welcome to midnight.

Do you ever feel like your path with God is a big ol' question mark, instead of a straight line like it seems it should be? 2018 has been that for me. Don't get me wrong, it has been one of the best years of my life, but it has also been one of the most trying years in every way. This year has been wibbly-wobbly, unsteady, and constantly changing.

I found out my school was closing. I left my job. I got married. We moved to a new city. He got a job, I didn't. I was unemployed. My sister left the country for two years. I worked part-time. We found a church. We found out my mother-in-law's cancer came back. We had to make new holiday plans and traditions. We had our first holiday season without Lauren.

It's been a lot of change, and I've been a heck of a mess. Through it all, through all the tears and doubts and questioning God's purpose in this wiggly question-mark-of-a-path, I found He was building a new foundation of trust in Him. I realized He was building my faith muscle the only way it can be built- by working it out. He was training me in discipline and faithfulness. All those days of wondering where He was leading and what my next step should be were like the marathon-training before you actually take the steps down the road. I felt like I was running in place, and I kind of was, and maybe it benefitted me.

I feel like I've grown more in 2018 than I have in many years. Thinking back across all of these months, I began trying to sum up the main lessons I've learned this year. I won't ramble too much about it, but if you'd like more details or would like to talk about any of these points, I'm more than happy to hear your thoughts and questions and share mine as well. 

Some things I learned and grasped tightly to in 2018: 

• I refuse to spend my life trying to make myself skinnier or smaller or less. I will not be mean to my body just because I have been conditioned to believe that big numbers are shame-inducing and fat is bad. Body positivity and fatness are such complex issues that cannot be neatly summed up, but this year I really started to live happily in my body and be proud of it and treat it well. Fat is not bad. My body has much more purpose than pleasing others. I like to work these abs out, and also feel my belly soft and squishy when it's relaxed. This year, I finally stopped wanting my body to be something other than what it is, and it has been so freeing to not constantly live at war with myself. 
• Responding to conflict with rigidity and harshness only worsens the problem. The only 100% effective method to solving interpersonal issues is selfless kindness. Whether you're a teacher, a friend, a sister, a coworker... all the people around you want from you is kindness. The only way to soothe and resolve problems is to approach them gently and lovingly.
• God is always always always providing and caring for His flock. Even when it feels like He left. Even when you made a decision and then realize it might have been the wrong one. Even when it is down to the very last second. Even when it has been three years, and you thought that stir in your heart had died... He is growing you. He is providing you with lifelong treasures. He is teaching you the priceless gift of learning to walk with sorrow and suffering as your closest companions. He is gifting you a present, painting you a future, and redeeming you a past more beautiful than any earthly accomplishment or item you could ever covet.
• The best gift you can ever give anyone is to be a soft place for them to land. My favorite moment this Christmas (maybe this whole year) was sitting across the kitchen table from my mom, cutting up food for Christmas recipes, talking about our pain and being a little weepy together. You can take all the jewelry, books, tickets, clothes, and cute stuff away from Christmas, and that's enough for me. If you're left with time spent beside loves ones cooking and watching tv and talking about tough subjects, it was worth it all. In three years- heck, 3 MONTHS- I won't remember what I got for Christmas, but I'll remember sitting in the Alabama Theatre sandwiched between my brother and my husband, watching my parents hold hands, singing Hark The Herald Angels Sing and feeling like I was living in It's A Wonderful Life. The best parts of this year were when I was able to be fully myself, ugly parts and all, and was embraced and loved in the midst of it. 

I hope you found some hopeful lessons and grasped tightly to them, too. I hope you discovered parts of yourself that you didn't even know were so strong and beautiful. I hope you began to see another human's extraordinary magic (to steal Ben Rector's words) and felt the miracle of love. I hope your eyes were opened to areas of God's heart that are so much deeper and kinder than you were ever taught.

This year, I met some darkness that I didn't see coming. I felt, for a bit, like more of a burden than a light. You've probably felt that way before, too. Before this year ends, take some time to celebrate the small victories and pinpoints of light in your life. Don't give up. Let this new year be one that you look back on as the year everything changed for the better. On New Years Eve, I always think of these words from one of my favorite authors, Jamie Tworkowski. 

"Wouldn't it be nice if change took just a moment?

Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

Midnight and we're new. Midnight and the past erased. Midnight and we're free.

It seems to come slow. It seems to be a surgery.

Forgiveness. Healing. Sobriety. Letting go. Starting over.

It seems to happen slowly over time. 

One day at a time, the choice made new each morning.

Will you fight?

Will you fight to be healthy?

Will you fight to be free?

Will you fight for your story?
Will you fight to get the help you need?

Change takes more than a moment, but maybe there's also something to this celebration of a moment, something to the way it speaks to us, something to the way we fear it, and dream it to be true. Maybe it's the most honest moment of the year.

It's possible to change.

Welcome to Midnight."

--------

I cannot close this blog without mentioning some of the art and artists who made this year lovely for me. Not sponsored, just honestly enjoyed:

books
The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
Remember God by Annie F. Downs
Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher
Body Positive Power by Megan Jayne Crabbe

albums
Magic by Ben Rector
Look Up Child by Lauren Daigle
CRAZYTALK by Mat Kearney
Let It Be Jesus by Christy Nockels

songs
I Was Here by Beyoncé
Pieces by Amanda Cook
The Heart That Slows Down by Canyon City
Simple Gifts (American Shaker song)

weblog the fourth: in which she empathizes and quiets down

I've recently become obsessed with Colbie Caillat's new song "Try" (you should definitely go watch the video here and let your life be changed). Basically it's about all the things we do to try to make people like us, when in the end we really don't have to try, or throw ourselves at things that mean nothing. We find beauty in being human, being vulnerable, and being who we were created to be; that is enough. It's a message that I struggle so much with accepting, and one that I love seeing other people encourage, so of course I'm absolutely in love with the song.
The other day as I was driving to Mississippi, I was listening to one of my all-time favorite musical soundtracks: Matilda. (yes, it's a musical and it's so much better than the movie. if you don't know about it, educate yourself here and you're welcome for me introducing you to your new love). There's this song titled 'Loud', in which Matilda's mother tells her that being her weird, quiet self isn't good enough.
"Oh, no one's going to listen if you don't stand out!

No one's going to listen if you don't shout out!

No one's going to care if you don't care!

So go and put some highlights in your hair!
'Cause you've gotta highlight what you've got!
Even if what you've got is not a lot!
The less you have to sell, the harder you sell it!
The less you have to say, the louder you yell it!
The dumber the act, the bigger the confession!
The less you have to show, the larger you dress it!

You've gotta be loud!

Give yourself permission to shine,

Stand out from the crowd!..."

In the musical, that number is over-the-top and gaudy and, of course, loud. But it points out an invaluable truth: there is always going to be someone to tell you that you aren't enough. You have to yell, you have to always stand out, always be perfect, whatever it may be. Sometimes that voice is your own.

But I love how "Loud" is juxtaposed with another song, one that Matilda sings, called "Quiet".

"But I wonder if inside my head

I'm not just a bit different from some of my friends...

And when everyone shouts like they seem to like shouting

The noise in my head is incredibly loud!...
And it's burning inside me, but usually fades.
But it isn't today!
And the heat and the shouting. And my heart is pounding.
And my eyes are burning. And suddenly everything, everything is...
Like silence, but not really silent. Just that still sort of quiet.
Like the sound of a page being turned in a book.
Or a pause in a walk in the woods.
Like silence, but not really silent. Just that nice kind of quiet.
Like the sound when you lie upside down in your bed.
Just the sound of your heart in your head.

I'm sorry, I'm not quite explaining it right.

the noise becomes anger and the anger is light

Quiet

Quiet

And though the people around me, their mouths are still moving, the words they are forming cannot reach me anymore!

And it is quiet, and I am warm like I've sailed into the eye of the storm."

And it's at that point that Matilda realizes she is comfortable just being herself. Being quiet, thinking deep thoughts on her own, and being different from what people tell her she should be. 

I am so often the girl in the Colbie Caillat song trying too hard. 

I am Matilda's mother, telling others to be louder and flaunt it and be selfish. 

I am Matilda, succumbing to these commands that myself and others give me, then suddenly realizing I prefer the quiet. I prefer not wearing makeup. I prefer reading books. I prefer having mosquito-bitten legs from summer evening adventures. I like myself the way I am and don't feel the need to have a thigh gap or bigger boobs or better hair. 

And though the world's motto is often, "No one's gonna listen if you don't shout. No one's gonna care if you don't care," I have to disagree.

I think that people listen most when you whisper. When you empathize. When you're there. When you do life with them. 

I think that people care most when they know you care. When they see you constantly being the one who cares more, and they realize that you have some battle scars, but empathizing and caring has made your life gilded with so much more hope and bravery. When you make them realize that being who you were made to be, and not trying so hard, and not shouting so loudly is the most brilliant way to live, because then you can be the person YOU want to be, not the person everyone tells you that you should be. 

My hero, Hannah Brencher, founder of MoreLoveLetters, shared her thoughts on this in today's Monday Morning Mail: "I will naturally expect the best out of you. And maybe you'll let me down. But I will expect the best out of you again. That has nothing to do with how I hope you will show up for me, specifically. It has to do with how badly I want you to show up for your own life. That's where my expectations lie-- in the hope that you will see at the end of your longer days that you were made for so much more than an "okay" life...

People show up. And they eventually stop listening to their own fear. And they care too much. And they are willing to move heaven and earth for other people. And I don't think it is our job to step in and tell them to stop. Maybe it's just our job to watch, listen, follow, learn, and question: what makes a person do life like that? It might be great expectations, or it might just be a fear that is so big, it swallows all the other fears combined: if you don't step out into the life you want, no one else will ever do it for you. If you don't become the person you've always wanted to be, that person will never exist and the world will never know what it missed."

weblog the third: in which she reads a book that changes things

This leads me into my next big news, about a life-changing book and a funeral for a dream.

Back in April, I began reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, because it had sat unread on my shelf for several years and I was curious. So I began reading this book that’s basically journal entries and prayers and wisdom from her college-aged years, when she first met and fell in love with Jim Elliot (the missionary to Ecuador’s Quichiua Indians, whom the movie The End of the Spear is about). The book is a lot less about physical purity than I assumed it would be, honestly, and much more about the waiting process God called her to- and calls many of us to- in that time of her life. One specific chapter discussed her realization that God was killing her to lay down her dreams of falling in love with and marrying Jim, without the promise of them ever being resurrected.

Earlier in the book, she quoted that great man Oswald Chambers, “If I hold spiritual blessings or friendship for myself, they will corrupt me, no matter how beautiful they are. I have to pour them out before the Lord, give them to Him in my mind, though it looks as if I am wasting them, even as David poured the water out on the sand, to be instantly sucked up.” She went on to say for herself, “God gives us material for sacrifice. Sometimes the sacrifice makes little sense to others, but when offered to him is always accepted. What was the ‘point’ in God’s asking Abraham for the sacrifice of his beloved son, Isaac? The story has often been attacked as ‘pagan’ and has been grossly misunderstood. Our offerings to Him may very likely be seen as senseless or even fanatical, but He receives them. Jesus received the precious ointment from the worshipping woman, although those present thought it a foolish waste… I have tried to explain it sometimes to people who are lonely and longing for love. ‘Give it to Jesus,’ I say. The loneliness itself is material for sacrifice. The very longings themselves can be offered to Him who understands perfectly.”

It was at that point that I began realizing what God was preparing in my heart, but wasn’t sure how it would be played out. I knew I was soon to be giving up something, but as I was still unsure what that something was, I continued on my merry way.

One night as I was reading, God slayed me. I was reading and pondering and before I could even process my own thoughts, He slipped in with them and said, "You have to sacrifice London."

and I lost it.

Weeping. slight hyperventilation. inability to process.

Not London, God. You gave me that dream. It was Yours, it is what You made me for. Why would I need to kill it now?

and doggone it, wouldn't you know He reminded me of Abraham. Now I know I wasn't sacrificing a child or anything, but I quite understood Abraham in that moment. This thing that God promised me and gave me many years ago as a hope for my future was now being taken from me, and I was being commanded to kill it. 

It was as I read the words, "How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ, if we had nothing to submit?" that the truth was pounded home. This was my thing to submit. London was what was standing between myself and my Christ.

And I must be honest, my first answer was "NO." 

I requested advice from a couple close friends, and got exactly the words back that I didn't want to hear. 

"I know it's hard, but you know you have to do it, Becca."

ARGH YES I KNOW BUT I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD RUN FROM GOD WIIIIITH ME ON THIS ONE GUYS COME ON.

So I told God my honest answer, "I want to say no, God. I want to tell you that you can never have London back, that it's mine and not Yours. But we know how that would go and how miserable I would be. So let me just say I'm not sure yet. I can't give you an absolute yes right now. I want to be able to, I want to have the faith to know that when I kill this, you will bring beautiful fruit out of that ground it falls into. But I don't trust that yet. I'm not certain that You will handle this in a way that satisfies me so right now I'm just saying I don't know. It's not a yes or a no, but it's honest and it's from my heart and I hope that's good enough for you."

And wouldn't you know that in just a few days, He tenderly knocked on my heart again and held His hand out for me to place London in the palm of His hand. And I did it tearfully and a large part of me went with it. 

But that's what happens when things die. When something or someone you love dies, part of you dies too. Those memories and hopes can never be made alive again the same way they once were. You can only hope that as you lay that dead thing in the ground and cover it with unworthy soil and water it with your own bitter tears, that one day, some better, more beautiful and exquisite fruit will arise from the ground. You can only trust that whoever is laying that dead thing in the ground knows what they're doing and knows how to make life out of dead things. Because you know someday you're really going to need it.

But for now, London has died. The part of my heart that held onto hopes of returning and living happily ever after has been given away to Someone that I really hope knows life the way I think He does. I water the ground where that dead dream lies, and I wait. 

Not because I love living in America that much, or because I love being with my family that much, or because I love doing life with my friends and Casey that much, or even because I love Jesus that much. 

But because Jesus has that much of me. He owns, controls and has more of me that anything or anyone else has. So when He tells me to kill this dream that was birthed not too long ago, I know that He has a purpose that is more intoxicatingly wonderful than I could hope or dream or understand. In the meantime, while I talk about this thing in my life that was once so alive but is now dead, He is making me.

Making me: to know Him, to know I need Him, to know I love him, to dream of Him alone. He is making me fully His.

(click to continue to weblog the fourth)

/He came among us at Christmastide/

One thing I love but hate about the Christmas season is how emotional it makes me. Mix finals with a month-long family reunion, memories of the past, missing school friends, and all the Jesus stuff and it just gets really messy.
I feel like all the relational/familial emotion stuff explains itself so let's skip straight past that to the Jesus stuff that really gets me.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just that I always drift away from Him while I'm at school. Maybe it's just that I let myself forget, outside of the Christmas season, that Jesus was actually a HUMAN PERSON.
Whatever it is, once this time of year comes and everything seems to hit me all at once, I'm continually a ball of tears.
Today, it finally began hitting.
I went to the Crossgates Christmas program and cried for about half of it. Granted, most of the tears were over how much I wish my family were there with me, or that I were at home watching my church's Christmas program. BUT, there were loads of tears and mascara streaks over the Jesus part.

He, the baby Messiah, was born into a sin-obsessed world. The ultimate Savior- fully God and fully man- came to a weary world clothed as "a little baby thing that made a woman cry" (eloquence courtesy of J. Vernon McGee). The Bible straight-up tells us that He was "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" and that we, the billions of people He came to seek and save, "esteemed Him not" (Isaiah 53).

JESUS DID NOT HAVE TO DIE.
He's fully God- He could easily have saved everyone from their sins by some awesome loophole and not have had to be crucified and resurrected and so on.
BUT HE DID ANYWAY.
Why? I'm sure there's some great theological answer to this.
My answer: because He's just that loving.
He knew these now-sin-obsessed people He had created to be obsessed with His glory would need something to grasp on to. Something that made Him like them. Something that was more convincing than "just because".
He died because he knew I, Becca Stovall, would be too emotional to handle life on my own. He knew I would need someone who had come before and been familiar with every pain, joy, and temptation that I've encountered, to rely on. He knew my heart before it existed.
That is why He came.

One of my favorite Christmas songs this year is I Wonder As I Wander. The lyrics say,
"I wonder, as I wander out under the sky, how Jesus the Savior did come for to die for poor ordinary* people like you and like I. I wonder, as I wander out under the sky.
If Jesus had wanted for any wee thing- a star in the sky, or a bird on the wing, or all of God's angels in Heaven for to sing- He surely could have them for He is the King."
*(sometimes I like to pretend she says "ornery" instead of "ordinary" here, because it's funny and because most days I'm more ornery than ordinary.)

This song basically lays out my heart's questions. If Jesus ever wanted anything, he could have it. So why did he come to die for poor, ornery/ordinary people like ME? Why did he want to do that?

I still haven't solidified the answer in my heart. I'm still kind of wrung up over the fact that He DIED for little selfish me.
Then He rose again to seek me out and save me.
What a good Shepherd He truly is!

As much as I hate the fact that I am so sinful/selfish/prideful/dirty and He came for me anyway, I can't help but beg Him to keep coming and reminding and redeeming and renewing and doing this nuts emotional thing each Christmas.
Because maybe it isn't just me. Maybe He's moving in other hearts for our good and His glory!

"O come, O come, Emmanuel, and random captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here, until the Son of God appear. Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel!

O come, Desire of Nations, bind in one the heart of all mankind. Bid thou our sad division cease, and be Thyself our King of Peace. Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel!

O come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer our spirits by Thine advent here. Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death's dark shadows put to flight. Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel!"

Maybe the more we beg Him to come, the closer He draws to each one of us.
I'm reminded of yet another Christmas song that states so simply how we should respond to His coming, His Emmanuel-ness, His being WITH US:
"He came among us at Christmastide- at Christmastide in Bethlehem. Men shall bring him, from far and wide, Love's diadem. JESUS, JESUS! Lo, He comes and loves and saves and frees us!…

Thou my lazy heart hast stirred, Thou, the Father's eternal Word. Greater than aught that ear has heard, Thou tiny bird of Love, Thou Son of Mary...

Little man and God indeed, Little and poor: Thou art all we need. We will follow where Thou dost lead, and we will heed our brother, born of Mary."

It sums everything up.
He came.
We worshipped.
He loves, saves, frees.
We responded.
We follow Him.
We love our brothers.

It's crazy to me how much sense it all makes. Despite its craziness, despite Jesus being UTTERLY NONSENSICAL…
It fits.
Mostly because my heart has a that-sized hole that it's constantly seeking to fill.

I pray (literally), this Christmastide that you, reader, remember and realize that He was a human.
He was a little boy who had to be taught to eat and walk and talk and read.
He was a young man who had to learn to obey and follow and trust.
He was a King who came to teach us to live his radical, nonsensical way.
He is still alive- remembering His human experiences and sorrows and being the best High Priest possible for us.
I pray that you catch a glimpse of His great goodness.
I pray that you cry a few tears over who He is and what He's done- or maybe more than a few.
I pray that you experience the realness of The Almighty God, creator of forever and stars and sunflowers and nucleotides, molding your life and blowing your mind and coming like the winter snow to wreck you in the best possible sense.

London Flashbacks- Volume 2

QUOTES of the SEMESTER:

"My life is SO. HARD." -Christy

"Cutting off heads: an old English pastime." -Mr. Rumbelow 

"Oh dear, don't die! Think how inconvenient it would be!" -Dr. Bracken

Stutz: Does anyone have scissors so I can cut this tag off?

Michelle: No, but we have STEAK KNIVES!

"I've never actually counted how many putti there are, but there are PLENTY of putti- a PLETHORA of PUTTI!" -Dr. Bracken

"My hound found a round pound on the ground, how profound!" -....getting cheesy on the Shakespeare/Dickens walking tour

"Micheal just wants to see my lips." -Stutz

>>insert any other quotes from the back of the coach that are unsuitable for public audiences<<

Dr. Price: It's like when the father pushes his adorable 2 year old daughter on the swing and she flies off and hits her head! It isn't funny, and yet we laugh!

Micheal: (under his breath) and then it turns into a dead baby joke.

"Zeus was always flying down to earth and getting off to some hanky-panky..." -Mrs. Molly

Micheal: Hey bro!

Stutz: I can't be your bro today, my hair is down!

"What a DIRTY slide! Look at that big, dirty fingerprint at the top! How REVOLTING!" -Dr. Bracken

"Micheal is the king of all my world.....

Please don't judge me for saying that." -Jordan

"Oh, no!......" -Cortez, as the owl flies off

"Pain is weakness leaving the body! Oh no, wait.... that's my skin leaving the body." -Stutz

Dr. Bracken: She's either taking her stockings off, or putting them on, depending on how you look at it *smug smile*

Micheal: (under his breath) Or depending on whether you're an optimist or a pessimist...

Cortez: A HORSE!

Dr. Bracken: *dryly* Well-spotted.

Me: I really like this butt warmer.

Stutz: It really likes your butt... *creepy voice* and I can't blame it.

Stutz: What was the title of Harvey's book on his embryonic egg research?

Shell: "I LIKE CHICKEN!" 

(oh, the things finals week does to you)

"Just so you know, it would be 14 euro, but I will give you special price because it's Sunday. And because it's you and it's me." -Fernando (from Salzburg)

(IN SCOTLAND)

Me: Who's that statue of?

Stutz: Lewis and Clark. 

Me: Really?!

Me: That's like the Tesco headquarters, guys!!

Shell: So THAT'S where the magic happens!

and our VERY FAVORITE...

"FLAG THAT!"

dancing through life

deep breath.
where do I even begin?
first, to clear my mind: I hate slow wi-fi. it makes skyping really hard. I feel terrible for spending so much money, but then again I knew this was coming and have been preparing for it for over a year. I miss my family, and it's only been 10 days. I just need hugs. being a grown-up and scheduling flights, train rides, and hotels for weekend trips is NOT fun, only tough. I also miss my home church and really need to just worship with reckless abandon like I can there and at Passion... people in London don't worship like that and I feel so restrained. I need more clothing (no really. I have one shirt here that is warm enough & suitable for church.) I feel like I should be spending more time out in the city exploring but I already feel like my brain is going to EXPLODE from all the new things going on around me.
so anyway, in the midst of all these weird, totally new stresses, here I am in London, England. falling in love with this city. falling in love with God in a new way. falling in love with life in a new way. I really really like it.
I can't help but be scared, though, that this is the climax of my life. I feel like surely it could never get better than this. nothing could top it, not even being in love. because for some reason, I'm thinking that being in love with the True Love, more so than I've ever been before, tops any worldly love I'll ever experience. Because maybe the creator and definition of Love himself knows how to do it better than humans do.
so anyway. I have this feeling like these three months are gonna be the best it ever gets. and God has to keep reminding me "The best is yet to come," even after I've gone back to boring old Alabama. There is beauty to be found in every place, every situation, every person. It's just not as hard to find it in London as it is in Alabama, probably because I'm so tired of Alabama that I forget to look for it and instead only see the mundane, plain, and boring.
This reminds me of a quote by Socrates we were told of during Art History on friday: "The unexamined life is not a life worth living." Obviously true, at first glance. But when I just typed that last paragraph and reminded me of this. Life before WAS dull and boring in comparison with life in London, not necessarily because it's such a new and exciting adventure (although that is part of it), but because life in London forces me to examine life. It forces me to think new thoughts and develop new convictions and ask new questions. It makes me learn new words, meet new people, examine new emotions. So then isn't that why life here feels like it's so much more worth living than life in Alabama was? Because I'm actually examining it every minute of every day? Whoa. I think that just blew my mind.
This also reminds me of Stephen Schwartz and his GENIUS musical, Wicked. One of the songs, Dancing Through Life, contains the line "Stop struggling with strife and learn to live the unexamined life!" Then it goes on to talk about taking the easy way out in every circumstance, and sloughing off responsibilities and how life is "better" that way... but the character singing, Fiyero, ends up growing out of his immaturity and changing his mind about everything he says in that song, and even falls in love with a different girl because he realizes that the unexamined life is NOT worth living after all. He comes to realize that fighting for what you care about, finding nuggets of truth in life's lessons, and struggling to understand life's curveballs makes life more vivid and enjoyable in the long run.
I feel like I'm just coming to this realization too. While I didn't exactly slough off responsibility before, I definitely didn't enjoy struggling to understand life's curveballs. I didn't enjoy examining life at all, and I am beginning to learn to. I'm sure it's a long, winding road. But I've discovered that those are the most fun roads to explore.

the real me, wedding vows, and other long, drawn-out things occupying my mind

there is so much whirling through my head right now, there is no telling what direction this blog will go. ready? set? go.
1- there is this song that randomly popped into my head tonight, The Real Me by Natalie Grant. She wrote it when she was overcoming bulimia. Honestly, I've never dealt with a straight-up eating disorder (by the grace of God!) but the whole self-confidence thing is a consistent issue, as well as body image. and can I just say that Natalie Grant's lyrics hit me where it hurts so good? Ya know what I mean? It's like finally stretching that muscle back out that's been cramping all day. It hurts but you know it's making it better. Yeah, that. Let me share, please...

The Real Me- Natalie Grant 

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?
[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

(Chorus)

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

(Chorus)

just whoa. do you see it, too? He sees wonder and beauty when He looks at us. He sees His masterpiece that is made exactly how he wanted it- flaws and all. Perfect, under the blood of the Lamb. And he takes the ripped up pieces of us that we leave behind, and when we finally come to the breaking point and turn back to Him and beg for redemption, He brings out this glorious quilt he's been making. Isn't is always the old, worn ones that are the warmest and most comfortable anyway? Beauty from ashes. Strength from pain. A quilt from worn-out scraps. How fantastic an image! 

2- wedding vows. for some reason there have been a lot of proposals and engagements and weddings and wedding photos lately. so on my nightly walk over to Aven to practice/study, I was pondering these things, and the difference in men & women, and the spaghetti/waffle brain thing (women are spaghetti- all attached and all over the place, men are waffles- all segmented and some are just empty). And for some reason I started thinking about wedding vows, specifically the part about "having and holding" from your traditional vows. "To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do us part" And I dunno, maybe it's just my weird, convoluted way of thinking, but I realized that maybe that half of each of these is for each spouse. To have- for the women (what girl doesn't want to just HAVE someone who is there for her and loves her as-is?) To hold- for the men (Since they tend to be more physically driven than women... or whatever). To love- men ("Husbands, love your wives...") to cherish- women (cherish= care for someone lovingly... your typical 50's housewife kinda deal). In sickness- men (I know everyone wants to be taken care of when sick, but with girls, it's a MUST. guys, DO THIS.) and in health- women (... it's like the wife takes pride in her husband's strength, health, and ability to keep a job & provide for his family). Forever.

ok, I hope that makes sense because I will now stop expounding and stovallogizing.

3- finals. are. killing. me. I am being swallowed whole by this music major lifestyle. and while I love it, I'm not willing to give my whole self to it/ sell my soul. so in this respect, I am SO looking forward to the London semester... it's greatly needed. in my head now: ars nova. ars cantus mensurabilis. prolation- imperfect/perfect. Boethius. aulos. cantus. canticle. Kyrie, Gloria, Credo, Santus, Agnus Dei. trope. Winchester Troper. Squarcialupi Codex. Landini. Hildegard of Bingen (1094 C.E.), Ordo Virtutum. musica enchiriadis. and more (thanks for letting me get that out, I felt like my head was literally about to explode). 

4- also: MENC Christmas party. ambassadors Christmas party. all this stupid commercialized, marketed Christmas stuff. Jesus is all that matters, y'all. for real. 

5- I'm not alone in that girlish wish of a relationship->marriage->family->babies, right? because right now, I just want to know God has that in my future. which, honestly, that wish changes from day to day/hour to hour. sometimes I just want to live a life of celibacy as an Italian version of Mother Theresa (India is too dirty for me to handle...). basically, I just want to know WHAT God has in my future. which reminds me:

EXPERIENCING GOD. READ IT. I am now, and it's completely revolutionizing my thought process and relationship with God. and as it SO well-addressed this topic the other night...

"'What is God's will for my life?' is not the best question to ask. I think the right question is simply, 'What is God's will?' Once I know God's will, then I can adjust my life to Him and His purposes. In other words, what is it that God is purposing where I am? Once I know what God is doing, then I know what I need to do. The focus needs to be on God and His purposes, NOT MY LIFE! ...The Plan He has for your life is based on what He is doing in His world. He has a great purpose in mind for all humankind throughout all time. His desire is for you to become involved in what He is doing. Finding out what He is doing helps you know what He wants you to do through you." (emphasis mine)

and on that humbling and thought-and-prayer-provoking note, I will bid thee adieu. 

sleep well, sweet readers.