Am I the only one that sometimes feels guilty for having an awesome life? If you read my blog any sort of regular amount or know me in real life, you know that I don't live in a world full of rainbows and butterflies. There are hard days and dry seasons and sometimes life really stinks.
But overall, my life rocks. I've been so abundantly blessed by my God that I can't even really thank Him properly. My parents are wonderful, and though we don't always get along and they argue basically every day, I wouldn't trade them for anyone at all. For the mushy gushy sentimental stuff about how much I love them, please see "Dear Dad". My siblings are also amazing and I would never trade them either, though I often wanted to when I was a kid. The majority of my friends are people that inspire, motivate, and challenge me daily. They encourage me, stand by me, and don't give up on me or abandon me for lame reasons (or really any reason at all). They love me in my mess and make my life more vibrant and thrilling. I go to a wonderful college that's full of a lot of people who a similar to me, and a lot of people who are different from me. I love the variety and kindred spirits I find in both categories. I have a mind that loves learning, which I can thank my homeschooling days for, and I'm a pretty intelligent person (I'm no Einstein, but I love deep conversations and can learn to converse about pretty much anything academic or philosophical). I have something within me that makes music continuously, which makes the music major life a lot more hearty and a lot easier. I am quite healthy, if you disregard the amount of soda and Taco Bell I consume and the number of pounds the world says I should lose to be "fit". I'm not on any medication, I have great eyesight and hearing (though the hearing is sure to leave soon if I continue blast 'You Make My Dreams' as loud as I do...). I'm not a big fan of my looks, but I figure if that's the worst thing that's wrong with me, aside from the things God is concerned with, then I'm doing ok.
I do have a sin problem. It's a big part of my life and something I give up every day and fail at most days. But God is so very faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9), which He does for me A LOT.
Once you consider all this, please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks my life rocks.
Because I certainly believe it does.
As I've begun realizing THAT this summer (it's taken a year for me to find life to be beautiful again, so please forgive me if this realization seems a little late in life), I've also been hanging out with and talking to a lot of friends/acquaintances becoming friends that are in a quite different boat.
They don't have good, supportive families and friends. They have a lot of things in their life that they regret doing. They have a lot of things in their life that are kind of dismal and hope-draining.
And here I sit trying to encourage them and become a part of their lives, I begin to sound like that annoying Christian radio station that's always talking about how *awesome* God is and how ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GIVE IT UP TO HIM and all those other cliché Christianese words and phrases.
As much as I never want to be that person that's so happy about life all the time that you just want to kill a puppy in front of them, I feel like I've become that person. And I feel guilty for it! I feel judged, and like I deserve the judgment, and like it makes sense for people to hate me a little bit and never want to talk to me about their life issues. I think I feel this way because I am so very familiar with the Slough of Despondency and the Depths of Despair {if you understand both of those literary allusions, please be my best friend!}. I remember quite vividly the pain and numbness and listlessness of life that has occurred before, and what little desire I had to have anything to do with overly happy people. Or people who "understood" or people who wanted to encourage me. I just wanted to sit in my mud puddle and pout and cry and be miserable. And if you wanted to jump in, well, the more the miserable-er.
I guess once I get down to it, I have no idea why any of this matters. I know not why anyone should care to read about why I feel guilty about my awesome, God-blessed life. The ponderings just happen and I can't really stop them so most of them just end up here, I suppose.
The questions I close with:
Why do we all stink at being happy for others?
What stops me from being able to relate to those whose lives aren't as sunny as mine currently?
What can I do to change that?
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
loves and fears and mores and enoughs.
I have no idea where this blog post is going or what may come out of it, so please bear with me. There's a lot welling up in my heart and weighing on my mind lately, so this is my feeble attempt at sorting it out. Summer school has been keeping me busy lately, and especially busy writing. When I write for school, I usually approach it as I would a blog post: a hopeful preliminary attempt at sorting out my thoughts, be they thoughts on research or opinions or just emotions. And, luckily, it turns out pretty good in most cases. Well, for this psych class I've been attempting to approaching my writing as a blog post, and it's been wonderful... but it's made me despise even the idea of blogging because I feel like I've already blogged about 33 pages of information on children with exceptionalities.
However, I feel like there are some big things rumbling around in me (and I'm still unsure of their correctness level, so feel free to judge and add your opinion) and I'd like to get my thoughts out there, so here goes:
LOVE and FEAR.
For a long time, I've thought LOVE's opposite was HATE.
I'm changing my mind.
I believe LOVE's opposite is FEAR.
"Every type of emotion has one of only two roots – love or fear. Out of love flow joy, peace, happiness, patience, kindness, gentleness, and hope. Out of fear flow hate, anger, bitterness, resentment, rage, worry, envy and hopelessness.
The fascinating part is that scientists have researched the anatomy and physiology of love and fear and found that these two emotions cannot coexist. You either walk in love or fear but you can’t walk in both at the same time."
- Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd
This explains it all so well. I am incapable of loving if I am afraid of love, or afraid of what may happen, or afraid of my past. I am incapable of fearing if I love God and others with a love that surpasses even that of my self-love, which is continually greater than it should be.
The other big thing that's tumbling around in me is the word MORE.
As a resident of 21st century America, I am quite familiar with this word and its meaning. It means that what I have now is not ____ enough. Maybe just not enough. Maybe not interesting enough. Maybe not beautiful enough. Maybe not clean enough. Maybe not fast enough.
It means that what I have now is not satisfactory.
It means that contentedness is not a option currently.
And yet... YOU are MORE.
You are more than what you say.
You are more than what you do.
You are more than what you did.
You are more than what you wear.
You are more than what you believe.
You are more than what you see.
You are more than what you love.
You are more than what you fear.
You are more than what others tell you.
You are more than your mistakes, hiccups, skeletons, pains, glories, prizes, accolades, and shadows.
It means that what you are now IS ENOUGH.
It means that what you are now is satisfactory.
It means that contentedness is possible.
It means that forgiveness is not only possible, but has been standing there waiting on you to recognize it.
and still, beyond that, HE is MORE.
He is more than what church says.
He is more than what church does.
He is more than what you did.
He is more than what pictures of him look like.
He is more than what we believe.
He is more than what we see.
He is more than what we feel.
He is more than what we love.
He is more than what we fear.
He is more than what anyone has ever told you.
He is more than words, images, and emotions can explain.
He is more than your experiences, regrets, rewards, light, and shadow.
It means that what He is IS ENOUGH.
It means that what He is can handle absolutely anything. period.
It means that what He is now will never change.
It means that contentedness is actually not an option, because we can only see the surface of the 'enough' that He is.
It means that He is forgiveness.
It means that He makes you worthy.
It means that He makes you enough.
He is more, therefore I am more.
Together, we are more than my loves and my fears. Together, He takes my 'enough', and makes it His, and makes it more.
However, I feel like there are some big things rumbling around in me (and I'm still unsure of their correctness level, so feel free to judge and add your opinion) and I'd like to get my thoughts out there, so here goes:
LOVE and FEAR.
For a long time, I've thought LOVE's opposite was HATE.
I'm changing my mind.
I believe LOVE's opposite is FEAR.
"Every type of emotion has one of only two roots – love or fear. Out of love flow joy, peace, happiness, patience, kindness, gentleness, and hope. Out of fear flow hate, anger, bitterness, resentment, rage, worry, envy and hopelessness.
The fascinating part is that scientists have researched the anatomy and physiology of love and fear and found that these two emotions cannot coexist. You either walk in love or fear but you can’t walk in both at the same time."
- Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd
This explains it all so well. I am incapable of loving if I am afraid of love, or afraid of what may happen, or afraid of my past. I am incapable of fearing if I love God and others with a love that surpasses even that of my self-love, which is continually greater than it should be.
The other big thing that's tumbling around in me is the word MORE.
As a resident of 21st century America, I am quite familiar with this word and its meaning. It means that what I have now is not ____ enough. Maybe just not enough. Maybe not interesting enough. Maybe not beautiful enough. Maybe not clean enough. Maybe not fast enough.
It means that what I have now is not satisfactory.
It means that contentedness is not a option currently.
And yet... YOU are MORE.
You are more than what you say.
You are more than what you do.
You are more than what you did.
You are more than what you wear.
You are more than what you believe.
You are more than what you see.
You are more than what you love.
You are more than what you fear.
You are more than what others tell you.
You are more than your mistakes, hiccups, skeletons, pains, glories, prizes, accolades, and shadows.
It means that what you are now IS ENOUGH.
It means that what you are now is satisfactory.
It means that contentedness is possible.
It means that forgiveness is not only possible, but has been standing there waiting on you to recognize it.
and still, beyond that, HE is MORE.
He is more than what church says.
He is more than what church does.
He is more than what you did.
He is more than what pictures of him look like.
He is more than what we believe.
He is more than what we see.
He is more than what we feel.
He is more than what we love.
He is more than what we fear.
He is more than what anyone has ever told you.
He is more than words, images, and emotions can explain.
He is more than your experiences, regrets, rewards, light, and shadow.
It means that what He is IS ENOUGH.
It means that what He is can handle absolutely anything. period.
It means that what He is now will never change.
It means that contentedness is actually not an option, because we can only see the surface of the 'enough' that He is.
It means that He is forgiveness.
It means that He makes you worthy.
It means that He makes you enough.
He is more, therefore I am more.
Together, we are more than my loves and my fears. Together, He takes my 'enough', and makes it His, and makes it more.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
"No man is an island..."
I giggle a little bit in my head as I begin to type this, because I can't shake the mental image of John Donne's statue in St. Paul's Cathedral... that's him, rolled in a sheet like a fancy little literary burrito.
There you go. Giggle a little bit at it before we get into the serious stuff.
Which is this: "No man is an island, entire of itself."
Wise words from Mr. Sheet Burrito, straight out of his poem No Man Is An Island.
If you've never heard this phrase or had the poem explained to you, "lemme splain". We, as humans, are not a bunch of little islands separated by chasms of water and free from affecting each other with our choices. No, we are a part of the main land, a bunch of little clods of dirt and rock and sand smushed together to form what is Humanity. Every action and reaction causes the reactions and affects the actions of the other little clods of dirt around us, in turn rippling out to the rest of humanity.
It's a scary but beautiful thought, that the actions I choose today will affect my friends & family today, and for generations, really.
In my psych class the other day we had several guest speakers talking about their family members who have varying exceptionalities, and how it sometimes makes life more complicated, but overall it's richer and more beautiful and worth the struggle.
and how dare we pity them or attempt to express sympathy for those whose lives are "worse" than ours? I believe empathy is necessary. I believe sympathy is sometimes unnecessary and easily faked.
Wouldn't you rather positively impact the clods of dirt around you than sit there stagnantly, faking your way through?
Live your life! Take advantage of the beauty that surrounds you and fills each day. Choose actions and thoughts that are good, right, true, noble, pure, just, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy! (Phil. 4:8)
Let the pieces of land that are washed away from you affect you. "Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind," he says. Shouldn't the inverse, then, be true as well? Any man's life augments [grows, benefits, supplements, improves] me, because I am involved in mankind! Any man coming to Christ and living abundantly and learning to take the struggles with the easy stuff and appreciate life's lushness because of it makes me a better person because their ripples bounce around in my heart and make me want to do the same thing and live the same way.
No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend's
Or of thine own were:
Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.
It's a frightening prospect: that the choices I call tiny are sending out ripples and affecting all those around me. I am not an island, all by my lonesome. I am a small clod of dirt in the kingdom of God.
There you go. Giggle a little bit at it before we get into the serious stuff.
Which is this: "No man is an island, entire of itself."
Wise words from Mr. Sheet Burrito, straight out of his poem No Man Is An Island.
If you've never heard this phrase or had the poem explained to you, "lemme splain". We, as humans, are not a bunch of little islands separated by chasms of water and free from affecting each other with our choices. No, we are a part of the main land, a bunch of little clods of dirt and rock and sand smushed together to form what is Humanity. Every action and reaction causes the reactions and affects the actions of the other little clods of dirt around us, in turn rippling out to the rest of humanity.
It's a scary but beautiful thought, that the actions I choose today will affect my friends & family today, and for generations, really.
In my psych class the other day we had several guest speakers talking about their family members who have varying exceptionalities, and how it sometimes makes life more complicated, but overall it's richer and more beautiful and worth the struggle.
and how dare we pity them or attempt to express sympathy for those whose lives are "worse" than ours? I believe empathy is necessary. I believe sympathy is sometimes unnecessary and easily faked.
Wouldn't you rather positively impact the clods of dirt around you than sit there stagnantly, faking your way through?
Live your life! Take advantage of the beauty that surrounds you and fills each day. Choose actions and thoughts that are good, right, true, noble, pure, just, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy! (Phil. 4:8)
Let the pieces of land that are washed away from you affect you. "Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind," he says. Shouldn't the inverse, then, be true as well? Any man's life augments [grows, benefits, supplements, improves] me, because I am involved in mankind! Any man coming to Christ and living abundantly and learning to take the struggles with the easy stuff and appreciate life's lushness because of it makes me a better person because their ripples bounce around in my heart and make me want to do the same thing and live the same way.
No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend's
Or of thine own were:
Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.
It's a frightening prospect: that the choices I call tiny are sending out ripples and affecting all those around me. I am not an island, all by my lonesome. I am a small clod of dirt in the kingdom of God.
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
and the over-analyzation continues...
It's well nigh time that I post again, yet I have very little to say. I am, yet again, inundated with school things, practicing, attempting to still be a good friend (and failing daily), attempting to maintain some semblance of a deep relationship with my God (and also failing daily... but thankful that He continues pursuing), and basic day-to-day time-wasting via the internet.
and through it all, somehow, one thing continues to push itself to the forefront of my mind.
not God, sadly... because there's something about Him that asks you to push Him to priority position yourself. so I'm working on that.
but the thing is this: boys.
eep.
You'd think after living 20 blessed, wonderful years of life as a female that I'd be so much better at handling the weirdness. I'm not.
You'd think that being a slightly more intelligent/cultured/wise girl than the majority of girls my age (and I do mean SLIGHTLY) I'd be so much better at being able to think about other things and dwell on deep philosophical or theological thoughts. Which I am, sometimes. But lately?... nada.
Here's the scoop: close friends of mine are getting ENGAGED and MARRIED and GIVING BIRTH. At least once a week now, I find out about another engagement or there's another wedding or another pregnancy announcement. I've gotten past the weird aspect of it, for the most part, and am now to the point where I'm getting impatient. MAY I REMIND YOU I AM ONLY 20. I shouldn't be impatient. Yet with all the romance and twitterpation in the air, and the fact that I stand in often unromantic solidarity, with no change on the visible horizon... Well, you can probably see what I mean.
I start pondering if I should say something to someone. If I should be more forward and flirty. If I should go on that date with that guy my friend wants to set me up with. If I should do something differently about the way I live my life, because guys obviously aren't flocking to me.
And I feel so lame for admitting that. Because now, I see it. OF COURSE I shouldn't do more or change something or whatever! OF COURSE I should keep living my life the way I do and dying to Christ and striving to make Him the definition of me. OF COURSE I should be glad guys aren't flocking to me... If they were, I'm pretty sure I'd be doing this Jesus stuff wrong (unless I were really pretty. Cause there are some really pretty girls who do the Jesus stuff right and guys flock to them. so there's one exception).
I do the typical self-evaluation: (Me to myself)
What is wrong with me? Is my laugh too loud? It's probably annoying. I could stand to lose a few pounds. My acne sometimes flares up. And my eyes are the grossest color. And maybe he doesn't like girls that don't make the first move? Should I say or do something? Or continue waiting? What about the fact that I have basically zero history with guys? That's gotta make me even more awkward and socially unfit. I talk too much. I don't say enough. I sing too much. I like using big words, that's gotta be weird to guys. And I have no life so I'm always lamely hanging out with the same people, or living in the practice room. And I'm in KT so that automatically brands me as a weirdy a little bit...
It continues, many times, for much too long.
This summer has certainly shown me how often I think about myself.
IT'S DISGUSTING!
It's also a circle of self-centeredness that is so very hard for me to escape. I certainly have not gotten the hang of 'thinking of myself less' as opposed to 'thinking less of myself' yet. Dear God, please help me remedy that one soon.
Anyway, all this just reminds me that God obviously has bigger plans for me right now than a relationship. God is obviously still working on my heart being tied solely to Him before it becomes tied to someone else too.
All of this seems cliche, as I re-read it, and sounds lame all typed out and blatantly narcissistic.
I apologize for that, and pray that you'll still be my friend.
and through it all, somehow, one thing continues to push itself to the forefront of my mind.
not God, sadly... because there's something about Him that asks you to push Him to priority position yourself. so I'm working on that.
but the thing is this: boys.
eep.
You'd think after living 20 blessed, wonderful years of life as a female that I'd be so much better at handling the weirdness. I'm not.
You'd think that being a slightly more intelligent/cultured/wise girl than the majority of girls my age (and I do mean SLIGHTLY) I'd be so much better at being able to think about other things and dwell on deep philosophical or theological thoughts. Which I am, sometimes. But lately?... nada.
Here's the scoop: close friends of mine are getting ENGAGED and MARRIED and GIVING BIRTH. At least once a week now, I find out about another engagement or there's another wedding or another pregnancy announcement. I've gotten past the weird aspect of it, for the most part, and am now to the point where I'm getting impatient. MAY I REMIND YOU I AM ONLY 20. I shouldn't be impatient. Yet with all the romance and twitterpation in the air, and the fact that I stand in often unromantic solidarity, with no change on the visible horizon... Well, you can probably see what I mean.
I start pondering if I should say something to someone. If I should be more forward and flirty. If I should go on that date with that guy my friend wants to set me up with. If I should do something differently about the way I live my life, because guys obviously aren't flocking to me.
And I feel so lame for admitting that. Because now, I see it. OF COURSE I shouldn't do more or change something or whatever! OF COURSE I should keep living my life the way I do and dying to Christ and striving to make Him the definition of me. OF COURSE I should be glad guys aren't flocking to me... If they were, I'm pretty sure I'd be doing this Jesus stuff wrong (unless I were really pretty. Cause there are some really pretty girls who do the Jesus stuff right and guys flock to them. so there's one exception).
I do the typical self-evaluation: (Me to myself)
What is wrong with me? Is my laugh too loud? It's probably annoying. I could stand to lose a few pounds. My acne sometimes flares up. And my eyes are the grossest color. And maybe he doesn't like girls that don't make the first move? Should I say or do something? Or continue waiting? What about the fact that I have basically zero history with guys? That's gotta make me even more awkward and socially unfit. I talk too much. I don't say enough. I sing too much. I like using big words, that's gotta be weird to guys. And I have no life so I'm always lamely hanging out with the same people, or living in the practice room. And I'm in KT so that automatically brands me as a weirdy a little bit...
It continues, many times, for much too long.
This summer has certainly shown me how often I think about myself.
IT'S DISGUSTING!
It's also a circle of self-centeredness that is so very hard for me to escape. I certainly have not gotten the hang of 'thinking of myself less' as opposed to 'thinking less of myself' yet. Dear God, please help me remedy that one soon.
Anyway, all this just reminds me that God obviously has bigger plans for me right now than a relationship. God is obviously still working on my heart being tied solely to Him before it becomes tied to someone else too.
All of this seems cliche, as I re-read it, and sounds lame all typed out and blatantly narcissistic.
I apologize for that, and pray that you'll still be my friend.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
//water///
It's funny the things your brain finally connects and grasps and makes sense of when you have nothing to do but lay there listlessly watching countless episodes of The Office or think.
Around bedtime one night I was hobbling into the kitchen to rinse out my soup bowl and suddenly something made sense.
We use water for a lot of stuff: drinking, helping plants grow, washing things, etc.
Have you ever thought about water's ability to make things soften?
When you leave a bowl with remnants of food in it and it gets all crusty, what do you do? Fill it with water so you can rinse it out and wash it.
For some reason I'd never really thought about this aspect of water. Even things that we consider "hard"- wood, leather, ginormous books, etc- are softened when waterlogged.
Do you see the spiritual aspect coming here?
Jesus calls himself the Living Water.
John 4 puts it like this: “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.... Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
Basically, Jesus is telling this woman that He is God's gift to mankind, that He is able to eternally satisfy our needs for spiritual (and physical) water.
Can we shorten this to Jesus = water? Maybe that's being a little too free with summarizing the Bible, so sue me.
If Jesus is the spiritual water for us, then it means He has the ability- no, his CHARACTER is to soften that which is hardened. stuck. crusty.
There are so many times in the Old Testament where God resolves to harden his heart against a person or a people, after their continual disobedience or rebellion. The beautiful part comes when He decides (as He did MANY times) to have mercy and soften his heart toward them once again.
We see him doing this for other people in the Bible as well- one of my favorite instances of which is Ezekiel 36. He's speaking to His Children, the Israelites, and He says:
"It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came. And I will vindicate the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, and which you have profaned among them.
And the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Lord God, when through you I vindicate my holiness before their eyes.
I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
I think that's pretty straightforward. His people have not held up the mightiness and holiness of their God, which is not OK, and he's saying THESE PEOPLE WILL KNOW THAT I AM THE LORD. and this is how:
I will forgive, cleanse, renew, and soften.
I think it's powerful and there's something to be said by the fact that God himself insists that the way people will know and fear Him (even when His own children often don't) is through His forgiveness and ability to soften that which has been hardened by sin.
My heart often gets hardened. By disappointment, by independence, by pride, by expectations.
I get stuck, my heart gets crusty, and a lot of times I find myself enjoying my ability to sit and revel in my stuck-ness. It's easy there. It's comfortable. No scraping or changing or new things I must learn to handle.
God, somehow, knows the exactly perfect time to say, "Ok, enough is enough. I'm tired of My Name being profaned and other people not knowing that I am the Lord because of your lifestyle.
The time has come for you to be vindicated.
The time has come for you to be cleaned.
The time has come for you to sit in my presence and get soggy and waterlogged and gushy again.
Because if you don't, and you don't change, and you don't start praising my name among the nations again, then one thing that water cannot soften- the ROCKS- will be softened to be able to praise my name.
If you don't, THE ROCKS will cry out. If you aren't, THE ROCKS will be un-hardened. My power is that great, and My name is that worthy."
Let His water-ness soften and change and vindicate you. Let him gushify your crust and unstick you.
Then praise and glorify His name among the nations. Someone has to.
Around bedtime one night I was hobbling into the kitchen to rinse out my soup bowl and suddenly something made sense.
We use water for a lot of stuff: drinking, helping plants grow, washing things, etc.
Have you ever thought about water's ability to make things soften?
When you leave a bowl with remnants of food in it and it gets all crusty, what do you do? Fill it with water so you can rinse it out and wash it.
For some reason I'd never really thought about this aspect of water. Even things that we consider "hard"- wood, leather, ginormous books, etc- are softened when waterlogged.
Do you see the spiritual aspect coming here?
Jesus calls himself the Living Water.
John 4 puts it like this: “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.... Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
Basically, Jesus is telling this woman that He is God's gift to mankind, that He is able to eternally satisfy our needs for spiritual (and physical) water.
Can we shorten this to Jesus = water? Maybe that's being a little too free with summarizing the Bible, so sue me.
If Jesus is the spiritual water for us, then it means He has the ability- no, his CHARACTER is to soften that which is hardened. stuck. crusty.
There are so many times in the Old Testament where God resolves to harden his heart against a person or a people, after their continual disobedience or rebellion. The beautiful part comes when He decides (as He did MANY times) to have mercy and soften his heart toward them once again.
We see him doing this for other people in the Bible as well- one of my favorite instances of which is Ezekiel 36. He's speaking to His Children, the Israelites, and He says:
"It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came. And I will vindicate the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, and which you have profaned among them.
And the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Lord God, when through you I vindicate my holiness before their eyes.
I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
I think that's pretty straightforward. His people have not held up the mightiness and holiness of their God, which is not OK, and he's saying THESE PEOPLE WILL KNOW THAT I AM THE LORD. and this is how:
I will forgive, cleanse, renew, and soften.
I think it's powerful and there's something to be said by the fact that God himself insists that the way people will know and fear Him (even when His own children often don't) is through His forgiveness and ability to soften that which has been hardened by sin.
My heart often gets hardened. By disappointment, by independence, by pride, by expectations.
I get stuck, my heart gets crusty, and a lot of times I find myself enjoying my ability to sit and revel in my stuck-ness. It's easy there. It's comfortable. No scraping or changing or new things I must learn to handle.
God, somehow, knows the exactly perfect time to say, "Ok, enough is enough. I'm tired of My Name being profaned and other people not knowing that I am the Lord because of your lifestyle.
The time has come for you to be vindicated.
The time has come for you to be cleaned.
The time has come for you to sit in my presence and get soggy and waterlogged and gushy again.
Because if you don't, and you don't change, and you don't start praising my name among the nations again, then one thing that water cannot soften- the ROCKS- will be softened to be able to praise my name.
If you don't, THE ROCKS will cry out. If you aren't, THE ROCKS will be un-hardened. My power is that great, and My name is that worthy."
Let His water-ness soften and change and vindicate you. Let him gushify your crust and unstick you.
Then praise and glorify His name among the nations. Someone has to.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Dear Dad...
I always struggle knowing what to say to my parents on days such as this. It seems like no matter how hard I try to convey what my heart treasures about them, I can't quite capture it with words. Today, I was driving back to Clinton from church and 'When Daddy Says I'm Beautiful' by Annie Moses Band shuffled on. I couldn't help but think of some my favorite memories with my Dad...
I remember the MANY nights he would come in from work, probably exhausted, when we lived in Rainbow City, and I would ruuuun to him and wrap myself around his leg. As a five-year-old, I thought it was hilariously fun to let him try to walk through the house with me latched on.
I remember how I thought it was so silly that Mommy was "teacher" and Daddy was "principal".... until I got in trouble and Daddy reinforced the punishment when he got home from work. Then I regretted thinking he didn't actually have a 'job' in the 'school'.
I remember the many arguments he and mom have had (bear with me for a moment, I promise this is a good thing). When I was a kid, it scared me because it seemed like when two people were crying and screaming at each other, that no good could come of it. I was always afraid they would get divorced or something because they argued... Now that I'm older, I'm so grateful to have seen what a working, growing, beautiful marriage looks like. There are fights, and they're not pretty, and they're not easy. But that doesn't mean giving up is an option.
Dad taught me what a husband should be and what a good father is and what a godly man looks like- He never hurt my mom or any of us kids, purposefully or accidentally. We all hurt each others' feelings occasionally, sure... but he handled his anger, and loved us anyway, and trusted the Lord to give him endurance when life was hard and we weren't supportive.
I remember the many Dad & Daughter banquets he took me to through the years, and how every time I felt like a princess. He would tell me how beautiful I was, and I never really believed him. He still tells me how beautiful I am, and I still don't really believe him, but at least I believe he means it.
I remember when he took me and Lauren to our first theatre production when I was 8- Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella. I was so enthralled by the sophistication and wonder of it all that I don't even remember the play much at all.
I remember all the times he's asked me to open up to him and share my heart with him, and I've flat-out turned him down and not let him be a friend and confidant.
I remember him teaching me to drive, and how frustrated I got with him so many times, because I of course thought I knew what I was doing. He would always make me say "I could stop, I could stop, I could stop..." approaching a traffic light, then say "I'M COMMITTED." as I got to a point where I would have to drive through it no matter what.
I remember when I was just a preschooler and Daddy had cancer- Hairy Cell Leukemia- and we were constantly praying for him and practically bathing in Purell. I was just a kid then and didn't know what was going on, but now I can picture my dad, the father of four young kids, sitting in a hospital room getting chemotherapy and being so determined to outlive this thing, to fight and endure and live a long, happy life with us. Which he is doing.
I remember him teaching me to fish, helping me ride my first two-wheeled bike, teaching me Physics, holding me as I cried but refused to tell him my heartaches, teaching me to mow the grass with the riding mower, helping me learn to scramble eggs, leading me to Christ, and loving me the way I needed and wanted to be loved.
I can never thank you enough, Dad, for all of this. For teaching me to seek Christ by doing so yourself, for always being willing and able to fix anything wrong with my car, for always being ready to give advice and pour out wisdom, for being supportive, loving, and the most chivalrous and respectable man I know. I'm thankful for all of it.
For the easy and hard times with you, for the good and bad, for the memories I love and even the things I regret. I'm unbelievably blessed to have a father like you. Proverbs 4 is a chapter full of instruction from a father, and it always reminds me of you, because I'm pretty sure everything inside it I've heard come out of your mouth. You are valiant, determined, hard-working, loving, wise, and ultimately such a great picture of Christ to me and all those you encounter.
I LOVE YOU, DADDY! Even though I pick on you and tease you and mock your "Dad" questions... I'm so glad that you let me, and you ask tough questions, and you keep loving and being and doing. You're the best and you're kind of my hero.
"When Daddy says I'm beautiful, he smiles with his eyes, and a happiness that I can't describe fills me up inside. Confidence of love is content within my soul..."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
the loss
CW/TW: pregnancy and miscarriage Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I’ve thought about how to word this for so long, debat...
