Sunday, April 22, 2012

icky stuff like growing up and what ifs and overanalyzing.

"oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up, you can stay this little. oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up, things could stay this simple..."
I've had these weird moments lately where I realize what my mom must feel like sometimes. I don't really know why, maybe it's because I was gone for so long it made me really value being with my family. or maybe I'm just getting older and more maternal (blegh. like I need any more mommy tendencies?), but whatever it is, every time I listen to Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift, I cry. I realize how quickly life is going. I realize I'm growing up wayyyy to fast, and I'm not sure if I'm ok with that. On the one hand, I want to finally finish college and fall in love and start a family. On the extreme opposite side, though, I don't want to grow up and have to deal with adult problems; sometimes I'd much rather live with my parents forever and just take the easy way out.
However. I really do think the whole getting married thing sounds pretty spectacular. Even more so the taking care of tiny humans (scary, but awesome). Mostly because I love how everything is beautiful to kids. They expect the best of the world all the time and are hurt and offended and shocked when that isn't always the case. While it would be naive for me to fully retain that mindset, I try to keep it even though I'm starting into adulthood. Isn't life better when we expect beauty and view it with wonder? Today I was sitting on the couch, holding my now-16-month-old nephew and cuddling with him. We were giggling together and learning the difference between teeth and tongue when he suddenly became more solemn, though still smiling, and just put his little baby hand on my cheek and stared at me. I melted. (even now as I type, I'm getting all teary. Curse you, PMS.) I know he won't be a baby and think I'm wonderful forever, but I love that he does now. I love that even though sometimes all I see in myself is imperfection and blemishes, he doesn't really care about the 'adult' perception of beauty. He just sees someone he loves, someone who loves him, and that is the definition of beauty to this little man. How perfect.
Isn't that what beauty really is, though? I mean, seriously. Things you count as beautiful are things you love- for me, sunsets and curly hair and piano keys. Things you count as ugly are things you hate- pimples, traffic cones, and essay prompts.
I wonder if that's how God sees everyone as beautiful, maybe. Because really, the only thing God hates is sin. So wouldn't that mean even a sin-covered person is still beautiful in God's sight, just as a mud-covered person may still be beautiful to us, though caked in mud? We are beautiful because He loves us. We are loved because He is beautiful. just wow. How insane is He?

Also, I considered something really weird tonight. I know a woman, one who I consider to be an outstanding woman of God that I really look up to, who had a miscarriage. I ran across her story earlier this week and have recalled it randomly a number of times, and wondered why it kept sticking in my mind. Then tonight suddenly I thought... her son would've been my age, almost exactly. I'm already good friends with their family and am so inspired by her faith, and there are many connections I have to her beyond just a surface respect. But when I heard what her son's name was- Brandon- and realized he would be my age, I was dumbfounded. What if he had been born? We would've been friends, most definitely, and he would've been a crazy awesome man of God, as his dad is (and his mom is too, but a woman of God). and here sets in the weirdness: what if he'd been my future husband? Crazy, and WAAAYYY overanalytical, I know. But we're talking what ifs here, anything can happen. What if he was THE One, the only one ever, and that's it? He never even got to know this gorgeous world, or his amazing family, or me. And that leaves me, with my 'future' husband already in Heaven. I know I probably sound like I'm tripping on illegal drugs right now (promise I'm not!), but it just came in my head. So after I got over that WHOA! moment, I got to thinking even more (as if the overanalyzing/what if scenario-making-up wasn't bad enough). Mostly about my life so far, my past, and my future. If you're reading this blog, we must be pretty close friends, which means you should already know the fact that Becca has awful self-esteem. (but I'm getting better, and besides, 'I am confidence in insecurity'.)
{WARNING: IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO WHINING OR SELF PITY, READ NO FURTHER}
Well, I considered the fact that A) some of my less-than-stellar friends have boyfriends. 2) I don't. C) As a matter of fact, I've never really even been asked out.
which of course leads to:
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME.
Yeah, I know, "nothing's wrong with you, the right guy just hasn't come along yet." blah blah blah.
(I warned you already, I'm PMSing)
First let me address A- I know I'm not supposed to do this, and it's wrong, and God is dealing with me on this. But if we're really gut-honest here, sometimes I think of myself as better than others. Awful, I know. But I do it because, hey, guess what, I SIN.
SURPRISE!
But seriously. I know I'm not the prettiest girl on the block, but when you get me on a good hair day with makeup on, I'm really not terribly ugly. And at least I have some smarts and personality to balance that out, right? So I just wonder how some people I know/see that have ugly personalities or really greasy hair are in a relationship, and I'm (still) not. Geez people, you can't help but wonder what is wrong with you. I mean seriously.
2- I kinda already covered that.
C- No, seriously, unless you count facebook chat that one time that led to a five-month semi-long-distance fledgling relationship. No guy has ever even asked me to grab coffee or go to a swap. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nil.
So I guess all this amounts to is Becca's mini pity party that's gone on tonight. and I need to get over it, so I decided to whine a little more here since no one will really read it and my hand would be dead right now if I'd tried to WRITE all this, then be done. This is all terribly selfish and immature.
God is big. He is sovereign and faithful and working, even if I don't see it.
Keep that in mind, as I try to do the same.

welcome to midnight.

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