Saturday, October 31, 2009

Caramel Macchiato-induced self-realizations

I have entitlement issues. I understand that it is very strange for a female, especially one my age, to have issues accepting gifts. and I am the only girl I know (besides my mother) that has problems with this. I have seen small evidences of it many times, but was hit with the full effect of it a couple weeks ago. After a long day out, I found myself yearning for a piping hot caramel macchiato. When my parents stopped to buy my brother a 35 dollar video game (and ended up getting him a 20-dollar version of a game he already has), I felt slightly wounded, thinking that they almost never do that kind of thing for me. I sarcastically suggested that if he could have a 20-dollar video game, surely I could at least have a 4-dollar coffee. I was ok as we pulled off the road searching for a Starbucks. but when it wasn't where we thought it was, I gave up my want. Against my will, my parents went out of our way to get me a caramel macchiato. Which frustrated me greatly. As I sat in the car on the way home, the previously hot macchiato my mother got me sat untouched and cooled by the second within inches of my grasp. Yet I refused to drink it, or even touch it.
4 dollars were poured down the kitchen sink.
What I realized was this: If I do not have to work for something, it is almost always considered useless to me. If others must go out of their way to get me something, the guilt overwhelms me to the point of not wanting whatever it is. Twisted, I know. And while I feel bad for wasting these things sometimes, it doesn't begin to measure up to how... weak? spinless? needy? dependant?... I feel when I use and appreciate those things. So it all goes back to my needs and how much I hate needing things. How much I hate needing to depend on someone else. How much I hate simply needing anything that I can't get for myself.
I am so messed up.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

where the love lasts forever?

I never expected THIS to happen. or at least, not this way. I figured when it finally came, it would be a peaceful, mutual agreement. apparently not. maybe those who said it wasn't worth it, and that I shouldn't be in this, were right. and maybe I was wrong. but at the same time I was right. I knew that it was simply improbable, if not impossible, for someone that cared about me in such a way to mean it. to stay there in the hard times, and even when they didn't want to. I knew the day he left would come. I guess I just didn't expect it to be this soon. and surprisingly, I'm not that sad. I cried some earlier. now I'm just hurt, and extremely dissappointed. I thought he was better than all those others who left me. all the others who lied. all the others who were simply jerks. now, I'm not saying he is a jerk. at all. cuz he isnt'... he just needs some growing-up time. or to make up his mind. I really, honestly, have no clue WHAT he needs, but I know he doesn't need me. or want me. quite obviously.
this pains me so much to admit. because I really thought he meant all that stuff he said. yet at the same time, I kinda saw it coming.
Oh, Lord. I need you, so so much. This is going to be very hard to do, and I need your strength and comfort. Please be with me in this. Guard my mouth. Guard my heart. Hold me in your hands and never let me go.
As You Wish.

Friday, October 02, 2009

wish away today

sometimes I get so tired of
wondering what life would be like
I wish I could just know it,
not have to worry, wonder or hide.
why can't I just know my future,
not have to dream or wish?
is there a reason I stay so ignorant,
other than hoping for bliss?
so many questions, too much doubt and fear
not to mention my already-shaken
foundation of so-called confidence,
mingles with worry of breaking.
not my heart, not an arm,
the fear of breaking is not
vertical, no need for alarm.
I fear breaking myself, this fragile world.
It would crumble at any chance,
with a quick glance or terse word
it would break, all fall, and tumble.
I want to fly away with freedom of a bird
I want to get away from this mess
I call my life
sick of hurt, am I, and love.
sick of every kind of strife;
get me out of here, I beg
reach down and pull me from the box.
I wish to close my heart forever
make rusted all the locks.
yet as I pray this and wish
I see it as You do.
I see that there is no real life
if I have not pain too.
and while I wish to know my future
I only learn things from the past
I realize that to know what tomorrow held
would make my life fly by too fast.
so while I wish for more than this,
I hold fast to your promise:

"The LORD will fight for you,
you need only to be still."

welcome to midnight.

Do you ever feel like your path with God is a big ol' question mark, instead of a straight line like it seems it should be? 2018 has bee...