Monday, July 26, 2010

yeah, Mister Fear, you captured me.

for so long, fear has reigned in my life. and I wish I could say that at this moment, I give all to God and force fear away, for His Perfect Love drives out fear! but quite honestly, I'm not sure I can give it up. because, scarily, it feels like I am stuck on this one. like I can't get past it. like my heart is so very weary and my mind is so broken, I can't ever live free of fear. I'm hoping that maybe just possibly getting these fears out in the open and out of my head will help. that I can run from them and to my Savior and be free, if only to keep relying on Him to free me from them.
I'm afraid of not being loved. Afraid of living alone. Afraid of failure. Afraid of hurting others. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid of being friendless. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of being made fun of. Afraid of my rebellious heart. Afraid of change. Afraid of being used. Afraid of being labeled. Afraid of being overestimated. Afraid of turning from God. Afraid of sickness. Afraid of the future. Afraid of depression. Afraid of what I could be. Afraid of what I don't understand. and quite honestly, I'm afraid of eternity. because it's, um hello... FOREVER. and the thought of me. a human. living forever? it boggles my mind... and since I can't understand it, of course it scares me.
So there you go, folks. This little lady is scared of just about anything unreasonable there is to be scared of. and when I see all those things, those worthless yet time-consuming things, that capture my thoughts each day... it make me sigh and say to myself, Oh Becca. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God! The Creator of the ends of the earth! He will not grow tired or weary {of saving your soul}, and his understanding {of your heart and mind} no one can fathom (isaiah 40:28, additional phrases {in brackets} mine)
oh, My God. come to me quickly! for I am weak and broken in spirit and I cannot save myself from the fear that controls my life. save me! pick me up and hold me in your hand so that no one can snatch me from it! restore to me the joy of your salvation and the wonders of your love. help me to bring every thought captive, in obedience to you. help me to guard my heart and mind! be the Lord of every aspect of my life, especially in my thoughts, dear Lord. "so hold me, with arms that made the universe. shelter my heart with all that You are!"

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

own me.

OWN ME. by Ginny Owens.

Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You in all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed

Own me, take all that I am,
and heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

(Musical Interlude)

You call me Daughter,
And You take my blame;
And You run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You in all of my shame,
Lord, I am willing to be changed

Own me, take all that I am,
and heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me!

Monday, July 12, 2010

confessions of a teenage drama queen.

Date.... July 12, 2010
Starting time.... 10:29 PM
Mood.... hesitant.
Outside my window.... darkness, humidity, and crickets.
I'm thinking.... that I fall too easily.
I'm reading.... lots of books. I really need to finish the Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker and give Will his book back...
I'm listening to....crickets chirping :)
Yesterday I....worshipped my Savior, hung out with other God-lovers, went to my brother and future sister-in-law's wedding tea, helped them move packages into their apartment...
I'm excited end of story.
I'm sad because....well I'm not really *sad* just disappointed.
I'm hungry for....fried okra. I'm always hungry for fried okra.
The song stuck in my head is.... well, Take A Bow has inhabited my mind for the past few days.
I want....cute strappy sandals :D
I God.
I hate....sadness.
This week my goal is to....focus my heart and mind. everyday challenges!
Did I meet last week's goal? I rarely EVER do. =\
Ending time....10: 35 PM

more confessions...
= brushing my teeth makes me sleepy.
= I like long hair.
= I bruise easily.
= I hate wearing swimsuits.
= I love sharpies.
= I am about to stretch.
= I stretch every night before I go to sleep :)
= I like cute boys.
= google is my best friend.
= the backspace button is my second best friend.
= I need to lay out. I'm so white.
= I have yellow earphones.
= I can't wait for tomorrow
= I'm quite depressed over the fact that I have only TWO piano lessons left before I go to college. but I try to ignore that little tidbit and enjoy life anyway.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

a whispering wish of my heart

untitled, as of yet.
lyrics & tentative music by me.

why aren't you here,
listening to crickets with me?
singing me songs,
and telling me what you really think?

I'm waiting for that day.
I'm waiting until I can say
all of these thoughts in my head
as I lay in bed-
I just want someone to tell them to,
and I'm waiting for the day it's you.

I wish you were here,
running through puddles with me.
telling me jokes,
and whispering romantic things.

I'm waiting for that day
I'm waiting to hear you say
All of those thoughts in your head,
despite what you said.
Don't you want someone to tell them to?
Are you saying, "I hope it's you"?

I'll wait till you're here,
making up new words with me.
holding my hand,
and helping me throw a frisbee.

I'm waiting for that day
Until we both can say
Every thing in our heads
as we lie in bed.
Mr. and Mrs. Your-last-name...
I'll be waiting for that day.

welcome to midnight.

Do you ever feel like your path with God is a big ol' question mark, instead of a straight line like it seems it should be? 2018 has bee...