conviction, minute-by-minute

pride. 
the funny thing about it is that it can consume your life with you barely even realizing it. like it has mine for who knows how long. I mean, I realized that I had moments of pride. but, sadly, not until this week did I realize just how much I was living in pridefulness. Sunday at college sunday school, we talked about different types of pride and how they affect your life, and how to overcome various types of pride. at first I was sure that none of these would apply to me. but the first kind, self-protective pride, hit me where it hurts. it equals not being vulnerable to others, extremely defensive and easily offended, scared to let others in, can't let yourself be seen as imperfect. (GUILTY, on all counts.) then there's unapproachable pride, which cannot be corrected, reproved, or even confronted, and doesn't like constructive criticism (again, guilty). The kind of pride that I realized I've been wallowing in is know-it-all pride: boasting of talents and gifts, doesn't trust others to get the job done correctly, always has the answers, always one-upping, deceived into thinking no one can teach them. (uh, OUCH.) there's also self-exlating pride... feels the need to be center of attention, loves others' attention & pouting when not receiving it, and constantly bragging about achievements. (you'd think the conviction would stop there, but there's more.)  the last type we talked about was un-submissive pride, which won't submit to authority, hates being told what to do, and refuses to respect authority that God has instituted. 


each various type of pride I heard described seemed to define my life lately, and described the things that have been most irking me with my friends. C.S. Lewis put it SO well: "It was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.
Does this seem to you exaggerated? If so, think it over. I pointed out a moment ago that the more pride one had, the more one disliked pride in others. In fact, if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, 'How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronise me, or show off?' The point is that each person's pride is in competition with every one else's pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party that I am so annoyed at someone else being the big noise. Two of a trade never agree. Now what you want to get clear is that Pride is essentially competitive - is competitive by its very nature - while the other vices are competitive only, so to speak, by accident. Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone. That is why I say that Pride is essentially competitive in a way the other vices are not."

how true it is that the more abundant pride is in my life, the more I notice it and am bothered by it in others' lives. 
obviously, God humbled me a lot Sunday, and continues to. I've become so acutely aware of how proud I am lately. which is good, I guess, and means God is changing me. but I don't like my faults being so visible and flagrant. (agh, more pride right there. will it ever end?)
there is only one way to overcome pride, I learned. and that is MEEKNESS. asking God to give me a teachable spirit and that I may learn to ask advice of others and not think of myself as higher, better, smarter, prettier, more musical, or more spiritual, than they. seeing how far I have to go before I overcome my pride leaves a rather dismal outcome, but the exciting thing is: God used a talking donkey, a murderer, a prostitute, a baby, and a fisherman to carry out His Will before. He uses people no matter their place in life or willingness level or "righteousness level". How much then can he use me although I am stubborn, proud, and doubting? Hallelujah. He is so good.
The best thing is that I cannot humble myself and rid myself of pride (wouldn't that just breed more pride, anyway?) Only God can rid me of it. All *I* can do is yield my life to His molding hand and allow him to clean me of pride and humble me. 
God, I know I'm inviting who-knows-what-kind of problems and trials by saying what I'm about to say, but: HUMBLE ME. I want to be molded and changed. I want you to free me from this pride and arrogance that is so prevalent in my life. I yield my heart to you: change me and help me to sow meekness and humility in my life.