Wednesday, January 23, 2013

crazy dayssss

You know those days where you literally feel like you're either going to explode or melt into a sweet little puddle at any moment? The past week and a half has been those days, one after the other, bombarding me. I knew coming into this semester that it would be my toughest one so far, and that I was overcommitted and that it is only by God's grace and provision that I will survive this semester. Quite literally.
Well, today is (I believe) the worst one yet. And I knew coming in how long and exhausting and emotional it would be. The wonderful thing is, God likes to show off. So on those days that I'm so expecting them to be utterly horrible and too busy to even breathe, He showers me with joy and shadows me with Himself and sings over me through the tough stuff. Not that my life is all butterflies and unicorns. Let's be honest: some kid pooped himself at my gymnastics class today and I haven't shaved in over a week. Not to mention my almost-twenty-year-old virgin lips. My life is the weirdest combination of the most eclectic things and memories and people I could ever imagine, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm finally learning to rest in the fact that God made me to be who I am for a specific person. Not just "because He said so" but because there is something that He wants to use ME, specifically ME, to accomplish.

Let's take a minute to marvel over that one and how magnificent He is for using redeemed wretches to do His work.

Up next, let's review a little bit of the things I've committed to for this semester:
Music Major: including...
 -at least 17 055 events
 -17 credit hours=12 classes
 -insurmountable piles of homework
 -14 hours of piano practice per week
 -Women's Chamber
 -handbell choir
KT Chaplain...
 -actually a ton of fun. but I have no idea what the heck I'm doing and I'm just trusting that God does.
 -it's off campus, which has its perks and downfalls. I love being able to get out of the Bubble, even just a little bit, but rushing there and back from music events is not my favorite thing ever.
 -the kids are nutso. granted, it's preparing me for my future as an educator. however, some days I'm just tired and don't want to deal with it and it gives me headaches.

And today. I:
Woke up at 7.
Got ready.
Went & printed off my ACT scores for a class.
Found out at 7:54, when I had an 8 o'clock, that I had a paper due for our 9:25 class.
Hurriedly wrote an awful 1-page paper.
Had class.
Had class again.
Had piano. Talked about playing piano for this famous Russian pianist guy. Worried about that.
Was encouraged to change clothes before performing for The Russian, so I did.
Piano master class with The Russian.
Hurried to work!
Work. The kid who pooped his pants, or at least claimed he did. I didn't deal with it so I'm still fuzzy on that one. Also, my coworker suddenly developed multiple personalities. The funniest/weirdest thing I've seen so far this week.
I got a text from my cousin that I had texted her a bunch of gibberish at some point. That I never sent. again with the weird thing.
Had a private lesson with this sweet little girl who finally ROCKED her cartwheels. I couldn't be more proud.
Came back to school.
Got ready for The Russian's concert tonight, meaning I actually tried to look pretty and felt like I succeeded.
Had dinner. Yay for eating.
Went to The Russian's concert.
Semi-ran to KT meeting.
Gave my first devotional to the whole group. I felt like I kinda flopped it. but God's Word was read and His Word doesn't return void. It accomplishes His will and achieves the purpose for which He sends it.
Got the BeauxTie. (for non-KTers, each week the Beaux pick one sister to bestow love/encouragement/gratitude on) I seriously thought I never would get it, and God just said... Why not. :)

God is the best.
I'm overwhelmed and lacking sleep, but He is so very faithful, so very beautiful, so very WORTH IT.
He's got this.

Saturday, January 12, 2013


This day last year was arguably the best day of my life second to being saved & redeemed by Jesus Christ. 12 January, 2012.
The day I arrived in London.
The day I faced my fears.
The day I fell in love.
The day my life changed.

Don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful for that day and all that followed. I am insanely thankful that God cemented in my heart a love for London and continues to assure me that His will for me in London is not completed yet. Life now is so very different than it was a year ago, and I am grateful for how massively and magnificently God has shown up and been faithful in the big and little circumstances. I love where He has me and what He's doing here at this time...
But I want to rewind my life. I want to go back and be whole again. I want to be fully happy again. I want to be whispered to by Him as often as I was while in England (which was a lot). Not that He doesn't speak any more or I'm not mostly happy or He doesn't continue to fill me to overflowing- He does all those things and more. But knowing that life is this spectacular here, but *could be* 4x more awesome if I were in London, simply because He molded my heart to fit perfectly there... it totally kills me.
I think I've mentioned it before, how I've prayed for so many years that He would simply break me.
And He finally answered the prayer.
I am so sweetly broken in the most complex way I could imagine. I'm broken over the fact that I'm simply not home. I'm broken over the fact that it took me this long to let Him break me. I'm broken over the fact that I can't seem to be as close to Him on this side of the ocean as I was to Him while across the pond. and a few other forms of brokenness that I can't quite put a finger on.

It so utterly humbles me that every moment of my life up to that point on January 11 when I left the USA was preparation for London and Him ordering my steps. I can't believe that He could be that loving and that awesome and that wise and that magnificent and that meticulous and that excellent, that He would take the time to say,
"Look at this little 9 year old girl. She loves me, yet she doesn't know me.
I'm gonna make her want to take piano, and do cartwheels, and go to summer camp.
These things will lead her to teach music, and gymnastics, and will take her directly to the college I want her at, so that she can see flyers for a semester abroad in England and think, 'What fun! I love british accents!'
and go,
and find the reason that she is alive.
And she'll fall in love with me and I'll teach her and I'll sing to her
and we will go on great adventures together!
This innocent nine-year-old doesn't even know how I'm working in her life to consecrate her to me over the next ten years and the rest of her life!"

I am so blown away by the magnitude and depth and force of my Great God and His love.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

He makes me... loved. and happy.

^ my thoughts right now.
I usually don't blog until I have some actual purpose formulated in my mind that needs to be discussed. But this is just too good! Please forgive me while I improv-blog.

What started this? Reading back through my talking-to-God journal.
Is it ridiculous that every time I start connecting God's dots of how He's moving and providing in my life and answering even the most shallow, nonsensical prayers, that I get really excited?
Because I really do. Like, a 'five-year-old-on-Christmas' excited.
Last November, for example, I was reading through Ezekiel. On the 7th, I wrote:

"Ezekiel 4= Sometimes you call us to craziness. Help me to listen to Your call and boldly and bravely accept it."

Less than a week later, I wrote:

"I know that You will carry through on Your words, as your prove in Ezekiel 5... Help my unbelief and help me continue to wait hopefully and patiently on your plan."

Throughout this time, I was getting nervous about London and all the semester would bring. I was distracted by boys and vanity and all my lists. Now, looking back at these entries of pouring my heart out to God with my concerns and prayers- both selfish and eternal- it astounds me how even then He was providing and I was blind to it.
He was preparing my path and putting the desires in my heart to do bold, brave, crazy things for Him... like move to London. for more than just 3 months.
He was keeping me from the things I wanted but didn't really need...
like approval from the wrong people, attention from the wrong guys, and other little things that were simply ill-timed.
I vividly remember, then, being so overcome by His goodness one day, and the next day being unable to focus on anything other than some cute boy or making my hair look awesome. I'm not saying I'm perfect and over that now, but our relationship is just that: A RELATIONSHIP. Not me sliding my prayer requests under His door and trying to make Him agree with my petitions, as it was a bit over a year ago.
Another request that keeps popping up in my pre-London journaling is "pursue me, woo me, be the Lover of my soul."
And, okay, let's be real: it makes me tear up when I see it so often and know what happens next.
HE DOES IT!!!!! asfioasebituawvryilhrusilabwrulhruilavylriaegurilshutarwlagryualrgvhajslhfialegu
THE GOD. THE ONLY GOD. THE ONE WHO IS AND HAS BEEN AND WILL BE FOREVER. The One who created me and everything I know. I said, "Hey, will you love me and start teaching me to love You?" and He said "HECK YES."
I cherish London most because it's the place where He became my first Love. I've called Him that before and known what it meant, but used it cause it sounded good and spiritual.
I don't think anyone knows what it means until they get to a place where they literally cannot survive alone. While in London, I had no family or best friends within arm's reach. I was completely out of my comfort zone 24/7 and ran around like a lost duck about 95% of the time, especially toward the beginning. I had a place to stay and someone who was an authority figure over me and money to buy bread and peanut butter, yeah. Otherwise, it was just God. I had no constant emotional support. I had no mentor. I had no church family. I had no one who'd be gut honest to my face when I needed it... I was hours away from all of that.
And because this little lost girl sat on her dorm bed and said, "I don't know what I'm doing, but I know I need Your love," He walked my paths before me. He was beside me as my friend, behind me as my rear guard, above me as my mentor, around me as my family, with me as my love. He became my everything, quite literally. I didn't even know this glorious Creator of all was doing that as I prayed and worried and cried and hoped and dreamed. I couldn't feel Him holding my heart and didn't hear Him say, "I'm already here, and there, and I already love You like that." But because somewhere something told me I should pray those words, He shouted "FINALLY! She's ready." and blew me away.

This probably doesn't make sense and doesn't tie together and doesn't get you near as excited or emotional as I am. But literally SEEING my penned prayers answered, a year later, I'm beyond ecstatic and so thrilled and blown away, I did good to calm down enough to type this out and spell most everything correctly.


welcome to midnight.

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