why I hate change... er, transitions.

Transitions are one of my least favorite things. I always thought it was change I didn't like, but I'm suddenly realizing it's the transition out of the old and into the new that makes things hard. The hardest part of a piece of music to memorize is the transition- because it bears similarities to things that happened earlier in the piece, but usually shifts tonal centers and introduces a new rhythm or pattern. The toughest part of managing a classroom is transition from different activities smoothly. Apparently I'm not the only one that finds transitions challenging.
And here I am in a season of transition. I'm getting ready to move off-campus (and basically be done with MC forever since I'll only be on campus for student teacher meetings), to hand over my position as Chaplain (and therefore an officer) for KT, to leave my friends and see many of them married off, to begin my life as a teacher, to start a big-kid job, to be done with college life as I know it. It's bittersweet of course, and some days I hate it more than others, but today, the thought frees me.
I can go anywhere. I can be anything.
Those cheesy lines from the Reading Rainbow theme song excite me to no end because I recognize their truth. This step into a new phase, as uncomfortable as it may be, brings me one step closer to my future, to London, to new adventures.
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell. And for once, it might be grand to have someone understand: I want so much more than they've got planned.
Yes, Belle, Yes.
I feel like surely someone in the Bible knew a thing or two about transitions, so I look it up.
Transition, I type into BibleGateway. Nothing.
Change, I try to vague-ify my search term. change of clothes... change of mind... change of name... change of course... change of behavior... change of countenance... change of color... "For I the Lord do not change".
And I stop. He's right, he doesn't change. If God doesn't change, why do we? Is that why transitions are so hard, because they don't exist or happen in God's character? Maybe God doesn't change because He doesn't need to, because He's already perfect.
Therefore, maybe we change because He is changing us to be perfect like Him. He calls us to be His imitators (Eph. 5:1-2). We know He also calls us to shed the things of this world, the old things, and live our lives for Him daily (Luke 9:23, 2 Cor. 5:17, Rom. 12:1-2) in "newness of life". So maybe this sacrifice of self (Gal. 5:20) demands that things change and that transitions, painful as they may be, happen in our life.
That is the byproduct of being refined by His fire (Zech. 13:9), this a little bit (or lotta bit) of pain for being a lot more worthy, valuable, and precious in His sight.

When I consider all this, all the things I have learned about God's heart and will for me, and see transitions that happen naturally in this world-- like the one I am experience now, the transition into adulthood-- I know there is good reason for the toughness and uncomfortability of it. The fact that this is hard to get through and hard to get the hang of and hard to do right makes it that much more valuable when I *do* do something right by Him. As difficult as it is to memorize how to transition and execute it smoothly and then implement that into my life, I know that I have grace waiting for me. I know I have freedom to mess up some and try again, that I have support and Love to help make this transition easier. He doesn't change, He isn't going to transition himself, but He is transitioning with me.
The power of Your love is changing me, Oh Lord. and I am so grateful.

bguyosbgslwlbtg sjk

It's one week until my recital jury, the day that determines whether or not I have my recital (and, in turn, when I graduate). My mind is constantly clogged with thoughts, worries, and music. My heart is overwhelmed with worry and hope. I want so badly to give up, or just be done, but I've come too far to not keep praying and practicing and pushing.
I know the Lord has brought me here at this time for a purpose, and I know He will continue to work in my life whether or not the jury goes well. I also know that my God is bigger than me and my worries and my unbelief- I know He is big enough to get past my own lack of self discipline and faithlessness and instead show me His glory through all this jury & recital preparation. I believe He is able to miraculously show up in my recital jury and give me strength and ability I thought I didn't have. "I believe; help my unbelief!" has become my heart's cry.

He is able. He will never fail.
Nothing is wasted; He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

I'm an emotional wreck and don't know what He's going to do, but I'm boldly and selfishly praying that He is obviously present in my recital jury. That my performance would not just be a performance but would be my spiritual act of worship, and that He would honor that with passing me through my jury and giving me a wonderful recital as well.

Please pray with and for me, especially over the next week.
He gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

Recapitulation and Resolution

Two of my favorite words: recapitulation. resolution. If you're a music nerd like myself and my colleagues, you are quite familiar with these terms in reference to a sonata and a cadence, respectively. In music world, "recapitulation" just means bringing back and restating earlier bits of music as they were originally heard, sometimes slightly altering them; "resolution" means when all the chaos/activity/imbalance that has occurred so far in the music is finally brought back to "home base" (to tonic, to the major I chord, whatever you want to say) and everything feels settled.

It being the first week of January, I (along with millions of other humans, I'm sure) have been doing a lot of recapping and resolving. It amazes me the things that have changed in the past four years (my whole time in college plus a little).

My 2010 resolutions:
1. Read through the Bible- select one verse a day from what I read to put into action.
2. Grow in Christ and produce fruit for Him.
3. Lose 15 pounds.
4. Exercise three times a week.
5. Wear my retainer 5 nights a week.
6. Trust more.
7. Pray more.
8. Love more.
9. Get all A's and B's.
10. Put God first always.

go ahead and take a laughter break.
2010 recap:
A. I focused on boys wayyyy too much.
1. I didn't read through the Bible and the verse-a-day thing didn't last to the end of January even.
2. I definitely grew but am still unsure how much fruit I produced. 
3. HA! College hit.
4. DOUBLE HA!
5. yeah… no.
6. This I definitely did and it was hard and worth it.
7. See number 6.
8. See number 6.
9. Well I did it, but I question its usefulness.
10. It didn't happen. But I learned a lot.

My 2011 Resolution:
To give God more of me.
That's it, just that one thing. But I realized on January First, thanks to my dear friend Susan Green (now Lewis) that "[People who are close to God] don't have any more of God than I do, but God may have more of them than He has of me." It's stuck with me to this day and it changed my life a little bit.

2011 recap:
basically everything somehow changed this year. not that I suddenly became an awesome Christian, but I slowly gave God more of myself and it became the most beautiful choice I could've made.

My 2012 Resolutions:
-Share the comfort God covers me with, with others. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
-Implement the characteristics, attitudes, and actions of Proverbs 31:10-30 in my life.
-Feel with others
-Flee from immorality, greed, lust, dishonesty, anger, ungratefulness, gossip, rage, bitterness, malice, and quarrels.
-Run to Christ's love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Gal. 5:20-21)
-Pursue Christ and His righteousness, faith, charity, and peace with those that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. (2 Timothy 2:22)
-Fill my mind with things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. (Phil 4:8)
-Strive for better than "good enough" (Col. 1:21-22)
-Leave behind mediocrity.
-Trust His guiding hand to take care of me (Isaiah 41:13)
-Not immediately run and tell others things He whispers to me, but store them up and ponder them in my heart. (Luke 2:19)

2012 recap: the best year of my life so far. Making these decisions to CHANGE my actions and habits and base the change on Biblical standards was joy-inducing and invigorating and freeing. I didn't achieve all of these every second of every day, but God gave me the strength, grace, and courage needed to live for Him more wholeheartedly than ever before.

My 2013 Resolutions:
1. Be more sincere, genuine, loyal, and intentional in ALL friendships.
2. Take every thought captive in accordance with His Word, and dwell on true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, excellent things (2 Cor. 10:3-5, Phil. 4:8)
3. Memorize 12 Bible verses/passages- one per month. (Ps. 119:11, 2 Tim. 3:16-17)
4. Rejoice always (Phil. 4:4, 1 Thess. 5:16)
5. Pray continually (1 Thess. 5:17)
6. Be more respectful and honoring of my body, God's temple. (1 Cor. 6:15-20)
7. NOT GROW WEARY or lose heart (Heb. 12:1-6)
8. Live at peace with all and be holy, so that people will see the Lord and not miss out on His grace (Heb. 12:14-15)
9. Be thankful. (the Bible)
10. TRUST. (Prov. 3:5-7, Ps. 22:8)

2013 recap: big whopping failure. for a while I was doing a great job. then it became just that, a job. somewhere along the way I started listening to, considering, and believing Satan's lies. It was a slow, unnoticeable fade, that didn't come to a head until the last day of the year, when God finally jerked me awake. I am grateful for the lessons I learned and the friendships I invested in- I'm not saying everything in the year was a failure. But spiritually, I gave up and missed out on a lot. Here's to hoping 2013 never repeats itself.

My 2014 Resolutions:
1. Read the Chronological Bible daily. Because I need Him and I am desperately hungry.
2. Replace negative thoughts and self-talk with positive. Because I am His treasure and I am not called to live defeated.
3. Watch less TV/movies/Netflix- Read more books. Because I'm done with laziness of mind and body.
4. Take the stairs and park farther away. Because I want to be healthy and able to make the most of this life He's given me.
5. Learn to knit or crochet. For fun. :)
6. Get a Paul and a Timothy. Because I need to be poured into and pour myself out regularly.
7. Learn to save money. Stop using my credit card. Tithe and save. The end. Because "my" money is not mine.
8. Write more letters and build others up. Because words are dangerous and hearts are precious, and people need to be encouraged and loved fiercely and visibly.
9. Stop biting nails. Because you aren't a child anymore, Becca.
10. Expand my vocabulary. Because life needs to be beautiful and there are so many beautiful, unused words.
11. Become an explorer of the world. Use and complete the "How to Be an Explorer of the World" book. Because it's fun, memorable, and you are SO. GOOD. at exploring, Becca.
12. Memorize Scripture. Because I don't have enough of Him in my heart.
13. Believe and trust. Because it's biblical.
14. Seek Him first.

Stay tuned for the next eleven months to see how the 2014 recap goes. ;)
Also, please keep me accountable in these resolutions. Seriously, I don't care if you secretly creep my blog or if you're my mom or my best friend or a stranger who stumbled here. Call me, text me, comment, write me a note- ASK ME HOW MY RESOLVE IS. Because I'm human and weak and need God-reminders from you humans. :)

Here's to 2014 being different and resolvedly HIS.

Upon the posting of the grades:

I absolutely loathe how easy it is to let numbers define me. For those who, like me, struggle to accept your true identity:
You are more than a number on a scale.
You are more than your GPA.
You are more than the number of hours you spend doing homework or in the practice room.
You are more than the number of followers you have on Twitter.
You are more than the number of likes you got in Instagram.
You are more than the number size given to you by clothing companies.
You are more than the dollars in your bank account.
You are more than any number of things you let limit you.

You are created in the image of God.
You are made to live life abundantly.
You are called to love God, and to love others as you love yourself.

and while we're at it, let's not forget the 'as you love yourself' bit of that.
You don't go around condemning your friends for not getting enough likes on instagram or for not having lost those 10 pounds yet or for letting their GPA drop a little this semester.
STOP CONDEMNING YOURSELF FOR THOSE THINGS.
No one else is.

You're a beautiful, wonderful, living, breathing, child of the Almighty born to imitate Him.
Accept it.
Live like you believe it- even if you have to "fake it till you make it".


**I apologize for the utter cliché-ness of this post. I do, however, mean every word of it in the most genuine sense possible.**

Days of plenty

The one-month time difference in my last post and this one should tell you a lot about my life lately. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, school is absolutely NUTS this semester. They weren't kidding when they said this music major thing is hard. So here's what's going on: 10-12 hours of piano practice per week (not as much as it should be, but more than ever before, so hey), 18 credit hours, 30+ observation hours in JPSD and other musical places, my normal jobs of coaching and Ambassador-ing, KT chappy stuff, and normal social life things and campus activities. May not sound like a lot.... but it's a LOT. And I'm going to be completely honest, I have done absolutely NOTHING this semester. I would say I don't know how I've made it through so far with so few breakdowns and so little stress, but I do know how: JESUS. I resolved back in January to be intentional with friendships and people, and put school on the back burner. And my faithful God has totally provided for my weakness- it's such a cool example of how His power is made perfect in me. So, somehow, He's carried me through each day (not that it's been easy, there are multitudes of struggles every day, but He provides redemption and power to go on).
ALLLL of that to say: this semester is hard and crazzzyyyy busier than last semester, but worthwhile and growth-inducing. As all the best ones are.
Let me also take a minute to clue you in on how insanely adventurous my semester has been. That is, in comparison my typical MC semester where the most daring thing I do is go to Taco Bell at midnight or stargaze on the Trace at night. This semester, as you probably know if you've read earlier blogs, I went on my first Spontaneous New Orleans Trip (or SNOT, as I like to call them in my head). It was, of course, somewhat scary and rather glorious and the drive back watching the sun rise and listening to hipster music made it worth the lack of sleep.
Since then, I've done a few more thrilling things: drove to the end of HWY 80 and parked there. and got approached by a Sheriff's dept man and asked if we were doing drugs..."NO, WE'RE JUST THREE COLLEGE GIRLS OUT HERE TALKING ABOUT JESUS WORKING IN OUR LIVES, WE PROMISE!" bahahahaha. For real that happened. He seriously thought we were trying to buy dope from a nearby drug house. ridiculous.
Also, for spring break I went on a "camping" trip (and by "camping" I mean staying in my best friend's camper at a camper/trailer resort thingy) with just four college girls and zero "adults". not terribly daring, but the first time I've been on a vacation sort of thing with no adults, if you're not counting London semester excursions. So that was pretty cool.
Finally, my favorite adventures of the semester: The thursday climbing nights. It started two weeks ago when I was in my practice room, trying to be a good student, when a couple friends came in and distracted me (which I accepted warmly. practicing gets old quickly some nights) and invited me to climb onto the roofs of buildings on campus with them. So we headed out around 11 PM and I got back to my room a little after 1 AM. It was super fun, and I had like 8 billion adrenaline rushes from various climbing moments all in that night. Plus the friends I was with are really level-headed and God-loving people so there was nothing sketchy, we were just out seeking adventure and trying to avoid Security discovering us. :) hehe.
Then last night, we met up again and decided to be a little more brazen with our goals this time and climbed in/on some more 'dangerous' buildings- and by that I mean we were more likely to get caught last night than the first time. But we made it out alive, fully in tact, and without being discovered. So I count it as quite a success.
And, finally, the point of this entire blog post (yes, everything so far has just been catching up on major life events): MY DAY TODAY.
Today we had a service day involving all the clubs and tribes- we were all kinda mish-mashed around so I was in a group of 12 people from different tribes and clubs who all went to a nursing home and played Bingo and just talked and visited with the residents. I sat at a table with three golden women: Mrs Mary, Mrs Helen, and Mrs Betty. We played Bingo for a long while, and then finished a nice long game of that and cleared away all the boards and chips and whatnot and sat and talked. We talked about their children, passed-away husbands, grandchildren, previous jobs and places of living, favorite hymns, and why cats are better than dogs.
It made me remember just how much I love old people and their wisdom and old-fashioned sensibilities. Every time I visit a nursing home or assisted living, I'm reminded of how much I value their stories and feel their pain of having loved ones who never visit. I can't help but imagine myself at 92, confined to a wheelchair, with gloriously white hair, shrunken features, shriveled skin, and a failing memory.
It's a beautifully tragic picture.
I would tell people about what I've experienced in life and what's hurt me and Who's healed me and why I love life so much. I would tell people that patience is one of the most important things in life to learn and that an adventure should never be turned down (unless it is illegal... then it should be shrewdly considered before engaging). I would try to pour out just a little portion of the love that has been so comfortingly poured over me from God, through others.
And that is exactly what these ladies did. I heard about how Mrs. Betty's family never visits her and how she prefers diet drinks and wins Bingo a lot. Mrs. Helen told me she was the oldest of 12 kids, 4 of which are still alive; and the story of when she was 40 and her husband was 43 and he died driving his butane delivery truck and how lonely life has been for the 35 years that have followed, but her favorite hymn is Amazing Grace because it reminded her that God was still with her.
And my favorite of them all, Mrs. Mary, told me a LOT about her life. How her granddaughter worked a lot, but had a baby, and she was concerned the baby wouldn't develop well because her mom didn't keep her much. She talked of when she graduated from MC in the 1930's and moved to Indiana to become a schoolteacher and teach typing on manual type writers. Then when schools began to integrate, she was very leery and wasn't sure how it would go over, and the first semester of school she had two little black girls in her class who wanted to decorate her bulletin board, and she let them, and they created the most beautiful construction paper christmas tree, with little matchboxes covered in wrapping paper and glued under the tree as 'gifts' and their room won the best bulletin board design for the Christmas decoration competition. Then she knew that integration was a good thing and black people were just as able as white people to be intelligent and work hard and well at what they did. She said those two girls changed her whole outlook on segregation and integration, and I almost cried. She gave me so much hope for my future (I'm sure it was directly from God) and reminded me how beneficial teaching will be for me, my students, and our country. We also talked about how much she loved the song "In the Garden" (which was my grandmother's favorite) and would sing it every day before school in order to prepare herself for the day and remember that God was in control and would be beside her. She said she used to play piano a lot, and very well, and couldn't remember much and it depressed her. She said she's not sure if she's grateful to have lived to be 92 or if she's sad to have seen so much of life and be confined to a wheelchair now, seeing each day slip by and just living for nothing. "They tell me I'm here for a reason, but I can't seem to find it," she stated plainly.
I almost lost it right then and there.
She was so beautiful and having such a huge impact on me and I couldn't formulate the words for how grateful I was to have met her and the reason she was alive was to continue sharing her wisdom with people like me, who often lose faith and forget that life is beautiful and always will be. I told her that, much less eloquently, and tried to encourage her and convey the depth of my gratitude.
Then I told her about being a music major, and hoping to teach, and my semester in London and how I feel so called to live there forever, and how I didn't have a boyfriend but was just waiting on God, and of course she encouraged me in it all. She said I have a sweet spirit that will be good for teaching, and she hopes I can live in London and fulfill God's will for my life with a noble British man at my side.

Funny how much it means to you when you hear the whispers of your heart being iterated and confirmed by another's voice.
I hope I can always remember and treasure the experience I had today and everything that's gone on this semester. I hope that when I'm 92 I'll be sitting in my wheelchair encouraging college girls to chase their dreams and follow God. I hope I'll be telling them about my plentiful adventures and blessings that occurred throughout college. I hope I'll be reminding them just how much God can and will provide when you need a lot and tell Him a lot.
I hope I'll be cherishing these days of plenty and trusting Him for many more purposeful, plentiful days, even at the ripe old age of 92.

crazy dayssss

You know those days where you literally feel like you're either going to explode or melt into a sweet little puddle at any moment? The past week and a half has been those days, one after the other, bombarding me. I knew coming into this semester that it would be my toughest one so far, and that I was overcommitted and that it is only by God's grace and provision that I will survive this semester. Quite literally.
Well, today is (I believe) the worst one yet. And I knew coming in how long and exhausting and emotional it would be. The wonderful thing is, God likes to show off. So on those days that I'm so expecting them to be utterly horrible and too busy to even breathe, He showers me with joy and shadows me with Himself and sings over me through the tough stuff. Not that my life is all butterflies and unicorns. Let's be honest: some kid pooped himself at my gymnastics class today and I haven't shaved in over a week. Not to mention my almost-twenty-year-old virgin lips. My life is the weirdest combination of the most eclectic things and memories and people I could ever imagine, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm finally learning to rest in the fact that God made me to be who I am for a specific person. Not just "because He said so" but because there is something that He wants to use ME, specifically ME, to accomplish.


Let's take a minute to marvel over that one and how magnificent He is for using redeemed wretches to do His work.





Up next, let's review a little bit of the things I've committed to for this semester:
Music Major: including...
 -at least 17 055 events
 -17 credit hours=12 classes
 -insurmountable piles of homework
 -14 hours of piano practice per week
 -Women's Chamber
 -handbell choir
 -Ambassadors
KT Chaplain...
 -actually a ton of fun. but I have no idea what the heck I'm doing and I'm just trusting that God does.
Work
 -it's off campus, which has its perks and downfalls. I love being able to get out of the Bubble, even just a little bit, but rushing there and back from music events is not my favorite thing ever.
 -the kids are nutso. granted, it's preparing me for my future as an educator. however, some days I'm just tired and don't want to deal with it and it gives me headaches.


And today. I:
Woke up at 7.
Got ready.
Went & printed off my ACT scores for a class.
Found out at 7:54, when I had an 8 o'clock, that I had a paper due for our 9:25 class.
Hurriedly wrote an awful 1-page paper.
Had class.
Had class again.
Had piano. Talked about playing piano for this famous Russian pianist guy. Worried about that.
Lunch.
Was encouraged to change clothes before performing for The Russian, so I did.
Piano master class with The Russian.
Hurried to work!
Work. The kid who pooped his pants, or at least claimed he did. I didn't deal with it so I'm still fuzzy on that one. Also, my coworker suddenly developed multiple personalities. The funniest/weirdest thing I've seen so far this week.
I got a text from my cousin that I had texted her a bunch of gibberish at some point. That I never sent. again with the weird thing.
Had a private lesson with this sweet little girl who finally ROCKED her cartwheels. I couldn't be more proud.
Came back to school.
Got ready for The Russian's concert tonight, meaning I actually tried to look pretty and felt like I succeeded.
Had dinner. Yay for eating.
Went to The Russian's concert.
Semi-ran to KT meeting.
Gave my first devotional to the whole group. I felt like I kinda flopped it. but God's Word was read and His Word doesn't return void. It accomplishes His will and achieves the purpose for which He sends it.
Got the BeauxTie. (for non-KTers, each week the Beaux pick one sister to bestow love/encouragement/gratitude on) I seriously thought I never would get it, and God just said... Why not. :)


God is the best.
I'm overwhelmed and lacking sleep, but He is so very faithful, so very beautiful, so very WORTH IT.
He's got this.

Let's get down to business...

Where on earth do I even begin? Let's just make a list.
- I miss London. a whole lot, obviously. But I've begun thinking about the logical aspect of moving there and it's really scary. Getting a student/work visa would be hard enough- let along finding a job, a place to live, and making completely new friends. and being away from my family ALL THE TIME. I mean let's be real, I'll probably only see them at Christmas if I live in England. I'm not sure if I'm ok with that.
- This bible study thing. I love Jenelle, and I'm so excited for God to start this exponential multiplication process. But I am so not ready to be a leader of a bible study ANYTIME in the near future, let alone next year. I just feel like I am lacking so much, and so unsure of how to respond to people, and so not a super-spiritual group leader person. Granted, I love Jesus A LOT... but I am super messed up and selfish. I'm just not sure how much of a success that could be. But then I guess I'm underestimating God when it comes down to it, huh?
- My major is consuming my life. It always happens, and I hate and love it at the same time. I love being dedicated to something and working hard for it and being wrapped up in it. But at this point, my major is coming before my relationship with God, which is NOT ok with me. And I really doubt any of my professors care. If it ends up being "finish practicing" or "go have God time," I practice to appease my teachers and get good grades. Which ends up happening. But even when I do get that 4.0 for the semester, 75% of the time, I look back and regret not having spent more time with the Lover of my soul.
- I love my little brother, and girls are messing with him and his friends are being mean and I want to punch someone for him. Nuff said.
- Also, work is tough. I'm wearing thin on my patience and enthusiasm now that I'm really getting to know these kids and it makes for some long, tiring afternoons- for them and me. They aren't progressing near as quickly as I'd hoped they would... and I just don't know what to do. I feel like a failure of a coach most days. My co-workers are good people, but I'm not super close to any of them and they're all like best friends, and it just makes me feel like the continual outsider. blehhh.

I'm an overcommitter. I'm in need of love.
"I'm wanting, needing, guilty, and greedy. Unrighteous, unholy... undo me, undo me!"

Still His unfathomable love and grace holds me together. His joy is my strength each day.

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me. Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away.

the real me, wedding vows, and other long, drawn-out things occupying my mind

there is so much whirling through my head right now, there is no telling what direction this blog will go. ready? set? go.
1- there is this song that randomly popped into my head tonight, The Real Me by Natalie Grant. She wrote it when she was overcoming bulimia. Honestly, I've never dealt with a straight-up eating disorder (by the grace of God!) but the whole self-confidence thing is a consistent issue, as well as body image. and can I just say that Natalie Grant's lyrics hit me where it hurts so good? Ya know what I mean? It's like finally stretching that muscle back out that's been cramping all day. It hurts but you know it's making it better. Yeah, that. Let me share, please...

The Real Me- Natalie Grant 

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?
[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

(Chorus)

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

(Chorus)

just whoa. do you see it, too? He sees wonder and beauty when He looks at us. He sees His masterpiece that is made exactly how he wanted it- flaws and all. Perfect, under the blood of the Lamb. And he takes the ripped up pieces of us that we leave behind, and when we finally come to the breaking point and turn back to Him and beg for redemption, He brings out this glorious quilt he's been making. Isn't is always the old, worn ones that are the warmest and most comfortable anyway? Beauty from ashes. Strength from pain. A quilt from worn-out scraps. How fantastic an image! 

2- wedding vows. for some reason there have been a lot of proposals and engagements and weddings and wedding photos lately. so on my nightly walk over to Aven to practice/study, I was pondering these things, and the difference in men & women, and the spaghetti/waffle brain thing (women are spaghetti- all attached and all over the place, men are waffles- all segmented and some are just empty). And for some reason I started thinking about wedding vows, specifically the part about "having and holding" from your traditional vows. "To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do us part" And I dunno, maybe it's just my weird, convoluted way of thinking, but I realized that maybe that half of each of these is for each spouse. To have- for the women (what girl doesn't want to just HAVE someone who is there for her and loves her as-is?) To hold- for the men (Since they tend to be more physically driven than women... or whatever). To love- men ("Husbands, love your wives...") to cherish- women (cherish= care for someone lovingly... your typical 50's housewife kinda deal). In sickness- men (I know everyone wants to be taken care of when sick, but with girls, it's a MUST. guys, DO THIS.) and in health- women (... it's like the wife takes pride in her husband's strength, health, and ability to keep a job & provide for his family). Forever.

ok, I hope that makes sense because I will now stop expounding and stovallogizing.

3- finals. are. killing. me. I am being swallowed whole by this music major lifestyle. and while I love it, I'm not willing to give my whole self to it/ sell my soul. so in this respect, I am SO looking forward to the London semester... it's greatly needed. in my head now: ars nova. ars cantus mensurabilis. prolation- imperfect/perfect. Boethius. aulos. cantus. canticle. Kyrie, Gloria, Credo, Santus, Agnus Dei. trope. Winchester Troper. Squarcialupi Codex. Landini. Hildegard of Bingen (1094 C.E.), Ordo Virtutum. musica enchiriadis. and more (thanks for letting me get that out, I felt like my head was literally about to explode). 

4- also: MENC Christmas party. ambassadors Christmas party. all this stupid commercialized, marketed Christmas stuff. Jesus is all that matters, y'all. for real. 

5- I'm not alone in that girlish wish of a relationship->marriage->family->babies, right? because right now, I just want to know God has that in my future. which, honestly, that wish changes from day to day/hour to hour. sometimes I just want to live a life of celibacy as an Italian version of Mother Theresa (India is too dirty for me to handle...). basically, I just want to know WHAT God has in my future. which reminds me:

EXPERIENCING GOD. READ IT. I am now, and it's completely revolutionizing my thought process and relationship with God. and as it SO well-addressed this topic the other night...

"'What is God's will for my life?' is not the best question to ask. I think the right question is simply, 'What is God's will?' Once I know God's will, then I can adjust my life to Him and His purposes. In other words, what is it that God is purposing where I am? Once I know what God is doing, then I know what I need to do. The focus needs to be on God and His purposes, NOT MY LIFE! ...The Plan He has for your life is based on what He is doing in His world. He has a great purpose in mind for all humankind throughout all time. His desire is for you to become involved in what He is doing. Finding out what He is doing helps you know what He wants you to do through you." (emphasis mine)

and on that humbling and thought-and-prayer-provoking note, I will bid thee adieu. 

sleep well, sweet readers.