Just a few minutes ago, I was reading a HelloGiggles article entitled "How to Feel Better When Everything is Just the Worst", and it made me cry. They say there's a first time for everything, and today was my first time to cry at a HelloGiggles article, so there's that. Anyway, I was reading it and attempting to take some of its advice and I got down to #8 and I almost lost it. It looks like this:
A while back, I was talking with a friend and we were discussing our "crazy stupid huge dreams"- those things you envisioned for your life when you were younger, or things you consider when you daydream, that you would love to see happen in your life in some weird ideal version of adulthood. And he told me all these grand ideas and hopes that he had, some of which were quite possible, and we discussed them for a while.
Then he asked to hear mine. and I conveniently changed the subject and avoided the topic because I realized this one devastating fact:
I have none.
literally, my "crazy stupid huge dreams" note on my phone looks like this:
and has since September 14, obviously. isn't that depressing? I thought so too.
I re-realized it tonight upon reading the article and got super depressed all over again.
I feel like I should know what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going and what my goals and dreams are, but all I really know is the general direction I'm headed and that I, in fact, do NOT know what my goals and dreams are.
I want to be astonishing and live a bright, vivacious life. I want to do things that matter and love people and see things and think and cry and love and dream and scream and hope and fly and listen.
and that's all I've got.
Vague, cliche hopes of being someone important and doing things that count. Every human has that.
Somewhere I long the way, I think, I certainly must have had big, specific dreams. I remember praying detailed prayers and begging for His desires to become mine, and to be granted. But I really don't know what those desires are. And I'm not entirely sure that they belong to me yet.
And, gosh, the LAST thing I want to be is The Girl Who Had No Dreams.
one thing I want to never have to be said at my funeral is, "she lived a small life."
and it scares me that I currently am.
with no specific hopes or intentions or ideas for changing that.
A big heart and a big life and big love and big hopes and big dreams and big adventures and big words and big, fulfilled promises: that's what I want for my life.
and I don't know how to get there or what to hope for or what to pray or what to dream of.
because really, honestly, the only 'big' things in my life right now are big weird plans I don't understand and big buckets full of my tears.
on the real, y'all, I have full-out wept three times in the last three days, and teared up 8 times in the last three days.
last night I read my favorite author's most recent blog post: Stop Sleeping with Liars (and it facilitated one of the weeping moments). At one point, she said:
"you’re human. That’s it. You’re not super human. You’re not subhuman. You’re just plain human. You make mistakes. You don’t scale walls. You hurt people without ever intending to. You get your heart ripped out of your chest. Some days the only language you can endure is tears and you’re like, “I’M SO FLUENTTT IN TEARSSSS. WHATTT ISSSS WRONNGGG WITHHH MEEE???” Like I said, you’re human. Go with it." -Hannah Brencher
and that got me good. I'm INCREDIBLY fluent in tears, especially these days. I have no dreams for my life and that terrifies me and all I know to do is just keep plodding along through each day.
when all that I can sing is a broken 'Hallelujah',
when my only offering is shattered praise,
still a song of adoration will rise up
from these ruins,
and I will worship You and
give You thanks...
even when my only praise
is a broken 'Hallelujah.'
-Mandisa
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