I celebrate this moment.

hello, world. it's me, Becca. and guess what? tomorrow is Christmas. actually, if you want to be technical, it will be Christmas in one hour and 5 minutes.

as this holiday has so quickly approached, I got so lost in it. I forgot about it, yet it was at the back of my mind constantly (does that make sense?). see, being in college has been a huge step for me. and let's just say that finals week was NOT a piece of cake. I studied my booty off and stayed up till all hours of the night, and I still managed to make time for social activites to chill myself out a little. in fact, my whole semester pretty much looked like that. with a little bit of the rush process mingled in there early on. and of course some BSU, church every sunday, and LIVING in the practice room.

it's safe to say that my entire semester, I was teaching myself to be better and better at going through the motions.

"how are you today?"

"I'm great, you?"

"good! see you later."

...that was my typical conversation with friends that I crossed with in passing.

again, it's safe to say that "I'm great!" was pretty close to THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH. not that I was rebelling against God all semester (eh, let me come back to that), or that I was constantly in emotional breakdown mode. I just settled into that rut of doing what I had to do and living my life without passion. I find it weird that I let myself do that, cause I've always been a passion person. I've always fought for what I held close and made sure I squeezed every bit of juice out of the lemons life threw at me. but somehow, I settled. for mediocrity. for apathy. for oblivion. for what was expected.

and I've always hated doing what is "expected" of me. I purposefully chose not to work at Chick-fil-A because both of my older siblings have and I was practically already on the payroll. I wanted to do something different, something out of the ordinary, that stretched me more and that wasn't what I was "supposed" to do. which is precisely the reason I took German in high school. and taught gymnastics instead of working at Chick-fil-A. and chose loyal friends over popularity.

anyway, this whole semester I've done pretty much the opposite of that. I settled into what I was "supposed" to do. get little sleep, probably not study enough, watch borderline movies, learn the lyrics to the hippest songs, forsake my daily quiet time. because, after all, college students are SUPPOSED to stray from God. right?

now I just sit here and shake my head at myself. How dare I waste 4 and a half months of my life, when God has blessed me with so much and such a vast mission field? I may not have openly "rebelled" against God. I didn't start drinking or smoking or doing drugs or sleeping around (good gracious, I haven't even gotten my first kiss yet). I didn't even stop going to church. I go to bible studies all the time and hang out with "good" kids. But when I only do that because it's become a routine in my life, what good is it?

this reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13, and I think the paraphrase of The Message puts it well.

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."

and while I really want to pull out my Strong's concordance and see if the translation of "love" here has anything to do with the PASSION I was talking about earlier, I will refrain from bringing in a full-blown sermon right here.

can I just say this? I need to confess it.

I spiritually wasted the past 4 months of my life, and I regret every second of it. You know you don't read your Bible often enough when you open it one day and read a Psalm and feel like you've just taken a shower, because you forgot how wonderful the Scriptures are.

God, please forgive me. I got so lost in keeping up my routine this semester and doing what I was "supposed" to do, I totally lost sight of what life is even about. I forgot what it was like to seek you wholeheartedly. and I hope and pray that you'll help me remember. awfully quickly. I really am truly sorry for how I spent these past few months; please redeem that time I wasted. My heart is yours, it always will be. but I pray that you would "give me one pure and holy passion. give me one magnificent obsession. give me one glorious ambition for my life: TO KNOW AND FOLLOW HARD AFTER YOU."