I'm learning how to trust You more

hopefully, by now anyone reading this knows that I'm a teacher. And, as He has many times before, lately God has been using my students to convict and speak to me. I have this one fifth grader, we'll call her "Lucy" (that is far from her name, which is kinda fun). Lucy, I've come to find out, is rarely pleased with what is given to her. Not that she's ungrateful, it's just a "the grass is greener over there" scenario EVERY TIME she comes in my room. If we are doing group work, she wants to work independently. If we are working independently, she wants to be in a group. If we are learning a new song, she wants to go back to an old familiar one, and if we are reviewing an old song she wants a new, exciting one.
Lately she has been fixated on whether we sit on chairs or the carpet. As a third-year elementary music teacher, I feel like I'm finally finding my sweet spot of when to have students sit in chairs and when to sit on the carpet, what grades do best in what type of seating, etc. Sounds weird, but it takes a long time to figure your students out (turns out humans are complicated, go figure). Anyway, Lucy begs me, every time she enters the room, to sit on the carpet when others are sitting on chairs or vice versa. I have gotten to a point where, when she asks me "Miss Stovall, can I please sit on the carpet?", I just tell her: "Please trust my judgment."

Here's why:
I know Lucy is easily distracted, tends to be disengaged, and as I said she's rarely pleased with what is given to her. I've let her sit separately from the group a few times to test it out, and EVERY time she either disengages from class and is in her own world the whole time, or gets in trouble for distracting other students/talking during instruction. What I've found is that Lucy does best when she sits in the middle of a row of students, doing exactly the same thing everyone else is doing.
And she hates that. She hates having to go along with everyone else (psychologists, help me out here, is it just nonconformity?).
But in order to keep her from getting herself in trouble, to help her better understand my instruction, and to keep the students around her engaged, I have to make Lucy unhappy every Tuesday. She shows up at my door and asks hopefully to sit away from the group. And I tell her, every Tuesday, "Please just trust my judgment."
She doesn't like that answer. Finally this week, she asked me, "What does that mean?" I tried to explain to her that I'm doing what is best for her, even though she doesn't like it.

Are you starting to see where I'm going with this?

A lot of times I get road rage. The one thing that really bugs me is when the car in front of me is going really slowly and I can't get around them, especially if we are in the left lane. And somehow every time I get frustrated by it, something happens farther along down the road that makes me grateful for that slow car- usually a state trooper sitting with his radar gun, occasionally a crazy driver on the road that makes me realize if that slow car hadn't been in front of me, I might have been in the wrong place at the wrong time and been involved in an accident.
Every time, I hear that little, "See?" whisper from God.
"See, don't I know what's best?"

He's doing for me, in the big and little things, what I have to do for my students many times each day- make them unhappy so I can do what's best for them, because I can see it and they can't.
This season of life is one that I'm finding myself trying to just get over with. I want to rush past it and get on with the next, more exciting things. Get past the job that is exhausting and toilsome and has so little physical reward. Get past the dating-for-three-and-a-half-years-and-watching-everyone-else-get-married. Get past the renting a house and having to deal with a landlord that never really fixes anything. Get past the never cooking and always eating unhealthily because I'm so out of energy at the end of the day. Get past the not really feeling plugged into my church because I'm in that weird limbo of not-college-not-singles-not-married.
These things and many others fill my mind each day and make me want to rush forward to what must be greener grass on the other side. Rush forward from behind this slow phase so that I can accelerate down the left lane and enjoy the view.

He may be teaching me to be more engaged and invested in the present, He may be protecting me from trouble or future hurt, He may be simply teaching me to trust. I don't know the purpose. I'm not going to say I don't ask daily "WHY?" because a lot of days, I do. I'm not sure why this season feels so slow and tedious, and I don't know when it will stop feeling this way. But I am beginning to trust His judgment. I am beginning to be a little bit better of a student of His, and trying to accept that He has a wonderful reason why He's leading me this way. If I love my sweet, constantly displeased fifth grader so much, how much more so does God love me and love to do what is good for me and what brings good to me and glory to Him?

If you are with me trying to rev down the left lane and feeling stuck behind the slow car, let's thank God for providing for us in ways we don't see. Let's thank Him for caring enough to make us slow down, stay where we are, and be involved in where we are each day.

"how sweet it is to trust You, Lord
I'm learning how to trust You more.
Oh, I will trust in the name of the Lord my God." -Christy Nockels- Leaning on You, Jesus

---
these thoughts brought to you by the following songs:
This We Know by Vertical Church
Leaning on You, Jesus by Christy Nockels
Jesus, Rock of Ages by Christy Nockels
You Don't Miss a Thing by Amanda Cook
Unpredictable by Francesca Battistelli
King of My Heart by John Mark & Sarah McMillan, sung by Bethel

all the things, part 3- new promises

God woke me up Tuesday morning. I know because I was startled awake and immediately heard in my heart, "Meet Me."
I don't know about you, but I rarely talk to myself in my heart. I talk to myself in my mind, but I would never say to myself "Meet me," you know? I use first person when I talk to myself, but I don't say "me". I've never really thought about that until now, and I'm suddenly getting distracted with the exact term for that, because I know there is one, but I am sadly not a grammar savant and I have no idea what it is.
ANYWAY, He said "Meet Me," and I knew it was Him. And (as much as I wish this were not the case) I am not one of those people who wakes up at 5 AM on my off days to spend hours with God. I would love to get to that point, but for now I am too undisciplined and love sleep too much for that. I can count, probably on one hand, the number of times God has woken me up with the sunrise simply to spend time with Him (though I will say He REGULARLY wakes me up when I oversleep on school days- and can we just go WOW THANK YOU! for that because that's honestly amazing that He cares enough about me and my sweet lil school to wake me up in time to get there, even when I am selfish for more sleep).
Tuesday, I didn't know where to begin. I knew I needed my bible and some paper and a pen. I knew I needed to leave my phone behind. I sat out on the deck by the lake and had no clue what passage to turn to. I'm reading through the Bible with Casey right now, and felt strongly that I didn't need to pick up where he and I had left off. So, "where to?" was my question for several minutes. I pulled out a piece of paper I'd been scribbling on yesterday, flipped it over, and started jotting down thoughts.
The one that kept coming up was "You have only begun to believe Me!"
Again, the "Me" clued me in that this wasn't MY thought.
I suddenly remembered that at the end of the school year, I had started reading Isaiah on my own and never finished, so I flipped to where I'd left that little piece of paper, and found myself in the middle of a chapter. There was a very obvious line on the page where I had stopped reading in the middle of chapter 30 because the top half of the page was underlined several places, and past that there were no markings.
"Are you sure I'm supposed to start in the middle of the chapter?"
"Read."
And here's what I found:

"He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."

There, in the middle of the chapter, I found a passage, or 'word' if you will, that felt so made for me right now. Just two days ago, my Sunday School teacher mentioned this passage and what a beautiful picture of the intimacy of Christ and the Holy Spirit it is. Not only is Christ one with us in our sorrow, but the Holy Spirit whispers guidance to us throughout it! And I hope y'all know how much I love it when a verse comes knocking at my heart over and over again. I love how personal that feels, and if that doesn't prove that the Word is living and active, then I don't know what does.
So even the simple fact that this was the second time I had heard this passage made me dewy-eyed.

And I think I had begun to forget how tender God is/can be. I know that working with the type of students and families I work with each day, it is too easy to feel like God isn't interested in us individually. It's easy to think that He is moving at the nice, mostly-white church across town that has money for cute children's musicals and a food pantry, and that He cares very little for a neighborhood you don't want to be in after dark. I know that is a lie, and that Satan is working hard to keep my eyes shut... but it's easy to feel like that's the way it is.

So many times these past two years, I have called, "Unfair, unfair! How could you let this be, God?" and felt like there was not much of an answer. Doubt and bitterness try to build up in my heart when Satan whispers in the silence after that question- "He must not care. He must be too busy somewhere else. I must be doing this wrong."

Somewhere I missed the part where He is being GRACIOUS to me at the sound of my cry! Not only does He hear it, He feels it. (I am a mess as I type this and realize how much He cares.) He pours grace on it. And IMMEDIATELY, as soon as He hears it, He answers it.
I don't know what that answer is or even what it sounds like, but the simple fact that it has already been uttered is such a relief.

And though my only food may be adversity and my only water may be affliction, He will not hide Himself anymore. He will not seem far off. On the days when I have nothing but tears to offer, He will be there, teaching me. He will be there, to be seen and noticed beside me. He will be there, to whisper guidance in my ear.

In the footnotes of my Bible, this verse is explained by saying, "Isaiah foresees the internalized law of the new covenant and the internal guidance of the Holy Spirit."
Y'all, Jesus wasn't even ALIVE yet, and God gave the word to this prophet that someday, our Teacher would be inside us. We wouldn't have physical stone commandments anymore, we would have His Word and Spirit within us.

As if all this wasn't enough of a promise for the upcoming school year, there is more! In verses 23-26, Isaiah describes many ways in which God will give bountifully.
"He will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous."

He has promised me plenty.

He has promised me growth. 

He has promised me roots. 

He goes on to say there will be lots of livestock that are healthy and keep the land healthy, there will be an abundance of fresh water in the mountains, and "the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun".

He has promised me light. 

In verse 29, He promises a song, and gladness of heart.

He has promised me joy and a song. 

In verse 30, He promises His voice will be heard and His arm will be seen. At the end of the chapter, He promises a fight against evil, and ultimately, victory.

And I love what it says in verse 32, that the Lord will strike his enemies "to the sound of tambourines and lyres." Guys, wouldn't you know that I use tambourines in my classroom regularly? Lyres not so much, since they're an ancient stringed instrument (similar to a harp)... but I find it HILARIOUS that He promised these things thousands of years ago, already knowing that in 2017, a little music teacher in Jackson, Mississippi would just cry her eyes out at the thought of His victory being to the sound of her little babies trying to keep a steady beat with a tambourine. My footnotes also comment that this means: "The role of His people is simply to celebrate."

I don't have to do any fighting or toiling. I can just celebrate the victory He already has!

He has promised me His victory.

Finally, in verse 33, Isaiah states that a "burning place has long been prepared" for his enemies to be destroyed. Once again, my footnotes give an astounding fact here that was the final nail for me, proving that this is the exact word God had specifically for me this morning. This 'burning place' is Topheth, "a location in the Hinnom Valley where Judeans had burned their children in sacrifice," that would ultimately be used to destroy those against God. 

He has promised me justice.

And, guys, I know this is a brutal word I'm about to say. I do not wish harm upon any of God's children, lost or found, but I believe in His justice and His purpose, and this verse makes it clear to me. 

For too long, these parents have been sacrificing their children. 

I wish I had a different way to put that, but I don't. 

This is not to say that every parent in Jackson or at my school is a terrible parent, an enemy of God, etc. What I mean is that our generation in general, and my school specifically, cares so much about making their children 'happy', or making their children 'like' them, or their own personal comfort, that they forsake basic spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical needs. Our parents sacrifice their children's well-being for their personal happiness, whatever that looks like- drugs, sex, money, notoriety, less busyness, etc. 

There are so many things wrong with their priorities, and so many ways their children suffer because of that. I could point fingers all day and list examples for pages on end, but at the bottom of all of that, our struggle is not against these parents. "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." 

I am tired of this generational curse of parents who sacrifice their children. I am so ready for this to be burned away. I am so ready for these demons' and evil spirits' temporary dominion over this neighborhood, this city, this state, this country, this world, to be over. 

And I know God is promising that this year, that victory will continue. People will continue being freed! I may not see it firsthand yet, or ever, but I BELIEVE THAT THE FIGHT IS WON.

When I look at all the things He has said that morning, my first reaction is to draw back a little bit. It seems like too much to believe. It seems like too big a promise.
But I go back to what he said at 5:45 AM- "Child, you have only just BEGUN to believe Me!"
And here He is, offering a huge chance to believe Him and feel a little crazy and giddy for it.

I have these promises as an opportunity to continue believing God, for bigger and crazier things than I've seen yet. Pray with me. Believe with me.

(rewind to all the things, part 1 or part 2)

Scriptures and songs on my heart today:
"You know in your hearts and souls, all of you, that not one word has failed of all the good things that the Lord your God promised concerning you. All have come to pass for you; not one of them has failed." -Joshua 23:14

"Because of Your promise, and according to Your own heart, You have brought about all this greatness, to make Your servant know it." -2 Samuel 7:21

"You will say in that day: 
“I will give thanks to you, O Lord, for though you were angry with me, your anger turned away, that you might comfort me. Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation."
With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day: 
“Give thanks to the Lord, call upon his name, make known his deeds among the peoples, proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth. Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion, for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.” -Isaiah 12

"Pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper- I want to know Your heart, I want to know Your heart.
Your love is so much sweeter than anything I've tasted- I want to know Your heart, I want to know Your heart." -Closer, Amanda Cook

"Your love's not passive, it's never disengaged, it's always present, 
it hangs on every word we say.
Love keeps its promises, it keeps its word, it honors what's sacred, cause its vows are good.
Your love's not broken, it's not insecure, Your love's not selfish, Your love is pure.
You don't give Your heart in pieces.
You don't hide Yourself to tease us." -Pieces, Amanda Cook

"Let the King of my heart be the wind inside my sails, the anchor in the waves, oh He is my song.

Let the King of my heart be the fire inside my veins, the echo of my days, oh He is my song.

You are good, good. You are good, good. 

And You're never gonna let, never gonna let me down." -King of My Heart, John Mark McMillan

"You are who You say You are.

You'll do what You say You'll do.

You'll be who You've always been to us, Jesus. 

Our hope is in You alone.

Our strength in Your mighty Name.

Our peace in the darkest day remains- Jesus.

This we know: we will see the enemy run.

This we know: we will see the victory come.

We hold on to every promise You ever made: Jesus You are unfailing!

...We trust You, we trust You. Your ways are higher than our own." 

-This We Know, Vertical Church

On the first day of school

If the first day of school is any indication how the year will go, this year will be even tougher than year one.
My day started so well- I got to watch the sunrise (and, of course, cry. You would think I would eventually get over it and stop crying at the sunrise but y'all it is my weakness #beccacriesatthesunriseagain), I got to see all my sweet babies again, I got to have my coffee and a good breakfast, and I had an awesome lunch packed. And even while I was at school it wasn't awful. It was during the drive home that it all hit me.
The behavior problems are still behavior problems, they didn't grow up and magically mature over the summer (or move away) like I had hoped. The huge gaps we have in front of us make leaping seem impossible. The whole state is talking about MY school system, MY babies, MY community in the worst way (if you are curious about that, just google JPS audit 2015/16 and I'm sure it will come up).
I found myself wondering if a drastic change is even possible, and then I remembered my morning.

"Your love is all-consuming. YOU NEVER STOP PURSUING. Nothing I can face could take it away, oh Your love!
Your love is like no other, nothing else satisfies! It flows through the deepest waters, it rests on the mountains high. Your love is overwhelming, brought me to life again! Your love, it will last forever, in You there will be no end!"

Why do we accept the darkness of this world as fact? Why do I assume that my kids are stuck the way they are, and drastic positive changes are impossible? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like our margin of growth is doomed to be tiny. I'm sick of hearing people talk about Jackson Public Schools as if it is the bane of Mississippi education's existence.
We have our problems, we have our weaknesses, we have plenty of room for growth. As humans, as a school, as a district, as a state, as a nation.
But why do we just accept that and live with it weighing us down? Why don't we try to grow?
Sure, it hurts like hell. I couldn't talk to anyone for my first hour home from school cause my heart hurt so much. I ugly-cried and hyperventilated for another 30 minutes after that. It's not fun.
But I'm tired of accepting the "now" as "forever", personally and for my students.
His love is big enough to change me, to change us, to change history. If His love is big enough to RESURRECT, literally, then why do we live as though that power doesn't exist? If His love is big enough to RESURRECT, then it can change my heart, and trickle down to my students' hearts. It can change mindsets and lives.
It may take a lot of tears- I'm ready to give that.
It may take a lot of time- I'm less ready to give that, but will do whatever is necessary.
It may take a lot of effort- more than I, selfishly, am prepared to give.

It will take more of me than I would like for it to. But that's teaching. That's love. That's LIFE.

I'm so tired of seeing these happy teacher posts. I'm not often a happy teacher.
If you ask my how my school or job is, I will tell you honestly and enthusiastically- I LOVE MY JOB. every day is a challenge, some days I just go home and cry, but I love it.
Loving it doesn't mean I'm always happy about it or a cheerful giver of time and effort and love. But I'm sure as heck gonna try. I'm not going to give up or walk out because it's "tough". There's too much of that in the world already.

Let's keep trying. Let's be persevering. Let's stop using our tongues to tear one another down, and use them to build each other up. Let's be willing to accept change and try things a new way. Let's not mark anyone off the list of CAPABLE or WORTHY or LOVELY. Let's just give a bit more of ourselves and see what becomes of it. Just grab a little bit of hope and start walking into the day clinging to Him.

“The Lord takes pleasure in those who reverently and worshipfully fear Him, in those who hope in His mercy and loving-kindness.” Psalm‬ ‭147:11‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Yeah, if today is any indication for how the year will go, it will tear my heart out even more than last year did. It will require more of me; it will be tougher than last year, but it will also be more rewarding than last year. I am determined to find and cultivate growth everywhere I can this school year.
It's gonna be a long ride through the darkness, but I bet the sunrise at the end will be spectacular.

the place I know You well

I find You here in a familiar place. A soft, hollowed out piece of metaphorical earth.
Askew on my woolen picnic blanket. Well-worn flip flops. Dimpled thighs. Pages fluttering in the springy evening breeze.

This is a place I know You well.
This is a place I have met You so often.
This is the place I held my broken heart up to You daily, for a time, and hoped You were crafting gold. I wanted you to be blowing glass and planting bulbs and resurrecting dead hopes.
And You did all of that and more.

You always called me Little Bird in those days, and some afternoons spent in that hollowed and hallowed spiritual ground, I swore that if I held my ear to the ground long enough I heard Your heart beat for us. "Lub dub lub dub" became "love Me, love them". It seemed like if I stared at the wind moving the branches until I couldn't see them for the darkness of nightfall, that I could see the whispery hem of Your goodness moving around me. Only the fringes. But I could see them and hear echoes of Your grandness.
...
...

These days I hardly know what to call this season, this place. I guess it's one of those things that doesn't know its own name just yet. But I'm glad my Jesus is personal and close and whispers these little reminiscences to me when I wake in the dark more often than I wake to daylight. I'm glad He carries my heavy heart every day and is moving even in my inability to pick up my cross daily, even in my lack of words to pray.

Anne of Green Gables said, "If I really wanted to pray I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd go out into a great big field all alone or into the deep, deep, woods, and I'd look up into the sky- up, up, up- into that lovely blue sky that looks as if there was no end to its blueness. And then I'd just feel a prayer."
And most days in this season, I feel a lot of prayers. Frequently I even feel them without saying them. Maybe you theologians and superChristians have words on why this is not good or unhealthy- I'd love to hear them. But I'm going to keep on feeling my prayers, at least for now. I believe my God likes to lean his forehead against mine and feel my weights with me and help me breathe and forgive and carry on.

Like today. Today I received three letters of encouragement. THREE! All on the same day. (All from actual people but ultimately from Him. Ultimately yet another "be weak and carry on" because I am not yet good at refraining from relying on my own strength.)
I also witnessed the most gorgeous sunset tonight from my favorite view in Clinton AND
MY SUPER HOT INCREDIBLE LOVING, INTELLIGENT, MAN-AFTER-GOD'S-HEART BOYFRIEND was elected president of his service club at our school (which is kind of huge and I am so elated with him and proud of him so I had to brag!)

Life is dark and heavy most days this season. It's rarely light or simple or free of spiritual warfare. Satan just doesn't like the grace that God is pouring out over me & my sweet little school, honestly. But it is so rich and vibrant and good and I am beyond-words-BLESSED to have Casey and my incredible family and friends and love-letter-writers in my corner. To have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (and what felt like the land of the dying). To be serving a Lord who empathizes and intercedes and whispers. To be able to look into the sunset and know He isn't done with us yet. And maybe one day I will look back on this place as another one where I knew Him well.

and she's back!

greetings, my friends, from the lovely world of "Mith Nobaw". how are things out there?
for MONTHS now, I have been planning on returning to this little internet-canvas of mine and throwing some brightly colored paint on my world... then my laptop died.
so here I've been, holding my thoughts in until an innocent bystander asks how my day is or what I'm doing the next weekend. and then out trickle my observations and convictions and decisions and ponderings, with the force of something much fiercer than a trickle if I'm being honest.
there are many things that have changed semi-drastically since I last mentioned them out here in the blogosphere: I got a new car, I moved into a sweet rental house with my sister, I obtained and began a job as an elementary music teacher in a lovely little school in a heart-wrenching school district, the seester and I got a puppy (he's mostly hers), Casey and I got back together (which happened a while back but I don't think I've mentioned it here), I began and ended work at Bath & Body for the summer, and my Mee-Maw died.
-----> all of that happened in an order very different from how I listed it but who cares.

so life has looked like a lot of things lately:
it's looked like wet hair being slung around on the 7 AM drive to school (leisurely late-morning, compared to Spring semester!)
it's looked like being terrified of/for my achey-breaky old car and thrilled for/over my new one.
it's looked like my first ever panic attack the week before I started school because 1) I loved these babies before I met them and 2) Satan uses that against me.
it's looked like falling asleep at 6 PM because I was working two jobs for a while there-- and I have a whole new respect for anyone who has a full-time job AND another job on top of it.
it's looked like forgetting, for probably the first time in my life, that skin color is an actual thing that affects some people's views of others, and often finding myself having this sudden, shocking realization that I am not, in fact, African-American too.
it's looked like sitting in 'my' house being absolutely mind-blown at how God has worked and provided in just one year.
it's looked like renting five movies from the library at once because that's the max, and watching them all as fast as possible.
it's looked like eating out too much.
it's looked like being really unsure about all the grey areas in my relationship with God.
it's looked like trying to learn how to rest.
it's looked like occasionally hating myself for being so empathetic.
it's looked like getting to hold a loving, bearded face in my hands, and realize that the kind of relationship we have is one of rare vulnerability and depth [and it's wonderful that we get it but so sad that some humans forsake this for their own comfortability] and cry-laughing the happiest tears out of my eyes because Casey Key is a living, breathing, hugging answer to prayer.
{the kind of prayers that aren't happy and pretty and well-formulated. the kind of prayers that contained the occasional curse word and a good bit of yelling and a lot more crying and all kinds of groans from my heart. the kind of prayers that I had never prayed until I suddenly woke up on August 25th, and every morning after that, needing to grab the door handles of God's heart and shake them and scream and pour out bitter tears because He had wrecked me in an awful, beautiful new way that brought about so much dependance.}

and, of course, being a teacher now, it's looked like doing a lot of things that "aren't my job".
Translating as much of his class as I can for a 4th grader who can't speak English "isn't my job".
Teaching a 5th grader to read because no one took the time to when she was younger "isn't my job".
Helping administer pre-testing so that students who need reading intervention can get it early on "isn't my job".
Squatting down to tie the shoes of a 3rd grader who can't tie his own "isn't my job".
But yet... all of those things are my job.

and one day, amidst sharpening a few score pencils, I started pondering. on pencils, and what 'is' and 'isn't' my job.

I'm weird about the kind of pencils I buy for my students. I only buy Ticonderoga #2, even though they cost a bit more, because the lead doesn't break as easily as off-brand or even Dixon pencils. Now Dixon pencils, I swear, were made by Satan himself. Just when you ease them into the sharpener to bring them to perfect sharpness, they come out with the lead at an awkward angle. You touch it with the tip of your forefinger to see if it's sturdy enough to write with, and the lead falls out. So you slide it back in the sharpener, and out it comes: the wood rounded around the end of the lead to the point that it can't be used to write at all anymore.
It's one of the more infuriating things I experience in a given day.


and it makes me think: I don't want to be a Dixon pencil. I don't want to break off when people need me and say "that isn't my job today" or "not feeling like it, sorry." I don't want to be the kind of person that when Christ draws me in to sharpen me, I pull my shell up around me and protect myself to the point that I'm not even a tool worth utilizing anymore.

I want to be the kind of writing utensil that is the worn-out, tried-and-true, tiny little knub of a pencil because it has given every bit of itself being sharpened and used and sharpened and used and broken and sharpened and used. It has loved others by simply making itself available and sharpen-able.

which reminds me.
Someone needs to tell Taylor Swift that love is NOT
"a fragile little flame that could burn out."
On June 2nd I wrote:

I'm learning that love is not 

some "fragile little" thing that I have to keep 

hidden away and protected.

I'm learning that love is fierce and strong

and a weapon for the battle to find

and create joy every moment.

I'm learning that love is gorilla tape that 

binds and corrects and sticks and stays.

I'm learning that love is 

misunderstood by everyone,

most of all me.

I'm learning that love is the heart-wrenching

waiting and staying. It is the

sitting-in-the-silence-and-not-fearing-it.

I'm learning that love can be found 

in absolutely any situation,

circumstance, or emotional ecosystem.

and today I'm adding:

I'm learning that love doesn't ask me for 

anything but my SELF.

I'm learning that love doesn't ask me where I'm going,

it asks me where I am and knows

that I sometimes just need to be held there.

I'm learning that love doesn't ask me

to always be energetic or enthusiastic or positive, 

but simply to be real.

I'm learning that love isn't always painful,

isn't always perceived as beautiful, and 

isn't always noticeable to eyes unfamiliar.

I'm learning that love's motto is just:
"wow. you."


I guess I say all that to say I'd rather be a knobby pencil and Gorilla tape than a Dixon pencil or a Taylor Swift song. and I really want to hear what you're learning, whether it's about love or not, because I want to know if I'm kinda close to the target or if I'm just really far off. share your hearts, friends, I look forward to it.

weblog the first: in which she catches you up and gives up 'busy'.

Where do I even begin after so many days and weeks and months (maybe not that long, but it feels like forever!) of not blogging? I obviously survived spring semester. MEANING I AM ONE SEMESTER AWAY FROM GRADUATION, YEE-HAW!

In the meantime I managed to smash my finals to pieces, get un-hired from the job I have been interviewing for (and planning on) since JANUARY, move home, get re-offered the job, decline the job, go back to work at my old gym teaching mostly preschool classes (my dream come true!), and have an oddly fantastic summer of humdrum and few excitements. Let me be that selfish person no one likes to read from and talk about all my minute life details for a quick minute (if you’d prefer to skip them, please move on to another blog post, heh) :

A best friend got married, another best friend weds in two weeks, and- oh yeah- I started dating someone :D (we’ll get to that in a minute). I went to the beach with friends (first no-adults-present beach trip and it was so lovely and surprisingly contained very little alcohol), and to Atlanta a couple times with my family. My boyfriend (Casey) came to my hometown and hung out for a few days. I saw my best friend off to Peru for a month, my brother off to Ecuador for five weeks, Casey off to camp for two months, and another best friend off to Ecuador for two months. For the first time in years, I didn’t watch fireworks on the Fourth of July. My little brother started dating someone that I actually like. I reinvented my iTunes playlist and committed new songs to my heart. I continued working on my New Years’ Resolutions and stopped biting my nails at one point. Sadly, that didn’t last very long. I worked on my spiritual and mental discipline and became accountability partners with my dear cousin. I wrote lots of letters. I moved into my first apartment with my dear college roomie (the most recent one {oh, and SHE started dating this wonderful guy that is so great for her and I love him so much and he loves her so much and it’s just splendid}). I started counting calories, eating healthily, working out, and cut out cokes. I started growing my hair out and tanning and biking and walking and actually feeling good about myself for the first time in too long. Preschoolers -and Casey’s campers that I don’t even know- stole my heart. I spent a lot of time on Netflix, watching HGTV, reading, drinking coffee, and laughing and crying with my family. I washed my car with my nephew and taught my other nephew to wink (almost). I went to antique malls, bought professional teacher clothes, and went to see movies in the theatre for the first time in months. I poured my heart out to my brother, my best friends, my parents, my boyfriend, my sister… basically I poured my heart out to as many people as I could because it’s good for me and for our relationship. I became obsessed with Hannah Brencher and the moreloveletters.com mission and hope I will be forever. I lapsed into futile, depressing, impure thought patterns and had to be saved (more than once). I held a funeral for one of my heart’s greatest dreams (also getting to that one later). I read a book that changed my life. I haven’t touched a piano in months and it has been superb. I bought a ridiculously soft blanket and fell in love with it. I worked beside adults and kids whose lives are absolutely devastating wrecks and am still working through how to process that, how to love them, how to pray for them, and how to convey how much I care about these people that I really barely know.

ALL THAT AND SO MUCH MORE! It’s been INSANE but in the lovely, un-busy way. 

I’m boycotting busyness this summer, and over my life in general. I'm tired of competing against my friends to see who is busiest, who has "too much going" to hang out, and the like. While I plan on being real about my commitment level (or lack thereof) to social activities, I refuse to use "busy" as an excuse. Maybe "making lesson plans" or "exhausted" will pop up frequently this fall, but I'm also going to be investing in people. Maybe those people are only my students, my colleagues, and my roommate, and I won't be very able to hang out with people that I am not forced to see. But I plan on trying dang hard to make time for people at every opportunity. I'm not using "busyness" as my crutch for being selfish and uninvested anymore.

(click to continue to weblog the second)

why I hate change... er, transitions.

Transitions are one of my least favorite things. I always thought it was change I didn't like, but I'm suddenly realizing it's the transition out of the old and into the new that makes things hard. The hardest part of a piece of music to memorize is the transition- because it bears similarities to things that happened earlier in the piece, but usually shifts tonal centers and introduces a new rhythm or pattern. The toughest part of managing a classroom is transition from different activities smoothly. Apparently I'm not the only one that finds transitions challenging.
And here I am in a season of transition. I'm getting ready to move off-campus (and basically be done with MC forever since I'll only be on campus for student teacher meetings), to hand over my position as Chaplain (and therefore an officer) for KT, to leave my friends and see many of them married off, to begin my life as a teacher, to start a big-kid job, to be done with college life as I know it. It's bittersweet of course, and some days I hate it more than others, but today, the thought frees me.
I can go anywhere. I can be anything.
Those cheesy lines from the Reading Rainbow theme song excite me to no end because I recognize their truth. This step into a new phase, as uncomfortable as it may be, brings me one step closer to my future, to London, to new adventures.
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell. And for once, it might be grand to have someone understand: I want so much more than they've got planned.
Yes, Belle, Yes.
I feel like surely someone in the Bible knew a thing or two about transitions, so I look it up.
Transition, I type into BibleGateway. Nothing.
Change, I try to vague-ify my search term. change of clothes... change of mind... change of name... change of course... change of behavior... change of countenance... change of color... "For I the Lord do not change".
And I stop. He's right, he doesn't change. If God doesn't change, why do we? Is that why transitions are so hard, because they don't exist or happen in God's character? Maybe God doesn't change because He doesn't need to, because He's already perfect.
Therefore, maybe we change because He is changing us to be perfect like Him. He calls us to be His imitators (Eph. 5:1-2). We know He also calls us to shed the things of this world, the old things, and live our lives for Him daily (Luke 9:23, 2 Cor. 5:17, Rom. 12:1-2) in "newness of life". So maybe this sacrifice of self (Gal. 5:20) demands that things change and that transitions, painful as they may be, happen in our life.
That is the byproduct of being refined by His fire (Zech. 13:9), this a little bit (or lotta bit) of pain for being a lot more worthy, valuable, and precious in His sight.

When I consider all this, all the things I have learned about God's heart and will for me, and see transitions that happen naturally in this world-- like the one I am experience now, the transition into adulthood-- I know there is good reason for the toughness and uncomfortability of it. The fact that this is hard to get through and hard to get the hang of and hard to do right makes it that much more valuable when I *do* do something right by Him. As difficult as it is to memorize how to transition and execute it smoothly and then implement that into my life, I know that I have grace waiting for me. I know I have freedom to mess up some and try again, that I have support and Love to help make this transition easier. He doesn't change, He isn't going to transition himself, but He is transitioning with me.
The power of Your love is changing me, Oh Lord. and I am so grateful.

bguyosbgslwlbtg sjk

It's one week until my recital jury, the day that determines whether or not I have my recital (and, in turn, when I graduate). My mind is constantly clogged with thoughts, worries, and music. My heart is overwhelmed with worry and hope. I want so badly to give up, or just be done, but I've come too far to not keep praying and practicing and pushing.
I know the Lord has brought me here at this time for a purpose, and I know He will continue to work in my life whether or not the jury goes well. I also know that my God is bigger than me and my worries and my unbelief- I know He is big enough to get past my own lack of self discipline and faithlessness and instead show me His glory through all this jury & recital preparation. I believe He is able to miraculously show up in my recital jury and give me strength and ability I thought I didn't have. "I believe; help my unbelief!" has become my heart's cry.

He is able. He will never fail.
Nothing is wasted; He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

I'm an emotional wreck and don't know what He's going to do, but I'm boldly and selfishly praying that He is obviously present in my recital jury. That my performance would not just be a performance but would be my spiritual act of worship, and that He would honor that with passing me through my jury and giving me a wonderful recital as well.

Please pray with and for me, especially over the next week.
He gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

Upon the posting of the grades:

I absolutely loathe how easy it is to let numbers define me. For those who, like me, struggle to accept your true identity:
You are more than a number on a scale.
You are more than your GPA.
You are more than the number of hours you spend doing homework or in the practice room.
You are more than the number of followers you have on Twitter.
You are more than the number of likes you got in Instagram.
You are more than the number size given to you by clothing companies.
You are more than the dollars in your bank account.
You are more than any number of things you let limit you.

You are created in the image of God.
You are made to live life abundantly.
You are called to love God, and to love others as you love yourself.

and while we're at it, let's not forget the 'as you love yourself' bit of that.
You don't go around condemning your friends for not getting enough likes on instagram or for not having lost those 10 pounds yet or for letting their GPA drop a little this semester.
STOP CONDEMNING YOURSELF FOR THOSE THINGS.
No one else is.

You're a beautiful, wonderful, living, breathing, child of the Almighty born to imitate Him.
Accept it.
Live like you believe it- even if you have to "fake it till you make it".


**I apologize for the utter cliché-ness of this post. I do, however, mean every word of it in the most genuine sense possible.**

"No man is an island..."

I giggle a little bit in my head as I begin to type this, because I can't shake the mental image of John Donne's statue in St. Paul's Cathedral... that's him, rolled in a sheet like a fancy little literary burrito.

There you go. Giggle a little bit at it before we get into the serious stuff.
Which is this: "No man is an island, entire of itself."
Wise words from Mr. Sheet Burrito, straight out of his poem No Man Is An Island.
If you've never heard this phrase or had the poem explained to you, "lemme splain". We, as humans, are not a bunch of little islands separated by chasms of water and free from affecting each other with our choices. No, we are a part of the main land, a bunch of little clods of dirt and rock and sand smushed together to form what is Humanity. Every action and reaction causes the reactions and affects the actions of the other little clods of dirt around us, in turn rippling out to the rest of humanity.
It's a scary but beautiful thought, that the actions I choose today will affect my friends & family today, and for generations, really.
In my psych class the other day we had several guest speakers talking about their family members who have varying exceptionalities, and how it sometimes makes life more complicated, but overall it's richer and more beautiful and worth the struggle.

and how dare we pity them or attempt to express sympathy for those whose lives are "worse" than ours? I believe empathy is necessary. I believe sympathy is sometimes unnecessary and easily faked.
Wouldn't you rather positively impact the clods of dirt around you than sit there stagnantly, faking your way through?
Live your life! Take advantage of the beauty that surrounds you and fills each day. Choose actions and thoughts that are good, right, true, noble, pure, just, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy! (Phil. 4:8)
Let the pieces of land that are washed away from you affect you. "Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind," he says. Shouldn't the inverse, then, be true as well? Any man's life augments [grows, benefits, supplements, improves] me, because I am involved in mankind! Any man coming to Christ and living abundantly and learning to take the struggles with the easy stuff and appreciate life's lushness because of it makes me a better person because their ripples bounce around in my heart and make me want to do the same thing and live the same way.


No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend's
Or of thine own were:
Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; 
It tolls for thee. 

It's a frightening prospect: that the choices I call tiny are sending out ripples and affecting all those around me. I am not an island, all by my lonesome. I am a small clod of dirt in the kingdom of God.

Upon the completion of the three-year journal:

I think the reason this day is so momentous and impact-ful is because I've kind of forgotten what it's like to start entirely fresh in a new journal. I've been writing in this one for almost 3 1/2 years, man! That's a long time. I'm not sure I know how to handle the newness or the oldness or any of it, so I'm pretending I don't care and attempting to brush it from the forefront of my thoughts.

The single aspect of this that most dizzies me is how little I knew about what life would look like at the end of the journal, as I composed my thoughts for the beginning of the journal. It was January 2010 and I was STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL, dadblamit! (yes, I think I just made up an expletive.)

I knew nothing of the fabulous roommate magic I would experience with Ellie, how I would become best friends with the strange purple-loving lefty across the hall, how I would be welcomed into a family of pink elephants so big-hearted and Jesus-loving that I'd have no choice but to pour back into them, the crazy but awesome things God would do in my family (and the beautiful nephews and sister-in-law He would give me!), or the vast amount of times I would doubt my major and future and He would subtly reassure me of His perfect will.
I didn't know He would lead me to London, to my heart's home. I didn't know He would have me fall in love with a country and people so different and far from my "home". I didn't know He would keep me waiting for love for so long, all the while romancing me in a way I never imagine could come from God. I didn't know He would lead me to teach piano to underprivileged women, or provide me with a rocking coaching job (including a fabulous boss and amazing coworkers), or teach me to find beauty in the ordinary.
YET, He has done all these unexpected things and so much more. He has healed, and restored, and renewed, and redeemed, and forgiven, and tracked down, and wooed, and dug out, and reminded, and promised, and held true, and taught, and listened, and spoken, and yelled, and sat silently, and carried, and provided, and waited, and held, and shocked, and BEEN, and CONTINUED TO BE.
For this, I am unendingly thankful.
My God, My God, you have not forsaken me. You have never left me alone, you have carried me and rocked me to sleep amidst my many millions of tears as you gathered them in your bottle (which, let's talk about that for a minute: your "bottle" of my tears has GOT to be a vat at this point. there were so many, especially in the last year!)
I thank you, I thank you, I thank you.
For all of this. Especially for Your whispers.
Continue this legacy you have now begun, continue burning the flame, continue bringing me to gaze upon the goodness of Your works!

"For YOU are God, and I am not, so give me understanding to know YOUR will, and seek YOUR way. For YOU are God, yes- YOU are God."
"Consuming fire, fan into flame a passion for Your name... Lord, have Your way."
"Give me one pure and holy passion, give me one magnificent obsession, give me one glorious ambition for my life: to know and follow hard after You."
"Make me to know I love You, make me to know I need You, make me to dream of only You."

crazy dayssss

You know those days where you literally feel like you're either going to explode or melt into a sweet little puddle at any moment? The past week and a half has been those days, one after the other, bombarding me. I knew coming into this semester that it would be my toughest one so far, and that I was overcommitted and that it is only by God's grace and provision that I will survive this semester. Quite literally.
Well, today is (I believe) the worst one yet. And I knew coming in how long and exhausting and emotional it would be. The wonderful thing is, God likes to show off. So on those days that I'm so expecting them to be utterly horrible and too busy to even breathe, He showers me with joy and shadows me with Himself and sings over me through the tough stuff. Not that my life is all butterflies and unicorns. Let's be honest: some kid pooped himself at my gymnastics class today and I haven't shaved in over a week. Not to mention my almost-twenty-year-old virgin lips. My life is the weirdest combination of the most eclectic things and memories and people I could ever imagine, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm finally learning to rest in the fact that God made me to be who I am for a specific person. Not just "because He said so" but because there is something that He wants to use ME, specifically ME, to accomplish.


Let's take a minute to marvel over that one and how magnificent He is for using redeemed wretches to do His work.





Up next, let's review a little bit of the things I've committed to for this semester:
Music Major: including...
 -at least 17 055 events
 -17 credit hours=12 classes
 -insurmountable piles of homework
 -14 hours of piano practice per week
 -Women's Chamber
 -handbell choir
 -Ambassadors
KT Chaplain...
 -actually a ton of fun. but I have no idea what the heck I'm doing and I'm just trusting that God does.
Work
 -it's off campus, which has its perks and downfalls. I love being able to get out of the Bubble, even just a little bit, but rushing there and back from music events is not my favorite thing ever.
 -the kids are nutso. granted, it's preparing me for my future as an educator. however, some days I'm just tired and don't want to deal with it and it gives me headaches.


And today. I:
Woke up at 7.
Got ready.
Went & printed off my ACT scores for a class.
Found out at 7:54, when I had an 8 o'clock, that I had a paper due for our 9:25 class.
Hurriedly wrote an awful 1-page paper.
Had class.
Had class again.
Had piano. Talked about playing piano for this famous Russian pianist guy. Worried about that.
Lunch.
Was encouraged to change clothes before performing for The Russian, so I did.
Piano master class with The Russian.
Hurried to work!
Work. The kid who pooped his pants, or at least claimed he did. I didn't deal with it so I'm still fuzzy on that one. Also, my coworker suddenly developed multiple personalities. The funniest/weirdest thing I've seen so far this week.
I got a text from my cousin that I had texted her a bunch of gibberish at some point. That I never sent. again with the weird thing.
Had a private lesson with this sweet little girl who finally ROCKED her cartwheels. I couldn't be more proud.
Came back to school.
Got ready for The Russian's concert tonight, meaning I actually tried to look pretty and felt like I succeeded.
Had dinner. Yay for eating.
Went to The Russian's concert.
Semi-ran to KT meeting.
Gave my first devotional to the whole group. I felt like I kinda flopped it. but God's Word was read and His Word doesn't return void. It accomplishes His will and achieves the purpose for which He sends it.
Got the BeauxTie. (for non-KTers, each week the Beaux pick one sister to bestow love/encouragement/gratitude on) I seriously thought I never would get it, and God just said... Why not. :)


God is the best.
I'm overwhelmed and lacking sleep, but He is so very faithful, so very beautiful, so very WORTH IT.
He's got this.

He makes me...

There's something really special about my car rides. The short ones usually just consist of major jam time (usually including rolled-down windows and the music turned up LOUDLY) and/or a car worship session (worshiping Jesus, not the car... just to clarify). The long ones, like my trips to and from home, are about half-jam/worship, half praying and listening to my Jesus. Sometimes with a little audiobook mixed in.
Well this most recent long car trip I took was my drive back home from school, for Christmas break. and it was going all fantastic and I was semi-avoiding the praying & listening to Jesus bit, because I was being all selfish and enjoying the sunny day and the freedom that my heart was experiencing with every mile closer to home I inched.
And... Do you ever have those moments where God is speaking so loudly into your heart, you just KNOW the next step would be for Him to audibly speak, and that scares you, so you just listen to Him and obey? I feel like that happens to me a lot. A lot of times, I obey Him because I'm scared of what He could do if I didn't pick up on his whispers the first time (awful, but true). But that is not my point.
The point is, I had that moment. So I turned off the music and turned off my whirling thoughts and just waited. Then He told me to pour out my heart, and I did. I ranted about boys and school and friends and work and family and worries and hopes and everything else that was reigning in my thought life lately.
Then, I just shut up.
And He said:

"The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not be in want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul."

Of course, at this point, I had already cried a good bit, and then I just started crying even more because... okay, is it just me, or does it really throw you for a loop when you're being all bratty/selfish/vain/stupid and complaining to God and he just heaps love on you anyway? His grace absolutely destroys me sometimes.
Here I am, pouring my heart out, yes, but most of it was very whiney and complain-ey, when He just says... Hey. I am your shepherd.
I am good at that and I am good to you.
Stop worrying about where you're going and when you're going and how you're getting there.
I'm guiding you.
You don't need to want for anything you don't have because if it's something you need, I'll give it to you when you need it. And if it's something you don't need at all, I'm protecting you from it for good reason. And, sometimes, if it's something you want but don't necessarily need, but it's just frivolous... I give it to you anyway, just to show my love to you in a more tangible way.
Beyond that, Sometimes you just gotta lay down in a meadow.
 Just lay down with me and be beside me.
It's time for you to let me make you do things because I know they're best for you. This is best for you. Lay down beside me and breathe. Look at the sky, listen to the wind, feel the cool ground on your back. Eat and drink My eternal sustenance. Appreciate being with me.
Then, let's walk together by the quiet waters. I want the peacefulness of this place (be it physical or spiritual) to allow you, too, to be still and quiet and just know that I'm God. I'm good. I'm FOR YOU. I WANT TO RESTORE YOU.  And, sadly, I just can't do that when you spend every day holding on to your hurt, pain, regret, and sin. In order to be restored, you must first surrender.
You must first let me be your shepherd, so I can provide for you and lead you to rest, peace, and plenty. 


And it all just blew me away.
How have I never gotten all of that out of Psalm 23 before?
All the "make me"s, reminded me of one of my favorite songs, by Commonground Band, called Make Me. The chorus says, "Make me to know I love You, make me to know I need You, make me to dream of only You, only You, only YOU."
And as much as I try to take control of my life and avoid God's conviction and whatnot... when it comes down to it, that's a lot of what I want in life. Mainly, I want to live my life as an offering to God that glorifies Him alone... Secondly, I just want to learn how to love Him. I know for a FACT that I stink at unconditional love, which is the only love God knows I do believe... So me loving Him in even a SEMI-EQUAL way to how He loves me is clearly impossible. However, I want to try. I want to learn and just attempt to know for a fact that I LOVE him wholeheartedly, that I NEED him unashamedly, and that I dream of Him only.
So much to attempt (the beautiful thing is, I really don't have to 'attempt' anything except the self-sacrifice. everything else comes from Him and straight back to Him.) but He makes it well worth it.
HE MAKES ME WELL WORTH IT.

Let's get down to business...

Where on earth do I even begin? Let's just make a list.
- I miss London. a whole lot, obviously. But I've begun thinking about the logical aspect of moving there and it's really scary. Getting a student/work visa would be hard enough- let along finding a job, a place to live, and making completely new friends. and being away from my family ALL THE TIME. I mean let's be real, I'll probably only see them at Christmas if I live in England. I'm not sure if I'm ok with that.
- This bible study thing. I love Jenelle, and I'm so excited for God to start this exponential multiplication process. But I am so not ready to be a leader of a bible study ANYTIME in the near future, let alone next year. I just feel like I am lacking so much, and so unsure of how to respond to people, and so not a super-spiritual group leader person. Granted, I love Jesus A LOT... but I am super messed up and selfish. I'm just not sure how much of a success that could be. But then I guess I'm underestimating God when it comes down to it, huh?
- My major is consuming my life. It always happens, and I hate and love it at the same time. I love being dedicated to something and working hard for it and being wrapped up in it. But at this point, my major is coming before my relationship with God, which is NOT ok with me. And I really doubt any of my professors care. If it ends up being "finish practicing" or "go have God time," I practice to appease my teachers and get good grades. Which ends up happening. But even when I do get that 4.0 for the semester, 75% of the time, I look back and regret not having spent more time with the Lover of my soul.
- I love my little brother, and girls are messing with him and his friends are being mean and I want to punch someone for him. Nuff said.
- Also, work is tough. I'm wearing thin on my patience and enthusiasm now that I'm really getting to know these kids and it makes for some long, tiring afternoons- for them and me. They aren't progressing near as quickly as I'd hoped they would... and I just don't know what to do. I feel like a failure of a coach most days. My co-workers are good people, but I'm not super close to any of them and they're all like best friends, and it just makes me feel like the continual outsider. blehhh.

I'm an overcommitter. I'm in need of love.
"I'm wanting, needing, guilty, and greedy. Unrighteous, unholy... undo me, undo me!"

Still His unfathomable love and grace holds me together. His joy is my strength each day.

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me. Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away.

Desires

Life lately has been hectic, and without much down time... but well worth the ride. It still continues to blow my mind (and I hope it never ceases to) that God proves so faithful in the little, day-to-day stresses as well as the big, soul-gutting/heart-wrenching messy stuff. Obviously, being such the selfish impish human that I am, I'm not so great at the continual forgiveness and grace that God seems to pour out on every day. It humbles me and amazes me and makes me fall a little more in love with Him. And every time He does those sweet little things, like send a baby deer across my path or have a four-year-old tell me how beautiful I am, I'm brought even lower and realize just how tiny I am in comparison to His greatness and majesty. I love that fact.
The thing that I've really been churning through my mind these past few days is His sovereign will. Honestly there are several things that I selfishly want that I know are not His will. I'm partially grateful that he doesn't give me these desires, because I know they aren't what's best in the long run... However, I'm partially wishing that He would change His mind and make it possible.
Isn't that awful? I kind of feel like a bratty elementary kid admitting that, but it's SO the truth right now. To be really genuine, I would have to come right out and say that I would love for His will for me to be being in London right now. I would love for His will to be me being really awesome at piano instead of struggling to keep up. I would love for His will to be me in a relationship with a fantastic, godly guy. I would love for His will to be me being able to dance without looking like a homeschooled white girl. I would love for His will to be me coming from a ridiculously wealthy family and not having to worry about paying off my credit card and saying no when people ask me to go do fun things with them that I currently can't afford. and much much more.
But really, how would any of that benefit me? It's just selfish desires. And sure, they aren't necessarily BAD things, in fact some of them are really great things. But achieving and receiving those things would most likely only make me want more. Not to mention how self-focused they are.
I often brush it off and blame it on my age and stage of life. I'm ready for my life to begin- the "big" and "important" stuff- I so often forget that life has begun and when I spend it wishing for what I don't have and longing for things I don't need, I'm wasting so much time and potential. I tell myself it's natural, that everyone at this age wants to be the best they can be and make an impact and be known and loved and start a family, blah blah blah. Really, those are just personal excuses for me knowing I'm wasting bits of each day.
Psalm 37:4 is a verse that is often misquoted and overused... but it's come to mean a lot to me over my few years. "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart," it reminds us. One of my favorite Christian speakers, Priscilla Shirer, spoke about this once and it's stuck with me for a long time: 
This verse doesn't necessarily mean God will FULFILL your heart's desires. Although He does do that when your heart is in line with His, it's more of a promise that if you're truly DELIGHTING yourself in Him and reveling in His grace and love and seeking His face each day, He will GIVE YOU desires FOR your heart. He will place HIS desires in your heart in mind, and plant them there, so that they BECOME your heart's desires.
God, tune my heart. I'm flat and raspy and need your lovely music back, singing in my heart. Help me to seek your face, not just your hands. Thank you for giving me so many desires for my heart that are straight from Your heart. Please swell those up and shrink my selfish ones away. Fulfill Your righteous desires within me and squelch my own depraved wishes. Keep humbling me with your awesomeness and wooing me with Your subtle ways. May my heart beat to praise You and sing Your name alone!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFxVfAZj5Q0

glorious days

So I decided a few weeks ago, after reading Meg's blog about the sabbath, and seeing her talk about wanting to continue really RESTING on the Sabbath once she returned to MC, that Sunday would be my true Sabbath and I would learn to just REST in Him. Last sunday was a kinda boring one, cause there was no homework to be done or anything to begin with. But today was a complete success.
Friday I spent a good bit of time getting little stuff done like laundry, dropping by career services, friend dates, etc. I started homework but didn't get a lot done until Saturday morning, then ran some errands on Saturday that I'd been meaning to do, and I got to spend some awesome bonding time with a couple KT sisters, so I felt like yesterday was extremely successful as well. But today I decided not to stress over homework, and tried to avoid it totally. I had a LOVELY morning with my dear Kendall-twin at church, non-sunday-school (funny story... we went to sunday school and they didn't have it. so we got coffee and left), lunch, and some great dorm bonding time as well. That led to some movie-watching and a glorious nap, and a car worship date with my wonderful Meg-twin...
On the car-worship date I came so close to happy tears a couple times. As we were driving, it began sprinkling on the road ahead of us, and all the sudden there was a portion of a rainbow... then half a rainbow... then the whole semicircle of a rainbow! I've never really seen the actual base of a rainbow, like where it originates- and we saw not only the base of one side but the base of BOTH SIDES! I don't understand rainbows really well (I'm not meteorologist, that's for sure), but I know they're a promise of God's unending faithfulness to His promises. As long as rainbows are showing up, God is still enthroned on High, working in our lives, and protecting us from being utterly destroyed. At that moment, when I was jamming with Megan to "How I Love You" by Christy Nockels, and being so dramatically reminded of God's faithfulness to His great, beneficial promises to me (2. Cor. 1:20), I was overcome with His goodness. As if earlier in the day at church, and with Kendall, I hadn't been reminded enough of how amazingly GOOD He is... I was flooded with that reminder yet again. And again and again, as the car worshipping and talking about God-stuff carried on.
I returned to my room to some much-needed conversation and bonding time with the new roomie, which was absolutely superb. Finally, after being super relax-ey for way too long and feeling the need to be productive again, I did some calm homework... and can I just say this Sabbath thing is AWESOME?! I love this. I'm doing this for the rest of my liiiiifeeeee. Why did it take me until just now to realize that sometimes, God wants me to literally just BE STILL before Him and know he is God, he is good, and He is totally in control of my circumstances.... and the world. I love that.
God, thanks for being so close to me today. Thanks for drawing me into your arms and just loving on me in these odd ways that mean so much. Thank you for the friends you've provided me to celebrate You with, and for the lessons (big and small) you're teaching me each day. Order my steps with your word. Be my strength and my song. Help me to not be afraid but simply trust Your will each moment. Oh, how I love You!

the real me, wedding vows, and other long, drawn-out things occupying my mind

there is so much whirling through my head right now, there is no telling what direction this blog will go. ready? set? go.
1- there is this song that randomly popped into my head tonight, The Real Me by Natalie Grant. She wrote it when she was overcoming bulimia. Honestly, I've never dealt with a straight-up eating disorder (by the grace of God!) but the whole self-confidence thing is a consistent issue, as well as body image. and can I just say that Natalie Grant's lyrics hit me where it hurts so good? Ya know what I mean? It's like finally stretching that muscle back out that's been cramping all day. It hurts but you know it's making it better. Yeah, that. Let me share, please...

The Real Me- Natalie Grant 

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?
[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

(Chorus)

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

(Chorus)

just whoa. do you see it, too? He sees wonder and beauty when He looks at us. He sees His masterpiece that is made exactly how he wanted it- flaws and all. Perfect, under the blood of the Lamb. And he takes the ripped up pieces of us that we leave behind, and when we finally come to the breaking point and turn back to Him and beg for redemption, He brings out this glorious quilt he's been making. Isn't is always the old, worn ones that are the warmest and most comfortable anyway? Beauty from ashes. Strength from pain. A quilt from worn-out scraps. How fantastic an image! 

2- wedding vows. for some reason there have been a lot of proposals and engagements and weddings and wedding photos lately. so on my nightly walk over to Aven to practice/study, I was pondering these things, and the difference in men & women, and the spaghetti/waffle brain thing (women are spaghetti- all attached and all over the place, men are waffles- all segmented and some are just empty). And for some reason I started thinking about wedding vows, specifically the part about "having and holding" from your traditional vows. "To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do us part" And I dunno, maybe it's just my weird, convoluted way of thinking, but I realized that maybe that half of each of these is for each spouse. To have- for the women (what girl doesn't want to just HAVE someone who is there for her and loves her as-is?) To hold- for the men (Since they tend to be more physically driven than women... or whatever). To love- men ("Husbands, love your wives...") to cherish- women (cherish= care for someone lovingly... your typical 50's housewife kinda deal). In sickness- men (I know everyone wants to be taken care of when sick, but with girls, it's a MUST. guys, DO THIS.) and in health- women (... it's like the wife takes pride in her husband's strength, health, and ability to keep a job & provide for his family). Forever.

ok, I hope that makes sense because I will now stop expounding and stovallogizing.

3- finals. are. killing. me. I am being swallowed whole by this music major lifestyle. and while I love it, I'm not willing to give my whole self to it/ sell my soul. so in this respect, I am SO looking forward to the London semester... it's greatly needed. in my head now: ars nova. ars cantus mensurabilis. prolation- imperfect/perfect. Boethius. aulos. cantus. canticle. Kyrie, Gloria, Credo, Santus, Agnus Dei. trope. Winchester Troper. Squarcialupi Codex. Landini. Hildegard of Bingen (1094 C.E.), Ordo Virtutum. musica enchiriadis. and more (thanks for letting me get that out, I felt like my head was literally about to explode). 

4- also: MENC Christmas party. ambassadors Christmas party. all this stupid commercialized, marketed Christmas stuff. Jesus is all that matters, y'all. for real. 

5- I'm not alone in that girlish wish of a relationship->marriage->family->babies, right? because right now, I just want to know God has that in my future. which, honestly, that wish changes from day to day/hour to hour. sometimes I just want to live a life of celibacy as an Italian version of Mother Theresa (India is too dirty for me to handle...). basically, I just want to know WHAT God has in my future. which reminds me:

EXPERIENCING GOD. READ IT. I am now, and it's completely revolutionizing my thought process and relationship with God. and as it SO well-addressed this topic the other night...

"'What is God's will for my life?' is not the best question to ask. I think the right question is simply, 'What is God's will?' Once I know God's will, then I can adjust my life to Him and His purposes. In other words, what is it that God is purposing where I am? Once I know what God is doing, then I know what I need to do. The focus needs to be on God and His purposes, NOT MY LIFE! ...The Plan He has for your life is based on what He is doing in His world. He has a great purpose in mind for all humankind throughout all time. His desire is for you to become involved in what He is doing. Finding out what He is doing helps you know what He wants you to do through you." (emphasis mine)

and on that humbling and thought-and-prayer-provoking note, I will bid thee adieu. 

sleep well, sweet readers.