september 24.

I wonder what happened. I wonder when it happened.

Everything has changed so much, and is so different now.

Especially with Peyton.

I mean, things are changing and different and GOOD with all my other friends.

But with Peyton, it feels like I was 10 feet from an exploding bomb and am still discovering shrapnel embedded in my skin.

I dunno, maybe that's a little melodramatic.

The truth, though, is this: each time I am with Peyton since I "lost her" or whatever that was happened, it's like we're both just pretending we're the same as we were in 9th grade when we were so close. Like we're pretending nothing ever happened and we can be friends again. But we both know neither of those are true, or ever can be.

No offense to Peyton; I still love her. She still holds a special place in my heart (even though that part is often aching). She is a huge part of my memories from middle and high school. But our friendship is not what is used to be, and I feel like there's no use in even trying to become friends again.

Is that bad?

Don't get me wrong- we're friends. technically. but it feels so much more like an awkward ex-friendship than a growing friendship.

I can barely even remember what happened. Will it bother you if I recap from the beginning? I need to get some of this shrapnel out.

When I was in 5th grade, I was in Mr. Jeff's sunday school class. and I ADORED it. I learned so much about my Savior & His Word in that class. I am so grateful that God put me there. Well, in 6th grade I was in his class again, and since it was a 5th and 6th grade class combined, his 5th grade daughter Peyton was included in that class. The day she walked into sunday school and said "HI! I'm Peyton!" I remember thinking "She's gonna be my best friend." Well, I was right. We became fast friends- so much so that since I was a grade ahead, her parents actually asked mine to consider holding me back a year in my schooling and in church programs so that Peyton and I could be in classes together. My parents, however, decided to let me stay with the group of friends I'd grown up with since we moved here in second grade. But Peyton and I were still friends. 7th grade came for me and we were going to each other's birthday parties and giving each other nicknames and writing notes in secret codes and having sleepovers- sure we would be best friends FOREVER. Just as any pair of giggly 11-year-old girls would be expected to be.

Well, when she moved up to 7th grade, things changed a little. She started hanging out with the "popular" crowd (ones that had always preferred not to hang out with me and my 'outcast' friends). I got mad, and jealous (after all, Peyton SO had it all) and slowly gave up on being friends with Peyton. I managed to live without her for a couple years. then came September 24th, 2007. We were both in youth choir and somewhat accidentally had re-joined our friendship ties within the prior couple of weeks. Well we ended up on the same bus. along with her best friend at that time, a guy I'd had a crush on for the past two years, a guy that was slowly winning my heart, the second guy's girlfriend, and some of my best friends. (Yeah. it was pretty complicated for 10th grade.) It was a blast of a trip and we called that day our anniversary- the day we decided to move past the past and be best friends again. Things were fine and dandy and just plain wonderful- we were full-fledged "BFFs", complete with sleepovers, inside jokes too many to count, prank calling boys we liked, and the friendship journal. We would write back and forth about things that were happening in our lives- it became like superglue between us.

I'm not sure what happened, then. Maybe it was just God's timing. Maybe I became selfish. Maybe she did too. Whatever it was, things quickly came to an end. We'd always told each other, "God lets many people walk into your life. There are some who you let walk away, some you let stay, and some you refuse to let go. I REFUSE TO LET YOU GO." it had been kind of our motto. Through a long, drawn out course of events (which I honestly don't even remember now) I realized: it's time for me to let her go. We were moving in opposite directions and hampering each other from living our lives to the fullest. So, with much sorrow and through lots of tears, I sat her down and tried to explain how we were in different seasons of life and it was time to let go. I felt like I was stopping God from working in my life, and it was miserable. But that wednesday night after we "broke up", it felt like my life had ended. I came home and cried for hours, until I cried myself to sleep. I was pretty sure I had done the right thing, but I was so depressed all I could do was mourn the loss of my best friend. For a good two to three months, I cried myself to sleep every night. I hated that summer of 2008. I didn't want to wake up in the mornings. It was the darkest time of my life.

Eventually, I began healing. It took time, and it still is. But we've matured and moved on to the point that we can actually talk about the past and reminisce and hang out without going postal.

I still don't know what happened. I don't know what changed to make us break up, and what brought us back together.

But can I just say that My God is in control? and he's working things our for my good- because I love him. he's called me to His purpose and guiding me as I live it out.

I celebrate this moment.

hello, world. it's me, Becca. and guess what? tomorrow is Christmas. actually, if you want to be technical, it will be Christmas in one hour and 5 minutes.

as this holiday has so quickly approached, I got so lost in it. I forgot about it, yet it was at the back of my mind constantly (does that make sense?). see, being in college has been a huge step for me. and let's just say that finals week was NOT a piece of cake. I studied my booty off and stayed up till all hours of the night, and I still managed to make time for social activites to chill myself out a little. in fact, my whole semester pretty much looked like that. with a little bit of the rush process mingled in there early on. and of course some BSU, church every sunday, and LIVING in the practice room.

it's safe to say that my entire semester, I was teaching myself to be better and better at going through the motions.

"how are you today?"

"I'm great, you?"

"good! see you later."

...that was my typical conversation with friends that I crossed with in passing.

again, it's safe to say that "I'm great!" was pretty close to THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH. not that I was rebelling against God all semester (eh, let me come back to that), or that I was constantly in emotional breakdown mode. I just settled into that rut of doing what I had to do and living my life without passion. I find it weird that I let myself do that, cause I've always been a passion person. I've always fought for what I held close and made sure I squeezed every bit of juice out of the lemons life threw at me. but somehow, I settled. for mediocrity. for apathy. for oblivion. for what was expected.

and I've always hated doing what is "expected" of me. I purposefully chose not to work at Chick-fil-A because both of my older siblings have and I was practically already on the payroll. I wanted to do something different, something out of the ordinary, that stretched me more and that wasn't what I was "supposed" to do. which is precisely the reason I took German in high school. and taught gymnastics instead of working at Chick-fil-A. and chose loyal friends over popularity.

anyway, this whole semester I've done pretty much the opposite of that. I settled into what I was "supposed" to do. get little sleep, probably not study enough, watch borderline movies, learn the lyrics to the hippest songs, forsake my daily quiet time. because, after all, college students are SUPPOSED to stray from God. right?

now I just sit here and shake my head at myself. How dare I waste 4 and a half months of my life, when God has blessed me with so much and such a vast mission field? I may not have openly "rebelled" against God. I didn't start drinking or smoking or doing drugs or sleeping around (good gracious, I haven't even gotten my first kiss yet). I didn't even stop going to church. I go to bible studies all the time and hang out with "good" kids. But when I only do that because it's become a routine in my life, what good is it?

this reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13, and I think the paraphrase of The Message puts it well.

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."

and while I really want to pull out my Strong's concordance and see if the translation of "love" here has anything to do with the PASSION I was talking about earlier, I will refrain from bringing in a full-blown sermon right here.

can I just say this? I need to confess it.

I spiritually wasted the past 4 months of my life, and I regret every second of it. You know you don't read your Bible often enough when you open it one day and read a Psalm and feel like you've just taken a shower, because you forgot how wonderful the Scriptures are.

God, please forgive me. I got so lost in keeping up my routine this semester and doing what I was "supposed" to do, I totally lost sight of what life is even about. I forgot what it was like to seek you wholeheartedly. and I hope and pray that you'll help me remember. awfully quickly. I really am truly sorry for how I spent these past few months; please redeem that time I wasted. My heart is yours, it always will be. but I pray that you would "give me one pure and holy passion. give me one magnificent obsession. give me one glorious ambition for my life: TO KNOW AND FOLLOW HARD AFTER YOU."

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ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.

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umm...

I really like writing in foreign languages.

I'm in love with fuzzy blankets.

surrender.

is this what I want to do with my life?

wow. eternity.

I know little bits of 10 languages: italian, french, german, spanish, hawaiian, japanese, hebrew, latin, arabic, and of course english.

blue eyes.

I have the best best friend in the WORLD...

and miss you my Kitty Kat.

ack. hopeless romanticism.

where did you go?

I just want to go home.

that is not allowed!

wow. people actually do that?

I am so naive.

and self-centered.

the cry of my heart. currently.

dear God... you know all the emotions that are welling up in my heart right now. you know how much I yearn to spend that semester in London. you know how much my heart longs for love, and how absolutely magical it would be to fall in love in Europe. and you know how much that has occupied my thoughts lately and how much I honestly want that... although I really don't want to admit it.

and as I type this, my heart aches a little more. not because I'm longing even more for love. or even because I feel lonely. it throbs with the realization that I should care more about your love and OUR relationship than anything else. and, of course, I don't. which breaks my heart a little bit less than it should.

God, is it wrong for me to wish for that human affection? to wish that I could be held by a man that loves me? to wish that maybe, I could possibly get into the London semester program. and that maybe, I'll fall in love with someone on that trip with me. and that maybe, I could get my first kiss while riding on a gondola or visiting St. Nicholas' Church in Steventon?

and I come to the conclusion that it isn't wrong. it's natural. the only thing that's wrong about it is when I place that wish about my desire to grow closer to you & when I seek that dream before I seek Your kingdom. but quite honestly, at this point, anything I'm doing or thinking about semi-regularly in my life is above you. because in my heart I know the good thing I ought to be doing- reading Your word every morning and seeking You to see what you have laid out for me. and I'm not.

is that equivalent to living in sin?

ouch.

I think I just condemned myself.

so here we go, God. listen to me for just a second, then I'll shut up and listen to You.

I stand alone,

unsure of where to go.

I know that at this rate

I'll be arriving anywhere late.

because my heart,

it's so jaded.

do you see my dreams?

they're all so faded.

the only thing I'm sure of

is the fact of Your love.

how it seeks me out

and blows me away

and how you keep me alive

to be your witness every day.

I see the raw truth-

I can't get away from you-

of how my sin

has hemmed me in.

I can't break free...

Lord, Please help me.

I have doubts.

I have fears.

I've stopped listening to you,

it's like I have no ears.

I've stopped putting You first,

and lost every hint of thirst.

GOD.

FORGIVE.

ME.

FREE ME.

LOVE ME.

MOVE ME.

HEAL ME.

BREAK ME.

UNDO ME.

just use me.

please.

use me.

i'm nothing but

a broken vessel.

i'm useless, but

i won't even wrestle

with you.

not any more.

I'm alone.

I'm done for.

so rescue me.

save me from myself.

You know I can't make it

when I don't have your help.

in fact, I fall flat

on my face,

eat the dirt,

fall from grace

when I take control

and forget Your plan.

it's not that I need help:

I need Your saving hand

to scoop me up

strip me of my chains.

I need you to take over.

completely.

I've got nothing left to gain.

there's nothing to lose,

so here I choose

my only option left:

YOU.

the fear of the Lord

it's been stormy around here a lot lately. last night, as I was walking back to the practice room, it was lightning profusely, but there was no rain to be felt or thunder to be heard. a slight, eerie wind blew occasionally, but otherwise it was pretty calm. I began thinking about the other day when a friend of mine was talking about how much she loved thunder, and kind of wondered to myself how she did. don't get me wrong, I love storms. but they also scare me. I love the pounding rain, and the bright-veined lightning and rumbling thunder. I love how it scares me with its beauty... how I realize that I'll never fully comprehend the way it works or how a streak of lightning reaches down to earth and catches things on fire. I stand in awe of its beauty but tremble in fear of its power.

and it hit me, that's kind of what the fear of the Lord is, I think. It's not actually being scared of God, but having that awe-inspired mind by the way His voice thunders and mercy pours down on us. it's realizing that we'll never fully understand Him. it's seeing His works and being afraid of the power we realize He holds, because we know how filthy and unrighteous we are in front of his spotless perfection.