I am not supposed to be here.

honestly, I'm not sure if I can endure another month and a half here. here, physically... here, emotionally... and of course here, spiritually. what is up with my life? this is the weirdest feeling.
for the first time EVER, in my eighteen plus years of life, I'm uncomfortable in my hometown. home is great, don't get me wrong. I love being home, as in being with my family. but even my room is different and weird. and I hate it. I hate feeling like a visitor in my own home, in the town I've grown up in for the past 12 years. I hate feeling like my closest friends here don't even know me as well as my "good" friends at school. sadly, aside from my family, there is one relationship that hasn't changed for the worse... and I kinda feel like God let it remain because he knew I'd need my best friend this summer. 
everywhere I go, whether it's walmart, or my job, or (sadly) my home church, I can't shake that feeling that I'm out of place. and as bad of a feeling as that is, I don't want to change it. I don't want to sink back into the small-expectations-lifestyle I got so good at maintaining while I lived here. but I just don't want to be here. I'm ready to go back to MC today. Not a joke, I would stay up all night packing my stuff and be ready to move in if the dorms were opening this weekend. 
I keep talking about this with my parents, because it's such an odd, new thing for me. apparently it's normal, when you go off to college, to detach from your life before... but it seems like I'm the only one of my peers that has. then again, I'm the only one that went out of state. 
.....my eyes are hot with tears and I find it hard to breathe. I don't want to count how many times in the past week I've cried over how much I miss MC. I hate summer. I hate being away from everyone, from my "home away from home" and from the church that now feels so much more like home. I just want to go back. I don't understand the purpose of this awkward, uncomfortable, weirdly un-stressfull and uneventful summer. 
I don't understand my life, period, right now. I don't see, hear, or feel God moving. I feel lost and somehow complacent. I feel like I'm in that stage of the nightmare where I can hear what's going on around me and realize that all this is just a dream, but can't wake myself up.
wake me up, God.
I'm lost without you.