Monday, December 15, 2008

Ready for You

it's been sooo long since I've written on here! but obviously life has improved a lot. God has done so much for me the past few months... and if there's one thing he's teaching me, it's that prayer WORKS. He always answers prayer. it might not be answered the way I want it to be, or when i want it to be, but he will ALWAYS answer me. so anyway.. i wrote this song about a week ago and decided it was high time i posted some more lyrics up here. =)
Ready for You- lyrics/music by ME!

My dreams I lay down,
down at your feet,
my purpose now yours, God-
every part of me.
My fears cast aside,
my heart open wide,
ready for you
to give me hope anew.

::chorus::
And here I am-
here, in your hands...
broken and bruised,
I'm ready for you
to come and take me back,
back to where you are-
I've gone so far,
lost my way;
I'm so ready for you today.

Oh, Lord, I pray now
that through this somehow
you'd let me see
what you desire me to be.
I need you so much,
and I'm longing for you
to bring me back
and make my heart new.

::chorus::

bridge-
I'm helpless, alone,
can't do it on my own
I need your help!
I'm useless by my self, oh.
carry me now...
carry me now...
you are my shield, you are my comfort.
you are my hiding place and my joy.
you are my peace, you are my savior.
you are my reason to live and you are my friend.
you are my father, you're everything I need
and you're always... always ready for me.

::chorus::

Monday, November 03, 2008

inadequacy

surely I'm not the only girl who's ever felt inadequate. surely there are others out there who have seen both sides of the picture and thought "there's no way I'll measure up." if you've ever felt inept, inadequate, unsuitable, out of place... you're not alone. but don't let Satan whisper those lies to you. God calls you beautiful (psalm 45:11), he is jealous for you (exodus 34:14) and says you're his treasure (exodus 19:5). trust him for your worth.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

free

FREE by Ginny Owens

Turnin' molehills into mountains
Makin' big deals out of small ones
Bearing gifts as if they're burdens
This is how it's been
Afraid of coming out of my shell
Too many things I can't do too well
Afraid I'll try real hard
And I'll fail
This is how it's been
Till the day You pounded on my heart's door
And You shouted joyfully
You're not a slave anymore!

CHORUS:
You're free to dance
Forget about your two left feet
And you're free to sing
Even joyful noise is music to Me
You're free to love
'Cause I've given you My love
And it's made you free
I have set you free!

My mind finds hard to believe
That You became humanity and
Changed the course of history
Because You loved us so
And my heart cannot understand
How You accept me as I am
But You say You've always had a plan
And that's all I need to know
So when I am consumed
With what the world will say
Then You're singing to me, as You remove
my chains

Free from worry
Free from envy and denial
Free to live, free to give, free to smile

Friday, October 10, 2008

Psalm 55... Think it through

If you couldn't tell, I'm starting a new thing on my blog which I'm calling "Think it Through". I'm starting out on Psalm 55, but may very well focus on just one verse, or a poem, or some thing that happens in everyday life and how it all relates spiritually. Since lately my friends and I have been going through some pretty troublesome, confusing things, when i was reading this the other day, I decided to talk about it on here... kinda break it down, ya know...

anyway, please follow this link:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2055&version=31
to read Psalm 55 online. You can change it to any version you want, but I'll be quoting from NIV. and you're welcome to read it in your own bible if you want. =)

I'm sure we've all had times when we feel like God's not listening to us. In these first 2 verses, David's basically begging for God to hear him. I don't know about you, but I've had times when I've gone to God pretty distraught. some of those times have been posted on here. I've been thinking "God, why is this happening? Why now? Why all at once? God, I'm getting so depressed it scares me! This is not who I want to become! Why aren't you listening??? My heart is HURTING, God. really hurting. I'm scared, I don't know what to do."
and looking back on those times, seeing these first few verses, it is so comforting to know that I'm not some weirdo. David- THE MAN AFTER GOD'S OWN HEART!- was in the same place I was.
"I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest- I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.'"
He wants to escape, to run away from it all, just like I did- and still sometimes do! I am not alone. Decades, centuries ago, David went through this and made it. People have been going through this for ages upon ages, and yet I have the selfishness to think that God's left me in the dust and cares nothing about me, out of the blue? He's been helping us through this- every single one of us- for longer than forever. And yet we doubt him.
But somehow, it feels reasonable to doubt his "perfect will" when "a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship," turns against me.
and in the midst of all these horribly painful (yet able to relate to) events, David finds the faith to call on God. I can imagine him lying in his bed, tears streaming down both his cheeks, so much so that he can't see his hand in front of his face. Crying out in distress- whimpering, groaning, yelling. "GOD! SAVE ME!!!! it HURTS! Oh, God. I can't do this. I can't. I don't want to. Why? Do you even hear me? But you have to! GOD, SAVE ME! HEAR MY CRY AND RESCUE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!"
and he swoops in- if he hasn't yet, he WILL- and ransoms you.
RANSOMS you. a ransom indicates paying to get something back- which is exactly what he did. He paid, with his very life, to get you back. And you can't give him the one small portion of your heart that he says "let go of it."?
"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."
... but, our righteousness is as filthy rags! doesn't that mean I'll fall?
If you are in Christ, you are a new Creation. (2 Cor. 5:17) He has blessed you with grace and covered you in his righteousness. Trust him.
Only trust him.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

you've made me as gold purified through these flames.

...so, somehow, amazingly, God has brought beauty from this messy disaster that I caused. a week or 2 (or 3 or 4) ago, I would've said that this was one of God's trials... and I guess in a way it was, but it might not have had to happen if I'd been walking closely with Him.
yesterday, I was reading my bible & devotional book (My Utmost for His Highest- I HIGHLY recommend this book!), and the devo for the day was about being Jesus' friend. It said that the only way we can know that we're really Jesus' friend, is when we're able to lay down our life (figuratively [in this case], or literally) for Him. and i realized- I've always said I would give my life for any of my friends. because I would. If I had to die to take one of their places, I would be FINE with that. but when I have to give my friends, who ARE my life, up for Him... I wouldn't. I couldn't be his true friend, because I wouldn't give my friends (AKA- my life) up for him {Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13)}.
anyway, so yesterday I made up my mind and said, "No matter what, God, you're first place from here on out. I refuse to put anyone or anything before you any more. Please calm my troubled heart and bring your peace that passes my understanding into my life. "
and He did.
cuz he always does.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

God of my Days

i love this song. and it is oh-so-applicable to my life right now.

God of my Days

God of my Days,
King of my nights,
Lord of my laughter,
Sovereign in sorrow.
the Prince of my praise,
you're the love of my life-
you never leave me,
you are faithful,
God of my days.

my eyes are on you,
my hope is in you,
my faith is in you.
------------------
i don't know the rest of the lyrics. but this is all I need.

Monday, August 04, 2008

a prayer.

*sigh*
It's me again, God. Stuck where I've been for the past month. God, please tell me I'm not gonna have to make it without her. I don't think I can. This hurts so much.
oh, God.
I can't do this.
I can't.
and I don't want to.
she's part of me. We're like sisters, you know that. And now she's just gonna be ripped away from me? I don't get it.
2 days before it all began, you had April sing that song for a reason. You had her say those exact words because you knew that in 72 hours, they would be all I had to believe that you'd carry me through this. God, I know that it's only through the fire that I'm refined, made as pure as gold. But i don't want to have to go through this fire! but, then, I'm already in it, aren't I?
God, please. Just ease the pain. Just a little. Please.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

i've had better...

ok so I really don't know what i've had better OF, i just know that sounded like a kewl title. XD
it's been a tiring weekend, and I'm still trying to figure some things out from this past week. but otherwise, this week has been really good.
on the way back from Ecuador last week, i started writing these lyrics... and i figured, why not post em'? no one reads this anyway. so without any further ado, lyrics and music by me. =)

letting go.

don't quite know how
to explain how I feel
don't really know what happened,
but i know it was real

is there a word for this anxiety,
the one that's filled with joy?
is there a definition for my
depression in the midst of sun?

(bridge)
feels like confusion
maybe mass chaos
all I know now
is you need to explain us

(chorus)
tell me you're there, tell me you care,
tell me we'll be okay even in the darkest day.
I need to know, you need to show
cuz I'm letting go if you say no.
o-oh oh, oh I'm letting go.

I feel so numb,
i'm so overcome
by my feelings
sometimes it takes my breath away.

can you explain
why it seems like rain
is making everything,
everything so clear?

bridge
chorus

tell me, please, tell me.
can you show me, just show me?

I don't know you're there or even if you care
I don't think we'll be okay, not in our darkest day.
who cares if I know? you don't have to show,
cuz I'm letting go, no matter if you say no.
o-oh oh, oh I'm letting go.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Ecuador and more

SO much has happened, I'm not sure I can fit it all in one post, and I don't know if I'll even manage to get all of it on my blog- ever.
so I'll start with what I remember most- Ecuador!!!! We got back 6 days ago... It was the most amazing trip I've ever been on. I learned a lot, and made tons of new friends. One thing that I really loved about the trip was those adorable little kids. I loved being able to spread Christ's love all over the place- with everyone, everywhere I went- by simply hugging some kids, playing "pato, pato, ganza" (duk, duck, goose), and painting their faces. It was so amazing to be able to SEE what I was doing for God's kingdom, to hear those sweet little voices accepting Christ as their Savior. God really showed me that so many times, being a servant isn't just about what you do- it's about your heart and your attitude. That you can be a servant of Christ by simply loving kids and blowing bubbles with them, if you have the right mindset... or heart-set, so to speak.
well that's about all I've got on Ecuador, except that I seriously might live there someday. I love it there. =)

Wednesday, I had to do one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I gave up my best friend in the entire world. I didn't totally give her up, there is no way I could completely destroy our relationship. But some stuff was happening that I couldn't deal with any more. and I gave it up. I told her we basically needed to take a break. It was so hard, and for the rest of the night I think I stopped crying a total of 30 minutes, tops. It was like I'd had to rip my own heart out. and it was SO hard. I can only hope and pray now that this break doesn't last too long and God brings her back to me soon.
God, you know how much I love her. Please don't make me try to move on. I can't. I don't want to, I don't want to forget her or let her go. You know what needs to happen- please just give me the strength to make it through this fire.

it's been a while...

some lyrics that are oh-so-applicable to my life right now...

If you want me to
Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why
You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Micah 7:7-9

i don't know if any of yall have ever read Micah 7:7-9, but that is one of my key verses I turn to when I get depressed... and I've been turning there an awful lot lately. for those of you that don't claim perfection and don't mind accepting that fact that you're hurting, this is for you.
Micah 7:7-9
lyrics by me. (based on the scripture)
though I lay here drowning
in my own doubt;
though I may have fallen,
yet will I find the way out.

I'm waiting to be rescued
from my darkened thoughts-
and I know He is coming
with his cleansing cross.

::chorus::
so don't boast over me,
enemy,
for He is my hope and my Lord.
you can't gloat over me,
enemy,
I have assurance of His Word.

so I'll stand here in your silence,
bearing my consequence-
until you plead my forgiveness
so I can have your righteousness.

you brought me to new life now,
put in me a flame,
something I can't smother-
a passion for Your Name.

::chorus::

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

more on flirting

a comment on my first post about flirting made me want to clarify something...
just because you flirt with someone does not mean you like them. although, that's wrong, and pretty sad... that's how it is. these days, when you flirt with someone it doesn't necessarily mean you like them. it may mean you want their attention, or you simply want to talk to them. I firmly believe that you shouldn't flirt unless you mean it- otherwise it leads people on, and I think we can all agree- when you find out that "he's leading you on", it makes you feel hurt, used... all of the above.
so many times girls that aren't used to the idea of a guy liking them or whatever end up getting so confused- I speak from my own past. it was so easy- and still is sometimes- as a "sheltered kid" to not understand the world and have moments when I realize how naive I was. It's easy to think you're feeling one thing and only weeks, months, or years later realize that it was something completely different. maybe you think you love him, maybe you think you're obsessed with him, maybe you think he broke your heart. so many times we think these things and only later do we realize how wrong we were. an infatuation with someone is not an obsession. wanting him to think you're beautiful and always be by your side if not loving him. giving him a piece of your heart- which he, in turn, basically tears to shreds- is not getting your heart broken. a very shrewd friend of mine told me one time... he had his own place in your heart. he didn't have your entire heart, just a little portion of it. he might have hurt that little portion, but he didn't break it. but i know one thing- when part of your heart hurts, the whole thing does.
as girls, it is so easy to be led astray by our emotions. guys- don't lead us on if you're not serious. girls- guard your heart. bury it in Him, so that if a guy wants it, he has to go through God to get it.
over and out.

Friday, May 30, 2008

You get me.

"You know me better than I know myself, the key to my security- there is no one else who gets me! I may be misunderstood cuz I wouldn't ever fake it, You're the only One who understands my pain. And You get me. It doesn't matter what I do, what I think, what I say, at the end of the day, I'm okay anyway- cuz Lord, you get me!"
the song You Get Me by ZOEgirl has become so real to me over the past week it totally amazes me. I have just returned from youth camp with my church youth group- and it was totally amazing. God works in totally mysterious and awesome ways- I definitely saw that this week. Without an invitation ever being given, over a dozen people came to Christ this week. PRAISE GOD! In my life, the main thing He taught me this week was to simply trust Him. although sometimes I may think I know what I need, and that he's not doing what's right for me- He always is. He knows me better than I do. he created me. he just gets me. I realized this week that he's always doing the right thing for me, leading me to the place he wants me- even when I think he's taking the long way around, or even taking the wrong route. As many of you know, the past 15 months of my life have been hectic, emotional, chaotic, confusing, scary, exhilarating, exciting, and amazing- all at the same time. There were so many times I cried out to God- "God- i have absolutely NO CLUE what you're doing!!! And, honestly, I think you're doing it wrong. But, God, you know what's best for me. So even though I can't see why this helps me or it's even happening, I'm gonna keep walking. Nothing else. Just following you, and walking. I can't see for all that fog in front of me. But I DO. I will walk."
and that's all it takes for Him to completely revolutionize your life. He wants to CHANGE you. To set you on fire with a flame that is unquenchable. To give you His confidence that is unshatterable. To give you a faith that's unshakable. Just let Him. All it takes is surrendering your will. and trust me, it is so much easier to just trust Him. to know that even when you can't see it, he's doing what's best for you.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Picture to Burn

We all have those moments in our life that we wish we didn't have to remember. Those relationships that it hurts to bad to look at old pictures of us together. Those days when we wish it had happened differently, more easily. Without all the pain, worry, doubt, heartache, depression, and weariness. We wish we could "strike a match to all my wasted time". But that's part of life- it may not be the part we WANT to remember, but it's what we NEED to remember. For the future references. Whether it be "Never stay up until 3 AM before a big date", "Don't have a crush on your best friend's brother" or "Be careful to think before you speak"- we all have advice to those who have not gone through what we have gone through. Though we may have regrets, we need to remember that there is a reason for everything that happens in life- God has a plan for all of it.

Monday, May 05, 2008

just in case you ever wondered...

lately, I've been dealing with a lot. mainly, trust issues.
trust is hard, especially when you're human ( like all of us are).
It's hard to tell yourself to completely render all self-reliance and make yourself vulnerable for someone else to let you down. especially when you're rendering your self to God. it's hard to completely trust Him with everything, without doubts or worries. actually, it's humanly impossible. but that's why He's God. we could never live without him. ever ever.
today, I did something I never thought I'd do. I had felt God telling me something for quite a while now, and I finally did it. it took a lot of humility and trust. it was hard, cuz it was something I had never really wanted to do, and wouldn't have done if I hadn't felt that God wanted me to.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, even when you don't think it's possible and you feel like you're losing at life, like nothing's going right, like if one more bad thing happened, you'd hit rock bottom... just trust Him. that's all it takes for life to completely turn around. it's not gonna be perfect. in fact, conditions might not improve for quite a while. but when you trust Him with everything, all that matters is Him. you forget your circumstances and emotions. it's just You and God and you're living with more joy than you're ever had before.
like that beautiful old hymn says,
"Only trust Him, only trust Him, only trust Him now. He will save you, He will save you, He will save you now."

Friday, May 02, 2008

prom!!!

tonight was prom.
homeschool prom. I'd been "dreaming" about it ever since I found out about it in August, only to find out in March that 1- I didn't have enough guts to ask a guy (let alone the guy I'd want to ask), and 2- Lauren and Jordan were going, and they both had dates (supposedly).
So, I backed out, freaked out, and got all emo. I really wanted to go, but like I said, there was NO way you could have gotten me to ask a guy to "escort" me. So i had planned to have a crash night with PT, go to starbucks, cry a little, talk a lot, and think about all those rocks i could (and should) have thrown at some boys. But about a week or so ago, I found out Jordan didn't have a date after all, so i was gonna be her date. Which, at first, i REALLY didn't want to go. I thought it would end up bombing and be the worst night of my life.
but it wasn't!
other than being totally homeschoolerish, it was pretty fun. I didn't even dance (except when they played the cha-cha slide! XD), but we had fun hanging out, talking, and (most of all), making fun all of those that couldn't dance, yet still attempted it.
I wore the dress my grandmother wore in my parents' wedding. After shopping for 2 full days, I decided to use the one I had. At first I was really unsure of how it would work out.
But Lauren, Jordan, and I spent the whole day getting ready. We got up around 9 this morning, went out to get some breakfast, dropped by the florist (to get the corsage), and wally world (to get supplies to make mine and lauren' corsages). We took time getting showers, doing our nails, hair, and make-up.. then finally, the long-awaited PROM DRESSES.
we got dressed, and, even then, as we were leaving (and even while we were at supper), I was very self-conscious (EVERYONE was staring at us in Outback). I felt stupid, and out-of date (the dress i was wearing is from the 80s!), and just weird. After the prom, we dropped by a local coffee shop, and as we were walking out, a man stopped me and said, "ma'am, I just wanted to say that that is a classical and beautiful dress." I thanked him as we left... But his one small comment completely changed my outlook on the entire night. I was thinking on the way home, and even though tonight was not the dream come true I had originally hoped it would be, it was fun, and if nothing more, it made me feel beautiful for a night.

Monday, April 28, 2008

rain=God's Words?

Isaiah 55:10-11
"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

I got to really thinking about this passage friday.
I'd heard verse 11 before, but I hadn't heard verse 10 until I read it for my W2R homework.
The question was something to the effect of "How does Isaiah compare rain and snow to God's words?"
so I got to thinking, I mean really thinking.
and for those of you that know me, you know those pondering moments are not all to rare, in fact, though I may seem ditzy and "blonde" to some, I am quite a ponderer.
so I'm thinking, Ok.
God's words=rain.
His words fall on us ("rain" on us). When rain comes, what does it do?
It cleanses, nourishes, and makes things grow.
So God's Words cleanse us, nourish us, and make us grow.
But that's not all. Rain evaporates back up into the atmosphere and forms more clouds, right? So, technically, the rain falls, soaks in, the goes back up.
So should God's word do in our lives.
It rains on us (causing cleansing, nourishing, and growth). Then our growth (the fruits we have yielded by listening to, hearing, and obeying God's Words) goes back to God- just like it says should happen in Matthew 5:16- "In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
So, we show our fruits (which the rain has helped grow) in our lives, people see those fruits, and it all goes back to God, in praise.
just though I'd share that. =)

Saturday, April 26, 2008

today we had the block party at Collegeville. it was so awesome, and a great opportunity to pour God's love into some kids' lives. I got REALLY sunburned tho, and right now I'm pretty miserable.

so I got to thinking earlier. about how much a suburn can be applied to our spiritual life. see, we go out into the world thinking "Ok, I'm ready to go. I'm kinda [spiritually] pale, but it's overcast, i won't need sunscreen. besides, I don't burn, I tan. and tans are cool." (translation: I'm going into the world, I'm not very mature spiritually, but it doesn't look that bad out there. I won't need protection. anyway, even if i do get a little influence, it won't hurt me. I'll just look cooler to others.) then we get out there and after a little while, we realize we're getting influenced by the world. we're like, "well, it's not that bad. it'll just hurt me a little, but I'll forget it eventually." then other people start pointing it out to us... "whoa, you're really giving into the influence of the world lately. i'm getting kinda worried about you! maybe you should go seek after God and put on some spiritual 'sunscreen'." and we respond "oh no, I'll be ok. really, i don't get influenced that easily, it just appears that way. that's how I am, i'm just outgoing." then we start hurting, and we think "well, maybe I should at least get out of this situation for a little while till I'm sure I'm ok." and once we get under the "shade" of God's righteous covering, we realize how influenced we really were. and we begin to hurt. to burn, and chill, and burn again. it's miserable. and we want to complain to someone, but then it would just make it even worse. so God brings out his aloe vera, his peace and love and mercy and grace and righteousness and pours it over our souls, and soothes the hurt. and when we start hurting again, he pours it over us again, until we're healed. granted, we're never the same once we've been influenced by or experienced these wordly things. But God forgives us and eases our conscience, helps us to get through it and in the end, still be a whole person. and though God would rather not see us go through the pain of that spiritual sunburn, sometimes we make ourselves go through it without knowing it. and once we get in the middle of it, there's no stopping it. but God always brings good out of the situation and finds a lesson to teach us- even if it's something as simple as "trust me, you ALWAYS need sunscreen."

Sunday, April 20, 2008

a prayer

God, I'm really confused right now. I know what happened Thursday happened for a reason. but I don't know the reason! and that human-ness about me is just itching to know- you know that. Please help me to trust you- I'm really having trouble with that lately. and not just you- I'm having trouble trusting everyone. I kind of have a feeling that maybe I'm starting to build up walls, just to see who cares enough to get through to them. and I don't want to do that!!! I want to be spilling over with your love and full of grace. I want to be someone that is loving and merciful and compassionate- that everyone knows they can come to me and I won't judge them, I'll just be there for them to talk to and that they can cry on my shoulder-- cuz that's what my heart really is!! and you know that. But I want them to know that. But I'm so scared that I'll make myself vulnerable only to be hurt more. And I don't want to be hurt any more than I have to be. please help me to figure this out. I LOVE you, Lord. Do your will in my life- I choose to trust you completely.

sweet release

i wrote this about a week ago right after going through some stormy "weather" in life...
sweet release
lyrics by: me

i close my eyes and start to pray
but, God, you seem 10 worlds away.
i'm tired of my burdens
and all these heavy doubts
i feel like i'm in a glass cage-
i'm so ready to be out.

(chorus)
so carry me
i cast my cares
my worries
my dreams
and all my prayers.
hold me,
keep my heart
cuz i'm about
to fall apart.

i'm not quite sure what else to say
my mind's been dulled through this long day
but, Lord, you see my heart straight through
you know my thoughts
and motives too.
heavy silence wraps around me...

(chorus)

i can feel the tears build up
the hot, salty tears- there's no cover-up
and slowly, as i let go
i begin to feel at ease
and i suppose this is what you mean
when you tell of sweet release

(chorus)

no sooner than the tears slow
do i once again go
to that enchanting land
of "oh, IF ONLY..."
and much sooner than planned
i'm once again being torn apart.

(chorus)

Lord, rescue me from my self
leave those useless, hollow dreams on the shelf--
replace them with your peace,
and keep my heart steadfast.
drown me with your sweet release
and give me sleep tonight.

Monday, April 07, 2008

flirting?

why do girls flirt so much? i'm not saying i'm completely against flirting. i admit, i flirt occasionally... or should i say rarely... but some girls (and guys) just flirt incessantly. and it is SO annoying! is it just that those people think they won't be liked/noticed if they don't flirt?
help me out here.
honestly, i'm kinda mad at a couple people right now.
and i need to chillax.
so, i'm wondering WHY?!?!

Monday, March 17, 2008

one of those days

have you ever had one of those days when everything you do turns out so perfectly, it downright throws you off? one of those days that even when you TRY to mess something up, it won't? i had one of those yesterday. yesterday was an absolutely amazing day. most Sundays are incredible, I guess God just makes it that way, but yesterday was undeniably fun and... I saw God everywhere I went! Church was absolutely amazing, worship was awesome (as always!), and my Sunday school class lesson was very applicable to my life right now. It was one of those days when you leave the church smiling at God. But to make it even better, I went home with one of my best friends! Now, if you guys know me at all, you know how much I LOVE my friends! all of them! friends are like cherries on top of a God-blessed life. But yesterday I had the time of my life. Once we got to my friend's house, we did the whole girl talk thing for a while, ate some lunch with her brothers (sunkist is da best!), then went upstairs and got on the computer. we talked to a couple of her friends that were online, then her brother came in there. now, for those of you that don't know Peanut Butter, he is absolutely crazy. not in a weird way, just in a homeschooler-ish smart person way. (:P) so, we're in there chilling on the computer, listening to some awesome music (ladies love country boys!), and watching PB make a fool of himself trying to balance a globe on the tip of his foot. we hung out for a while, until PB called blueberries' boyfriend on his phone. so we went outside and started walking around, letting PB talk to strawberry pirates on his phone. Blueberries and I had an absolutely marvelous time joking around and walking around her neighborhood in bare feet. It was one of those wind-in-your-hair, sun-in-your-face, "what a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!" days. And I thank God for that! I needed one of those days. Life was dragging me down so much right after i returned from out of town last week. And I needed one of those good mood, joke around with friends days! So thank you God, Peanut Butter, Blueberries, and my other pair of parents for an absolutely marvelous day in God's beautiful world!!! =)

~cracker~
PS- tomorrow is my birthday. each and every one of you is invited to join me in celebration! call or email me for more info!!!! =)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Monday, February 18, 2008

spread this love like dandelions

This weekend was absolutely amazing. From making new nicknames to the best mac-n-cheese ever, from the fat camp hill to the chicken's water breaking, and from hilarious candid pictures to pigging out on Cheez-Its, the mission trip was probably the best one I've ever participated in. God was definitely with us and He helped us to do much more physical and spiritual work than I ever expected we'd do. Although singing in the black church was awesome and helping to renovate that house was a great experience, I believe my favorite part was when we were on the prayer walk and got to go in that church and sing with them and hear them sing. Although I never expected it to have that big of an impact on it, while we were in that church singing and praying, I realized how blessed I am and how much God has covered me with his grace. That ever-famous BJ Stricklin once defined grace and explained its differentiation from mercy. Mercy is like this:

A little kid whose mom tells him not to go play in the mud. The kid plays in the mud anyway, then he comes inside and his mom forgives him and gives him a bath and puts clean clothes on him.

But grace is like the little kid comes in all muddy and his mom gives him a bath and clean clothes, and lets him get cookies out of the cookie jar too. It's like even though he disobeyed, he repented, was forgiven, and BLESSED BEYOND JUST FORGIVENESS.

Over this weekend I realized how much I am like that little kid. Over and over again God tells me not to play in the mud, filth, and sin of the world. But I do anyway. And then when I come to Him with and humble and repentant heart, he forgives me, then blesses me with the chance to bless others with His love- just like he did this weekend. The one main thing I took away from this weekend is that ministering to people like the homeless, sick, and drug-addicts is not a thing that should make me feel good inside because I did something good. It makes me feel good inside because I got to spread God's love that he "poured out on me abundantly". (1 Timothy 1:14)

Monday, February 11, 2008

life is sweeping me away
i am flying through each day
dont have time enough for you
to hear what you want me to do

so make time in my life for you
i want to hear only whats true
not the lies that i hear constantly
that make me cry myself to sleep

im tired of living like this
not enjoying your heavenly bliss
not even noticing the beauty you've made
or remembering the price you paid

please change me, o God
i need your renewal
put a fire in my heart
and you be my fuel

Thursday, February 07, 2008

song i wrote

victorious
lyrics and music by me

You're telling me to turn around,
to jump and trust You to be there
it's hard to get off the ground,
to push myself into the air
without a muscle underneath me
i need Your strong arm to help me

but i know i can do it
You told me i could
You wouldn't let me do it
if you didn't know i would.

when i need a little lift
or even if i'm flyin high
the thing keepin me there's Your Gift
the Gift that i can't let die
Your Love livin in me
Your Grace flowin through me

and i know i can do this
you told me i would
i would never try to do this
if you hadn't said i could

if all i see is the mountain
and the fog just seems too thick
then come be my Eternal Fountain
full of water that heals the sick
You can heal me
and bring Your life back to me

and we know i can do it
i told myself i would
You'd never put me through it
if You didn't know i could

i'm gonna make it when i try
push past all that's in my way
never let Your Spirit die,
it keeps me goin through th day
Your hand upholds me
Your breath supports me

this time i really did it
just like You said i would
cuz i believed you'd help me do it
when i never thought i could.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

sometimes you don't realize something has happened until it's described

Remember Surrender by Sara Groves

Remember surrender
Remember the rest
Remember that weight lifting off of your chest
And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was

Remember surrender
Remember relief
Remember how tears rolled down both of your cheeks
As the warmth of a heavenly father came closing in

I want to do that again
Why can't I live there
And make my home In sweet surrender
I want to do so much more than remember

Remember surrender
Remember peace
Remember how soundly you fell fast asleep
In the face of your troubles your future
still shone like the morning sun

Remember surrender
Remember that sound
Of all of those voices dying down
But one who speaks clearly of helping
and healing you deep within
I want to do that again


Why can't I live there
And make my home
In sweet surrender
I want to do so much more than remember
Remember
Oh surrender

welcome to midnight.

Do you ever feel like your path with God is a big ol' question mark, instead of a straight line like it seems it should be? 2018 has bee...