wrecked!

God has started this thing where he completely wrecks me whenever I let Him. Which is really great, because I need to be wrecked. However, the sad thing is, I don't let it happen as often as it needs to happen. I blame it on busyness and tiredness and who knows whatever else when I get up in the morning and say, "Nah, I'd rather spend these 20 minutes eating breakfast than building a relationship with my Savior and dying to myself."
Because really, living for myself is easier and more fun most of the time.
At least at first.
But it's a guaranteed fact: every Sunday, every Bible study day, every time I start to dig into the Word, he ruins me a little bit more for this world and what it tries to sell me. These occurrences usually end in tears, and sometimes screaming/sometimes complete silence and lack of words, and always being totally humbled by Him and His presence and His grace.
Today looked a little bit like this:
I go to church. He stabs these lyrics of songs into my heart like daggers. I cry, the brokenness-being-healed-and-redeemed cry. The pastor starts preaching. Once again, my heart is overwhelmed by my selfishness, pride, and lack of Him. I cry some more. The pastor relays God's grace and goodness.

The everlasting truth is that God IS who He says He IS and He DOES what He says He can DO.
His names don't just tell us what he does, they tell us HIS NATURE and HIS CHARACTER. They tell us that He IS the very definition of that quality- healing, righteousness, providing, etc.- because He will NEVER not do or be that. He has always been, is continually, and will forever be EVERYTHING that is good in this life. EVERYTHING. 
That continues to blow my mind and wreck my life every time I think about it.

So there's all that. Add on to that my personal issues and mistakes and pains, and the fact that when I pour them out to Him, it's as if there's immediate healing poured into my heart. When I repent and ask for Him to forgive and heal me, I'm reminded that He always will be and do that for me, no matter how imperfect I am on a regular basis... just because He is good.
Once we get all that personal stuff added to the bundle, I am MESSED UP by the time I've finished my ranting.

In our Sunday night Bible study, we've been working on John 1 for a while now. We talked a couple weeks ago about verses 3 and 4 specifically, and how we were made through and by THE GOD, and Him alone. Claire shared this gripping story about her godmother's baby. The baby was born with some issues and went straight into neonatal ICU. The mother talked about how much she longed to be on the other side of that pane of glass, holding her newborn baby, but she knew she couldn't and that it would literally kill her child. Then the mother realized that's how God is with us. We are here, on this earth, separated from Him by sin. There is no way he can touch us or hold us like He wants to because He is so righteous and perfect, we would literally die (Exodus 33:5, 18-23). But then He sends Jesus, our Savior, our Messiah, to remediate our sins and reconcile us to Him that He may indirectly touch us and hold us. We don't physically die because we don't physically see Him, but we spiritually die to ourselves and this world because He spiritually consumes us to the point that WE, shattered creatures of darkness, can no longer live, and can only have Him living through us.
It boggles my mind.
1 Timothy 6:16 says He "dwells in unapproachable light"... but this is why we have the Holy Spirit in us, from the day of our salvation, so that we may be seen under Christ's blood as His spotless righteousness and may therefore "approach the throne of Grace with confidence." (Hebrews 4:16)

I'll stop there because my mind is whirling and I can't gather my own thoughts for the sake of His extraordinary self.
Keep your eyes on Him, my friends. Let Him consume you.

Let's get down to business...

Where on earth do I even begin? Let's just make a list.
- I miss London. a whole lot, obviously. But I've begun thinking about the logical aspect of moving there and it's really scary. Getting a student/work visa would be hard enough- let along finding a job, a place to live, and making completely new friends. and being away from my family ALL THE TIME. I mean let's be real, I'll probably only see them at Christmas if I live in England. I'm not sure if I'm ok with that.
- This bible study thing. I love Jenelle, and I'm so excited for God to start this exponential multiplication process. But I am so not ready to be a leader of a bible study ANYTIME in the near future, let alone next year. I just feel like I am lacking so much, and so unsure of how to respond to people, and so not a super-spiritual group leader person. Granted, I love Jesus A LOT... but I am super messed up and selfish. I'm just not sure how much of a success that could be. But then I guess I'm underestimating God when it comes down to it, huh?
- My major is consuming my life. It always happens, and I hate and love it at the same time. I love being dedicated to something and working hard for it and being wrapped up in it. But at this point, my major is coming before my relationship with God, which is NOT ok with me. And I really doubt any of my professors care. If it ends up being "finish practicing" or "go have God time," I practice to appease my teachers and get good grades. Which ends up happening. But even when I do get that 4.0 for the semester, 75% of the time, I look back and regret not having spent more time with the Lover of my soul.
- I love my little brother, and girls are messing with him and his friends are being mean and I want to punch someone for him. Nuff said.
- Also, work is tough. I'm wearing thin on my patience and enthusiasm now that I'm really getting to know these kids and it makes for some long, tiring afternoons- for them and me. They aren't progressing near as quickly as I'd hoped they would... and I just don't know what to do. I feel like a failure of a coach most days. My co-workers are good people, but I'm not super close to any of them and they're all like best friends, and it just makes me feel like the continual outsider. blehhh.

I'm an overcommitter. I'm in need of love.
"I'm wanting, needing, guilty, and greedy. Unrighteous, unholy... undo me, undo me!"

Still His unfathomable love and grace holds me together. His joy is my strength each day.

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me. Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away.

Desires

Life lately has been hectic, and without much down time... but well worth the ride. It still continues to blow my mind (and I hope it never ceases to) that God proves so faithful in the little, day-to-day stresses as well as the big, soul-gutting/heart-wrenching messy stuff. Obviously, being such the selfish impish human that I am, I'm not so great at the continual forgiveness and grace that God seems to pour out on every day. It humbles me and amazes me and makes me fall a little more in love with Him. And every time He does those sweet little things, like send a baby deer across my path or have a four-year-old tell me how beautiful I am, I'm brought even lower and realize just how tiny I am in comparison to His greatness and majesty. I love that fact.
The thing that I've really been churning through my mind these past few days is His sovereign will. Honestly there are several things that I selfishly want that I know are not His will. I'm partially grateful that he doesn't give me these desires, because I know they aren't what's best in the long run... However, I'm partially wishing that He would change His mind and make it possible.
Isn't that awful? I kind of feel like a bratty elementary kid admitting that, but it's SO the truth right now. To be really genuine, I would have to come right out and say that I would love for His will for me to be being in London right now. I would love for His will to be me being really awesome at piano instead of struggling to keep up. I would love for His will to be me in a relationship with a fantastic, godly guy. I would love for His will to be me being able to dance without looking like a homeschooled white girl. I would love for His will to be me coming from a ridiculously wealthy family and not having to worry about paying off my credit card and saying no when people ask me to go do fun things with them that I currently can't afford. and much much more.
But really, how would any of that benefit me? It's just selfish desires. And sure, they aren't necessarily BAD things, in fact some of them are really great things. But achieving and receiving those things would most likely only make me want more. Not to mention how self-focused they are.
I often brush it off and blame it on my age and stage of life. I'm ready for my life to begin- the "big" and "important" stuff- I so often forget that life has begun and when I spend it wishing for what I don't have and longing for things I don't need, I'm wasting so much time and potential. I tell myself it's natural, that everyone at this age wants to be the best they can be and make an impact and be known and loved and start a family, blah blah blah. Really, those are just personal excuses for me knowing I'm wasting bits of each day.
Psalm 37:4 is a verse that is often misquoted and overused... but it's come to mean a lot to me over my few years. "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart," it reminds us. One of my favorite Christian speakers, Priscilla Shirer, spoke about this once and it's stuck with me for a long time: 
This verse doesn't necessarily mean God will FULFILL your heart's desires. Although He does do that when your heart is in line with His, it's more of a promise that if you're truly DELIGHTING yourself in Him and reveling in His grace and love and seeking His face each day, He will GIVE YOU desires FOR your heart. He will place HIS desires in your heart in mind, and plant them there, so that they BECOME your heart's desires.
God, tune my heart. I'm flat and raspy and need your lovely music back, singing in my heart. Help me to seek your face, not just your hands. Thank you for giving me so many desires for my heart that are straight from Your heart. Please swell those up and shrink my selfish ones away. Fulfill Your righteous desires within me and squelch my own depraved wishes. Keep humbling me with your awesomeness and wooing me with Your subtle ways. May my heart beat to praise You and sing Your name alone!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFxVfAZj5Q0

when things come full-circle

September is finally here and I am so far beyond excited! It's my third-favorite month (only because I love spring and Christmas a little bit more) of the whole year! Football season is finally upon us, the weather is slowly but surely cooling down, and this month brings back lots of fabulous memories...
The first of which is today. September 1. My former-best-friend-yet-still-semi-friend's birthday. I associate this day with prank calls, late night sleepover discussions, walking through her neighborhood, and watching Pride and Prejudice (honestly, it's a good thing I'm home and don't have a copy of Good Ol' Reliable near by or I would probably put it in and let myself bawl a little). It reminds me of how we bonded in the first place, and everything we experienced together, and all the crazy emotions we vented together. But it also reminds me of how much of a terrible friend I was, not only to her, but also (and possibly more importantly) to my faithful friends that tried to stick by me during my diva/selfish/awful years. It was not the prettiest or best season of my life, to put it nicely, so reminiscing on that bit always brings a dull ache. Mostly because I realize I could've been so much more, and such a better example, and so much more of a passionate follower of Christ- and I completely wasted that time.
September 24 is another date that reminds me of that time, because that was *our* day. Our "friend-iversary", if you'd like to call it that. As most of you know by now, Summer of 2008 brought a challenging period of my life. Peyton and I "broke up" (our friendship was ridiculously tight-knit and it was a devastating decision when we decided to continue on our different life paths and not be best friends anymore) and that brought on the worst time I have ever experienced. I was continually depressed and felt that I had no one there for me (most of which was my fault). Even though from then on, remembering September 24th was a very painful thing for me, Peyton and I always texted each other a "Happy Anniversary" message... even though it was oddly untrue.
Well, today is her birthday. So despite our roller coaster of a history, I texted her a simple birthday message. And she replied that we should get together over Christmas break for coffee and discuss life as 'adults'. The thing is, I know we're both serious about this and are going to make it happen. and I like that. As I was sitting here, watching Bama games and remembering the MANY Bama games we watched together and talked through, I was hit with the magnitude of this. Okay, maybe it's just me being my usual over-analytic, dramatic self but I really feel like this is a little physical taste of God's redemption. That He can take this friendship that I totally screwed up, turn my screw-up into what draws me close to Him for good, and a couple years down the road start to patch that friendship and heal those parts of my heart that exploded when I lost my closest and last friend in 10th grade. He blows my mind with His goodness.
Honestly, though, in the summer between 10th and 11th grade when I was undergoing this continual darkness, I was not having my mind blown by His goodness. I was asking him "Why?", at best, and often questioning His existence. I was angry and torn and broken. I definitely don't remember reaching out to Him... I just remember being comforted when I cried and being held together as I numbly tried to regain control of my life. I feel like it was one of those circumstances that's actually pretty common and no one realizes it: it's when God subtly steps in and picks you up and just starts carrying you, but you aren't even aware of it. Looking back, I see that He did that. I see that as this effects of this bomb ricocheted through my heart, He kept digging out the shrapnel. At the time it made me mad when he would resurface those old wounds... Now I realize it was the only thing He could do to heal me. Which he did very well, in the end.
Now I find myself in a similar place: torn over wanting to be in England and having to be here. broken over my sinfulness and lack of trust. But He's come full circle through the healing process with me and is ready to lift me back up and carry me through again. He's watched my emotional breakdowns over the life I know I was meant for that I can't have yet, and comforts me in the midst of them. He is replanting my heart, rooting it in His own even more deeply than before, so that I will not hurt when I physically move to a different location but only when my heart moves away from His. I love that.
God, I am so extremely grateful for your circular work and awesome ways that are beginning to become so familiar. I love that. In London, I fell in love with you in such a new and real way, but I planted my own heart there in the city. I'm beginning to realize now that I should've been planting my heart in yours so that wherever You lead me I can follow WHOLEheartedly. Please forgive me for my arrogant, self-assured, and selfish ways. Instead, order my steps with Your Word and direct my paths. Don't give up on me. I try to trust and believe- help my doubts and unbelief! 

"And if I have to crawl, well You'd crawl too. I stumble and I fall, carry me through. The wonder of it all is You see me through." -Superchick

glorious days

So I decided a few weeks ago, after reading Meg's blog about the sabbath, and seeing her talk about wanting to continue really RESTING on the Sabbath once she returned to MC, that Sunday would be my true Sabbath and I would learn to just REST in Him. Last sunday was a kinda boring one, cause there was no homework to be done or anything to begin with. But today was a complete success.
Friday I spent a good bit of time getting little stuff done like laundry, dropping by career services, friend dates, etc. I started homework but didn't get a lot done until Saturday morning, then ran some errands on Saturday that I'd been meaning to do, and I got to spend some awesome bonding time with a couple KT sisters, so I felt like yesterday was extremely successful as well. But today I decided not to stress over homework, and tried to avoid it totally. I had a LOVELY morning with my dear Kendall-twin at church, non-sunday-school (funny story... we went to sunday school and they didn't have it. so we got coffee and left), lunch, and some great dorm bonding time as well. That led to some movie-watching and a glorious nap, and a car worship date with my wonderful Meg-twin...
On the car-worship date I came so close to happy tears a couple times. As we were driving, it began sprinkling on the road ahead of us, and all the sudden there was a portion of a rainbow... then half a rainbow... then the whole semicircle of a rainbow! I've never really seen the actual base of a rainbow, like where it originates- and we saw not only the base of one side but the base of BOTH SIDES! I don't understand rainbows really well (I'm not meteorologist, that's for sure), but I know they're a promise of God's unending faithfulness to His promises. As long as rainbows are showing up, God is still enthroned on High, working in our lives, and protecting us from being utterly destroyed. At that moment, when I was jamming with Megan to "How I Love You" by Christy Nockels, and being so dramatically reminded of God's faithfulness to His great, beneficial promises to me (2. Cor. 1:20), I was overcome with His goodness. As if earlier in the day at church, and with Kendall, I hadn't been reminded enough of how amazingly GOOD He is... I was flooded with that reminder yet again. And again and again, as the car worshipping and talking about God-stuff carried on.
I returned to my room to some much-needed conversation and bonding time with the new roomie, which was absolutely superb. Finally, after being super relax-ey for way too long and feeling the need to be productive again, I did some calm homework... and can I just say this Sabbath thing is AWESOME?! I love this. I'm doing this for the rest of my liiiiifeeeee. Why did it take me until just now to realize that sometimes, God wants me to literally just BE STILL before Him and know he is God, he is good, and He is totally in control of my circumstances.... and the world. I love that.
God, thanks for being so close to me today. Thanks for drawing me into your arms and just loving on me in these odd ways that mean so much. Thank you for the friends you've provided me to celebrate You with, and for the lessons (big and small) you're teaching me each day. Order my steps with your word. Be my strength and my song. Help me to not be afraid but simply trust Your will each moment. Oh, how I love You!

struggling

Every couple of weeks, I catch up on my best friends' blogs. There are three or four that I try to stay plugged into (although I often fail at that), and lately I've been so convicted when I read each of their blogs. It's so awesome to me how God works in my friends, leads them to blog about it, and in turn works in me. I so often pray that I can be that type of vessel for His work... Honestly, it's kind of my goal in life. I think it's the highest calling of a Christian, to simply be able to be used by God. Because really, He doesn't need us at all. He can do absolutely anything He wants, anytime, with anyone. And He chooses to work through little nobodies like us, just to prove how awesome He is (that He can work through such stubborn and selfish creatures as me). Anyway, when I read my friends' blogs, I'm also convicted of my lack of empathy, my selfishness, and my vanity. They are all continually selfless, compassionate, and boast in Christ alone- I am so very blessed by them and inspired by their Christ-filled hearts!
As you probably know, I've changed a lot in the past 8 months. This period of time has been the most growth-inflicting bit I think I've ever encountered so far in my life. Honestly, it scares me a little bit. While I LOVE London and can't wait to go back, I'm scared that maybe I got it wrong somewhere, and I start thinking of all the "what-if?"s. What if God wasn't saying that London will be my home? What if I never get to go back? What if all this change in my life changes my friendships too drastically to repair? What if I DO move to London, and I have to leave all my family and friends and start an entirely new life? What if I move to London and realize it isn't really the place for me and have to come back, dragging my tail between my legs (so to speak)? I know I *should* have faith in God, and I *should* trust His every move and I *should* never question him... But goodness, we all know I'm super flawed and sinful anyway. I know I need to take every thought captive to obedience in Christ and not let my worries consume me, but this is something I really struggle with over and over. Most people have addictions to porn or alcohol or sex... my addiction is worry and fear. I can't make myself stop. I know how, but just can't seem to make it happen and the prayers don't seem to be doing much right now.
If it offends you that I'm being so doubtful in God, just stop reading. I'm not going to apologize for the genuine outpouring of my heart.
Obviously, friends, I have a lot of growing to do. I have such little faith and such big worries. I fail Him daily... which makes it even more remarkable that He still chooses to listen to me and work in and through me. His love and forgiveness is extravagant.

God, calm my anxious heart. You are sovereign over me and my circumstances. Even when I am unsure of your plan and doubt your promises, you are faithful... and I am SO grateful for that. Please don't give up on me.