Monday, August 27, 2012

glorious days

So I decided a few weeks ago, after reading Meg's blog about the sabbath, and seeing her talk about wanting to continue really RESTING on the Sabbath once she returned to MC, that Sunday would be my true Sabbath and I would learn to just REST in Him. Last sunday was a kinda boring one, cause there was no homework to be done or anything to begin with. But today was a complete success.
Friday I spent a good bit of time getting little stuff done like laundry, dropping by career services, friend dates, etc. I started homework but didn't get a lot done until Saturday morning, then ran some errands on Saturday that I'd been meaning to do, and I got to spend some awesome bonding time with a couple KT sisters, so I felt like yesterday was extremely successful as well. But today I decided not to stress over homework, and tried to avoid it totally. I had a LOVELY morning with my dear Kendall-twin at church, non-sunday-school (funny story... we went to sunday school and they didn't have it. so we got coffee and left), lunch, and some great dorm bonding time as well. That led to some movie-watching and a glorious nap, and a car worship date with my wonderful Meg-twin...
On the car-worship date I came so close to happy tears a couple times. As we were driving, it began sprinkling on the road ahead of us, and all the sudden there was a portion of a rainbow... then half a rainbow... then the whole semicircle of a rainbow! I've never really seen the actual base of a rainbow, like where it originates- and we saw not only the base of one side but the base of BOTH SIDES! I don't understand rainbows really well (I'm not meteorologist, that's for sure), but I know they're a promise of God's unending faithfulness to His promises. As long as rainbows are showing up, God is still enthroned on High, working in our lives, and protecting us from being utterly destroyed. At that moment, when I was jamming with Megan to "How I Love You" by Christy Nockels, and being so dramatically reminded of God's faithfulness to His great, beneficial promises to me (2. Cor. 1:20), I was overcome with His goodness. As if earlier in the day at church, and with Kendall, I hadn't been reminded enough of how amazingly GOOD He is... I was flooded with that reminder yet again. And again and again, as the car worshipping and talking about God-stuff carried on.
I returned to my room to some much-needed conversation and bonding time with the new roomie, which was absolutely superb. Finally, after being super relax-ey for way too long and feeling the need to be productive again, I did some calm homework... and can I just say this Sabbath thing is AWESOME?! I love this. I'm doing this for the rest of my liiiiifeeeee. Why did it take me until just now to realize that sometimes, God wants me to literally just BE STILL before Him and know he is God, he is good, and He is totally in control of my circumstances.... and the world. I love that.
God, thanks for being so close to me today. Thanks for drawing me into your arms and just loving on me in these odd ways that mean so much. Thank you for the friends you've provided me to celebrate You with, and for the lessons (big and small) you're teaching me each day. Order my steps with your word. Be my strength and my song. Help me to not be afraid but simply trust Your will each moment. Oh, how I love You!

Monday, August 13, 2012

struggling

Every couple of weeks, I catch up on my best friends' blogs. There are three or four that I try to stay plugged into (although I often fail at that), and lately I've been so convicted when I read each of their blogs. It's so awesome to me how God works in my friends, leads them to blog about it, and in turn works in me. I so often pray that I can be that type of vessel for His work... Honestly, it's kind of my goal in life. I think it's the highest calling of a Christian, to simply be able to be used by God. Because really, He doesn't need us at all. He can do absolutely anything He wants, anytime, with anyone. And He chooses to work through little nobodies like us, just to prove how awesome He is (that He can work through such stubborn and selfish creatures as me). Anyway, when I read my friends' blogs, I'm also convicted of my lack of empathy, my selfishness, and my vanity. They are all continually selfless, compassionate, and boast in Christ alone- I am so very blessed by them and inspired by their Christ-filled hearts!
As you probably know, I've changed a lot in the past 8 months. This period of time has been the most growth-inflicting bit I think I've ever encountered so far in my life. Honestly, it scares me a little bit. While I LOVE London and can't wait to go back, I'm scared that maybe I got it wrong somewhere, and I start thinking of all the "what-if?"s. What if God wasn't saying that London will be my home? What if I never get to go back? What if all this change in my life changes my friendships too drastically to repair? What if I DO move to London, and I have to leave all my family and friends and start an entirely new life? What if I move to London and realize it isn't really the place for me and have to come back, dragging my tail between my legs (so to speak)? I know I *should* have faith in God, and I *should* trust His every move and I *should* never question him... But goodness, we all know I'm super flawed and sinful anyway. I know I need to take every thought captive to obedience in Christ and not let my worries consume me, but this is something I really struggle with over and over. Most people have addictions to porn or alcohol or sex... my addiction is worry and fear. I can't make myself stop. I know how, but just can't seem to make it happen and the prayers don't seem to be doing much right now.
If it offends you that I'm being so doubtful in God, just stop reading. I'm not going to apologize for the genuine outpouring of my heart.
Obviously, friends, I have a lot of growing to do. I have such little faith and such big worries. I fail Him daily... which makes it even more remarkable that He still chooses to listen to me and work in and through me. His love and forgiveness is extravagant.

God, calm my anxious heart. You are sovereign over me and my circumstances. Even when I am unsure of your plan and doubt your promises, you are faithful... and I am SO grateful for that. Please don't give up on me. 

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Faithful to His promises

so here is the God-lesson that has been missing from my blog and my life lately.
I've got to be honest and say that my relationship with God is super up-and-down on my part. And month, it's been mostly down. Of course He is always so faithful to protect and provide and just be there. Of course I, being the human I am, often like to think I can take matters into my own hands. You'd think after 10 years of this being a christian thing I'd at least start to get a little better at it... but no. It seems to get worse, actually (or maybe I'm just more aware of my failures as time goes on and He sharpens me). Either way, I fail him a lot. As with the past month, I basically just stopped spending time with him. I know. WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING, BECCA?! Honestly, it became a "I'm really tired from work, so I'll let myself sleep in... oh no, don't have time for a devotional this morning, I'll do it tonight... I'm really tired from work again and would rather catch up on New Girl than feel convicted so I'll save that for later..." and so on. In hindsight, all I can think is "Seriously, how stupid can you get, self?" but I guess that makes it all the more apparent just how much I need a Savior and Lord. (note the AND Lord part. meaning I don't just need to be saved... I need to be saved, kept, and mastered by the One who can play this instrument much better than I).
Well God has this way of speaking into a believer's heart, as you probably know well (if not... talk to me. You need to get with God. He is really awesome.) and he did this to me. Every day. For the past month (and I mean, if you want to get technical, every day since the day I got saved on April 28, 2002).  Well for the past bit, in the midst of my stubbornness and being "too busy" to get to know God, He's really been tugging at me to just sit down and pour out my heart to him like I do my best friends. So I finally did. and of course, it included some tears and some whisper-screaming and a lot of brokenness. But the outcome is always worth it.
Basically, all that was said in order to say this: I find myself yet again redeemed despite my selfish stubbornness.

ALSO. Last night we had a lock-in, right? Well it went REALLY well. I absolutely loved it, even though it was exhausting. And somewhere between 2 and 4 AM, when about half the girls were asleep, I started getting all sentimental about how much I'll miss them during the school year, and how I invest so much of myself into each beautiful child and they don't even realize it... As I sat there on a big fat vault mat and looked over the gym floor at the gigglers, the sleepers, and the talkers, I realized how protective I feel over them. Every 30 minutes I got up, walked around and made sure everyone was behaving and doing well. I felt a little like a tiger on the prowl, checking for anything askew and ready to pounce on it, as I slowly padded around the gym. It didn't hit me until after I'd gotten back home today just how big that is. I've always joked about being Mother Theresa, and semi-seriously considered working at an orphanage if the marriage thing doesn't work out... but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I could do it because I feel God's called me there, whether for short- or long-term. I've already discovered that life is seriously incomplete without children in it. Which is exactly why I want to teach... but I realize now there's something to this that's bigger than just that. This is bigger than me becoming a teacher or coach or whatever. I don't know what it is yet... but I feel the promise of more.

Saturday, August 04, 2012

After not having blogged in well over a month, I am now sitting down and forcing myself to write. Where do I begin? Life is absolutely nuts-o. I've worked 5 days a week for most of the summer. It's exhausting to say the least (I mean, I basically exercise for 2-4 straight hours each day), but so very worth it. Which I'm sure I've stated before. I love my kiddos and realized Friday, on my last day of class, that they've been keeping me sane all summer and just how much I will miss them. Which is A LOT. I'm not terribly sad about it yet, though, probably because I realize I'll be coaching again in just 3 weeks.
Beyond work, my life has consisted of Hulu, Harry Potter, and Pinterest. With a little bit of Sonic, The Bachelorette, and a couple friend dates thrown in. Yeah, I know- livin' the good life.
SOOOO basically that is all. Wahoo.

welcome to midnight.

Do you ever feel like your path with God is a big ol' question mark, instead of a straight line like it seems it should be? 2018 has bee...