thoughts of Him that well up in my heart:

I'm really good at overthinking, which you probably already know.
This means that there are continually about 4 or 5 intersecting thoughts in my head, it seems. It's usually a lot of lists and trailing thoughts leading to related topics and such.
Today, I can't help but think of a list of all the reasons that I just love my Jesus, so here it goes:

I love his smiling eyes. I've never seen them, but I feel them a lot, and they're probably the happiest eyes I know.

I love his silliness. Sometimes I can hear Him in my heart just giggling at me (I use "giggling" here not to detract from his manliness, but because I truly believe He can giggle, because I can, and I was made like Him) when I do silly things or have whimsical moments. I think when I run through the rain splashing in puddles, or jump off ledges pretending to flap my wings and fly, that he giggles at me and shakes his head a little and says, "I just love her."

I love his strength. It doesn't run out. It is tender enough to create a child, and powerful enough to devastate entire countries. It is patient enough to work in me slowly, and perfect enough to work best in my weakness.

I love how easygoing he is. There is no such thing as awkward conversations with us. I can tell him anything, rest in Him, sing to Him, yell at him, and just sit there with him and talk without want of conversation topics, for my words come from the overflow of my heart, and He knows my heart so well, and loves me despite its mess.

I love how compassionate and loving he is. His love for the world, for sinners, and for His children is humbling and captivating and breathtaking. It serves as a constant reminder and conviction for me to love others more fully than I think myself capable, more humbly than I find myself able, and more selflessly than is comfortable for me.

I love how consuming he is. When he shows up, everything that is touched by his presence is changed. It's truly intoxicating to be near him, because of his fervor and zeal for the glory of God and the salvation of sinners. We literally could not live if we were to experience Him fully, because his nature is to consume everything that comes near him, so we live life experiencing snippets of his goodness and glory. It's awe-inspiring.

I love his reprimands. They are often painful, yes, but I know that he is good to those who trust him and whose hearts are His. His hands not only injure and wound, but they also bind up and heal. His ability to break things, and rebuild that which is better and eternal is marvelous.

I love his magnificence. His beauty, excellence, and extravagance are unending, and, opposite from the things of this world, only become stronger and more detailed with time and closeness.

I love his relevance. Not only has he experienced what human life is truly like, but he has also experienced what spiritual life is truly like. He understands 100% of everything I see, hear, do, feel, need, want, etc. He has been in existence forever. He is moving and teaching and being faithful today. He will be all of that, forever. How much more relevant and relatable does it get?

I love his grasp. I love that he holds fast to me when I try to wrest my hand from his grip. I love that his hands are small enough to hold mine and big enough to hold the world. I love that he gave us hands, like his, so that we would know what it means to be held.

I love how unfathomable he is. It's nothing short of phenomenal that He chooses to use weaklings like me on a daily basis to do His awesome deeds. It doesn't make sense. It is odd, illogical, nonsensical, and terrifying. But the fact that it just IS that, and He just DOES and IS everything gives me the peace to rest in the fact that I can't understand it or explain it. If my 'god' were big enough for me to explain, comprehend, or "get", I don't think he would be a god worth serving or a god strong enough to save.

I love his whispers. I've always been a fan of the gentle, intimate nature of whispers and the fact that God is the author of whispers is probably one of my favorite facts about him. The fact that His whispers are meant to be shouted from rooftops (Matt. 10:27, Luke 12:3) is even better. I love how so much of the things he says come about as small intimations and are uttered by a still, small voice.

I love that he accepts my "love". I still don't know how to love fully. I still don't understand or comprehend unconditional love. I still love conditionally, and often times give less than I have.
I love that in spite of my selfishness and inability to fully love, he continues to teach me love by being love to me. He continues to accept the little bits of myself that I have left to give him, and fills me so full of his love that it slowly adds on to my own ability to love him and others.

These are pieces of what He's been doing in my heart. These are miniscule, humanly-expressed versions of the true Him that I've been experiencing. and I love it, and the deep wells of Him it's producing in me.

Whatever He's doing...

The main problem I have with summer is that there's too much time. Granted, it's very welcome for the first 5-8 days after school gets out and I can sleep as much as I want.
Then, I realize how infrequently I'm seeking Christ and loving others and doing profitable things. Most summers, I spend my time working, reading, and watching LOTS of Netflix and Hulu. It's quite embarrassing.
I'm one of those odd people who works best under pressure and needs to have a lot to do in order to be motivated in the least bit. Summer doesn't exactly foster a great atmosphere for me getting stuff done, in that case. I was/am hoping this summer would be different from the last two, since I was at home and working at X-Cel for those, and this one I will be spending in Clinton. I've got summer school to keep me a little bit more motivated, but let's be real: these two non-music classes I'm taking are ridiculously easy. So really the only "hard" part of summer school is the piano & voice lessons part, which only requires patience and much practice. Bearable.
I'm still working at the gym, though it's only one day a week, and will be spending every Sunday in Vicksburg as I work with a church preschool department. This basically means my Sundays and Mondays are extremely busy, and the others days are freckled with beckoning of homework, practice time, people to invest in, and general life-ey things.
That's way too much free time.
I've tried to spend it wisely so far, and I'll give myself a C+ on that work. I have spent a lot of time with friends, talking about life and Jesus and crazy things He's doing- which I treasure and don't regret a microsecond of. I've been reading more, of which I am also glad. But A LOT of time has been spent on facebook, twitter, instagram, netflix, hulu, pinterest, etc. Little time has been spent practicing and studying and doing what I'm staying in town for (SUMMER SCHOOL.)
All of this free time is spent not only sleeping too much and being a couch potato, but most of my waking hours involve over-thinking everything.
My voice teacher told me to practice more so she must be disappointed in me and hate me and think I'm an awful person.
My piano teacher made me play this piece with hands separately, he probably thinks I'm awful at piano and wonders why I'm a music major and just hasn't said anything to me.
A friend said she didn't want to hang out today, I bet she thinks I'm being annoying.
And so on. It mostly just gets worse from there.

I'm telling you, I'm possibly the worst over-thinker in the world.

Sometimes, though, it produces good things.
The other day I was at work and no one showed up for the class, so I had about 20 minutes before I needed to be back. My coworkers invited me to go grab something to drink with them, and I politely and awkwardly declined and headed to the local nature center. I walked out a path to the butterfly garden and sat on a sunny bench and just listened to the world around me, for once. The dragonflies buzzed about hurriedly and set a nice little percussion-ey background for the songs of the birds and whispers of the trees and rustling of the grass. It was all quite poetic a scene, and brought an insanely pensive mood to my heart. So, I sat there and pondered.
How little I know my coworkers. How awkward I feel around them. How awkward I feel around my teachers. How little I know them. How little I know my classmates. How little I know my friends...
And suddenly it's like the thoughts had grown into full-bodied people, and were now inches away from my face saying "You spend your time so selfishly that you invest very little in others and therefore know nothing about them."
It hurt my heart to realize this, and I can only assume that must have been God, because I wasn't hurt that they hadn't taken time to be my friend and share their heart with me, but I was hurt because I suddenly realized all the time I'd spent with them was just pure selfishness. I had done it because I wanted to feel good or look good to them or tell them something "important". It was never because I wanted to know their heart or learn to love them humbly and truthfully.

It hurt my heart to see the hours I could've spent comforting and serving and encouraging had been wasted.

So, since that over-analyzation Tuesday, I've been thinking and praying about ways I can be more intentional and invested in those around me- whether I call them "friend" yet or not. They are all worthy of love and fellowship and friendship and deserve more than the apathetic listening-to-answer time I give them.
I've already had genuine FRIEND time with three people since then, and have made plans with four more for over the next four days. I'm discovering I like life a lot better when it isn't focused on me. It's so much more enjoyable and bearable when I'm not constantly worrying about MY looks or MY words or what people think about ME. This is not to say it's easy. It's humbling, and huge blow to my pride, and has required some apologies already. But already I am freer and more content with life (I guess Jesus knew what He was talking about when he instructed me to throw off my burdens and take up his yoke. It really is light. {Matt. 11:28-30})
I like the chaos that His will is comprised of. It truly is something unlike earthly chaos, because there's a peace within it. Sure, it's scary not knowing what He's doing with my life. But I know who He is and the great ways He works, and THAT I look foward to.

"It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

To Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out"

beachy thoughts

Normal people on the beach: ahhh, yes. Sand & sun & surf! Yay swimsuits, saltwater, and sweaty-sunscreeny-ness. Let's stay here forever.
Me on the beach: Um, tank top & shorts, anyone? Okay cool, I walked in the sand and let the water tickle my toes. Back to the room to read and blog please.

But really.
For as long as I can remember, and I'm pretty sure FOREVER, our family has not been the beach kind of family. We're mountains people. In fact, for most of my elementary/middle school/high school years, we simply didn't go to the beach on vacation. Occasionally Dad would have to come down for a business trip over a few days and we'd join him, but we mostly thought it was awesome because of continental breakfasts and lazy rivers in the swanky hotels his employers booked.
Our "real" family vacations consisted of mountains and waterfalls and tubing down snake-infested rivers (okay, maybe not snake-infested, but water moccasins are in basically every river I think). Think tent camping (occasionally log cabins instead, if we were feeling particularly un-adventurous), grilling over a fire pit, visiting historical landmarks and nature centers, hunting down animal prints, and learning about the local plant life. We were basically our own little 4-H unit or boy scout troop.
Needless to say, as I got older and started going on youth camps to the beach and hitting up weekend beach getaways with college friends, I felt less than attached to the ways of the beach- cause let's face it, there is a totally different way of life required at the beach- and liked it occasionally but wasn't crazy about it.
Obviously still true. We're here, at a beautiful beach in a nice family-oriented town on a gorgeous sunny-yet-breezy day, and I'm sitting on the shady porch of our hotel room blogging. And really not missing out on anything.
I think I dislike the beach because it makes me feel shallow. Sure, it's beautiful, and I still marvel at how God made the ocean and controls the tides and all that- it's really awesome. But the beach is about one thing: swimsuits. Whether you're actually in the ocean playing around or skimboarding or laying out or playing volleyball, you're wearing a swimsuit. I mean geez, most people wear swimsuits 24/7 around here. That, plus the fact that I HATE SWIMSUITS, equals bad.
I'm constantly thinking about how I look- how pale I am, how huge my thunder thighs are, how my tummy pooches, how I'll never look good in a bikini so instead I hide behind my very modest tankini... The beach makes me constantly think about ME and how *I* look and what people are probably thinking when they see ME. Sure, I could probably guard against it, but it's pretty natural I think. When I'm not being careful to keep my mind off of earthly things and focused on the eternal, I naturally lapse into the shallow-minded ways that are so much more prominent for me at the beach.
I don't mean to blame it all on other things- the real issue here is that I am sinful and my mind is hard to control. I guess I'm saying all this to point out how quickly my mind progresses from "my skin is pale" to "I'm pasty white" to "I'm so ugly" to "how do I even have friends?" to "no one will ever love me" to a gigantic pity party. It seriously takes about .835 seconds.
The one thing I find to be my fortress in the midst of this is His name. Sometimes, my mind is so caught up in all the grossness that I can't even pull myself out of it enough to transition my thoughts, and all I can think is "Jesus, help me." I still don't understand it, but there's something about his name that changes things. It floods my fluttery, worried heart with an odd sense of security and confidence.
Cause let's be real- how many of those super-tan, super-attractive-in-a-swimsuit people have what I have? It's sad that they don't have it, but knowing that I have a relationship with THE GOD makes up for all that.
This morning, I keep thinking about that Superchick song (the one that EVERYONE knows)- One Girl Revolution.
"If all you see is how I look, you miss the superchick within, and I christen you 'Titanic'- underestimate and swim.
I'll be everything that I want to be. I am confidence in insecurity. I am the voice yet waiting to be heard. I'll shoot the shot (BANG!) that you hear 'round the world, cause I'm a one-girl revolution."
It sounds kinda crazy, the "confidence in insecurity" part, but I think it means 2 things: finding confidence in the fact that you are insecure sometimes and are okay with it, and confidence in the midst of insecurity because of His love. I love the idea of both of these things, because it means that somewhere within me there lies the ability for me to be confident. That's nice to know, and somehow (eerily) boosts my confidence.

All that may not have made sense (it usually seems not to). I apologize for that, and how many parenthetical remarks I made in this post (I really love my parentheses!). I guess my only summational comment is this: through it all, He is here. that's the Glory of It All.

The Summer of Taylor

I'll forewarn you: this blog post is not half as deep or thought-provoked as most of my other blog posts are, so if you're not a huge T-Swizzle fan or are here to read something interesting or philosophical, ye may as well leave, lassie. 
I hope you read that last phrase in a convincing Scottish accent. If not, go back and do it again, just for kicks.
:)

So, my friend Wesley and I have recently decided that this is the Summer of Taylor. Meaning that somehow, suddenly, wonderfully, Taylor Swift lyrics and music seem to adequately fit our lives or moods. Because of this, I've found myself almost meditating on her lyrics sometimes (don't even get me started on how it frustrates me that it's so easy for me to meditate on secular lyrics and I can't seem to et the Word of God stuck in my head enough to meditate on it. Stupid Satan.)

The outcome of that fact is this: T-Swiz lyrics that I really like or fit my life or fit my mood or I find entertaining. 
Ready. Set. GO:

"We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. It's miserable and magical." -22
"I don't know why, but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless." -Fearless
"And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid. I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause he never did." -Begin Again
"And the cynics were outraged, screaming 'This is absurd!' cause for a moment, a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world." -Long Live
"You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess... Today was a fairytale." -Today Was a Fairytale
"Sophistication isn't what you wear or who you know, or pushing people down to get you where you wanna go. But they wouldn't teach you that in prep school, so it's up to me, but no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity." -Better Than Revenge
"You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray, and I stood there loving you and wished them all away." -Cold As You
"I'm wonderstuck, dancing around all alone. I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you." -Enchanted
"Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all too well." -All Too Well
"Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress, we had this big wide city all to ourselves." -Holy Ground
"Someday, I'll be living in a big ol' city, and all you're ever gonna be is mean." -Mean
"I hope sometimes you wonder about me." -I Almost Do
"Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago, I was in your sights, you got me alone, you found me... I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that." -I Knew You Were Trouble
"Everything I need is right here by my side, and I know everything about you, I don't wanna live without you." -I'm Only Me When I'm With You
"I go back to December all the time." -Back to December
"All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss." -Last Kiss
"Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?" -Innocent
"She can't see the way your eyes light up when you smile." -Invisible
"They tell you that you're lucky, but you're so confused, cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used." -The Lucky One
"I'll be eighty-seven, you'll be eighty-nine. I'll still look at you like the stars that shine in the sky, oh my my my." -Mary's Song
"When all you wanted was to be wanted... wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now." -Fifteen
"You are the best thing that's ever been mine." -Mine
"Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room. Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home. Remember the footsteps, remember the words said, and all your little brother's favorite songs. I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone." -Never Grow Up
"If this was a movie, you'd be here by now." -If This Was A Movie
"I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around, my faith in you was fading." -Love Story
"She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts... Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you? Been here all along, so why can't you see you belong with me?" -You Belong With Me
"When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think my favorite song, the one we danced to all night long." -Tim McGraw
"All I know is you held the door. You'll be mine and I'll be yours. All I know since yesterday is everything has changed." -Everything Has Changed
"You're beautiful, every little piece love, and you're really gonna be someone, ask anyone." -Stay Beautiful
"I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye and we caught on to something." -Forever & Always
"Well, I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car. He's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel, the other on my heart." -Our Song
"I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly, and people would say we're the lucky ones." -The Story of Us
"Don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine, and life makes love look hard." -Ours
"This is the last time I'm asking you this: put my name at the top of your list." -The Last Time
"I was a dreamer before you went and let me down, now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around." -White Horse
"The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name- it's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change." -Hey Stephen
"You're the kinda reckless that should send me running, but I kinda know it won't get that far." -Sparks Fly
"He tells me about his night and I count the colors in his eyes." -I'd Lie
"Ooh, ooh, we could get married, have ten kids and teach them how to dream." -Starlight
"Forgetting him is like trying to know somebody you've never met." -Red
"This is the golden age of something good and right and real. And I never saw you coming." -State of Grace
"You took the time to memorize me, my fears, my hopes and dreams, I just like hanging out with you all the time. All those times that you didn't leave, it's been occurring to me I'd like to hang out with you for my whole life." -Stay, Stay, Stay
"I'm really gonna miss you picking fights, and me falling for it screaming that I'm right." -We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
"I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand. This slope is dangerous, this path is reckless... but I like it. I can't decide if it's a choice, getting swept away. I hear the sound of my own voice asking you to stay." -Treacherous


#SummerofTaylor

Upon the completion of the three-year journal:

I think the reason this day is so momentous and impact-ful is because I've kind of forgotten what it's like to start entirely fresh in a new journal. I've been writing in this one for almost 3 1/2 years, man! That's a long time. I'm not sure I know how to handle the newness or the oldness or any of it, so I'm pretending I don't care and attempting to brush it from the forefront of my thoughts.

The single aspect of this that most dizzies me is how little I knew about what life would look like at the end of the journal, as I composed my thoughts for the beginning of the journal. It was January 2010 and I was STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL, dadblamit! (yes, I think I just made up an expletive.)

I knew nothing of the fabulous roommate magic I would experience with Ellie, how I would become best friends with the strange purple-loving lefty across the hall, how I would be welcomed into a family of pink elephants so big-hearted and Jesus-loving that I'd have no choice but to pour back into them, the crazy but awesome things God would do in my family (and the beautiful nephews and sister-in-law He would give me!), or the vast amount of times I would doubt my major and future and He would subtly reassure me of His perfect will.
I didn't know He would lead me to London, to my heart's home. I didn't know He would have me fall in love with a country and people so different and far from my "home". I didn't know He would keep me waiting for love for so long, all the while romancing me in a way I never imagine could come from God. I didn't know He would lead me to teach piano to underprivileged women, or provide me with a rocking coaching job (including a fabulous boss and amazing coworkers), or teach me to find beauty in the ordinary.
YET, He has done all these unexpected things and so much more. He has healed, and restored, and renewed, and redeemed, and forgiven, and tracked down, and wooed, and dug out, and reminded, and promised, and held true, and taught, and listened, and spoken, and yelled, and sat silently, and carried, and provided, and waited, and held, and shocked, and BEEN, and CONTINUED TO BE.
For this, I am unendingly thankful.
My God, My God, you have not forsaken me. You have never left me alone, you have carried me and rocked me to sleep amidst my many millions of tears as you gathered them in your bottle (which, let's talk about that for a minute: your "bottle" of my tears has GOT to be a vat at this point. there were so many, especially in the last year!)
I thank you, I thank you, I thank you.
For all of this. Especially for Your whispers.
Continue this legacy you have now begun, continue burning the flame, continue bringing me to gaze upon the goodness of Your works!

"For YOU are God, and I am not, so give me understanding to know YOUR will, and seek YOUR way. For YOU are God, yes- YOU are God."
"Consuming fire, fan into flame a passion for Your name... Lord, have Your way."
"Give me one pure and holy passion, give me one magnificent obsession, give me one glorious ambition for my life: to know and follow hard after You."
"Make me to know I love You, make me to know I need You, make me to dream of only You."

His tender whispers and inexplicable movements...

There is something stirring inside of me that I can't express with words. Something comes quickly but silently- I feel its approach but cannot see or hear it.
"I think I'm on the brink of something large. Maybe like the breaking of the dawn, maybe like a match being lit, or the sinking of a ship, letting go gives a better grip."
I don't even know what to call this. It's more of the aforementioned waiting, but it's building now.

Things swirl around me, out of my control. I am unable to fully grasp any of this.

I can only hope that someday, sometime I can look back at this time and understand what will have happened. For now, I'm walking through the can't-see-your-own-hand-in-front-of-your-face fog, well aware of the energy building around me and quite unaware of what it belongs to.

In the meantime, God is whispering:

- Matthew 10: 34-39, especially verses 37, 38, 39...
"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
It's almost like a command, given the way things have been shaping up in my life lately, especially in regards to London. It's not that my parents aren't supportive, they are doing the best they can, I think. But consider attempting to be enthusiastic about your baby girl moving across the ocean to live in another country. I'm sure it's scary and not exactly exciting for them to see this slowly becoming reality in my life. The fact that they've been less than thrilled over the prospect of me moving to London has concerned me, and made me wonder if that's really God's call on my life. Crazy how He keeps reassuring me in my unfaithful, too-frequent moments of doubt- one of which came in church through Matthew 10. Jesus did not come to make everything the rainbows-and-butterflies kind of happiness and peace. He came to seek and save the lost, and in the meantime divide His true worshippers from those who love their comfort zone more than Him. 
My job is not to cling to my parents and my rut of the usual while I'm waiting for God to fulfill His promise.
My job is to take up His cross and love Him even more than my family- to follow Him before following my family's wishes, if it comes down to that.

- Hosea 2:14-23
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her... And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord."
This continuation of His former promises to me has been my source of strength so many days lately. He will bring me out, into His glorious wilderness (I imagine that we pick wildflowers and taste the syrup of honeysuckle as we walk in the field of knee-high yellow grass) and speak tenderly to me. His whispers stun my heart and hold me together. My heart is His and only His, this betrothal is never to be undone. No matter how far I may run or how hard I may fight His goodness and faithfulness, He cannot be anything but that, for it is who He is. His faithfulness, righteousness, steadfast love, justice, and mercy win me over moment by moment and I cannot help but seek to know Him. I cannot help but trust His promises, because I know His heart and it knows me, and there are only hopeful, magnificent things to come from it.