Friday, April 15, 2011

in repentance & rest.

to be quite honest, this semester hasn't been what I wanted or expected, in the least. you see, last semester I pretty much completely slacked off of studying my Bible & having a regular devotion. then about a month before Christmas, I got back in the awesome habit of it again, and stuck with it for a good three months. Then mid-february, it was like Satan saw me growing too much and started throwing everything he could at me to keep me from having a regular quiet time- and it worked. boy, oh boy, did it work. I hate admitting this. I hate having to 'fess up to my failures yet again. I hate being so raw and brutally honest with myself but really. What should I expect but depression and hard times when I'm not really walking the Walk? it's not that I'm not a Christian anymore... I just lost my passion, and I'm having a hard time finding it again. tonight, at the last KT meeting of the semester, I heard this really great song by Jesus Culture, called "Oh Lord, You're Beautiful". It says:
"Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.
Oh Lord, you're beautiful,
Your face is all I seek,
For when your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

I want to take your word and shine it all around.
But first help me just to live it Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown.
For my reward is giving glory to you."

as I sat there among my brothers and sisters listening to our voices mingling to bring glory to Our Father, He broke me. But first, help me just to live it, Lord. Just to live it. That's all I need right now. That's all I want, and it hasn't been, and I'm so happy it is. It feels like I've just been hugged by a long-estranged friend after an awkward semi-friendship, and we are once again close and sharing secrets. I love that feeling, and it seems as if Christ has enveloped me in it tonight. and as that cloud of peaceful oneness with God began to surround me again, during our time of worship at the meeting, we started singing of how He heals.

"You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, I believe

I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands"

Each day, He wakes me up. even though I don't care enough to take even three minutes to talk to Him or listen to Him... He still wakes me up. He still wants to hold my world in His hands. He still wants to heal my twisted, depraved, shattered, wicked heart. He wants to heal our relationship. He wants to heal my worried, frantic, judgmental thoughts. He wants to hold each moment even though most days I go about making mud of His name. He wants to calm my heart and give me indescribable peace, even though I reject it and choose worries instead. He wants to walk beside me in the fire, even though I choose to pity myself and wallow in despair.

I don't understand, God. Why do you want me as I am? Why would you want such a useless messed-up person to walk with You every day? Why do you want to heal me and love me and be with me even though I reject you? Why do you even wake me up each day when you know I'll do nothing but waste every second? Why do you care enough to burden my heart with Your will when you know I'll reason it away and take my own path? I don't understand you. I don't understand why you keep loving, or healing, or saving, or calming, or choosing, or using, or simply listening to me- to someone who flat-out rejects you over and over and over again. I don't get the fact that you keep re-kindling the flame in my heart for you after I let it die time and time again. I don't know why you do any of that.
But oh, how I thank You for it. Thank you for knowing better than I do and sticking with me when I am so much less than deserving of it. Thank you for choosing to heal my hurting heart over and over again when I bring myself to pain and destruction. Thank you for breaking me of my pride. I wish I knew how to thank you properly for everything you have done for me- and as cliche as it is, there simply is no way to express my gratitude. "When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I'll never leave Your hands." I am absolutely certain of that and so far beyond thankful for it. I could never make it if you didn't hold me and heal me, God. There is so much more to be healed, but I believe that You ARE my healer, that you're ALL I need. And I thank you for healing me, even as I type and cry and type some more. "I need You, oh I need You. Every hour, I need You- my One Defense, My Righteousness- oh God how I need You."
Obviously, God, I'm broken over my straying from You. Bring me back. As my 14-year old-self once wrote: my dreams I lay down, down at Your feet. my purpose now Yours, God- every part of me. My fears cast aside, my heart open wide, I'm ready for You to give me hope anew. So here I am. Here, in Your hands- broken & bruised, I'm ready for You to come and take me back, back to where You are. I've gone so far, lost my way, and I'm ready for You today.
oh, how much I still mean that. I'm repenting, God. I need healing and peace and rest. and You bring Your Word to my mind:

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it." - Isaiah 30:15

Though I *was* having none of it, I yearn for it now, God. I've repented... give me rest, and save me from my fears, worries, hopes, dreams, and mainly just save me from myself. Shelter my heart with quietness as I learn to trust you more and find Your strength in my weaknesses. Use this time to heal my heart: it's all Yours, God. I know I'm flawed and sinful, but I really do yearn to bring You praise. I yearn for my heart to be pure enough to let me see You. I yearn for my heart to be healed enough to want You and only You.

As I see my heart needing healing, and as I have repentance and rest on my mind, You recall a wonderful song you put in my heart not too long ago: "In repentance and rest is your healing. In quietness and trust is your strength."Heal me. I long for You to heal me.

Sunday, April 03, 2011


...which currently describe my life.
When shadows fall on us, we will not fear, we will remember. When all seems lost, we're thrown and we're tossed- we'll remember the cost we're resting in: the shadow of the Cross.
I have a Maker, He formed my heart. Before even time began, my life was in His hands. He knows my name. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when I call. I have a Father, He calls me His own. He'll never leave me, no matter where I go.
How long will this take? How much can I go through? My heart, my soul aches, I don't know what to do. I bend but don't break, and somehow I get through, because I have you. And if I had to crawl, well You'd crawl too. I stumble and I fall, carry me through. The wonder of it all is You see me through.
What is this doubt in me, convincing me to fear the unknown? When all along, You've shown Your plans are better than my own. But how can I be certain? Will You prove Yourself again? Cause I'm about to let go and live what I believe. I can't do a thing now, but trust that You'll catch me, when I let go.
And all I wanna do is walk out of this place. But when I am stuck, and I can't move, when I don't know what I should do, when I wonder if I'll ever make it through- I gotta keep singing. Gotta keep praising Your name, cause You're the one who's keeping my heart beating.
I get carried away, like I'm the only one who's ever felt the way that I do. But I can hear You say "You're not the only one, cause everybody hopes to get through". And it's got me sleeping in- Every day, God, it's the same thing. Yeah, you caught me sleeping in- I'm still hiding, I'm still waiting. I need You here with me to face the world outside, cause I'm tired of sleeping in.
...I feel like I'm slipping away. After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again- and there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain.

welcome to midnight.

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