'd get a big that I didn't like or didn't really click with. However, Elise assured me that I knew and liked my big.

"Becca," she informed me, "your big picked you at the first follies practice. she walked in and watched and said 'Yeah, I want Becca.' and walked out."

the first follies practice was at least a month ago.

this blew my mind.

she chose me!

not only did she choose me, but she did so long before everyone else was chosen- by a good two weeks.

the fact that I was wanted, sought after, and "gotten" by someone kind of made me REALLY happy.

I love being wanted, and I never expected that my big could have wanted me from the very beginning.

and as I was standing there smiling and guessing who my secretive big sister is, it's like God hit me in the face.

Hello, Becca! I picked you from the very beginning. I have wanted you and sought after you and "gotten" you! You are mine. I have redeemed you from death, and chosen you to bear fruit and carry my name. You cannot be separated from my love. I've hidden you in myself- you are secure. There will never be a time I leave you, abandon you, or forget you.

(Isaiah 43:1, John 15:16, Romans 8:35, Colossians 3:3, Hebrews 13:5)

What an awesome thought. While being picked by a human that loves me is a wonderful feeling, being chosen and set apart to the God of the Universe- the Creator of the ends of the earth, the Almighty Redeemer, the Savior of my heart- is so much more overwhelming.

Thank you, Jesus for choosing me. Help me to live that out.

admittance

it's all about You, Jesus.

and all this is for You,

for your glory and your name.

it's not about me-

as if you should do things my way.

You alone are God

and I surrender

to your ways.

show me what it is You want from me. I give everything, I surrender.

I don't know what on earth happened to get me to this place. actually, I think I do know.

and it wasn't something on earth. I can promise you that.

God is doing something huge in me... in the words of Sanctus Real, "it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace."

It's like He knows how much my time is constrained, and is honoring my devoting the little open pieces to Him. Like each morning, he reminds me that He woke me up and He's the reason I'm alive, and the whole day I have this indescribable peace. I mean, he kind of promised that in Philippians 4:6-7. He says, "Hey! Stop worrying. Don't be anxious about stuff you can't do anything about. Instead, just talk to me about it. I'm here, I'm listening. I want to hear your heart's cry, so talk to me, Daughter. Pray to me! Beg me! I want you to want me. Be thankful for my blessings- from huge things like being alive, to small things like seeing a gorgeous sunset or hearing the birds singing. Just ask me for anything you need. Once you finally do that, my peace, which no one could ever understand, will protect you. It will fill your heart and guard your mind with my son!" {that was the expanded, becca-tized version of this.}

anyway, each day that I wake up and he reminds me that I am redeemed and chosen to live in His victory, no matter what happens I somehow end the day with joy still. I may cry somewhere in the middle, or heave several sighs of stress, or want to rip my hair out. but in the midst of that, I know he is with me. walking beside me, hemming me in. that is such a beautiful picture to me. and so comforting.

so I have said all that stuff about my awesome God to say this: he is doing the weirdest thing in my life. in the midst of these tweakings and overflowing days of joy, I can almost feel him preparing my heart for the future. I can see him strategically placing people in my life that I know He has a purpose for, beyond just becoming friends in english class.

I can't even explain it beyond that.

This video describes my life right now.

little things

{written 9.6.10 by me}

I remember so clearly,

that sunny day, early spring-

the day you looked at me so dearly,

that day you captured part of me.

I completely fell in love with you,

head first, no turning back.

and the way you said "I saved you!",

it almost gave me a heart attack.

see, you cared about the little things

walked with me, barefoot,

and laughed with me.

it tore my heart to have to leave,

but I knew the jokes we'd made would be

one of those little things.

I remember now, that Sunday

when your eyes locked on mine.

well you took my breath away (it's true)

sometimes, boy you just blew my mind.

you completely stole my heart,

did you ever know you did?

I couldn't stand to be apart,

you'd never believe how I missed you, kid.

see, my heart is fragile- hold carefully.

but I opened it up,

didn't think or care.

I wish I would have told you so...

but I knew my secret love would be

one of those little things.

I remember all so clearly,

when you looked at me like a stranger

and walked right by with no "hello".

that day, you gave up your status as hero.

It completely broke my heart in two,

I cried for days at a time.

boy I wish you knew what you were doing with your life,

wish I could get inside your mind.

see, you don't care about the little things.

don't give me hugs,

or laugh at me.

it's been so hard to simply believe

that one day you'll break those chains, be free.

for you don't see the little things.