Wednesday, May 25, 2011

beautiful, beautiful.

that's what He says when he sees me.
really, truly. it is.
I'm not saying that to be vain, self-centered, or haughty. I'm saying that to boast in my God- that he can take someone as selfish, dirty, wretched, sinful, worthless, and prideful as me and 1) forgive me. 2) wash me- as in, bleached. completely fresh, clean, and pure. 3) heal me. 4) walk with me.
He just continues to astound me and I love it.
and as He walks with me, he continues to rescue me from various situations. He actually takes delight in ME- I thrill him! Wow, what a thought. And even more than that, he quiets my overreactive heart and mind with his great love and peace that passes understanding (Phil. 4:6-7), and rejoices over me. He dances and sings over my life! {all of that from Zeph. 3:17}
can I just say that there is NO ONE, NO THING as A.W.E.S.O.M.E. as MY GOD?! It's a true statement.
His love for me is extravagant, lavish, elaborate, and precious. it's perfect. it's never-ending. it's unstoppable. it's incomparable.
God, I have no idea what you're doing in my life, but I LOVE it. You've picked me up and turned me around and I am so grateful for your intervention... I needed you to do exactly this. Thank you. Please continue to mold and reshape me. Help me to refocus on you every second of the day. Use me. I want to DO something with my life... Help me to be faithful in the little things. I thank you for your opportunities to make great Your name, and look forward to making Your song resound and praises ring out all over the world. I'm living to see Your name and renown all over the world! Please increase in my life and make me decrease. Be lifted high as I bow down low!!! Take away the glory of my name until only You remain! Work in my life as you wish.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

If You're not in it...

today, God did his usual surprising thing. He likes to do that in my life. and today, he did it in a really unusual way.
so I'm headed to visit this place that was a big part of my past- my old church. honestly, for a long time I've regarded it as spiritually dead and boring. and while I haven't totally changed my mind... I will say that God will find ways to speak anywhere and anyhow He can. and He did just that.
the message was out of 1 Kings 19, where Elijah is threatened by Jezebel and runs away and hides in a cave. then God speaks... Why are you here? he asks Elijah, who gives him this practiced answer that may or may not have been a little whiny if you ask me. then He tells Elijah to go out and stand at the edge of the cave.
God sends a great wind... but He's not in it. this huge great wind, that could destroy everything around for miles, and God's not in it (reminds me of our recent tornadoes and what the response to "Where was God in this destruction?" should be).
next, He sends an earthquake. rumbling, tearing apart the mountains... and He's not in it.
then comes the fire. it's raging and probably pretty awesome/scary- but He's STILL not in it.
all the craziness is over and Elijah is wondering where He is. I can see it now. He's sitting there, on the edge of the cave, adrenaline pumping from the craziness he just lived through and looking around, wondering where God is and why he told Elijah to go out to the edge of the cave. did He just want to scare Elijah? Maybe he just needed to instill awe, or maybe.......
then Elijah hears something. it's more than just silence, but there are no audible words to this. it's like a gentle whisper that moves Elijah's heart.
and when it's over, he realizes... God wasn't in the loud, scary, attention-catching events. He used them, however, to create a silence in which He could speak. God used the loudness to make the quietness noticeable.
and in that moment when I put myself in Elijah's shoes and thought his thoughts, I realized: God was using the quietness of that moment to speak. and He was saying "be still. just sit here. let me speak."
so, I now depart. to sit. and let Him speak.

Saturday, May 07, 2011 it turns into a dance.

I sit here on my bed with this stupid smile on my face. over nothing, really... and wonder why the little things excite me so much. a rainy day, a complement, a cup of coffee, muffin tins... the weirdest things, that give me so much joy. and again, I wonder. why do I seek joy from these things day after day? why is it that when I'm not in good graces with friends, and I'm not making good grades, and my "love life" is nonexistent, I find it hard to have joy? should those things really matter that much to me? I excuse myself from it, in my head, then stop- while I *do* have the heart of the artist (awesome book, i'm working my way through it now), which causes me to find more joy or pain in things which others may only slightly care about, does this give me an escape from the realization that I care more about things of this earth than the Lover of my soul? It shouldn't. I should never be able to excuse myself from that truth. and, oh, what a glaring truth it is. sometimes it haunts me (kind of a double-whammie, the fact that when I realize I'm joy-less, it makes me more joy-less). sometimes it effects me so much less than it should: and today is the latter.
today, I wonder what's so bad about finding so much joy in wildflowers and guitars and when cute boys notice me. honestly, I don't think those things are bad... I think it's bad when those things matter more to me than my Savior & Lord does. which has sadly been an AWFUL LOT lately.
again, I find an excuse... it's spring! I tell myself. I'm simply twitterpated and overly hopeful and optimistic. this always happens... and maybe even part of it is that I'm really truly happy for the first time in a while.
again, I excuse the excuse. yeah, so I'm extremely, direly optimistic. does this give me any right to find more happiness and joy in these things than in Christ?
the answer should be no. the answer IS no, actually. my brain just doesn't really want to accept it- and even more so does my heart want to reject it.
I'm so pathetic sometimes. so selfish and stuck in my ways- and I find the gall to yell at God and ask Him why I'm here in this rut and why I'm not moving. How does he find the grace and patience to whisper back, "Because you won't let me pull you out, Child"?
He just astounds me and knocks me off my feet. which I love, don't get me wrong... but it sure is unexpected and awfully humbling. and I do mean awfully. anyway... I feel myself coming to the point where I accept His way. I know it's different from and higher than my way. I know his thoughts aren't mine, and his plans are so perfectly opposite mine. and His heart in me pulls me back to Him, pulls me back to the conclusion that maybe I should trust Him again. He's proved himself over and over, and still I doubt. Can't I, for once, just trust straight from the beginning? Trust that He knows what He's doing and will perfect His will according to His magnificent timing?
Ok, God. I see what's going on here, and I hear what you're speaking in my heart. Trust, you say. Somehow not quite a demand, but definitely stronger than a suggestion. Ok. Go. Move. Work. I've doubted, over and over, and I need you to forgive me, cause I can't live in a state of disrepair in our relationship. Heal my heart to be able to have faith in you. Take your time. Set the stage, ask me to dance, and lead me onto the dance floor. I'll let you lead, I'll let you set the pace. Just as long as you never let go and keep singing over me. I love your voice. Don't stop moving, don't stop singing. Hold me tight. I'm yours.

welcome to midnight.

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