Thursday, June 03, 2010

a heart of change, a change of heart.

WOW.
you know, they always say that when you ask God to move, you better stand back.
and I knew it was true, because I'd seen it in other people's lives. I'd even seen it in my own life, in a small scale.
but for once, I got my guts up and said... ok, God. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm doubting you. how can it possibly be that you have a good future planned for me? that you could ever take care of the mess I continually make of myself? that you could lead me so far down the path of your will that I eventually find a man that loves me and wants to marry me? I find that impossible. I find it impossible that you could perfectly plan out my future.
how horrible is that? but I figured, hey, he knows my heart anyway. I might as well just admit what's in there. my doubt was holding me back from so much, and I could tell. I was getting sick of letting my overwhelmed-ness take control of my thoughts.
so I told him to move.
I had nothing to lose, I said... here I am. I'm nothing, I'm empty, and I don't see how you can use me at all. but I want you to. I want you to change me. to transform me. to do something with this monotonous life that no one would believe.
and he did.
he is.
I'm a work in progress, I can promise you that.
he revealed himself to me. and he continues to do so, every morning that he wakes me up and says: "You're living for a purpose today, writing your legacy one jot at a time. Follow me."
I can't really explain away what happened...
but I opened my heart...
no, I take that back. it was nothing of my own doing. he opened my heart. he poured himself in.
he broke me.
I know now, he'll never let go of me.
he has every moment of my life in his hands.
and this is the safest I've ever felt.



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