Praise You In This Storm

I'd never been flat out rejected. Never been straight-up told, "I don't want to be with you anymore."
Never, that is, until now.
Of course, there was never anyone that really needed to tell me that, so I'd never experienced that kind of pain. It had always been I that had ripped out my own heart. And then... I gave someone else the chance to do that. And he did, sure enough. Sure, sometimes the pain is invisible or just disappears momentarily. But there was something that ripped..... There had to have been something that happened to cause such pain. So much that I go hoarse when I sing certain songs because the memory of it all overwhelms me to the point that I can't do anything but cry, and I do good to breathe enough to get all the tears out before my eyes flood. At those times, as the remembrance overwhelms my mind, my chest tightens. And, try as I might, I can't stop the tears from coming. The need to hate or hurt something, ANYTHING, in order to stop this feeling. To get control of SOMETHING. Because the rest of me is so out of control. But despite all that, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me, or had any malicious intentions. but he's gone now, all the same. and my heart sometimes throbs with the ache of emptiness that echoes in his part of it. lost hopes. broken memories. But at least he didn't leave me for someone else, or cheat on me, or even gotten sick of me (to my knowledge). It wasn't me, he said. He claimed he still liked me (was it just to make me feel better, I wonder?). He said he just wasn't ready for it; didn't like being in a relationship. I guess it just goes to prove that guys do mature slower than girls. and no offense meant by that, males. it's simply scientific. but anyway... I just began experiencing a new and different pain. Pain that this time, it's definitely over. Pain of how horrible a person I must be to have felt so relieved. because I knew it was coming, and I'm partially just glad that the breaking up process was so short. Like ripping off a bandaid. But just because the process was short doesn't mean the aftereffects will be. Yet true healing takes time, I suppose. and I'm taking comfort in the fact that God takes away the good to give you something better. I'm trusting His perfect plan for me- that will prosper me, and give me a hope & a future. No matter how long it takes, I will let Him use this time as He wishes, to grow me and prepare me for my future.
..."The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear. And I don't know the reason why You've brought me here. But just because You love me the way that You do, I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to."...
..."And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain- 'I'm with you.' And as Your mercy falls I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. And I will praise You in this storm, and I will life my hands. For You are who You are- no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You've never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm."
{journaled on November 3rd}