Tuesday, December 22, 2009

love unawakened

{{the love unawaked blog is: www.jenniferandkathryn.blogspot.com}}

"A couple weeks ago, Kat asked me to write about my experience of having a pure relationship, to share it with all yall that read Love Unawakened. I'm gonna be honest, I'm not the greatest writer, and not the most amazing person. But I believe that God has worked in my life so much, not only for my sake, but so I can share his great deeds with others! Back in March, I re-met a guy I'd known from a couple years back.. We eventually found each other on facebook and started talking. To make a long story short, he asked me out 3 months later. He was very sweet and gentlemanly, complimented me a lot, and I started thinking that he was "the one". Now, I'd made a purity pledge back in middle school and was sticking to it. The thing was, he lived about an hour or so away from me, so we didn't get to see each other face-to-face that often. Needless to say, the temptations to risk purity in our relationship were almost nonexistent because we rarely saw each other, so that ended up being a good thing. He told me that he thought I was the girl that God wanted him to marry, and many other sweet things along those lines. And I ate up every single word he said. After having been his girlfriend for about 4 months, we went to the movies one day. It was our first "date" without other friends with us, but our moms were still there (mostly because our families barely knew each other). We got in there, and were able to sit by ourselves up in the top of the theater. And here is where I want to point something out to you- it IS possible to be dating, and go to the movies together and not be putting your virginity on the line. I know you hear that you shouldn't sit in a dark movie theater alone with your boyfriend, and I agree with that. Too many things can happen. But I also think a lot of times, you can choose what you will and won't do. And there is NOTHING whatsoever that can make you give in to temptation. You can say no. It will be hard... but you can. That day in the movies, he held my hand for the first time. He is the only guy I have ever held hands with, besides my family. And that was the only time we held hands. I loved it... but after we broke up, that was the one part that kept playing itself over and over in my head. I can't imagine how hard it is for those who kiss each other, or go all the way, to get over their "other half" after breaking up. Knowing how hard it was for me to move past simply holding hands with a young man makes me realize just how precious those physical intimacies are, and how imperative it is to save that for your future spouse! Please don't get me wrong.... I'm not condemning those who have gone farther than I have, or saying that it's wrong to kiss your boyfriend. I believe God gives each of us certain boundaries that we shouldn't cross, and that sex should be saved by all until marriage. But I want to encourage you to save those special moments for whoever you get married to. Each time you let one of those out, you're awakening a little more love. Just like Song of Solomon 8:4 says, “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Remember that God did create us to love that closeness we share with other people, but that there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed. If you haven’t done so yet, I strongly urge each of you to sit down and make a list of your convictions- basically what you will and won’t do. It may include “I won’t have sex until I get married”, “I won’t listen to suggestive music” or “I will pray daily for my future spouse and his/her purity”. Let God lead you to what He knows is best for you. He has a wonderful plan for you that he longs to see unfold, if you’ll just follow Him!"


Friday, December 04, 2009

I'm having another one of those nights.
The tidal waves of emotion buffet me and I can't seem to calm my swirling mind.
The only thing that makes sense is music.
But it's late and I can't be too loud...
It's not as bad as it has been before. I'm able to hold back tears, and pretend I'm ok, even if my mind seems glued to this subject.
Somehow the music just pervades the memories, disappointments, and wishes, and melts it all away.
That line of "The Opening of the Piano" by Oliver Wendell Holmes was written for me. I kid you not.
These times when my heart so longs to just stop (and although I am too scared and not stupid enough to cut, I want to)... these times are when I sprinkle the music over my Sorrows. most of the time it helps. But sometimes, sometimes it just doesn't do enough good.
And it's then that God reminds me that only He can truly heal me and ease my spirit.
"Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." -Job 5:17-18

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

lyrics that describe my life currently <3

"did you forget that I was even alive? did you forget everything we ever had? did you forget, did you forget about me? did you regret ever standing by my side? did you forget what we were feeling inside? now I'm left to forget about us. but somewhere we went wrong. we were once so strong. our love is like a song... you can't forget it. so now I guess this is where we have to stand. did you regret ever holding my hand? never again.. please don't forget. don't forget."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"I'm waiting. I'm waiting on you, Lord, and I am hopeful. I'm waiting on you, Lord, though it is painful. But patiently, I will wait. and I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience, while I'm waiting."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"I'll watch the night turn light blue, but it's not the same without you- because it takes two to whisper quietly. The silence isn't so bad, till I look at my hands and feel sad, cuz the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.... but drenched in vanilla twilight I'll sit on the front porch all night, waist-deep in thought because when I think of you, I don't feel so alone."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"clouds start comin' and the sky will fall, clock stares back from the bedroom wall, now you're breathin' just to make it through the night. all you need is a sunrise- just a moment of dawn. if you're lost in the twilight, close your eyes and move on. when you're tired of the waiting- even though it's gonna take you a little more time... just a little more time, and the sun's gonna find you."
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
"Why would you wanna make the very first scar? why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart? maybe I should've seen the signs, should've seen the writing on the wall, and realized by the distance in your eyes that I would be the one to fall. no matter what you say, I still can't believe that you would walk away. it don't make sense to me, but- why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Friday, November 27, 2009

Praise You In This Storm

I'd never been flat out rejected. Never been straight-up told, "I don't want to be with you anymore."
Never, that is, until now.
Of course, there was never anyone that really needed to tell me that, so I'd never experienced that kind of pain. It had always been I that had ripped out my own heart. And then... I gave someone else the chance to do that. And he did, sure enough. Sure, sometimes the pain is invisible or just disappears momentarily. But there was something that ripped..... There had to have been something that happened to cause such pain. So much that I go hoarse when I sing certain songs because the memory of it all overwhelms me to the point that I can't do anything but cry, and I do good to breathe enough to get all the tears out before my eyes flood. At those times, as the remembrance overwhelms my mind, my chest tightens. And, try as I might, I can't stop the tears from coming. The need to hate or hurt something, ANYTHING, in order to stop this feeling. To get control of SOMETHING. Because the rest of me is so out of control. But despite all that, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me, or had any malicious intentions. but he's gone now, all the same. and my heart sometimes throbs with the ache of emptiness that echoes in his part of it. lost hopes. broken memories. But at least he didn't leave me for someone else, or cheat on me, or even gotten sick of me (to my knowledge). It wasn't me, he said. He claimed he still liked me (was it just to make me feel better, I wonder?). He said he just wasn't ready for it; didn't like being in a relationship. I guess it just goes to prove that guys do mature slower than girls. and no offense meant by that, males. it's simply scientific. but anyway... I just began experiencing a new and different pain. Pain that this time, it's definitely over. Pain of how horrible a person I must be to have felt so relieved. because I knew it was coming, and I'm partially just glad that the breaking up process was so short. Like ripping off a bandaid. But just because the process was short doesn't mean the aftereffects will be. Yet true healing takes time, I suppose. and I'm taking comfort in the fact that God takes away the good to give you something better. I'm trusting His perfect plan for me- that will prosper me, and give me a hope & a future. No matter how long it takes, I will let Him use this time as He wishes, to grow me and prepare me for my future.
..."The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear. And I don't know the reason why You've brought me here. But just because You love me the way that You do, I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to."...
..."And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain- 'I'm with you.' And as Your mercy falls I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. And I will praise You in this storm, and I will life my hands. For You are who You are- no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You've never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm."
{journaled on November 3rd}

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Words.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all just words. If everything people say, is only said for the purpose of being said. With no meaning, no heart, no intentions. I wish it weren't, and hope it isn't. But it simply seems so logical. If people will lie to get what they want, then surely they will just as soon say things they don't mean to get what they want. I realize that that's a very cynical way to look at the world. But recent and past experiences lead me to believe that this is very accurate. Not always, and not with all people. But with many people and most of the time, humans will say (or do) anything they can to get their way in life- including spitting out meaningless words. I do think, though, that sometimes people don't even realize that there is no heart in their dialogue. We are all guilty of occasional empty language, so to speak. But some of us more so than others... including me. I've found myself lately really examining what I tell people. Do I do what I say I will do? When I tell someone I love them, am I just saying it, or am I promising them that? If I compliment someone, do I really like their shirt or do I only say it to get their attention or to look good?
I once heard a poem that went something like this:
"You are writing a gospel,
A chapter each day,
By the deeds that you do
And the words that you say.
Men read what you write,
Distorted or true.
What is the gospel
according to you?"
Read that again.
MEN READ WHAT YOU WRITE WITH YOUR ACTIONS.
EVERYTHING YOU DO IS A STONE IN THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR AND OTHERS' HISTORY.
ARE YOU REFLECTING GOD AND HONORING OTHERS WITH YOUR SPEECH?
OR ARE YOU WRITING A DISTORTED PERCEPTION OF GOD'S FOLLOWERS THAT MANY OTHERS WILL SEE?
Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Is everything that comes out of your mouth helpful to others?
Does it enourage them? Build them up? Give them hope? Help them feel loved?
Or does it leave them discouraged, torn down, hopeless and feeling unworthy?
In Proverbs 15:4, Solomon instructs us: "The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."
God can use our words to help others, to benfit them, to heal them. But if we aren't careful with what we say and purposeful with our words, then that same mouth that speaks beneficial things, can stab hearts. It can tear down, discourage, and crush spirits. As much as we may try to be careful with our words, we'll all mess up sometimes. It's because we're fallen humans.
But that doesn't mean we should give up trying to be helpful with the words we speak. We shouldn't say, "Well no matter how hard I may try, I'm still gonna mess up, so why even try?"
That's the wrong mindset.
The good our words can do, with God, is so much greater than the damage they can do.
If you want to check some of this out on your own, Proverbs is full of everyday wisdom, and
James 3 is a chapter with some great advice on handling your words.

In conclusion, I'd like to share a recent story with you. A girl I know is currently in the breaking up process, and I actually just got "broken up with" as well. Obviously, it's beneficial for us to be going through this at the same time, cuz we can share scripture with each other and encourage each other with things God has done for us... not to mention sharing our frustrations and wishes for the past... of how various people (not just our "ex"s) had not said certain things... simply because they really didn't mean what they said when they said it, or weren't to the point that they were able to support their promises. Hawk Nelson, in their song "Words We Speak", helps us realize that people will make mistakes and say things they don't mean and leave us feeling empty. But in one of the last verses, they remind us that God won't do that. He will be there for us, when we are "so much more than incomplete".

{WORDS WE SPEAK.}
She woke up with a tear-stained pillow
She just broke up with a nice young fellow
All those tears you cry,
now it's time to say goodbye
You're on your own, you're all alone

We're better than the words you speak
So much more than incomplete
Figure out what life means out on our own
Words you say can't bring us down
We've all failed and hit the ground
Now it's time for us just to take control

Can't comply we're perfect in your eyes
We fall down but it's just a part of life

All those tears you cry,
now it's time to say goodbye
you're on your own you're all alone

We're better than the words you speak
So much more than incomplete
Figure out what life means out on our own
Words you say can bring us down
We've all failed, hit the ground
Now it's time for us just to take control

Now I'm here to let you know
That we can't make it on our own
What's mine is yours I'm letting go
You know I'd never doubt you
You know I'm lost without you
I'm giving you control

We're better than the words you speak
So much more than incomplete
Figure out what life means out on our own
Words you say can't bring us down
We've all failed, hit the ground
Now it's time for us just to take control

Monday, November 09, 2009

HE IS.

HE IS
by Aaron Jeoffrey

In Genesis, He's the breath of life
In Exodus, the Passover Lamb
In Leviticus, He's our High Priest
Numbers, The fire by night
Deuteronomy, He's Moses' voice
In Joshua, He is salvation's choice

Judges, law giver
In Ruth, the kinsmen-redeemer
First and second Samuel, our trusted prophet
In Kings and Chronicles, He's sovereign
Ezra, true and faithful scribe

Nehemiah, He's the rebuilder of broken walls and lives
In Esther, He's Mordecai's courage
In Job, the timeless redeemer
In Psalms, He is our morning song
In Proverbs, wisdom's cry

Ecclesiastes, the time and season
In the Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream
He is, He is, HE IS!
In Isaiah, He's Prince of Peace

Jeremiah, the weeping prophet
In Lamentations, the cry for Israel
Ezekiel, He's the call from sin
In Daniel, the stranger in the fire
In Hosea, He is forever faithful

In Joel, He's the Spirits power
In Amos, the arms that carry us
In Obadiah, He's the Lord our Savior
In Jonah, He's the great missionary
In Micah, the promise of peace

In Nahum, He is our strength and our shield
In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, He's pleading for revival
In Haggai, He restores a lost heritage
In Zechariah, our fountain
In Malachi, He is the son of righteousness rising with healing in His wings
He is, He is, HE IS!
In Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, He is God, Man, Messiah

In the book of Acts, He is fire from heaven
In Romans, He's the grace of God
In Corinthians, the power of love
In Galatians, He is freedom from the curse of sin
Ephesians, our glorious treasure

Philippians, the servants heart
In Colossians, He's the Godhead Trinity
Thessalonians, our coming King
In Timothy, Titus, Philemon He's our mediator and our faithful Pastor
In Hebrews, the everlasting covenant

In James, the one who heals the sick.
In First and Second Peter, he is our Shepherd
In John and in Jude, He is the lover coming for His bride
In the Revelation, He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords
He is, He is, HE IS!
The prince of peace

The Son of man
The Lamb of God
The great I AM
He's the alpha and omega

Our God and our Savior
He is Jesus Christ the Lord
and when time is no more
He is, HE IS!

Thursday, November 05, 2009

it's not the end, the end of the world, it's just another day.

so it's officially over. the end. c'est la vie.
the first night, I cried myself to sleep...
but slowly, under the scintillating daylight, I began to heal. Slowly, I realized that God has so much better for me than what I've been settling to lately. (Now don't take that to mean that my now-ex-boyfriend was horrible or way below me or anything... that's not what I'm saying at all! He was {and is} fantastic... but he's just not the guy for me. ya know? anyway...) I'd been settling into an all-time low: expecting so little out of myself and my friends, focusing on all MY problems and that junky high school drama that matters NONE... and God had let me experience the past 6 months or so for exactly that reason. He wanted me to see beyond ME, and focus on Him. on His people. on His love.
so I began to do that, expecting that new-found pain of breaking up to last so very much longer than it did. but, shocked I was to discover this: love really does heal your heart.
I found that as soon as I focus on His loving, and pouring it out onto others, He healed me.
I am so thankful for that... but I must admit, when it first happened, I wanted to curl up in a corner and just exist. I didn't want to wake up the next morning. That may sound extreme to some... but my artist's heart just works that way. But each night I cried less, each day I was more focused. God just pulled me back to His Heart, there is no other way to explain it.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Caramel Macchiato-induced self-realizations

I have entitlement issues. I understand that it is very strange for a female, especially one my age, to have issues accepting gifts. and I am the only girl I know (besides my mother) that has problems with this. I have seen small evidences of it many times, but was hit with the full effect of it a couple weeks ago. After a long day out, I found myself yearning for a piping hot caramel macchiato. When my parents stopped to buy my brother a 35 dollar video game (and ended up getting him a 20-dollar version of a game he already has), I felt slightly wounded, thinking that they almost never do that kind of thing for me. I sarcastically suggested that if he could have a 20-dollar video game, surely I could at least have a 4-dollar coffee. I was ok as we pulled off the road searching for a Starbucks. but when it wasn't where we thought it was, I gave up my want. Against my will, my parents went out of our way to get me a caramel macchiato. Which frustrated me greatly. As I sat in the car on the way home, the previously hot macchiato my mother got me sat untouched and cooled by the second within inches of my grasp. Yet I refused to drink it, or even touch it.
4 dollars were poured down the kitchen sink.
What I realized was this: If I do not have to work for something, it is almost always considered useless to me. If others must go out of their way to get me something, the guilt overwhelms me to the point of not wanting whatever it is. Twisted, I know. And while I feel bad for wasting these things sometimes, it doesn't begin to measure up to how... weak? spinless? needy? dependant?... I feel when I use and appreciate those things. So it all goes back to my needs and how much I hate needing things. How much I hate needing to depend on someone else. How much I hate simply needing anything that I can't get for myself.
I am so messed up.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

where the love lasts forever?

I never expected THIS to happen. or at least, not this way. I figured when it finally came, it would be a peaceful, mutual agreement. apparently not. maybe those who said it wasn't worth it, and that I shouldn't be in this, were right. and maybe I was wrong. but at the same time I was right. I knew that it was simply improbable, if not impossible, for someone that cared about me in such a way to mean it. to stay there in the hard times, and even when they didn't want to. I knew the day he left would come. I guess I just didn't expect it to be this soon. and surprisingly, I'm not that sad. I cried some earlier. now I'm just hurt, and extremely dissappointed. I thought he was better than all those others who left me. all the others who lied. all the others who were simply jerks. now, I'm not saying he is a jerk. at all. cuz he isnt'... he just needs some growing-up time. or to make up his mind. I really, honestly, have no clue WHAT he needs, but I know he doesn't need me. or want me. quite obviously.
this pains me so much to admit. because I really thought he meant all that stuff he said. yet at the same time, I kinda saw it coming.
Oh, Lord. I need you, so so much. This is going to be very hard to do, and I need your strength and comfort. Please be with me in this. Guard my mouth. Guard my heart. Hold me in your hands and never let me go.
As You Wish.

Friday, October 02, 2009

wish away today

sometimes I get so tired of
wondering what life would be like
I wish I could just know it,
not have to worry, wonder or hide.
why can't I just know my future,
not have to dream or wish?
is there a reason I stay so ignorant,
other than hoping for bliss?
so many questions, too much doubt and fear
not to mention my already-shaken
foundation of so-called confidence,
mingles with worry of breaking.
not my heart, not an arm,
the fear of breaking is not
vertical, no need for alarm.
I fear breaking myself, this fragile world.
It would crumble at any chance,
with a quick glance or terse word
it would break, all fall, and tumble.
I want to fly away with freedom of a bird
I want to get away from this mess
I call my life
sick of hurt, am I, and love.
sick of every kind of strife;
get me out of here, I beg
reach down and pull me from the box.
I wish to close my heart forever
make rusted all the locks.
yet as I pray this and wish
I see it as You do.
I see that there is no real life
if I have not pain too.
and while I wish to know my future
I only learn things from the past
I realize that to know what tomorrow held
would make my life fly by too fast.
so while I wish for more than this,
I hold fast to your promise:

"The LORD will fight for you,
you need only to be still."

Sunday, September 20, 2009

twenty-five after

my life is falling apart, in the most simple and peaceful way possible. strange, and oxymoronical, yes? my friends are all pretty much on good terms with me. my boyfriend is being sweet and we're getting along well. my parents are being nice to each other, which means our home is at peace. my siblings are behaving. life would be perfect.... if only the most important relationship were blossoming, or even more than simply stagnant.

but it isn't.

and it is.

isn't blossoming.

is stagnant.

it's killing me.

and at the same time I can't seem to get my act together and fix it myself.
God, I don't know where I went. or what happened so quickly to pull me so far from You. but I want you back. I want to be back, safe, at your feet and in your arms of love. Pull me back in, please. When I feel far from you, nothing goes right. Help me to get my act together, and seek you. Give me a hunger for you and your word. And please, just don't give up on me.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

DC*B Lyrics

He is jealous for me.

Love's like a hurricane,

I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

How He loves us all

He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves...

And we are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If his grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,

When I think about the way…

He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves...

Sunday, August 09, 2009

I never knew. I never knew that everything was falling through. That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run when all I needed was the truth, but that's how it's gotta be. It's coming down to nothing more than apathy. I'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears... Let's rearrange. I wish you were a stranger I could disengage- to say that we agree and then never change, soften a bit until we all just get along. But that's disregard. You find another friend and you discard, as you lose the argument in a cable car. Hanging above, as the canyon falls between...
I really never knew. I was oblivious, living my own life, selfishly blocking out their issues. I should've seen it coming, and realized that sooner or later my near-perfect habitation would fall pathetically. and oh, how it fell. massively, and life-changing, my world fell. I did need truth. but everyone that knew how miserable I'd been was either too busy, too selfish, or too spiritual to help such a wretch like me find truth again. the others... well, they were dancing in the stained-glass masquerade every sunday and wednesday... those "happy plastic people, under shiny plastic steeples, with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain." for so long I wandered in apathy, after the fall. I bathed in anger and slept in depression. I bought the lies, and ate the fable of my own unworthiness of salvation and joy. When I finally got pulled out of that slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, by my Loving Savior, I didn't want to face it. I wanted to run away. I thought no one was still there, that no one would be able to love me. I had seen myself as I truly am. Not the "oh, yes I am such a sinner, forgive me God, amen". He broke me. Every day I woke up I saw a shredded heart, full of depravity and perverse. I saw my vileness and desperate need for some kind of hope. I saw the way I would be without my God. and it scared me. But then He reminded me... I am not without Him, and I never will be again. "Though I have fallen, I will rise," I claimed Micah 7:7-9 over my life. "Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my Light... He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness." and, OH! I did, eventually. Between then, I tried to rearrange. The awkward conversations with previous best friends made me wish I could disengage. I wished I could just make a small compromise and go back to the way it had been. But as Aslan says in Prince Caspain, "Things never happen the same way twice, dear one." I couldn't go back. I had to press on, to God's goal for me. I was discarded. I lost her, I lost all that our friendship once had been. The canyon grew wider and wider, and the bridge got closed for renovations. It's still closed. but it's still being renovated. One day, someday, the bridge will reopen. The canyon will seem smaller. It will never be the same, but I've been told that when God moves you on from one thing, it's to take you to something better. You may not like it, but it's always better for you. and you know... we should trust Him. He made us. Who are we to think that the One who made us doesn't know what is best for our lives?
I know the He knew. He brought me to it. He took me through it. and now, here I stand. In His righteousness. I will never be the same. It was painful, yes. Very much so.
But also very worth it.
Now it's up to you to decide: is He worth seeking after, even if it means losing it all?
I think I'm on the brink of something large
maybe like a match being lit
or the sinking of a ship
LETTING GO GIVES A BETTER GRIP.
I'm finding everything I'll ever need.
By giving up, gaining everything
Falling for You for eternity-
right here, at Your feet, where I wanna be.
I am yours.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

kinda wish (for the gals)

chick flicks make my heart ache. literally.
I kid you not, every time I watch one, when the end comes, and the violin music swells- the climactic, romantic, expected ending comes- I find myself not simply wanting to cry... but wanting to see myself there in that scene, even if I were simply a bystander, so much, that my chest tightens and it's hard for me to breathe. and I'm not exaggerating. my throat gets dry and it hurts to swallow, and sometimes I get a little headache. (now you're probly calling someone to take me to the funny farm) but I'm serious.
do you ever do that?
I mean come on. chick flicks don't happen in real life, yeah yeah, I know. I think that's what makes them so popular. we want so badly to see SOMEONE be "completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy" that even if it isn't us, or someone we know, or even an actress we're familiar with, it makes us happy. makes us wish that it could happen. makes our heart ache for the times we think something somewhat similar could've happened to me. but those times are dead and gone now, over and done... checked out, left town, and moved to a different country.
yet somehow each time I watch a chick flick I find myself wishing. (if I find out I am the only one that does this, I just might go do something radical like dye my hair pink or shred my wardrobe and only wear lime green) don't you wish? just kinda hope, send up a little prayer... "hey God? uh... if anything like that is ever gonna happen........ well... please let it be to me." right?
yeah.
but you know... something like that can happen to you.
just not quite in the way you think it would.
if you're looking for the steamy love scenes and all that disgusting stuff, you might as well stop reading now and give up hope.
but if you just want to be loved... to be allowed to wish for something that seems impossible, and have it come true... well then you- YOU need to keep reading.
this man has loved you your whole life. literally. he wrote a book full of love letters to you- a book comprising 66 smaller books. 66 LOVE LETTERS! to YOU! how crazy is that?
not only that... but he really did hang the moon. if he needed to "lasso the moon" for you, he could. he made you and he knows you. he knows the VERY WORST THINGS about you. the deep dark secrets that no one else may know. and guess what?
HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. for real.
in one of his love letters to you, he promised he'd never leave you.
in another, he repeats over and over that he is jealous for your love.
isn't that enough? enough to convince you?
stop wishing on stars, and hoping while watching chick flicks.
dust off your love letters (the Bible, if you didn't know that by now) and just see how much He loves you.
it's true.
{if you have any questions, that's what the comment box is for}

Monday, June 29, 2009

choices, choices, choices!

the craziest time of my life is upon me. when I was younger, I always thought, "This would definitely qualify as the busiest and most confusing time of my life!"- and it did... THEN. but the older I get, the busier, crazier, more confusing, chaotic, hectic, and emotional it gets. I am not only about to begin my final year of high school- I am also adjusting to having my first boyfriend... having a younger sibling who's a teenager... and making some other important decisions and submitting some huge prayers. It amazes me how I find that the crazier my life gets, the more I find God in everyday situations. He permeates every part of my life and each decision. and while this is a hard time, since it's so confusing and emotional and simply hectic... It's so amazing. Now, I'm not one who handles stress well. AT ALL. I buckle. but at this time, I'm not buckling- cuz my God is supporting me now more than ever (and let me tell you, he's supported me BIG TIME in the past!). There are so many decisions to make (another thing I'm not so great at. I'm probably the most indecisive person that ever existed), but God is helping me and making it evident which way he wants me to go! I doubt I've ever been this happy. Not because my family is getting along. not because all my friends are getting along. not because I have a boyfriend. not because it's summer and I'm out of school. Although those may all have a little influence in what makes me so happy...... God is my joy. my peace, my confidant. comfort and love and... well, everything I need.
there's this one song that keeps playing in my head... see, I'm a dreamer. I want to be a influence, make a difference, do SOMETHING. and Satan is just too good at telling me I won't ever do that. But I think God's been using this song to help me with that.
and, well, I hope it helps you as well. =)

What Are You Waiting For?- Natalie Grant

Sometimes I get that overwhelmin' feelin'
So sad the faces on TV
If I try to make a difference, would it help anyway?
But then I stop and to myself, I say

So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
Now, it only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?

Sometimes I feel a little helpless
Seems like I can't do a thing
But anything is possible just you wait and see
Good things happen if you just believe

So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?

Someday, somehow you're gonna take that step
'Cause time is ticking away
Right here, right now, before it's too late
Gonna face tomorrow today,
yeah, yeah, alright yeah, oh yeah

So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?
So you wanna change the world
What are you waiting for?
Say, you're gonna start right now
What are you waiting for?
It only takes one voice
So come on now and shout it out
Give a little more
What are you waiting for?...

Friday, April 24, 2009

...

try to pour my heart onto this page,
but nothing will come.
I've safely locked it in a cage
don't know where these emotions come from.
I build up my wall
and You tear it right back down
somehow every time I fall
You find a way to wipe my frown

a heart so insecure
filled by love so complete.
my dreams so shattered-
Your will so concrete.
close my eyes and wish for more,
hold my breath and hope-
oh, God I need you to restore
my life, I don't think I can cope.

Friday, February 27, 2009

sand

I've only just now decided I like being irritated, confused, hurt, simply down. These times are the sand of my life. Storms, yes. But sand is so much more appropriate a title. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to run in dry sand? After a while, it HURTS. Your legs start burning and yet you keep pushing. Your face is contorted with pain. Every part of your body is now begging you to give up, to stop. Besides the fact that every single muscle in your legs and core is flooded with fiery pain, you can hardly breathe, and the hot sand is burning your bare feet, and the tiny irritating sand particles are all over you- making you itch and sweat.
Do you see it now?
Confusion. It hurts. after a while, you get so sick of not knowing what's going on, you just want to give it all up so you don't have to keep going on through the pain.
These are the times that truly try you, that really hurt... but you will look back later and it'll all click. It hurt, yes. and oh, it was so irritating. but you, just like a small pearl, are grown and shaped by those small continual irritants of life.
Do you want to be a pearl, a gem of greatest price? Let God use these irritants- big and small- to smooth, mold, and form you into the beautiful priceless treasure you can be.
(exodus 19:5) (psalm 51:17) (isaiah 55:8-9)

Friday, January 02, 2009

the time of inspiration and optimism

if there were ever a time for me to be overly optimistic, hopeful, excited, and just plain happy, it's now. and oh, I am. 2009! a new year! it's time to start a new chapter in my life. there are so many blank pages to be filled, and I'm looking forward to that. this year will be hard, painful, chaotic... maybe kinda scary. but it will be amazingly fun, and just plain aweshum. God, this is YOUR year. OUR year. I know now that you really will never leave me or forsake me or forget me or leave me alone or drop me... or any of the above. I know you're always with me, holding my fragile heart in your hands and singing over me. and I thank you so much for that. Go with me this year, i know you will, and give me the opportunity to really learn to love. I am so thankful for all these amazing friends and family you've placed here to surround me and show me your love when it feels like all is lost. so from here on out, I'm dedicated to you. I am determined to be absolutely and entirely for YOU and You alone. to wholeheartedly seek you. Give me courage and wisdom in this chapter of my life and help me to pass on my understanding to others. I am open for you to flow through. My heart's all yours, you know that. Do something amazing in me. Shine your light and let the whole world see that I'm YOURS. I keep my palms open to your will.
As you wish.

welcome to midnight.

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