...so it turns into a dance.

I sit here on my bed with this stupid smile on my face. over nothing, really... and wonder why the little things excite me so much. a rainy day, a complement, a cup of coffee, muffin tins... the weirdest things, that give me so much joy. and again, I wonder. why do I seek joy from these things day after day? why is it that when I'm not in good graces with friends, and I'm not making good grades, and my "love life" is nonexistent, I find it hard to have joy? should those things really matter that much to me? I excuse myself from it, in my head, then stop- while I *do* have the heart of the artist (awesome book, i'm working my way through it now), which causes me to find more joy or pain in things which others may only slightly care about, does this give me an escape from the realization that I care more about things of this earth than the Lover of my soul? It shouldn't. I should never be able to excuse myself from that truth. and, oh, what a glaring truth it is. sometimes it haunts me (kind of a double-whammie, the fact that when I realize I'm joy-less, it makes me more joy-less). sometimes it effects me so much less than it should: and today is the latter.

today, I wonder what's so bad about finding so much joy in wildflowers and guitars and when cute boys notice me. honestly, I don't think those things are bad... I think it's bad when those things matter more to me than my Savior & Lord does. which has sadly been an AWFUL LOT lately.

again, I find an excuse... it's spring! I tell myself. I'm simply twitterpated and overly hopeful and optimistic. this always happens... and maybe even part of it is that I'm really truly happy for the first time in a while.

again, I excuse the excuse. yeah, so I'm extremely, direly optimistic. does this give me any right to find more happiness and joy in these things than in Christ?

the answer should be no. the answer IS no, actually. my brain just doesn't really want to accept it- and even more so does my heart want to reject it.

I'm so pathetic sometimes. so selfish and stuck in my ways- and I find the gall to yell at God and ask Him why I'm here in this rut and why I'm not moving. How does he find the grace and patience to whisper back, "Because you won't let me pull you out, Child"?

He just astounds me and knocks me off my feet. which I love, don't get me wrong... but it sure is unexpected and awfully humbling. and I do mean awfully. anyway... I feel myself coming to the point where I accept His way. I know it's different from and higher than my way. I know his thoughts aren't mine, and his plans are so perfectly opposite mine. and His heart in me pulls me back to Him, pulls me back to the conclusion that maybe I should trust Him again. He's proved himself over and over, and still I doubt. Can't I, for once, just trust straight from the beginning? Trust that He knows what He's doing and will perfect His will according to His magnificent timing?

Ok, God. I see what's going on here, and I hear what you're speaking in my heart. Trust, you say. Somehow not quite a demand, but definitely stronger than a suggestion. Ok. Go. Move. Work. I've doubted, over and over, and I need you to forgive me, cause I can't live in a state of disrepair in our relationship. Heal my heart to be able to have faith in you. Take your time. Set the stage, ask me to dance, and lead me onto the dance floor. I'll let you lead, I'll let you set the pace. Just as long as you never let go and keep singing over me. I love your voice. Don't stop moving, don't stop singing. Hold me tight. I'm yours.