blemishes of arrogance

It has been quite a long while since I've blogged, so obviously things have built up over time. Last night came a minor emotional breakdown, during which I wrote in my journal, "I feel like this thing that has built inside me is closer than ever to rupturing, but isn't quite there. I don't even know what the *thing* is. It just is."
it's like this weird emotional/spiritual pimple waiting to pop.
And that's about as specific as I know how to word it.
Among the meetings, the classes, the tests, the projects, the friend dates, the plans, the car drives, the tears, the small joys, the words, the thoughts, the emotions, and the procrastination that has somehow filled this semester, I recently found myself living for the applause. I've never seen myself as one who lived for the limelight or sought out recognition, so it honestly shocked me last night when I realized what my ambition has been for over the past few weeks.
I've been living for others to say good things about me. I've been living for others to love me fiercely before I love them. I've been waiting for my recognition and for someone to pat me on the back publicly. I've been waiting to fit in with the rest of the MC Bubble and telling myself that I deserve to be recognized, loved, applauded, etc.
How arrogant. How sickeningly vain I have been.

Over the past 5 years or so of my life I've realized I basically never get anything I want. And by that I mean I will be wishing for something and then not get it and realize that it was a selfish desire. For example: Jobs (summer camps, summer part-time, etc.), Scholarships (Presidential, outside scholarship contests),  Honors titles/programs (Mortar Board, Who's Who, etc.), Relationships (let's not even go there.), and those types of things. I just never get them.
Basically my selfish desires that I have gotten are: college. London. KT.
The end.
I think part of what makes it so bothersome is that I continue to seek these good things to attain, and then fall short of them.
Not that I'm not grateful- I'm so glad that God knows better than I do.
But it stinks, how much I want these things and how GOOD they are, but then I don't get them because they aren't GOD's for me.

Last night as I was bemoaning how I didn't get Who's Who (and that I deserved that honor and should've gotten it! I'm a good student, I have a great GPA and my teachers love me and WHY DIDN'T I GET IT…) and still sulking over my latest failure in the area of 'love life', God jolted me a little.
Um, Becca. They're all just titles. They're things that will sit on the shelf collecting dust and no one will remember. You have spent your year learning to listen and care and love fiercely. You're still growing, but isn't it better for your heart to be beautiful than for your resume to be?

Thanks for that one, God. Really boosts my ego.
But seriously.
I started thinking about that old song, Legacy by Nichole Nordeman.

"I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me

And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
And you could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all the who's who's and so-and-so
That used to be the best at such and such
It wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta Boy' or 'Atta Girl'
In the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough
To make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name
Unapologetically and leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long a while
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough
To make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name
Unapologetically and leave that kind of legacy

Not well traveled, not well read
Not well-to-do or well bred
I just want to hear instead
"Well done good and faithful one"

I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough
To make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name
Unapologetically and leave that kind of legacy

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me."

It suddenly all made sense. I've been seeking the trinkets, the treasure piles, and the galleries full of accolades.
How pathetic.
My family began reminding me of this when I was home for Thanksgiving (I have been so blessed to be raised by parents who are leaving marvelous legacies), and it all suddenly clicked.
Why am I not thankful for and content with my growing ability to love? Why do I feel the need to be patted on the back and loved first? Simple selfishness and fear.
Fear that I am not good enough or cool enough or lovable enough or worthy or whatever "enough" you want to fill in the blank.

Also, let's address the biblical part of this arrogance and need for recognition. In Matthew 6, God clearly addresses it: "Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." (Matt. 6:1-7, emphasis mine)

Ha. Thanks again, God.
Right in the heart.
Self, be reminded: God is there with you and sees what you are saying and doing. He will reward what needs to be rewarded- you must not seek it out yourself.
In doing so, you are only filling this heart blemish with more impurity to have to squeeze out later.