Everything has changed so much, and is so different now.
Especially with Peyton.
I mean, things are changing and different and GOOD with all my other friends.
But with Peyton, it feels like I was 10 feet from an exploding bomb and am still discovering shrapnel embedded in my skin.
I dunno, maybe that's a little melodramatic.
The truth, though, is this: each time I am with Peyton since I "lost her" or whatever that was happened, it's like we're both just pretending we're the same as we were in 9th grade when we were so close. Like we're pretending nothing ever happened and we can be friends again. But we both know neither of those are true, or ever can be.
No offense to Peyton; I still love her. She still holds a special place in my heart (even though that part is often aching). She is a huge part of my memories from middle and high school. But our friendship is not what is used to be, and I feel like there's no use in even trying to become friends again.
Is that bad?
Don't get me wrong- we're friends. technically. but it feels so much more like an awkward ex-friendship than a growing friendship.
I can barely even remember what happened. Will it bother you if I recap from the beginning? I need to get some of this shrapnel out.
When I was in 5th grade, I was in Mr. Jeff's sunday school class. and I ADORED it. I learned so much about my Savior & His Word in that class. I am so grateful that God put me there. Well, in 6th grade I was in his class again, and since it was a 5th and 6th grade class combined, his 5th grade daughter Peyton was included in that class. The day she walked into sunday school and said "HI! I'm Peyton!" I remember thinking "She's gonna be my best friend." Well, I was right. We became fast friends- so much so that since I was a grade ahead, her parents actually asked mine to consider holding me back a year in my schooling and in church programs so that Peyton and I could be in classes together. My parents, however, decided to let me stay with the group of friends I'd grown up with since we moved here in second grade. But Peyton and I were still friends. 7th grade came for me and we were going to each other's birthday parties and giving each other nicknames and writing notes in secret codes and having sleepovers- sure we would be best friends FOREVER. Just as any pair of giggly 11-year-old girls would be expected to be.
Well, when she moved up to 7th grade, things changed a little. She started hanging out with the "popular" crowd (ones that had always preferred not to hang out with me and my 'outcast' friends). I got mad, and jealous (after all, Peyton SO had it all) and slowly gave up on being friends with Peyton. I managed to live without her for a couple years. then came September 24th, 2007. We were both in youth choir and somewhat accidentally had re-joined our friendship ties within the prior couple of weeks. Well we ended up on the same bus. along with her best friend at that time, a guy I'd had a crush on for the past two years, a guy that was slowly winning my heart, the second guy's girlfriend, and some of my best friends. (Yeah. it was pretty complicated for 10th grade.) It was a blast of a trip and we called that day our anniversary- the day we decided to move past the past and be best friends again. Things were fine and dandy and just plain wonderful- we were full-fledged "BFFs", complete with sleepovers, inside jokes too many to count, prank calling boys we liked, and the friendship journal. We would write back and forth about things that were happening in our lives- it became like superglue between us.
I'm not sure what happened, then. Maybe it was just God's timing. Maybe I became selfish. Maybe she did too. Whatever it was, things quickly came to an end. We'd always told each other, "God lets many people walk into your life. There are some who you let walk away, some you let stay, and some you refuse to let go. I REFUSE TO LET YOU GO." it had been kind of our motto. Through a long, drawn out course of events (which I honestly don't even remember now) I realized: it's time for me to let her go. We were moving in opposite directions and hampering each other from living our lives to the fullest. So, with much sorrow and through lots of tears, I sat her down and tried to explain how we were in different seasons of life and it was time to let go. I felt like I was stopping God from working in my life, and it was miserable. But that wednesday night after we "broke up", it felt like my life had ended. I came home and cried for hours, until I cried myself to sleep. I was pretty sure I had done the right thing, but I was so depressed all I could do was mourn the loss of my best friend. For a good two to three months, I cried myself to sleep every night. I hated that summer of 2008. I didn't want to wake up in the mornings. It was the darkest time of my life.
Eventually, I began healing. It took time, and it still is. But we've matured and moved on to the point that we can actually talk about the past and reminisce and hang out without going postal.
I still don't know what happened. I don't know what changed to make us break up, and what brought us back together.
But can I just say that My God is in control? and he's working things our for my good- because I love him. he's called me to His purpose and guiding me as I live it out.
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