Wednesday, March 31, 2010

caramel macchiato-induced self-realizations (version 2)

I'm not sure what it is about the warm and relaxing qualities of a steamy caramel macchiato that cause these startling observations of myself. but here I am again, hit by a thought that had never entered my mind.
calmly swallowing my coffee... then.. bam. it hits me. you don't accept yourself for who you are, becca. how can you expect others to like you if you don't see that you're likable? you live your life wanting to be like others. you want her hair, his eyes, eyelashes like she has, and a body that looks like hers. you want to be more bubbly like her, more confident like him, as kind as he is, and more like her. you are living your life emulating others, modeling yourself to be like fictional characters. why are you living like this?! don't you realize what you have before you? you are going to end up looking like a big bowl of melted rainbow sherbet! so full of different ideas and hopes that aren't even who you are, that you just look unappealing and confused. you lose yourself, somewhere between changing your favorite color and going from Jessica Simpson heels to Converse. and before you know it, you find yourself wondering... where did I go? I don't know who I am anymore.
Stop modeling yourself after what appeals to others. There is always gonna be someone who doesn't like you. There will always be someone you think is better than you.
Just live your life. Honor God. Have fun. Seek him. and realize that you don't have to be like someone else to be loved. "If they don't like you for who you are, they won't like you for who you're not," a wise friend of mine once told me. Remember that.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

ponderful life.

I kind of love life right now. even though I don't understand much of anything... somehow I feel as if I'm gliding through on a layer of joy and peace. is that a God-thing? I think so. for the first time in forever it feels like I'm completely happy. settled with friends. growing in Christ. at peace with family. and (as always) it kinda scares me. but you know what? I really don't care. because every time I start caring about what might be coming, or worrying about what ifs, it seems like I cause those things to happen. but when I just relax... let go, and let God... he works it all out. and you'd think I'd know that by now, from all the millions of times that I've realized this. but somehow I can't seem to put it into action each time. but then if I could, why would I need Him to remind me, right? ugh, I'm thinking in circles again. I could stand some sleep...

welcome to midnight.

Do you ever feel like your path with God is a big ol' question mark, instead of a straight line like it seems it should be? 2018 has bee...