Monday, August 30, 2010

blast the mozart.
play it louder, please. louder.
it's nights like this when you know that something is overworking itself in this little girl's head. the smell of coffee wafts from my door, and The Marriage of Figaro is blaring from my itunes. those two hints alone should easily demonstrate my overwhelmed-ness and exhaustion. I can't even think past what is happening at this very moment to make sure I've completed all my homework for tomorrow. thoughts whirl all through my head, too fast to grab even a single one and analyze its source and reason.
my legs ache from my workout.
my head pounds from stress.
not to mention that my prayer life has been basically nonexistent lately. is it sad that I'm too busy receiving an education and "growing up" to thank the One who gave me those things? {the correct answer is YES.}
somehow coffee, good biscotti, and some classical music ease all my woes and calms my anxious heart. and I have a strong urge that a hot shower would help that process along even farther.
God, please help me. there is no way I can do this myself! I am insanely crazy busy and emotionally exhausted, as well as physically spent. Give me vivacity to live the Crazy-loving life you've called me to. Help me rest well and awake with a fresh perspective and outlook. Hide me under the shadow of your wings, as I dwell in your shelter. Protect me. cause I am so weak and worn out I couldn't defend myself if my life depended on it {which it kind of does}. I need you, Jesus, to come to my rescue! Where else can I go? There's NO other name by which I am saved- so capture me with grace. I will follow you.

Friday, August 27, 2010

cover me with a red sky tonight, the promise of a better day to come.

life is constant insanity now. college is a totally different world! it's been really fun, but really hard adjusting so far. I miss my family. I miss knowing where everything is. but at the same time, I know this is where I'm supposed to be. so I guess I just take it as it comes and trust that He'll get me through? there are no other options.

Monday, August 16, 2010

the bare necessities.

well hello! my name is Rebecca, and most everyone calls me Becca. In my life, a whole lot of awesome stuff has occurred, and there is always too much boring in between. Among the awesome things are my little brother's birth at the time I was four years old, and he is now thirteen. I also have an older brother, named Chris, who is twenty-three years of age. Lauren, my older sister, turned twenty on March 18th this year, which just so happens to be my birthday as well
another awesome thing that has happened was when Jesus Christ saved my life. I would say he became Lord of my life, but sadly, I tend to take over the "Lord" position entirely too often. we're working on that.
additionally, I coach gymnastics, which I love with a passion. Piano is also a favorite hobby
of mine, and I hope to get a degree in Piano Music Education. Other hobbies of mine include painting,
playing guitar, babysitting, baking desserts, talking to friends, reading, anything to do with music,
and dancing. I've never taken dance lessons, but I was a competitive level gymnast for five years
and took gymnastics for eight years total.
I hope you've enjoyed reading about me, and I look forward to getting to know you soon! :)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

afahilfgeyilaghueifbhdjksghisalgruaielgiul=life makes no sense.

yet again, I find myself in a place where nothing but music makes sense. at least I have some form of a constant for the time being.
and I rejoice to know that I have a God I can trust even when he isn't there, as Dr. Robert Smith put so well.
so, here we are, lyrics currently describing my life...
I've found a little is not quite enough. I know how I can stray, and how fast my heart could change. Empty me of the selfishness inside, every vain ambition, and the poison of my pride. And any foolish thing my heart holds to, Lord empty me of me, so I can be filled with you!
I can't believe that I'm here in this place again. How did I manage to mess up one more time? This pattern seems to be the story of my life. Should've learned this lesson by the thousandth time. Cause I promised myself I wouldn't fall, but here I've fallen. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. All I can do is cry to you, O God, you have to save me! You're my last and only hope. All my right answers failed me, and I can't seem to make it on my own.
I'm staring at these empty walls, wondering when you'll visit me again. When will you come? If there is anything at all coming in between our love, please show me, cause I am barely hanging on. Can anybody hear me? The silence is deafening. Why do you seem so far away, when I know you're here with me? I just need the faith to see, nothing can separate me from your love. Believing what I can't see has never come naturally to me, and I've got questions. But I am certain of a love strong enough to hold me when I'm doubting. You'll never let go of my hand. Can anybody hear me?
I can't walk without watching where I'm going. I can't speak without knowing what to say. I can't love without any hesitation cause I know that you don't work that way... I'm not gonna fight you anymore. Not gonna try to lock the door. You took your life and gave me yours, there's no reason why I shouldn't trust you with mine.
be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side. bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide. In every change, he faithful will remain! Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
how long will this take? how much can I go through? my heart, my soul aches, I don't know what to do. I bend, but don't break, and somehow I get through, because I have you. and if I had to crawl, well you'd crawl too. I stumble and I fall, carry me through. the wonder of it all, is you see me through. O Lord, where are you? do not forget me here. I cry in silence, do you not see my tears? when all have left me, and hope has disappeared, you'll find me here.
you look around, and staring back at your another wave of doubt. will it pull you under, you wonder. what if I'm overtaken? what if I never make it? what if no one's there? will you hear my prayer? when you take that first step, into the unknown, you know He won't let you go. so what are you waiting for? what do you have to lose? your insecurity is trying to hold to you. you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move. yeah faith is all it takes and you can walk on the water too.
I am yours and you are mine. You know far better than I; and if destruction's what I need, then I'll receive it, Lord, from thee. I need you like a hurricane- thunder, crashing wind, and rain- to tear my walls down, I'm only yours now. I need you like a burning flame, a wildfire untamed, to burn these walls down, I'm only yours now. only yours now.

Monday, August 02, 2010

teacher, teacher!

my favorite part of every day I coach is always when a preschooler runs over to me and taps me on the shoulder- "TEACHER! TEACHER!" and I get to be just that- a teacher- and help them learn to do something they never have before. sure, they always fail at first. but do I simply give up on them? never.
thank you for being that, and more, to me, Father. For teaching me new skills and filling my mind with knowledge and helping me as I attempt to flesh it out. help me rely on you and cry out to you, Teacher! Teacher! every moment of my helpless life.
{journaled on 7.28.10}

welcome to midnight.

Do you ever feel like your path with God is a big ol' question mark, instead of a straight line like it seems it should be? 2018 has bee...