september 24.

I wonder what happened. I wonder when it happened.

Everything has changed so much, and is so different now.

Especially with Peyton.

I mean, things are changing and different and GOOD with all my other friends.

But with Peyton, it feels like I was 10 feet from an exploding bomb and am still discovering shrapnel embedded in my skin.

I dunno, maybe that's a little melodramatic.

The truth, though, is this: each time I am with Peyton since I "lost her" or whatever that was happened, it's like we're both just pretending we're the same as we were in 9th grade when we were so close. Like we're pretending nothing ever happened and we can be friends again. But we both know neither of those are true, or ever can be.

No offense to Peyton; I still love her. She still holds a special place in my heart (even though that part is often aching). She is a huge part of my memories from middle and high school. But our friendship is not what is used to be, and I feel like there's no use in even trying to become friends again.

Is that bad?

Don't get me wrong- we're friends. technically. but it feels so much more like an awkward ex-friendship than a growing friendship.

I can barely even remember what happened. Will it bother you if I recap from the beginning? I need to get some of this shrapnel out.

When I was in 5th grade, I was in Mr. Jeff's sunday school class. and I ADORED it. I learned so much about my Savior & His Word in that class. I am so grateful that God put me there. Well, in 6th grade I was in his class again, and since it was a 5th and 6th grade class combined, his 5th grade daughter Peyton was included in that class. The day she walked into sunday school and said "HI! I'm Peyton!" I remember thinking "She's gonna be my best friend." Well, I was right. We became fast friends- so much so that since I was a grade ahead, her parents actually asked mine to consider holding me back a year in my schooling and in church programs so that Peyton and I could be in classes together. My parents, however, decided to let me stay with the group of friends I'd grown up with since we moved here in second grade. But Peyton and I were still friends. 7th grade came for me and we were going to each other's birthday parties and giving each other nicknames and writing notes in secret codes and having sleepovers- sure we would be best friends FOREVER. Just as any pair of giggly 11-year-old girls would be expected to be.

Well, when she moved up to 7th grade, things changed a little. She started hanging out with the "popular" crowd (ones that had always preferred not to hang out with me and my 'outcast' friends). I got mad, and jealous (after all, Peyton SO had it all) and slowly gave up on being friends with Peyton. I managed to live without her for a couple years. then came September 24th, 2007. We were both in youth choir and somewhat accidentally had re-joined our friendship ties within the prior couple of weeks. Well we ended up on the same bus. along with her best friend at that time, a guy I'd had a crush on for the past two years, a guy that was slowly winning my heart, the second guy's girlfriend, and some of my best friends. (Yeah. it was pretty complicated for 10th grade.) It was a blast of a trip and we called that day our anniversary- the day we decided to move past the past and be best friends again. Things were fine and dandy and just plain wonderful- we were full-fledged "BFFs", complete with sleepovers, inside jokes too many to count, prank calling boys we liked, and the friendship journal. We would write back and forth about things that were happening in our lives- it became like superglue between us.

I'm not sure what happened, then. Maybe it was just God's timing. Maybe I became selfish. Maybe she did too. Whatever it was, things quickly came to an end. We'd always told each other, "God lets many people walk into your life. There are some who you let walk away, some you let stay, and some you refuse to let go. I REFUSE TO LET YOU GO." it had been kind of our motto. Through a long, drawn out course of events (which I honestly don't even remember now) I realized: it's time for me to let her go. We were moving in opposite directions and hampering each other from living our lives to the fullest. So, with much sorrow and through lots of tears, I sat her down and tried to explain how we were in different seasons of life and it was time to let go. I felt like I was stopping God from working in my life, and it was miserable. But that wednesday night after we "broke up", it felt like my life had ended. I came home and cried for hours, until I cried myself to sleep. I was pretty sure I had done the right thing, but I was so depressed all I could do was mourn the loss of my best friend. For a good two to three months, I cried myself to sleep every night. I hated that summer of 2008. I didn't want to wake up in the mornings. It was the darkest time of my life.

Eventually, I began healing. It took time, and it still is. But we've matured and moved on to the point that we can actually talk about the past and reminisce and hang out without going postal.

I still don't know what happened. I don't know what changed to make us break up, and what brought us back together.

But can I just say that My God is in control? and he's working things our for my good- because I love him. he's called me to His purpose and guiding me as I live it out.

I celebrate this moment.

hello, world. it's me, Becca. and guess what? tomorrow is Christmas. actually, if you want to be technical, it will be Christmas in one hour and 5 minutes.

as this holiday has so quickly approached, I got so lost in it. I forgot about it, yet it was at the back of my mind constantly (does that make sense?). see, being in college has been a huge step for me. and let's just say that finals week was NOT a piece of cake. I studied my booty off and stayed up till all hours of the night, and I still managed to make time for social activites to chill myself out a little. in fact, my whole semester pretty much looked like that. with a little bit of the rush process mingled in there early on. and of course some BSU, church every sunday, and LIVING in the practice room.

it's safe to say that my entire semester, I was teaching myself to be better and better at going through the motions.

"how are you today?"

"I'm great, you?"

"good! see you later."

...that was my typical conversation with friends that I crossed with in passing.

again, it's safe to say that "I'm great!" was pretty close to THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH. not that I was rebelling against God all semester (eh, let me come back to that), or that I was constantly in emotional breakdown mode. I just settled into that rut of doing what I had to do and living my life without passion. I find it weird that I let myself do that, cause I've always been a passion person. I've always fought for what I held close and made sure I squeezed every bit of juice out of the lemons life threw at me. but somehow, I settled. for mediocrity. for apathy. for oblivion. for what was expected.

and I've always hated doing what is "expected" of me. I purposefully chose not to work at Chick-fil-A because both of my older siblings have and I was practically already on the payroll. I wanted to do something different, something out of the ordinary, that stretched me more and that wasn't what I was "supposed" to do. which is precisely the reason I took German in high school. and taught gymnastics instead of working at Chick-fil-A. and chose loyal friends over popularity.

anyway, this whole semester I've done pretty much the opposite of that. I settled into what I was "supposed" to do. get little sleep, probably not study enough, watch borderline movies, learn the lyrics to the hippest songs, forsake my daily quiet time. because, after all, college students are SUPPOSED to stray from God. right?

now I just sit here and shake my head at myself. How dare I waste 4 and a half months of my life, when God has blessed me with so much and such a vast mission field? I may not have openly "rebelled" against God. I didn't start drinking or smoking or doing drugs or sleeping around (good gracious, I haven't even gotten my first kiss yet). I didn't even stop going to church. I go to bible studies all the time and hang out with "good" kids. But when I only do that because it's become a routine in my life, what good is it?

this reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13, and I think the paraphrase of The Message puts it well.

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."

and while I really want to pull out my Strong's concordance and see if the translation of "love" here has anything to do with the PASSION I was talking about earlier, I will refrain from bringing in a full-blown sermon right here.

can I just say this? I need to confess it.

I spiritually wasted the past 4 months of my life, and I regret every second of it. You know you don't read your Bible often enough when you open it one day and read a Psalm and feel like you've just taken a shower, because you forgot how wonderful the Scriptures are.

God, please forgive me. I got so lost in keeping up my routine this semester and doing what I was "supposed" to do, I totally lost sight of what life is even about. I forgot what it was like to seek you wholeheartedly. and I hope and pray that you'll help me remember. awfully quickly. I really am truly sorry for how I spent these past few months; please redeem that time I wasted. My heart is yours, it always will be. but I pray that you would "give me one pure and holy passion. give me one magnificent obsession. give me one glorious ambition for my life: TO KNOW AND FOLLOW HARD AFTER YOU."

myers-briggs test!

ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.

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Extroverted (E) 81.25% Introverted (I) 18.75% Intuitive (N) 61.11% Sensing (S) 38.89% Feeling (F) 70.59% Thinking (T) 29.41% Perceiving (P) 62.16% Judging (J) 37.84%

This test is really helpful in understanding yourself & how you interact with others. I encourage you to take it! :)

umm...

I really like writing in foreign languages.

I'm in love with fuzzy blankets.

surrender.

is this what I want to do with my life?

wow. eternity.

I know little bits of 10 languages: italian, french, german, spanish, hawaiian, japanese, hebrew, latin, arabic, and of course english.

blue eyes.

I have the best best friend in the WORLD...

and miss you my Kitty Kat.

ack. hopeless romanticism.

where did you go?

I just want to go home.

that is not allowed!

wow. people actually do that?

I am so naive.

and self-centered.

the cry of my heart. currently.

dear God... you know all the emotions that are welling up in my heart right now. you know how much I yearn to spend that semester in London. you know how much my heart longs for love, and how absolutely magical it would be to fall in love in Europe. and you know how much that has occupied my thoughts lately and how much I honestly want that... although I really don't want to admit it.

and as I type this, my heart aches a little more. not because I'm longing even more for love. or even because I feel lonely. it throbs with the realization that I should care more about your love and OUR relationship than anything else. and, of course, I don't. which breaks my heart a little bit less than it should.

God, is it wrong for me to wish for that human affection? to wish that I could be held by a man that loves me? to wish that maybe, I could possibly get into the London semester program. and that maybe, I'll fall in love with someone on that trip with me. and that maybe, I could get my first kiss while riding on a gondola or visiting St. Nicholas' Church in Steventon?

and I come to the conclusion that it isn't wrong. it's natural. the only thing that's wrong about it is when I place that wish about my desire to grow closer to you & when I seek that dream before I seek Your kingdom. but quite honestly, at this point, anything I'm doing or thinking about semi-regularly in my life is above you. because in my heart I know the good thing I ought to be doing- reading Your word every morning and seeking You to see what you have laid out for me. and I'm not.

is that equivalent to living in sin?

ouch.

I think I just condemned myself.

so here we go, God. listen to me for just a second, then I'll shut up and listen to You.

I stand alone,

unsure of where to go.

I know that at this rate

I'll be arriving anywhere late.

because my heart,

it's so jaded.

do you see my dreams?

they're all so faded.

the only thing I'm sure of

is the fact of Your love.

how it seeks me out

and blows me away

and how you keep me alive

to be your witness every day.

I see the raw truth-

I can't get away from you-

of how my sin

has hemmed me in.

I can't break free...

Lord, Please help me.

I have doubts.

I have fears.

I've stopped listening to you,

it's like I have no ears.

I've stopped putting You first,

and lost every hint of thirst.

GOD.

FORGIVE.

ME.

FREE ME.

LOVE ME.

MOVE ME.

HEAL ME.

BREAK ME.

UNDO ME.

just use me.

please.

use me.

i'm nothing but

a broken vessel.

i'm useless, but

i won't even wrestle

with you.

not any more.

I'm alone.

I'm done for.

so rescue me.

save me from myself.

You know I can't make it

when I don't have your help.

in fact, I fall flat

on my face,

eat the dirt,

fall from grace

when I take control

and forget Your plan.

it's not that I need help:

I need Your saving hand

to scoop me up

strip me of my chains.

I need you to take over.

completely.

I've got nothing left to gain.

there's nothing to lose,

so here I choose

my only option left:

YOU.

the fear of the Lord

it's been stormy around here a lot lately. last night, as I was walking back to the practice room, it was lightning profusely, but there was no rain to be felt or thunder to be heard. a slight, eerie wind blew occasionally, but otherwise it was pretty calm. I began thinking about the other day when a friend of mine was talking about how much she loved thunder, and kind of wondered to myself how she did. don't get me wrong, I love storms. but they also scare me. I love the pounding rain, and the bright-veined lightning and rumbling thunder. I love how it scares me with its beauty... how I realize that I'll never fully comprehend the way it works or how a streak of lightning reaches down to earth and catches things on fire. I stand in awe of its beauty but tremble in fear of its power.

and it hit me, that's kind of what the fear of the Lord is, I think. It's not actually being scared of God, but having that awe-inspired mind by the way His voice thunders and mercy pours down on us. it's realizing that we'll never fully understand Him. it's seeing His works and being afraid of the power we realize He holds, because we know how filthy and unrighteous we are in front of his spotless perfection.

chosen.

so as part of the rush process at MC, every girl that rushes gets a big sis, who's an active member in their tribe, that gives them gifts and is basically just there to be there for them.

at the beginning of our 5-week rush process, all the actives began talking amongst themselves and facebook stalking and plotting. A couple weeks ago, we were assigned our bigs and they began giving us letters and presents every few days. For the past 2 or 3 weeks, I've been wondering who my big is and if I'll like her. I still don't know who she is (reveal is tomorrow!), but I've heard some interesting stuff about her from my friends that are already actives.

yesterday I was talking to Elise about bigs, and telling her that I was a little bit scared that I'd get a big that I didn't like or didn't really click with. However, Elise assured me that I knew and liked my big.

"Becca," she informed me, "your big picked you at the first follies practice. she walked in and watched and said 'Yeah, I want Becca.' and walked out."

the first follies practice was at least a month ago.

this blew my mind.

she chose me!

not only did she choose me, but she did so long before everyone else was chosen- by a good two weeks.

the fact that I was wanted, sought after, and "gotten" by someone kind of made me REALLY happy.

I love being wanted, and I never expected that my big could have wanted me from the very beginning.

and as I was standing there smiling and guessing who my secretive big sister is, it's like God hit me in the face.

Hello, Becca! I picked you from the very beginning. I have wanted you and sought after you and "gotten" you! You are mine. I have redeemed you from death, and chosen you to bear fruit and carry my name. You cannot be separated from my love. I've hidden you in myself- you are secure. There will never be a time I leave you, abandon you, or forget you.

(Isaiah 43:1, John 15:16, Romans 8:35, Colossians 3:3, Hebrews 13:5)

What an awesome thought. While being picked by a human that loves me is a wonderful feeling, being chosen and set apart to the God of the Universe- the Creator of the ends of the earth, the Almighty Redeemer, the Savior of my heart- is so much more overwhelming.

Thank you, Jesus for choosing me. Help me to live that out.

admittance

it's all about You, Jesus.

and all this is for You,

for your glory and your name.

it's not about me-

as if you should do things my way.

You alone are God

and I surrender

to your ways.

show me what it is You want from me. I give everything, I surrender.

I don't know what on earth happened to get me to this place. actually, I think I do know.

and it wasn't something on earth. I can promise you that.

God is doing something huge in me... in the words of Sanctus Real, "it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace."

It's like He knows how much my time is constrained, and is honoring my devoting the little open pieces to Him. Like each morning, he reminds me that He woke me up and He's the reason I'm alive, and the whole day I have this indescribable peace. I mean, he kind of promised that in Philippians 4:6-7. He says, "Hey! Stop worrying. Don't be anxious about stuff you can't do anything about. Instead, just talk to me about it. I'm here, I'm listening. I want to hear your heart's cry, so talk to me, Daughter. Pray to me! Beg me! I want you to want me. Be thankful for my blessings- from huge things like being alive, to small things like seeing a gorgeous sunset or hearing the birds singing. Just ask me for anything you need. Once you finally do that, my peace, which no one could ever understand, will protect you. It will fill your heart and guard your mind with my son!" {that was the expanded, becca-tized version of this.}

anyway, each day that I wake up and he reminds me that I am redeemed and chosen to live in His victory, no matter what happens I somehow end the day with joy still. I may cry somewhere in the middle, or heave several sighs of stress, or want to rip my hair out. but in the midst of that, I know he is with me. walking beside me, hemming me in. that is such a beautiful picture to me. and so comforting.

so I have said all that stuff about my awesome God to say this: he is doing the weirdest thing in my life. in the midst of these tweakings and overflowing days of joy, I can almost feel him preparing my heart for the future. I can see him strategically placing people in my life that I know He has a purpose for, beyond just becoming friends in english class.

I can't even explain it beyond that.

This video describes my life right now.

little things

{written 9.6.10 by me}

I remember so clearly,

that sunny day, early spring-

the day you looked at me so dearly,

that day you captured part of me.

I completely fell in love with you,

head first, no turning back.

and the way you said "I saved you!",

it almost gave me a heart attack.

see, you cared about the little things

walked with me, barefoot,

and laughed with me.

it tore my heart to have to leave,

but I knew the jokes we'd made would be

one of those little things.

I remember now, that Sunday

when your eyes locked on mine.

well you took my breath away (it's true)

sometimes, boy you just blew my mind.

you completely stole my heart,

did you ever know you did?

I couldn't stand to be apart,

you'd never believe how I missed you, kid.

see, my heart is fragile- hold carefully.

but I opened it up,

didn't think or care.

I wish I would have told you so...

but I knew my secret love would be

one of those little things.

I remember all so clearly,

when you looked at me like a stranger

and walked right by with no "hello".

that day, you gave up your status as hero.

It completely broke my heart in two,

I cried for days at a time.

boy I wish you knew what you were doing with your life,

wish I could get inside your mind.

see, you don't care about the little things.

don't give me hugs,

or laugh at me.

it's been so hard to simply believe

that one day you'll break those chains, be free.

for you don't see the little things.

blast the mozart.

play it louder, please. louder.

it's nights like this when you know that something is overworking itself in this little girl's head. the smell of coffee wafts from my door, and The Marriage of Figaro is blaring from my itunes. those two hints alone should easily demonstrate my overwhelmed-ness and exhaustion. I can't even think past what is happening at this very moment to make sure I've completed all my homework for tomorrow. thoughts whirl all through my head, too fast to grab even a single one and analyze its source and reason.

my legs ache from my workout.

my head pounds from stress.

not to mention that my prayer life has been basically nonexistent lately. is it sad that I'm too busy receiving an education and "growing up" to thank the One who gave me those things? {the correct answer is YES.}

somehow coffee, good biscotti, and some classical music ease all my woes and calms my anxious heart. and I have a strong urge that a hot shower would help that process along even farther.

God, please help me. there is no way I can do this myself! I am insanely crazy busy and emotionally exhausted, as well as physically spent. Give me vivacity to live the Crazy-loving life you've called me to. Help me rest well and awake with a fresh perspective and outlook. Hide me under the shadow of your wings, as I dwell in your shelter. Protect me. cause I am so weak and worn out I couldn't defend myself if my life depended on it {which it kind of does}. I need you, Jesus, to come to my rescue! Where else can I go? There's NO other name by which I am saved- so capture me with grace. I will follow you.

cover me with a red sky tonight, the promise of a better day to come.

life is constant insanity now. college is a totally different world! it's been really fun, but really hard adjusting so far. I miss my family. I miss knowing where everything is. but at the same time, I know this is where I'm supposed to be. so I guess I just take it as it comes and trust that He'll get me through? there are no other options.

the bare necessities.

well hello! my name is Rebecca, and most everyone calls me Becca. In my life, a whole lot of awesome stuff has occurred, and there is always too much boring in between. Among the awesome things are my little brother's birth at the time I was four years old, and he is now thirteen. I also have an older brother, named Chris, who is twenty-three years of age. Lauren, my older sister, turned twenty on March 18th this year, which just so happens to be my birthday as well

another awesome thing that has happened was when Jesus Christ saved my life. I would say he became Lord of my life, but sadly, I tend to take over the "Lord" position entirely too often. we're working on that.

additionally, I coach gymnastics, which I love with a passion. Piano is also a favorite hobby

of mine, and I hope to get a degree in Piano Music Education. Other hobbies of mine include painting,

playing guitar, babysitting, baking desserts, talking to friends, reading, anything to do with music,

and dancing. I've never taken dance lessons, but I was a competitive level gymnast for five years

and took gymnastics for eight years total.

I hope you've enjoyed reading about me, and I look forward to getting to know you soon! :)

afahilfgeyilaghueifbhdjksghisalgruaielgiul=life makes no sense.

yet again, I find myself in a place where nothing but music makes sense. at least I have some form of a constant for the time being.

and I rejoice to know that I have a God I can trust even when he isn't there, as Dr. Robert Smith put so well.

so, here we are, lyrics currently describing my life...

++++++++++++++++++++

I've found a little is not quite enough. I know how I can stray, and how fast my heart could change. Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition, and the poison of my pride. And any foolish thing my heart holds to, Lord empty me of me, so I can be filled with you!

++++++++++++++++++++

I can't believe that I'm here in this place again. How did I manage to mess up one more time? This pattern seems to be the story of my life. Should've learned this lesson by the thousandth time. Cause I promised myself I wouldn't fall, but here I've fallen. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. All I can do is cry to you, O God, you have to save me! You're my last and only hope. All my right answers failed me, and I can't seem to make it on my own.

++++++++++++++++++++

I'm staring at these empty walls, wondering when you'll visit me again. When will you come? If there is anything at all coming in between our love, please show me, cause I am barely hanging on. Can anybody hear me? The silence is deafening. Why do you seem so far away, when I know you're here with me? I just need the faith to see, nothing can separate me from your love. Believing what I can't see has never come naturally to me, and I've got questions. But I am certain of a love strong enough to hold me when I'm doubting. You'll never let go of my hand. Can anybody hear me?

++++++++++++++++++++

I can't walk without watching where I'm going. I can't speak without knowing what to say. I can't love without any hesitation cause I know that you don't work that way... I'm not gonna fight you anymore. Not gonna try to lock the door. You took your life and gave me yours, there's no reason why I shouldn't trust you with mine.

++++++++++++++++++++

be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side. bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide. In every change, he faithful will remain! Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

++++++++++++++++++++

how long will this take? how much can I go through? my heart, my soul aches, I don't know what to do. I bend, but don't break, and somehow I get through, because I have you. and if I had to crawl, well you'd crawl too. I stumble and I fall, carry me through. the wonder of it all, is you see me through. O Lord, where are you? do not forget me here. I cry in silence, do you not see my tears? when all have left me, and hope has disappeared, you'll find me here.

++++++++++++++++++++

you look around, and staring back at your another wave of doubt. will it pull you under, you wonder. what if I'm overtaken? what if I never make it? what if no one's there? will you hear my prayer? when you take that first step, into the unknown, you know He won't let you go. so what are you waiting for? what do you have to lose? your insecurity is trying to hold to you. you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move. yeah faith is all it takes and you can walk on the water too.

++++++++++++++++++++

I am yours and you are mine. You know far better than I; and if destruction's what I need, then I'll receive it, Lord, from thee. I need you like a hurricane- thunder, crashing wind, and rain- to tear my walls down, I'm only yours now. I need you like a burning flame, a wildfire untamed, to burn these walls down, I'm only yours now. only yours now.

teacher, teacher!

my favorite part of every day I coach is always when a preschooler runs over to me and taps me on the shoulder- "TEACHER! TEACHER!" and I get to be just that- a teacher- and help them learn to do something they never have before. sure, they always fail at first. but do I simply give up on them? never.

thank you for being that, and more, to me, Father. For teaching me new skills and filling my mind with knowledge and helping me as I attempt to flesh it out. help me rely on you and cry out to you, Teacher! Teacher! every moment of my helpless life.

{journaled on 7.28.10}

yeah, Mister Fear, you captured me.

for so long, fear has reigned in my life. and I wish I could say that at this moment, I give all to God and force fear away, for His Perfect Love drives out fear! but quite honestly, I'm not sure I can give it up. because, scarily, it feels like I am stuck on this one. like I can't get past it. like my heart is so very weary and my mind is so broken, I can't ever live free of fear. I'm hoping that maybe just possibly getting these fears out in the open and out of my head will help. that I can run from them and to my Savior and be free, if only to keep relying on Him to free me from them.

I'm afraid of not being loved. Afraid of living alone. Afraid of failure. Afraid of hurting others. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid of being friendless. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of being made fun of. Afraid of my rebellious heart. Afraid of change. Afraid of being used. Afraid of being labeled. Afraid of being overestimated. Afraid of turning from God. Afraid of sickness. Afraid of the future. Afraid of depression. Afraid of what I could be. Afraid of what I don't understand. and quite honestly, I'm afraid of eternity. because it's, um hello... FOREVER. and the thought of me. a human. living forever? it boggles my mind... and since I can't understand it, of course it scares me.

So there you go, folks. This little lady is scared of just about anything unreasonable there is to be scared of. and when I see all those things, those worthless yet time-consuming things, that capture my thoughts each day... it make me sigh and say to myself, Oh Becca. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God! The Creator of the ends of the earth! He will not grow tired or weary {of saving your soul}, and his understanding {of your heart and mind} no one can fathom (isaiah 40:28, additional phrases {in brackets} mine)

oh, My God. come to me quickly! for I am weak and broken in spirit and I cannot save myself from the fear that controls my life. save me! pick me up and hold me in your hand so that no one can snatch me from it! restore to me the joy of your salvation and the wonders of your love. help me to bring every thought captive, in obedience to you. help me to guard my heart and mind! be the Lord of every aspect of my life, especially in my thoughts, dear Lord. "so hold me, with arms that made the universe. shelter my heart with all that You are!"

Let Me (Go) lyrics- Nicole C. Mullen

own me.

OWN ME. by Ginny Owens.

Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You in all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed

CHORUS:
Own me, take all that I am,
and heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

(Musical Interlude)

VERSE 2
You call me Daughter,
And You take my blame;
And You run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You in all of my shame,
Lord, I am willing to be changed

CHORUS:
Own me, take all that I am,
and heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me!

confessions of a teenage drama queen.

Date.... July 12, 2010
Starting time.... 10:29 PM
Mood.... hesitant.
Outside my window.... darkness, humidity, and crickets.
I'm thinking.... that I fall too easily.
I'm reading.... lots of books. I really need to finish the Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker and give Will his book back...
I'm listening to....crickets chirping :)
Yesterday I....worshipped my Savior, hung out with other God-lovers, went to my brother and future sister-in-law's wedding tea, helped them move packages into their apartment...
I'm excited for....college. end of story.
I'm sad because....well I'm not really *sad* just disappointed.
I'm hungry for....fried okra. I'm always hungry for fried okra.
The song stuck in my head is.... well, Take A Bow has inhabited my mind for the past few days.
I want....cute strappy sandals :D
I love....my God.
I hate....sadness.
This week my goal is to....focus my heart and mind. everyday challenges!
Did I meet last week's goal? I rarely EVER do. =\
Ending time....10: 35 PM

~~~

more confessions...

= brushing my teeth makes me sleepy.

= I like long hair.

= I bruise easily.

= I hate wearing swimsuits.

= I love sharpies.

= I am about to stretch.

= I stretch every night before I go to sleep :)

= I like cute boys.

= google is my best friend.

= the backspace button is my second best friend.

= I need to lay out. I'm so white.

= I have yellow earphones.

= I can't wait for tomorrow

= I'm quite depressed over the fact that I have only TWO piano lessons left before I go to college. but I try to ignore that little tidbit and enjoy life anyway.

a whispering wish of my heart

untitled, as of yet.

lyrics & tentative music by me.

why aren't you here,

listening to crickets with me?

singing me songs,

and telling me what you really think?

I'm waiting for that day.

I'm waiting until I can say

all of these thoughts in my head

as I lay in bed-

I just want someone to tell them to,

and I'm waiting for the day it's you.

I wish you were here,

running through puddles with me.

telling me jokes,

and whispering romantic things.

I'm waiting for that day

I'm waiting to hear you say

All of those thoughts in your head,

despite what you said.

Don't you want someone to tell them to?

Are you saying, "I hope it's you"?

I'll wait till you're here,

making up new words with me.

holding my hand,

and helping me throw a frisbee.

I'm waiting for that day

Until we both can say

Every thing in our heads

as we lie in bed.

Mr. and Mrs. Your-last-name...

I'll be waiting for that day.

maybe just possibly

So I went to see the new Robin Hood movie a little while back. I was expecting much less than what I found.

((spoiler warning))

for some reason, the movie left me so hopeful, yet I felt so fulfilled. It was like the first half of the movie had whetted my appetite, and the second half gave me a house salad, filet mignon and baked potato, finished with a big slice of strawberry cheesecake and smooth coffee. I'm not kidding.

Robin Hood is in the army of King Richard the Lion-Hearted and on his way back to England after 10 years in the Crusades when the movie opens. Within the first 20 minutes, King Richard is killed, and Robin Hood and his posse break away from the rest of the army because they feel the Crusades are unfair and not an acceptable sacrifice to God. anyway...

long story short, Robin Hood is married to a woman against her will. They fall in love. It's not one of those mushy gushy steamy love scene "love"s though. He just.... falls in love with her. and vice versa. Throughout the movie, there are threads of those little things that lead you to want them to be together. and finally, as Robin leaves Nottingham for the first big battle, he kisses Marian. then he looks her dead in the eye and says, "I love you Marian." and rides off... and at first my heart started saying WHAT?! HE DOESN'T EVEN PROMISE HER HE'LL COME BACK OR ANYTHING?? and then it hit me... Love is a promise. saying "I love you" is equivalent to saying "I promise I'll come back if I'm still alive. I'll fight as hard as I can to make it back for you. I'll come to your rescue. I'll be by your side as long as I can and you're the only one that I would die for." He didn't have to say anything besides "I love you". that was all that she needed to know.

At the very final battle, Robin forms an army of those beaten down and manipulated by the greedy, self-centered King John (who was Richard's brother that took his place when he died). They charge the bad guys, bravely battling and flinging their swords at every assailant. Marian comes romping into battle, bringing reinforcements... and gets snatched from her horse and nearly drowns.

Just when everything looks hopeless and you think Marian is about to die, in gallops Robin. he kills the bad guys... or at least all the ones that are brave enough to come near. He saves Marian. everything isn't completely solved. there are still problems on the horizon.... nothing is perfect. but it's real.

He loves her. He saved her. He fights for what he knows is right. He didn't give up.

it made me both thankful and hopeful.

thankful, that I know people like that- especially guys. I mean, it's all great that girls can stand up for what they know is right... but it's so refreshing in the world today when guys do that. It made me thankful for my guy friends that are so genuinely manly (not to sound weird or anything). and thankful that TeenPact is training young men to follow God and not give up on fighting for integrity.

and hopeful for meeting one... my own personal Robin Hood. as hopelessly (or hopefully?) romantic as that is. it made me hopeful that maybe just possibly there are more real-life Robin Hoods than I know. and that maybe just possibly one of them could be the one to say "I love you." and not have to say anything else.

maybe just possibly.

a heart of change, a change of heart.

WOW.

you know, they always say that when you ask God to move, you better stand back.

and I knew it was true, because I'd seen it in other people's lives. I'd even seen it in my own life, in a small scale.

but for once, I got my guts up and said... ok, God. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm doubting you. how can it possibly be that you have a good future planned for me? that you could ever take care of the mess I continually make of myself? that you could lead me so far down the path of your will that I eventually find a man that loves me and wants to marry me? I find that impossible. I find it impossible that you could perfectly plan out my future.

how horrible is that? but I figured, hey, he knows my heart anyway. I might as well just admit what's in there. my doubt was holding me back from so much, and I could tell. I was getting sick of letting my overwhelmed-ness take control of my thoughts.

so I told him to move.

I had nothing to lose, I said... here I am. I'm nothing, I'm empty, and I don't see how you can use me at all. but I want you to. I want you to change me. to transform me. to do something with this monotonous life that no one would believe.

and he did.

he is.

I'm a work in progress, I can promise you that.

he revealed himself to me. and he continues to do so, every morning that he wakes me up and says: "You're living for a purpose today, writing your legacy one jot at a time. Follow me."

I can't really explain away what happened...

but I opened my heart...

no, I take that back. it was nothing of my own doing. he opened my heart. he poured himself in.

he broke me.

I know now, he'll never let go of me.

he has every moment of my life in his hands.

and this is the safest I've ever felt.

lyrics that describe my life currently.

I really liked it when I did this last time... so here we go again...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith, But giving up would cost me everything. So I'll stand in the pain and silence, And I'll speak to the dark night: I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent. And I, I believe. Though I can't see my stories ending, That doesn't mean the dark night has no end. It's only here that I find faith and learn to trust the one who writes my days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your blood speaks a better word than all the empty claims I've heard upon this earth. Speaks righteousness for me, stands in my defense- Jesus, it's your blood. Your blood. Jesus' blood never fails me. Jesus' blood never fails me. Jesus' blood! Jesus' blood!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you say go, we will go. If you say wait, we will wait. If you say step out on the water, and they say it can't be done, we'll fix our eyes on you and we will come!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know how it is you looked at me and saw the person that I could be- awakening my heart, breaking through the dark, suddenly your grace... like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful. mercy, reaching to save me, all that I need, you are so beautiful, beautiful.

the way to begin

"...I've reached the end, and You are the way to begin..."

was my cry to God last night. it felt like the end of all things. graduation. pomp and circumstance. cap and gown. cliche cards, money out the wazoo, and CONGRATULATIONS! they all made graduation feel so... routine? so ordinary instead of extraordinary. nothing special... just what was expected.

it doesn't feel any different. I mean, it was great and all celebrating it and getting my diploma. but it didn't feel like the ahmazing supertastical celebration I though it would be. it was just expected that I would graduate. duhhh.

so anyway. it was kind of depressing, how soon it all ended and how fast I've grown up. I had to turn that over to God... because if I'd held on to that, there is no telling how long I would stay caught in "the end". but, like a girl said in her speech at the graduation, don't miss now.

I don't want to miss each moment, savor the flavors, and take in the colors. I've reached the end, there is nowhere else to turn. it's time to begin again.

here we go.

paul=wow.

I've been reading through the Bible this year, and am currently flying through all of Paul's letters to the churches, Timothy, and Titus. Tonight I started Titus, and for the umpteenth time in the past 3 weeks or so, I was utterly blown away by how amazing Paul was. I want to meet that man so badly. He was such a thinker, sometimes I have to re-read his writings sooo many times to comprehend what he's said. but check this out, I find it to be so true!

Titus 1:15-16 "To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good."

HOW CONVICTING.

If I find myself thinking impure or perverted thoughts, or seeing those things as funny, the passage in Ephesians 5 often pops into my head. There, Paul urges us to walk as children of the light and have no part of darkness in us. and now this! wow. If I am finding ANYTHING AT ALL in my life to be impure, corrupted, or twisted- THAT MEANS I AM IMPURE, CORRUPT AND TWISTED. just goes to show that our heart really is deceitful above all else! (Jeremiah 17:9).

Oh, God, help me to lift you up with my actions, attitudes, thoughts, and words. I don't want to deny you in any way! I want to be fit to do good and bring glory to you. So purify my heart, that I may become like you.

second chances.

sometimes the past just won't leave me alone. seems like I finally get past something, or am able to move past memories with someone... only to suddenly have it spring back into my life. why does this always seem to happen to me? something happens that pulls me away from someone. and just when I finally adjust to it, they come back. and why does it seem like they're always better when the second time comes back around? more friendly, or kinder, or cuter, or easier to talk to. why does this happen? with guys, with friends... always happens. uggghhhh. I don't like it a whole lot. with friends, sometimes it's ok. with guys? never good.

it always just seems to make life more complicated. like life is easy to begin with and I NEED more complication? negatory.

and then I'm caught in this, do-I-try-to-let-them-back-in-or-do-I-ignore-the-attempt scenario. which is never easy to decipher. EVER. I hate making those decisions (of course I hate almost any decision-making, but...), they're the worst.

bahahaha... I just realized what a pessimist I'm being. and I feel kinda bad... but blogging is my emotion release and well, this is the most present emotion right now.

so the sum of all this is:

do I give them a second chance or not? is this worth it? or will I get walked out on again?

bad moods.

yes, I'm weird. I eat peanut butter and cheese sandwiches. I hate geometry. I love poetry. I actually enjoy school most of the time. I have the heart of an artist, which means I am basically bipolar. I can be grinning from ear to ear one moment and ready to rip someone's head off within minutes. I peel the crust off my bread. I haaaate cockroaches. I like to sit on top of my mailbox. I get extremely nervous in awkward situations. When I have to speak in front of people, my heart beats out of my chest. I can't stand fast-food hamburgers. Love scenes in movies make me feel extremely awkward/weird. I have a huge celebrity crush on William Moseley. that often embarrasses me. I hate feeling different from other people, especially close friends. I get that feeling often. I often bare my heart on my blog (obviously). Music soothes my emotions. I am the most worried, scared, and naturally anxious person on the face of the earth. I have horrible self-esteem. I am scared of being an old maid. I am also scared of getting married. I hate the color of my eyes. I wish I was a kid again. I love quotes. I am self-centered. I don't deserve my Savior. But I am so in love with him. I can't live without him. I think about guys too much. I focus on fear too much. I am often ADD/ADHD. I don't recycle. I feel ugly. I want so badly to pay someone back sometimes... but never do. I regret my words so often. I wish chick flicks were reality. I have so much growing up to do. I hope someone loves me.

but then it's not about me. so none of that matters, does it?

it's all about Him.

and I thank him that I don't matter, that He is everything. because I am nothing.

I'm found in the arms of love.

as many of you know, music plays a huge part in my life. God has used music I play and listen to, to do some huge things in my life! one of the songs he uses so many times to humble me and draw me to him, to bring me running into his arms of love (also the source for my blog url), is called King Of All Days by Hillsong. enjoy. :)

In your surrender
As you lay down your life
You took up a sinners cross
And your live rescued mine

In this redemption
Love and mercy display
Lifting my eyes to see
That your truth never fails

Lord of the heavens
King of all days
Without you my world slips away
Redeemed by your mercy
Consumed by your grace
Now I live for you

I'm found in the arms of love
Your love it has saved my soul
I'll run to your arms of love
Your life's gonna lead me home

Glorious savior
In your light I am free
If things of this world will fail
Still you're all that I need

Lord of the heavens
King of all days
Without you my world slips away
Redeemed by your mercy
Consumed by your grace
Now I live for you

I'm found in the arms of love
Your love it has saved my soul
I'll run to your arms of love
Your life's gonna lead me home

(And) at your cross
I lay my burden
At your feet
Where your love covers
All I've done
Now I walk with you lord

I'm found in the arms of love
For your love it has saved my soul
I'll run to your arms of love
Your life's gonna lead me home

one of those days

it's been one of those days. hopeless romantics thoughts fly through my head. the sunset sparks a glow in my heart that can't be turned down. I love everything. from the rough scratch of a brick against my skin, to a cool green clover beneath my feet, to the chill bumps you get from those sweet spring breezes. everything is aesthetically appealing. everything is beautiful. it's optimism in its purest form. love unblemished. hope unhindered.

it's perfection... plus some gnats. ;)

I love these days... these short moments that never last long enough.

but at least they come. even as short as they may be, they brighten the world. they brighten my life and the darkness that may be there. bringing pure hope, joy, love, and peace in the midst of this insanely hectic life. thank you, God, for these days.

reading in Romans.

firstly I would love to thank Paul for being such an intellectual God-scholar! If you have never really read Romans... READ IT. It is amazing, beyond comprehension. not to mention extremely thought-provoking.

so I was reading my devotional the other night, in Romans 5 & 6.

just take a second to read this, yall.

"Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Romans 6

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."

wow. there is so much here! man. I don't think I can begin to delve into this. Read it.

read it again.

slowly... read it out loud. eat it.

that's all I've got.

over & out.

caramel macchiato-induced self-realizations (version 2)

I'm not sure what it is about the warm and relaxing qualities of a steamy caramel macchiato that cause these startling observations of myself. but here I am again, hit by a thought that had never entered my mind.

calmly swallowing my coffee... then.. bam. it hits me. you don't accept yourself for who you are, becca. how can you expect others to like you if you don't see that you're likable? you live your life wanting to be like others. you want her hair, his eyes, eyelashes like she has, and a body that looks like hers. you want to be more bubbly like her, more confident like him, as kind as he is, and more like her. you are living your life emulating others, modeling yourself to be like fictional characters. why are you living like this?! don't you realize what you have before you? you are going to end up looking like a big bowl of melted rainbow sherbet! so full of different ideas and hopes that aren't even who you are, that you just look unappealing and confused. you lose yourself, somewhere between changing your favorite color and going from Jessica Simpson heels to Converse. and before you know it, you find yourself wondering... where did I go? I don't know who I am anymore.

Stop modeling yourself after what appeals to others. There is always gonna be someone who doesn't like you. There will always be someone you think is better than you.

Just live your life. Honor God. Have fun. Seek him. and realize that you don't have to be like someone else to be loved. "If they don't like you for who you are, they won't like you for who you're not," a wise friend of mine once told me. Remember that.

ponderful life.

I kind of love life right now. even though I don't understand much of anything... somehow I feel as if I'm gliding through on a layer of joy and peace. is that a God-thing? I think so. for the first time in forever it feels like I'm completely happy. settled with friends. growing in Christ. at peace with family. and (as always) it kinda scares me. but you know what? I really don't care. because every time I start caring about what might be coming, or worrying about what ifs, it seems like I cause those things to happen. but when I just relax... let go, and let God... he works it all out. and you'd think I'd know that by now, from all the millions of times that I've realized this. but somehow I can't seem to put it into action each time. but then if I could, why would I need Him to remind me, right? ugh, I'm thinking in circles again. I could stand some sleep...

beauty questioned.

Imagine this: you're sitting on the couch, watching a chick flick. or the bachelor. or say yes to the dress. Then comes the climax... he chases her down and kisses her... he gives her the rose... she buys the wedding dress... what is it about that climax that hits so close to home? why is it that we see these images and wish for these moments? why do we wish for the beauty that we feel we don't have? and why do we think we don't have it?
I have this need to feel beautiful stored somewhere deep inside me. I think I was born with it. This need to feel worthy, loved, beautiful, and wanted. where did it come from? why do I have it? what am I supposed to do with it?
because apparently, it can be handled the wrong way. some girls take their need for beauty and go all bad girl. some girls ignore their need for beauty and pretend they could care less. what is the appropriate way to deal with your yearning for love?
I wish I had the answer to these questions. but I don't.
what do you think?

only trust Him

wow. I don't think I can even begin to describe what life has been like lately. God is working so much, and yet he somehow seems far away. Not like.... nonexistent. or even distant. just... quiet, maybe? yes. quiet. it's strange, and it kind of scares me. but at the same time I'm loving life so much, for the first time in so long, that I realize that no matter what's coming, I can make it. look at how far I've come, how far He's brought me! although I may not want to, I do believe I could make it through anything, with Him. (but I'm not sure if I should say that. it's almost like opening myself up for disaster and testing. haha)

anyway. life feels so extremely different now, than it did months ago, or even weeks ago. I'm not even entirely sure if I can pinpoint exactly what's different. it just IS.

it scares me to think how much I may change in the next year. it's exciting but at the same time petrifying.

I suppose all I can do is trust him to get me through and take care of me.

here we go.

sometimes the past needs to be let out to die.

thought I could deal with the pain

was convinced I could end just as strong

knew that I'd handle the hurt

but, oh boy... I see I was wrong.

I thought you were in deeper than I

I thought you were the one who'd be crushed

and it turns out that life seems to stop

and the air leaves your lungs with a rush.

why did I have to say it?

why did you never care?

why couldn't you man up and leave me,

when you knew that time was up for this pair?

and now here I am,

crying in my bed.

wishing I could run away

to escape all the thoughts in my head.

I wish you'd meant the words you said

I wish I knew they were true

so I wouldn't be sitting here

thinking of life without you.

{written November 2009}

overanalyzation

I have no clue how to get my feelings into words. It's not like anyone reads this anyway so I suppose it doesn't matter. But I still need to get them out so I can hopefully begin to understand them. Yet I don't see how I can understand these feelings... cuz I don't understand much of anything right now. I don't understand why some people react so differently to things than I. I mean, I know we're different. But their responses are such polar opposites of mine.

Sometimes I wish that they could react they way I expect them to, or the way I would. other times I wish I could react the way they do. I guess it just comes straight down to the fact that I'm a perfectionist. I want everything to work out the way I want it to when I want it to. I know what I want, what I expect, and I presume those expectations on myself and others.

Ugh. I hate it when I overanalyze.

We had a good year, now let's have another.

"Take it all down, Christmas is over, Do not despair but rather be glad. We had a good year, now let's have another, remembering all the good times that we had. Oh, no more lights glistening, no more carols to sing, But Christmas, it makes way for spring. The hearts of men are bitter and weathered, as cold as snow that falls from above. But just for one day, we all came together, we showed the whole world that we know how to love. " -Boxing Day, Relient K

January 1st, 2010.
Think of all the blank pages ahead of us. All the amazing memories, and even painful ones. They grow us, help us learn. We may not invite them, or like them when they are happening...but after it's all over, I, for one, am thankful for those times.
Here we come, 2010. Are you ready for this? I know I'm not.
I am honestly scared to death. There is too much that's happened and not resolved itself lately that is carrying over into this year. Yet as much as I wish it weren't, it is. And I will make it. Through the blood of the Lamb, I will overcome. We can do this, with Him.