Wednesday, November 24, 2010

the cry of my heart. currently.

dear God... you know all the emotions that are welling up in my heart right now. you know how much I yearn to spend that semester in London. you know how much my heart longs for love, and how absolutely magical it would be to fall in love in Europe. and you know how much that has occupied my thoughts lately and how much I honestly want that... although I really don't want to admit it.
and as I type this, my heart aches a little more. not because I'm longing even more for love. or even because I feel lonely. it throbs with the realization that I should care more about your love and OUR relationship than anything else. and, of course, I don't. which breaks my heart a little bit less than it should.
God, is it wrong for me to wish for that human affection? to wish that I could be held by a man that loves me? to wish that maybe, I could possibly get into the London semester program. and that maybe, I'll fall in love with someone on that trip with me. and that maybe, I could get my first kiss while riding on a gondola or visiting St. Nicholas' Church in Steventon?
and I come to the conclusion that it isn't wrong. it's natural. the only thing that's wrong about it is when I place that wish about my desire to grow closer to you & when I seek that dream before I seek Your kingdom. but quite honestly, at this point, anything I'm doing or thinking about semi-regularly in my life is above you. because in my heart I know the good thing I ought to be doing- reading Your word every morning and seeking You to see what you have laid out for me. and I'm not.
is that equivalent to living in sin?
I think I just condemned myself.
so here we go, God. listen to me for just a second, then I'll shut up and listen to You.

I stand alone,
unsure of where to go.
I know that at this rate
I'll be arriving anywhere late.
because my heart,
it's so jaded.
do you see my dreams?
they're all so faded.
the only thing I'm sure of
is the fact of Your love.
how it seeks me out
and blows me away
and how you keep me alive
to be your witness every day.
I see the raw truth-
I can't get away from you-
of how my sin
has hemmed me in.
I can't break free...
Lord, Please help me.
I have doubts.
I have fears.
I've stopped listening to you,
it's like I have no ears.
I've stopped putting You first,
and lost every hint of thirst.
just use me.
use me.
i'm nothing but
a broken vessel.
i'm useless, but
i won't even wrestle
with you.
not any more.
I'm alone.
I'm done for.
so rescue me.
save me from myself.
You know I can't make it
when I don't have your help.
in fact, I fall flat
on my face,
eat the dirt,
fall from grace
when I take control
and forget Your plan.
it's not that I need help:
I need Your saving hand
to scoop me up
strip me of my chains.
I need you to take over.
I've got nothing left to gain.
there's nothing to lose,
so here I choose
my only option left:

welcome to midnight.

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