crazy dayssss

You know those days where you literally feel like you're either going to explode or melt into a sweet little puddle at any moment? The past week and a half has been those days, one after the other, bombarding me. I knew coming into this semester that it would be my toughest one so far, and that I was overcommitted and that it is only by God's grace and provision that I will survive this semester. Quite literally.
Well, today is (I believe) the worst one yet. And I knew coming in how long and exhausting and emotional it would be. The wonderful thing is, God likes to show off. So on those days that I'm so expecting them to be utterly horrible and too busy to even breathe, He showers me with joy and shadows me with Himself and sings over me through the tough stuff. Not that my life is all butterflies and unicorns. Let's be honest: some kid pooped himself at my gymnastics class today and I haven't shaved in over a week. Not to mention my almost-twenty-year-old virgin lips. My life is the weirdest combination of the most eclectic things and memories and people I could ever imagine, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm finally learning to rest in the fact that God made me to be who I am for a specific person. Not just "because He said so" but because there is something that He wants to use ME, specifically ME, to accomplish.


Let's take a minute to marvel over that one and how magnificent He is for using redeemed wretches to do His work.





Up next, let's review a little bit of the things I've committed to for this semester:
Music Major: including...
 -at least 17 055 events
 -17 credit hours=12 classes
 -insurmountable piles of homework
 -14 hours of piano practice per week
 -Women's Chamber
 -handbell choir
 -Ambassadors
KT Chaplain...
 -actually a ton of fun. but I have no idea what the heck I'm doing and I'm just trusting that God does.
Work
 -it's off campus, which has its perks and downfalls. I love being able to get out of the Bubble, even just a little bit, but rushing there and back from music events is not my favorite thing ever.
 -the kids are nutso. granted, it's preparing me for my future as an educator. however, some days I'm just tired and don't want to deal with it and it gives me headaches.


And today. I:
Woke up at 7.
Got ready.
Went & printed off my ACT scores for a class.
Found out at 7:54, when I had an 8 o'clock, that I had a paper due for our 9:25 class.
Hurriedly wrote an awful 1-page paper.
Had class.
Had class again.
Had piano. Talked about playing piano for this famous Russian pianist guy. Worried about that.
Lunch.
Was encouraged to change clothes before performing for The Russian, so I did.
Piano master class with The Russian.
Hurried to work!
Work. The kid who pooped his pants, or at least claimed he did. I didn't deal with it so I'm still fuzzy on that one. Also, my coworker suddenly developed multiple personalities. The funniest/weirdest thing I've seen so far this week.
I got a text from my cousin that I had texted her a bunch of gibberish at some point. That I never sent. again with the weird thing.
Had a private lesson with this sweet little girl who finally ROCKED her cartwheels. I couldn't be more proud.
Came back to school.
Got ready for The Russian's concert tonight, meaning I actually tried to look pretty and felt like I succeeded.
Had dinner. Yay for eating.
Went to The Russian's concert.
Semi-ran to KT meeting.
Gave my first devotional to the whole group. I felt like I kinda flopped it. but God's Word was read and His Word doesn't return void. It accomplishes His will and achieves the purpose for which He sends it.
Got the BeauxTie. (for non-KTers, each week the Beaux pick one sister to bestow love/encouragement/gratitude on) I seriously thought I never would get it, and God just said... Why not. :)


God is the best.
I'm overwhelmed and lacking sleep, but He is so very faithful, so very beautiful, so very WORTH IT.
He's got this.

today

This day last year was arguably the best day of my life second to being saved & redeemed by Jesus Christ. 12 January, 2012.
The day I arrived in London.
The day I faced my fears.
The day I fell in love.
The day my life changed.

Don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful for that day and all that followed. I am insanely thankful that God cemented in my heart a love for London and continues to assure me that His will for me in London is not completed yet. Life now is so very different than it was a year ago, and I am grateful for how massively and magnificently God has shown up and been faithful in the big and little circumstances. I love where He has me and what He's doing here at this time...
But I want to rewind my life. I want to go back and be whole again. I want to be fully happy again. I want to be whispered to by Him as often as I was while in England (which was a lot). Not that He doesn't speak any more or I'm not mostly happy or He doesn't continue to fill me to overflowing- He does all those things and more. But knowing that life is this spectacular here, but *could be* 4x more awesome if I were in London, simply because He molded my heart to fit perfectly there... it totally kills me.
I think I've mentioned it before, how I've prayed for so many years that He would simply break me.
And He finally answered the prayer.
I am so sweetly broken in the most complex way I could imagine. I'm broken over the fact that I'm simply not home. I'm broken over the fact that it took me this long to let Him break me. I'm broken over the fact that I can't seem to be as close to Him on this side of the ocean as I was to Him while across the pond. and a few other forms of brokenness that I can't quite put a finger on.

It so utterly humbles me that every moment of my life up to that point on January 11 when I left the USA was preparation for London and Him ordering my steps. I can't believe that He could be that loving and that awesome and that wise and that magnificent and that meticulous and that excellent, that He would take the time to say,
"Look at this little 9 year old girl. She loves me, yet she doesn't know me.
I'm gonna make her want to take piano, and do cartwheels, and go to summer camp.
These things will lead her to teach music, and gymnastics, and will take her directly to the college I want her at, so that she can see flyers for a semester abroad in England and think, 'What fun! I love british accents!'
and go,
and find the reason that she is alive.
And she'll fall in love with me and I'll teach her and I'll sing to her
and we will go on great adventures together!
This innocent nine-year-old doesn't even know how I'm working in her life to consecrate her to me over the next ten years and the rest of her life!"

I am so blown away by the magnitude and depth and force of my Great God and His love.

He makes me... loved. and happy.

absdfaevyaoeuiaehruiavefyieaguaiehuiaegitueahuaip
^ my thoughts right now.
I usually don't blog until I have some actual purpose formulated in my mind that needs to be discussed. But this is just too good! Please forgive me while I improv-blog.

GOD IS SO GOOD. HE IS REALLY COOL AND AWESOME.
HE PROVIDES AND HE MAKES ME HAPPY AND HE GIVES ME JOY AND HE CALMS MY HEART AND HE IS JUST EVERYTHING.
What started this? Reading back through my talking-to-God journal.
Is it ridiculous that every time I start connecting God's dots of how He's moving and providing in my life and answering even the most shallow, nonsensical prayers, that I get really excited?
Because I really do. Like, a 'five-year-old-on-Christmas' excited.
Last November, for example, I was reading through Ezekiel. On the 7th, I wrote:

"Ezekiel 4= Sometimes you call us to craziness. Help me to listen to Your call and boldly and bravely accept it."

Less than a week later, I wrote:

"I know that You will carry through on Your words, as your prove in Ezekiel 5... Help my unbelief and help me continue to wait hopefully and patiently on your plan."

Throughout this time, I was getting nervous about London and all the semester would bring. I was distracted by boys and vanity and all my lists. Now, looking back at these entries of pouring my heart out to God with my concerns and prayers- both selfish and eternal- it astounds me how even then He was providing and I was blind to it.
He was preparing my path and putting the desires in my heart to do bold, brave, crazy things for Him... like move to London. for more than just 3 months.
He was keeping me from the things I wanted but didn't really need...
like approval from the wrong people, attention from the wrong guys, and other little things that were simply ill-timed.
I vividly remember, then, being so overcome by His goodness one day, and the next day being unable to focus on anything other than some cute boy or making my hair look awesome. I'm not saying I'm perfect and over that now, but our relationship is just that: A RELATIONSHIP. Not me sliding my prayer requests under His door and trying to make Him agree with my petitions, as it was a bit over a year ago.
Another request that keeps popping up in my pre-London journaling is "pursue me, woo me, be the Lover of my soul."
And, okay, let's be real: it makes me tear up when I see it so often and know what happens next.
HE DOES IT!!!!! asfioasebituawvryilhrusilabwrulhruilavylriaegurilshutarwlagryualrgvhajslhfialegu
what?!
Yeah.
THE GOD. THE ONLY GOD. THE ONE WHO IS AND HAS BEEN AND WILL BE FOREVER. The One who created me and everything I know. I said, "Hey, will you love me and start teaching me to love You?" and He said "HECK YES."
I cherish London most because it's the place where He became my first Love. I've called Him that before and known what it meant, but used it cause it sounded good and spiritual.
I don't think anyone knows what it means until they get to a place where they literally cannot survive alone. While in London, I had no family or best friends within arm's reach. I was completely out of my comfort zone 24/7 and ran around like a lost duck about 95% of the time, especially toward the beginning. I had a place to stay and someone who was an authority figure over me and money to buy bread and peanut butter, yeah. Otherwise, it was just God. I had no constant emotional support. I had no mentor. I had no church family. I had no one who'd be gut honest to my face when I needed it... I was hours away from all of that.
And because this little lost girl sat on her dorm bed and said, "I don't know what I'm doing, but I know I need Your love," He walked my paths before me. He was beside me as my friend, behind me as my rear guard, above me as my mentor, around me as my family, with me as my love. He became my everything, quite literally. I didn't even know this glorious Creator of all was doing that as I prayed and worried and cried and hoped and dreamed. I couldn't feel Him holding my heart and didn't hear Him say, "I'm already here, and there, and I already love You like that." But because somewhere something told me I should pray those words, He shouted "FINALLY! She's ready." and blew me away.

This probably doesn't make sense and doesn't tie together and doesn't get you near as excited or emotional as I am. But literally SEEING my penned prayers answered, a year later, I'm beyond ecstatic and so thrilled and blown away, I did good to calm down enough to type this out and spell most everything correctly.

HE MAKES ME HAPPY.

He makes me...

There's something really special about my car rides. The short ones usually just consist of major jam time (usually including rolled-down windows and the music turned up LOUDLY) and/or a car worship session (worshiping Jesus, not the car... just to clarify). The long ones, like my trips to and from home, are about half-jam/worship, half praying and listening to my Jesus. Sometimes with a little audiobook mixed in.
Well this most recent long car trip I took was my drive back home from school, for Christmas break. and it was going all fantastic and I was semi-avoiding the praying & listening to Jesus bit, because I was being all selfish and enjoying the sunny day and the freedom that my heart was experiencing with every mile closer to home I inched.
And... Do you ever have those moments where God is speaking so loudly into your heart, you just KNOW the next step would be for Him to audibly speak, and that scares you, so you just listen to Him and obey? I feel like that happens to me a lot. A lot of times, I obey Him because I'm scared of what He could do if I didn't pick up on his whispers the first time (awful, but true). But that is not my point.
The point is, I had that moment. So I turned off the music and turned off my whirling thoughts and just waited. Then He told me to pour out my heart, and I did. I ranted about boys and school and friends and work and family and worries and hopes and everything else that was reigning in my thought life lately.
Then, I just shut up.
And He said:

"The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not be in want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul."

Of course, at this point, I had already cried a good bit, and then I just started crying even more because... okay, is it just me, or does it really throw you for a loop when you're being all bratty/selfish/vain/stupid and complaining to God and he just heaps love on you anyway? His grace absolutely destroys me sometimes.
Here I am, pouring my heart out, yes, but most of it was very whiney and complain-ey, when He just says... Hey. I am your shepherd.
I am good at that and I am good to you.
Stop worrying about where you're going and when you're going and how you're getting there.
I'm guiding you.
You don't need to want for anything you don't have because if it's something you need, I'll give it to you when you need it. And if it's something you don't need at all, I'm protecting you from it for good reason. And, sometimes, if it's something you want but don't necessarily need, but it's just frivolous... I give it to you anyway, just to show my love to you in a more tangible way.
Beyond that, Sometimes you just gotta lay down in a meadow.
 Just lay down with me and be beside me.
It's time for you to let me make you do things because I know they're best for you. This is best for you. Lay down beside me and breathe. Look at the sky, listen to the wind, feel the cool ground on your back. Eat and drink My eternal sustenance. Appreciate being with me.
Then, let's walk together by the quiet waters. I want the peacefulness of this place (be it physical or spiritual) to allow you, too, to be still and quiet and just know that I'm God. I'm good. I'm FOR YOU. I WANT TO RESTORE YOU.  And, sadly, I just can't do that when you spend every day holding on to your hurt, pain, regret, and sin. In order to be restored, you must first surrender.
You must first let me be your shepherd, so I can provide for you and lead you to rest, peace, and plenty. 


And it all just blew me away.
How have I never gotten all of that out of Psalm 23 before?
All the "make me"s, reminded me of one of my favorite songs, by Commonground Band, called Make Me. The chorus says, "Make me to know I love You, make me to know I need You, make me to dream of only You, only You, only YOU."
And as much as I try to take control of my life and avoid God's conviction and whatnot... when it comes down to it, that's a lot of what I want in life. Mainly, I want to live my life as an offering to God that glorifies Him alone... Secondly, I just want to learn how to love Him. I know for a FACT that I stink at unconditional love, which is the only love God knows I do believe... So me loving Him in even a SEMI-EQUAL way to how He loves me is clearly impossible. However, I want to try. I want to learn and just attempt to know for a fact that I LOVE him wholeheartedly, that I NEED him unashamedly, and that I dream of Him only.
So much to attempt (the beautiful thing is, I really don't have to 'attempt' anything except the self-sacrifice. everything else comes from Him and straight back to Him.) but He makes it well worth it.
HE MAKES ME WELL WORTH IT.

patience and opened eyes

I consider myself a patient person. Oddly enough, I'm pretty good at waiting contentedly on others and giving them time to do what needs to be done. Especially when it comes to kids... By God's grace, I am able to maintain a very even temperament and patient approach when teaching, so that comes in very handy, and often reassures me that I am, in fact, meant to be a teacher.
However.
When it comes to waiting on God, I'm one of the least patient people I know. Granted, I'm not physically hopping schools or dropping out and flying to London or sleeping around trying to find love, or even dating around... but emotionally, I kind of am all of that. In my heart, I'm always longing for London. Not necessarily a 'bad' thing to be longing for, but not the BEST thing to be longing for... which makes it a waste of time and energy. Same thing with looking for love, my future, etc. If in my heart I'm constantly turning away the consistency, patience, and goodness of Christ, and seeking satisfaction from other things, I'm letting them become idols and strongholds in my life. It's really much more serious than just wishing for something, in my perspective.
But I'm gonna be honest:
I want a boyfriend. I want to fall in love and get married and have adventures together.
I want to leave America. My first choice is London, but really anywhere except here is okay with me, as long as I'm GOING and DOING.
I want to be a mom. Whether it's having a biological child or adopting or being a maternal figure to orphans I hang out with or just being a loving teacher... I want it.
I'M READY FOR IT, GOD.

at least that's what I keep telling him.
but again with the honesty, y'all: He obviously knows what is best for me and what will lead to his ultimate glorification and the completion of His will. and since at this time I don't have a boyfriend, live in London, or work with orphans on a regular basis, it's obviously His will that I am exactly where I am at this time.
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven... He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end." {Eccl. 3}

He is not currently rushing to make my life beautiful at this time.
He is not off working on someone else's life with my stale-ly 'beautiful' one sitting idlely by.
He is not attempting to find a way to tie all the knots together in the end and make this a beautiful work at some point.
HE HAS ALREADY MADE EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL.
The work is done.
I don't have to do anything. No adding or subtracting of the beautiful or ugly is necessary. I don't have to try to do everything myself and 'fix' the 'wrong' things that have happened in my life.
I just repent from the wrong. Turn to the right. and open my eyes.

I just have to let myself see it.

Be patient, redeemed daughter. Calm down enough to take in your surroundings and see the beauty God has made, that has already been planned and is slowly blossoming around you. Trust the timing of the omnipotent and omniscient One.  

LOVER of my SOUL

I had this brilliant idea today to pull out my old journal from 2008-2010 and read through it. It was cool to reminisce and whatnot, but it was probably more detrimental to my emotional status than beneficial.

Why? Because 1) I realized how little I've actually changed since then, in some ways. 2) My love life was much more exciting back then, which is definitely a depressing thought. 

As far as changing, I know that in many ways- such as goals, convictions, basic interests, and worldview- I am very much the same. However, the one area that I would hope to be most different is the one that I realized was most lacking in maturity: my everyday walk with Christ. Sure, my faith is more solid now and my convictions more sturdy and my experiences more widespread. But when it comes down to it, I'm the same 15-year-old girl who's scared to trust God and super self-focused. 

Grow me, God. 

A certain sign of grace is this: that from broken earth, flowers come up, pushing through the dirt.

SECONDLY. Let's get one thing straight: God is a GREAT romancer. If you read my blog semi-regularly you probably kind of remember my Valentine's Day post from a London Starbucks this year about being in love with God for the first time. Well I'm not really sure when it happened, but sometime between then and about a month ago, I'd kind of let that side of mine & God's relationship die. I mean, I'll do all the 'Christian' things to do, but when it comes down to letting my heart be wooed by this Being who created everything and still had my life planned before time began... that kinda weirds me out and I just let it go. 

And at some point, he got sick of not having it apparently, because all the sudden my heart was being pursued again. Not that he ever stopped, but I'd built such a wall of unbelief up that He couldn't really get through it, I guess. Well, being in the Word a lot and being vulnerable to his life-changing tends to alter that kind of thing pretty quickly. 

So a couple days ago, as I was having my nightly date with Him, I remembered a song we once sang in youth choir, the lyrics of which absolutely wrote out my heart's words. 

"And in the night I will sing Your praise, my Love. And in the morning, I'll seek Your face, my Love. And like a child I will dance in Your presence, Oh let the joy of Heaven pour down on me. I still remember the first day I met You and I don't ever want to lose that fire, my First Love!"

Though my life is far from perfect, and I am far from perfect... at the end of the day, I am His. I am loved by Him and NOTHING can stop that or separate me from that permanently. I love Him, in a way I can't thoroughly explain. If I could, I would just hang out with him one-on-one all the time and just sing and dance and write to Him. I don't want to lose that joy He's poured out on me- I really do remember the first day I met Him and gave into His pursuit... I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THAT.

So I'm just sitting here pondering how He could love me so greatly, and I remembered an old hymn that I really like: Jesus, Lover of my Soul. and it just hit me... HE IS THE LOVER OF MY SOUL. He is the ONLY Lover of my soul. He is the ONLY ONE who has ever loved my soul, and the only One who will ever love me/my soul to this great of a depth.

JUST WHOA.

I think the thing that most gets me about this is: I am kind of a boring person. I don't like any extremely out of the ordinary things. I don't do outrageous things. I like school and my family and I have a plain old  "got-saved-when-I-was-nine" testimony. My whole life, I've beens striving to find the one thing that will set me apart and make me more lovable/likeable/intruiging/inspiring/accepted/attractive/fillinyourownwordhere. I feel plain and boring and don't have anything necessarily special about me except for my fingerprints.

The fact that God knows that, and He made me this way, and He is THE SOLE LOVER OF MY SOUL- the only One who knows the most... yet still loves the most- absolutely KILLS me. HE IS SO GOOD! I'm really grateful that He not only created my vanilla-ness, but He celebrates it, and rejoices over it, and delights in it, and just LOVES it. Doesn't that prove all over again his awesomeness.

I wanna sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat. This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace; it overwhelms me.