Wednesday, November 23, 2011

sisterhood

what is sisterhood, really? it's gotta be more than dances and eating and movie nights and Bible studies. though those are all great. when sisterhood equals those things alone, it feels empty. though I will admit that most of these shortcomings in sisterhood lately are simply my own fault and spring from my lack of involvement. but it still feels like less than it should be.
it feels like there are so few who I am able to be genuine with. and I absolutely ABHOR being anything but genuine, seriously.
I feel like music is taking over my life and demanding more of myself than I am willing to give. and in the process, it has withdrawn me from my sisters. I'm not sure if I'm going to fight this or succumb to it; after all, it is my future. But should future plans ever mess with those your heart is tied in knots to?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

::vent::

for some odd reason, I've been really lonely lately. I feel like there are only 2 or 3 of my close friends that are still "BEST" friends. You know? Cause when you really get down to it, there is such a difference in close friends and best friends. I consider my best friends to be the ones I can be completely genuine and honest with, that I don't have to hide my emotions or hurts and we can openly talk about problems in the friendship. and last year, I had a lot of best friends. This year, people keep leaving me out of plans and "forgetting" to invite me to things, and not being straight-up with me (which leads to me hearing about the truth from someone else). honestly, that hurts. a lot. I know I'm not perfect, far from it, but I always try to make sure everyone is included, unless they simply CAN'T be, or unless one-on-one is needed. Even then, I try to plan something to do with the person who wants to be included and isn't, that way they don't feel as hurt over it. and it seems like no one really cares that I do that. they just don't want to be around me anymore. I know I'm busy and I have a weird schedule, but that doesn't mean I don't want to even be invited to these things. I would like to know people care about me and like being around me, even if they already know my answer is "I have a music thing" or "I have to work". There are three people that have purposed to maintain a good relationship. A few who still randomly hang out with me. A few new friends that I am growing to know better, thankfully. And, sadly, a lot who, it feels like, have just dumped me. They say "I miss you, when can we hang out?" But it's just shallow and nothing ever comes out of it. and I hate that. If you don't want to be with me, don't pretend you do. 
I think this is hardest for me because I am a people-person. I love being in big groups and having lots of plans and going and doing. All through life, even up till last year, I've had at least 6 people at a time that I considered my best friends. Sure, things happened, and the closeness of those relationships changed. But I still had someone there. Now I still have three... but one is committed to her boyfriend, one lives several hours from school and has been going home a lot, and one is really busy herself and our schedules are basically opposite. agh. life is stupid.
ok, I have to stop. goodnight.

Friday, November 04, 2011

volleyball, hobos, extraordinary love.

it started with a volleyball tournament. weird, I know. English vs. History departments face each other off each year in an intense volleyball game/cookout apparently, and I missed it last year and decided to drop by with Sarah this time around. I met some awesome people that would probably be considered "unpopular", maybe even "outcasts" at one point in time. but it was funny, because that didn't even hit me until after I'd been sitting there for a few minutes getting to know them. then, as I was talking to an old friend and a new friend, someone passed by and was glancing at us, and I became acutely aware of the people I was with. we were having intellectual conversation and making witty comebacks (better than "your mom", believe it or not) and occasionally there was a sci-fi reference thrown in the mix (EXTERMINATE!) . in any high school or middle school across the country, we'd be considered the weird kids. some of us were emo, some just smart, some abnormally bitter about something or another which caused them to have this wonderful victim mindset that made them try to hate everyone. geez, even in college we're the weird kids. as much as I love MC, I must admit there are definitely cliques and social circles that are cool and social circles that aren't. and I was sitting in the midst of the "aren't", "not", and "don't" crowd and loving every minute of it. I mean, I know I'm a weird kid and I'm ok with it. but because I'm not ridiculously genius-like & my parents are wonderful and still together, I am somehow more socially acceptable than these. how terrible. I feel like one day we'll all realize the single greatest travesty of the human race was that we wouldn't let ourselves love. but really, think about it. 
I recently posted as my facebook status, "I love how different people are, and hate how no one takes the time to notice, and those that do, want to pretend they don't and make fun of or ostracize those whose differences are so vast they make the rest of us feel inadequate". 
isn't that true? don't we become so entranced with ourselves that we forget to see others and learn to love them? don't we get embarrassed in those few moments of enlightenment we DO have about our differences from others? so much so that we like to pretend we didn't just see how bad our hair looked in that mirror. and instead we pick on the outfit the girl beside us is wearing. I know my train of thoughts is jumbled and slightly nonsensical but get with me here: we are different. we are selfish so we often don't see it. then we see it. pretend we didn't. make fun of others instead. thus, cliques. and lack of love. and presence of bigotry. and on and on. 
another thing that triggers this crazy thought process is something that happened as I sat in the Taco Bell parking lot listening to Sidewalk Prophets while eating my pizza from the Caf. the song "You Can Have Me" comes through the automate shuffle on my iPod. honestly, I'd never really LISTENED to it before, I just like the chorus and it was only 69 cents on itunes once... so anyway, it opens as a hobo enters my line of vision and walks in front of my car about 20 feet away. he's loaded down with a backpack and what looks like anything and everything he salvaged from whatever his former life looked like and other tidbits he'd gathered along the way. now, hobos fascinate me, so I was just kind of staring. then I start actually hearing the song: "If I saw you on the street and you said 'Come and follow me,' but I had to give up everything I once held dear and all of my dreams, would I love you enough to let go? Or would my love run dry? When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me, Father of Love, you can have me. YOU CAN HAVE ME." that was enough. 
What if that hobo had been Christ, or an angel? Not to say that I believe Christ is incarnate again and walking the earth. but I believe angels are among us in the flesh. and I believe that He truly meant "Whatsoever you do for the least of these, my brethren, you do unto me." my heart was so pulled to hop out of my car and take the guy my pizza or buy him dinner or at least hand him the blanket in my back seat. yet I knew it could be dangerous, and that my fear of WHAT IF was going to keep me from doing anything. At that moment I had to repent. I knew the good thing that I should've done and I didn't do it, and as it was occurring I knew I wouldn't get the guts up to do it. I broke my own heart at that moment. I see myself as one who loves deeply and loves many. I especially love being friends with "the weird kids" because their story is always so vastly different from mine and so inspiring. and yet I didn't have enough love in my heart to propel me to buy this poor man (who had nothing but literally whatever was on his back) some supper. And I am a very loving person. I know the world is FULL of many more who are so lacking in the love department. How truly heart-wrenching. 
We are full of ourselves and too busy for others.
I now know how Paul felt when he said "The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life."
Does this make any sense at all, reader? Please get it. Please let God convict you as He has me. please let Him pour out on you abundantly, as He has me. Let Him love you most, though you may feel like the worst of sinners. Let His love move you to extraordinary measures. 

welcome to midnight.

Do you ever feel like your path with God is a big ol' question mark, instead of a straight line like it seems it should be? 2018 has bee...