Friday, November 27, 2009

Praise You In This Storm

I'd never been flat out rejected. Never been straight-up told, "I don't want to be with you anymore."
Never, that is, until now.
Of course, there was never anyone that really needed to tell me that, so I'd never experienced that kind of pain. It had always been I that had ripped out my own heart. And then... I gave someone else the chance to do that. And he did, sure enough. Sure, sometimes the pain is invisible or just disappears momentarily. But there was something that ripped..... There had to have been something that happened to cause such pain. So much that I go hoarse when I sing certain songs because the memory of it all overwhelms me to the point that I can't do anything but cry, and I do good to breathe enough to get all the tears out before my eyes flood. At those times, as the remembrance overwhelms my mind, my chest tightens. And, try as I might, I can't stop the tears from coming. The need to hate or hurt something, ANYTHING, in order to stop this feeling. To get control of SOMETHING. Because the rest of me is so out of control. But despite all that, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me, or had any malicious intentions. but he's gone now, all the same. and my heart sometimes throbs with the ache of emptiness that echoes in his part of it. lost hopes. broken memories. But at least he didn't leave me for someone else, or cheat on me, or even gotten sick of me (to my knowledge). It wasn't me, he said. He claimed he still liked me (was it just to make me feel better, I wonder?). He said he just wasn't ready for it; didn't like being in a relationship. I guess it just goes to prove that guys do mature slower than girls. and no offense meant by that, males. it's simply scientific. but anyway... I just began experiencing a new and different pain. Pain that this time, it's definitely over. Pain of how horrible a person I must be to have felt so relieved. because I knew it was coming, and I'm partially just glad that the breaking up process was so short. Like ripping off a bandaid. But just because the process was short doesn't mean the aftereffects will be. Yet true healing takes time, I suppose. and I'm taking comfort in the fact that God takes away the good to give you something better. I'm trusting His perfect plan for me- that will prosper me, and give me a hope & a future. No matter how long it takes, I will let Him use this time as He wishes, to grow me and prepare me for my future.
..."The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear. And I don't know the reason why You've brought me here. But just because You love me the way that You do, I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to."...
..."And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain- 'I'm with you.' And as Your mercy falls I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. And I will praise You in this storm, and I will life my hands. For You are who You are- no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You've never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm."
{journaled on November 3rd}

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Sometimes I wonder if it's all just words. If everything people say, is only said for the purpose of being said. With no meaning, no heart, no intentions. I wish it weren't, and hope it isn't. But it simply seems so logical. If people will lie to get what they want, then surely they will just as soon say things they don't mean to get what they want. I realize that that's a very cynical way to look at the world. But recent and past experiences lead me to believe that this is very accurate. Not always, and not with all people. But with many people and most of the time, humans will say (or do) anything they can to get their way in life- including spitting out meaningless words. I do think, though, that sometimes people don't even realize that there is no heart in their dialogue. We are all guilty of occasional empty language, so to speak. But some of us more so than others... including me. I've found myself lately really examining what I tell people. Do I do what I say I will do? When I tell someone I love them, am I just saying it, or am I promising them that? If I compliment someone, do I really like their shirt or do I only say it to get their attention or to look good?
I once heard a poem that went something like this:
"You are writing a gospel,
A chapter each day,
By the deeds that you do
And the words that you say.
Men read what you write,
Distorted or true.
What is the gospel
according to you?"
Read that again.
Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Is everything that comes out of your mouth helpful to others?
Does it enourage them? Build them up? Give them hope? Help them feel loved?
Or does it leave them discouraged, torn down, hopeless and feeling unworthy?
In Proverbs 15:4, Solomon instructs us: "The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."
God can use our words to help others, to benfit them, to heal them. But if we aren't careful with what we say and purposeful with our words, then that same mouth that speaks beneficial things, can stab hearts. It can tear down, discourage, and crush spirits. As much as we may try to be careful with our words, we'll all mess up sometimes. It's because we're fallen humans.
But that doesn't mean we should give up trying to be helpful with the words we speak. We shouldn't say, "Well no matter how hard I may try, I'm still gonna mess up, so why even try?"
That's the wrong mindset.
The good our words can do, with God, is so much greater than the damage they can do.
If you want to check some of this out on your own, Proverbs is full of everyday wisdom, and
James 3 is a chapter with some great advice on handling your words.

In conclusion, I'd like to share a recent story with you. A girl I know is currently in the breaking up process, and I actually just got "broken up with" as well. Obviously, it's beneficial for us to be going through this at the same time, cuz we can share scripture with each other and encourage each other with things God has done for us... not to mention sharing our frustrations and wishes for the past... of how various people (not just our "ex"s) had not said certain things... simply because they really didn't mean what they said when they said it, or weren't to the point that they were able to support their promises. Hawk Nelson, in their song "Words We Speak", helps us realize that people will make mistakes and say things they don't mean and leave us feeling empty. But in one of the last verses, they remind us that God won't do that. He will be there for us, when we are "so much more than incomplete".

She woke up with a tear-stained pillow
She just broke up with a nice young fellow
All those tears you cry,
now it's time to say goodbye
You're on your own, you're all alone

We're better than the words you speak
So much more than incomplete
Figure out what life means out on our own
Words you say can't bring us down
We've all failed and hit the ground
Now it's time for us just to take control

Can't comply we're perfect in your eyes
We fall down but it's just a part of life

All those tears you cry,
now it's time to say goodbye
you're on your own you're all alone

We're better than the words you speak
So much more than incomplete
Figure out what life means out on our own
Words you say can bring us down
We've all failed, hit the ground
Now it's time for us just to take control

Now I'm here to let you know
That we can't make it on our own
What's mine is yours I'm letting go
You know I'd never doubt you
You know I'm lost without you
I'm giving you control

We're better than the words you speak
So much more than incomplete
Figure out what life means out on our own
Words you say can't bring us down
We've all failed, hit the ground
Now it's time for us just to take control

Monday, November 09, 2009


by Aaron Jeoffrey

In Genesis, He's the breath of life
In Exodus, the Passover Lamb
In Leviticus, He's our High Priest
Numbers, The fire by night
Deuteronomy, He's Moses' voice
In Joshua, He is salvation's choice

Judges, law giver
In Ruth, the kinsmen-redeemer
First and second Samuel, our trusted prophet
In Kings and Chronicles, He's sovereign
Ezra, true and faithful scribe

Nehemiah, He's the rebuilder of broken walls and lives
In Esther, He's Mordecai's courage
In Job, the timeless redeemer
In Psalms, He is our morning song
In Proverbs, wisdom's cry

Ecclesiastes, the time and season
In the Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream
He is, He is, HE IS!
In Isaiah, He's Prince of Peace

Jeremiah, the weeping prophet
In Lamentations, the cry for Israel
Ezekiel, He's the call from sin
In Daniel, the stranger in the fire
In Hosea, He is forever faithful

In Joel, He's the Spirits power
In Amos, the arms that carry us
In Obadiah, He's the Lord our Savior
In Jonah, He's the great missionary
In Micah, the promise of peace

In Nahum, He is our strength and our shield
In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, He's pleading for revival
In Haggai, He restores a lost heritage
In Zechariah, our fountain
In Malachi, He is the son of righteousness rising with healing in His wings
He is, He is, HE IS!
In Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, He is God, Man, Messiah

In the book of Acts, He is fire from heaven
In Romans, He's the grace of God
In Corinthians, the power of love
In Galatians, He is freedom from the curse of sin
Ephesians, our glorious treasure

Philippians, the servants heart
In Colossians, He's the Godhead Trinity
Thessalonians, our coming King
In Timothy, Titus, Philemon He's our mediator and our faithful Pastor
In Hebrews, the everlasting covenant

In James, the one who heals the sick.
In First and Second Peter, he is our Shepherd
In John and in Jude, He is the lover coming for His bride
In the Revelation, He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords
He is, He is, HE IS!
The prince of peace

The Son of man
The Lamb of God
The great I AM
He's the alpha and omega

Our God and our Savior
He is Jesus Christ the Lord
and when time is no more
He is, HE IS!

Thursday, November 05, 2009

it's not the end, the end of the world, it's just another day.

so it's officially over. the end. c'est la vie.
the first night, I cried myself to sleep...
but slowly, under the scintillating daylight, I began to heal. Slowly, I realized that God has so much better for me than what I've been settling to lately. (Now don't take that to mean that my now-ex-boyfriend was horrible or way below me or anything... that's not what I'm saying at all! He was {and is} fantastic... but he's just not the guy for me. ya know? anyway...) I'd been settling into an all-time low: expecting so little out of myself and my friends, focusing on all MY problems and that junky high school drama that matters NONE... and God had let me experience the past 6 months or so for exactly that reason. He wanted me to see beyond ME, and focus on Him. on His people. on His love.
so I began to do that, expecting that new-found pain of breaking up to last so very much longer than it did. but, shocked I was to discover this: love really does heal your heart.
I found that as soon as I focus on His loving, and pouring it out onto others, He healed me.
I am so thankful for that... but I must admit, when it first happened, I wanted to curl up in a corner and just exist. I didn't want to wake up the next morning. That may sound extreme to some... but my artist's heart just works that way. But each night I cried less, each day I was more focused. God just pulled me back to His Heart, there is no other way to explain it.

welcome to midnight.

Do you ever feel like your path with God is a big ol' question mark, instead of a straight line like it seems it should be? 2018 has bee...