Christmas (plus a few days)

A few weeks ago, I remembered how He came like the winter snow. I love this song by Audrey Assad- she says all these ways our Savior could have come: like a fire, a hurricane, a mighty storm... but instead, He came like the snow- it perfectly depicts the peace Jesus brought to the chaos and muck of humanity when He came as a child.

As one of my favorites, J. Vernon McGee, put it: "Here comes God out of eternity, already the Ancient of Days; but He also came to Bethlehem, a little baby thing that made a woman cry." The least expected thing in the most needed way.

I can't help but remember waking up in the wee hours of the morning that February day, in the yellow guest bedroom at 14 Oakleigh Crescent in a London suburb. I was one of millions of Londoners who slept as the snow blanketed our houses and streets and sidewalks and cars, quiet and soft and slow. Something happened to wake me up, though, and I crept to the frosty window and peeked out into street and saw snow- SNOW!- everywhere. Inches and inches of snow, more than I'd ever seen fall at once, lit by the yellowed streetlights. Joy bubbled around within me, and I began tearing up.

IT CAME!- my one thought.
They had said it would, but I was skeptical.
Then it did. While I was sleeping, unaware. But something woke me up and all the sudden, there it was: five (or more) glorious inches of white, fluffy, frozen water making me cry.

Isn't that just how you imagine Christ coming? I'm not saying that night in the stable was quiet or soft or slow in the least-- I think it was probably the opposite. But I think about those hours after He had come, when He had finally stopped crying and finally fell asleep like the rest of the people in the Town of David. 
Maybe some young girl, who like me felt as though this town she was visiting was meant to be her hometown, awoke in the middle of the night and heard the word. 
He came. Maybe she always wondered whether He would or not; and then He did. 
"Already the Ancient of Days", but here in this tiny town in a tiny baby's helpless body, He just came and made another young girl, one who had no idea what she (or He) was doing with her life, cry. 

It turns out, this Jesus guy chose to come as something vulnerable and weak because He knew that was the only thing we could truly relate to: being helpless and desperate and reliant. 

For some reason, as Hark! The Herald Angels Sing says, this Savior-child was "pleased, as man, with men to dwell- JESUS, Our Emmanuel." He came to live with us so that we could live in Him and through Him.
I always get convicted by Christmas carol lyrics; it seems to be a different carol that strikes me each year. It seems like I'm continually hating O Come All Ye Faithful (because let's be real: if the invitation to 'come' is only to the 'joyful, faithful, and triumphant', then 90% of days I would not be invited). 
This year it was It Came Upon A Midnight Clear (specifically the third verse) that brought me to tears:

O ye beneath life's crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow;
Look now, for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
Oh rest beside the weary road
And hear the angels sing.

Now THIS one... this one gets me. 
"O YE BENEATH LIFE'S CRUSHING LOAD", it starts, and there I want to raise both my arms. 
ME ME ME, THAT IS ME, HELLO YES PLEASE PICK ME BECAUSE I AM WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO.
then it starts qualifying it, like those ads for COPD drugs ("do you struggle breathing? do you find yourself wheezing after walking?") and continues: 
"HEY YOU! YOUR FORM EVER BEND LOW?
YOU TOIL ALONG THE CLIMBING WAY SOMETIMES?
STEPS EVER FEEL PAINFUL? SLOW?" 
Yes, yes, yes. All of the above.
Have we got a cure for you!

Hannah Brencher  has kind of changed how I think about golden things. She mentions it a lot and it made me start thinking about it and noticing those gilded, glittering things, and realize that they're everywhere. God's Word talks about gold A LOT. 
Apparently it's a condition (not a thing) to be sought after. To be golden! What a thing to seek. 
And here, 'upon a midnight clear' we are offered it as the cure for our troubles: glad and golden hours.
They're coming swiftly! Get ready! Come rest with us and hear the angels sing so you don't miss the glad and golden hours we'll experience when we rest in Him together!
(I literally cried at this point in the song)

I'm convinced that I'm not the only one 2014 has been rough to. I'm sure that at least a few other people experienced bittersweet moments on Christmas week or cried on Christmas Eve or wished things were different. 
There have to be others of you who have toiled along some this year, who have climbed until you thought you couldn't climb any more, who have walked and walked and walked until there were blisters and scrapes and all you could do was drag yourself forward one small step at a time. 

But if you've been with Jesus for a while, or maybe if you've read Hinds' Feet on High Places, then you know that when He plants the Seed of Love in you and asks you to follow Him, the journey is far from easy. 
So many times you deviate and have to find your way back, or wish to turn around, or just cry your little eyeballs out because you're so tired of trying. But then once you become His and that Seed of Love blooms in you, one day you'll realize He's led you to the High Places. He's made your tired, dusty feet "like the deer's" so that you can "tread on high places."  (Habakkuk 3:17-19) 
And it's not so hard any more, and it's easier to see the golden sun, and it's more peaceful there beside His road. 

It makes me so very very glad He came. He became Emmanuel. God. WITH. Us.
To breathe with us
To live with us
To love with us
To cry with us
To walk with us
To see with us
To sing with us
To run with us
To fight with us
To talk with us
To rest with us.
Like snow. Not requiring or expecting anything but reverence. Making all our muck and chaos disappear and suddenly grow still under his weight and mercy and presence. Giving us a way to find our way to His High Places, so we could live those glad and golden hours with Him.

Holy is He, Blessed am I.

For some reason, I have come to really love all those quirky, never-heard-of chick flicks on Netflix that are somewhat deep and depressing and not really chick flicks at all (E.g. The Diary of Preston Plummer, Liberal Arts, Like Crazy, Girl Most Likely, One Day, The Giant Mechanical Man, The Pallbearer, etc.) I've watched an abundance of them over the past month; don't ask me why because I couldn't give a reason. They just appeal to me, probably because I don't know what my life is and the characters in the movies don't seem to either.
Today as I was watching Liberal Arts, the female lead, Zibby, said something that resonated with me.

"I sometimes feel like I'm looking down on myself. Like there's this older, wiser me watching over this 19-year-old rough draft, who's full of all this potential, but has to live more to catch up with that other self somehow. And, uh, I know I'll get there. It's just sometimes I think I want to rush the process, you know? "

And though I am quickly approaching 22 years, I still feel like a rough draft. I, too, feel like I have loads of potential that I don't know what to do with and don't know how to catch up to the older, wiser, finished-product Me. 
Maybe I never will. Maybe I'm not supposed to. 
Maybe I will always feel like Taylor Swift did at 22 years old: happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. Miserable and magical. 
I don't know for sure, but I'm hoping with everything I've got that "fake it till you make it" is an acceptable mantra for an adult to sing repeatedly, and that it's ok for me to always be the emotional basketcase that I am.

Yesterday I went to my church's Christmas program. There were several times where I was brought to tears by the sheer beauty of it all- the music and instrumentalists combined with the drama and the dancers just cut right to my soul, right to the spot that recognizes beauty and alerts the rest of your self. I was overwhelmed with it all. 
Then the girl playing Mary sang this song.
And it kind of wrecked me. I was one big blubbery mess of tears and streaking eyeliner and it was like my soul was singing, desperately, back to God as I cried along with the song- "Be Born in Me" by Francesca Battistelli. 

The music video depicts Mary's heart through everything. 
Not that I am in any way to be compared with the mother of Jesus, but this song resonated with me so much.
God has been using Mary to teach me an abundance of things, over the long stretch of road that has been Our Journey since January 2012 (and if you want to hear about that I'd be glad to ramble to ya). But one thing that has been truly cemented this year is that He wraps himself in the unexpected. The song says:

"All this time we've waited for the promise
All this time You've waited for my arms
Did You wrap yourself inside the unexpected
So we might know that Love would go that far?

Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me
I'll hold You in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart Your Bethlehem
Be born in me."


and, really, how perfect is that? How fitting is that to my life?! 
"It's INCREDIBLY FITTING, Becca!" is the correct answer.


I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I feel like I have so much in common with Mary. I feel like I have this unexplainable favor from the Lord resting on me and I have no idea why (Luke 1:30). All I know is that "I am not brave, I'll never be- the only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy. I'm just a girl, nothing more, but I am willing, I am Yours."

That's kind of the theme of my life these past few years. Realizing I am not fully His yet, but I am on my way- I am becoming fully His (John 1:12). Realizing my feet are mangled and misshapen from the sin I have trod in time and time again, and that He offers to make my feet like hinds' feet and take me up on the High Places (Habakkuk 3:19). Realizing that He calls us to lay down so many things in the grave, that better things may be resurrected (Luke 9:23, John 10:17).


This year has been the Year of Death (I'll write more about that come New Years' Eve) and it has, quite literally (spiritually) killed me. It has been the Death of Becca and it has been so incredibly, painfully glorious. And as I cried along to that beautiful song and really paid attention to the lyrics, I realized what may be the final realization of this series/journey: I HAVE DIED THAT HE MAY LIVE IN ME. 
I know, I know; I'm slow to realize this point that probably EVERY other Christian has gotten to by now. Whatever. He teaches us different things at different times. 

BUT GUYS.
This year, He killed me.
So that I would be empty.
So that I wouldn't have to be the innkeeper that said, "No room."
So that I could say, "Well... I don't have much, but I DO have vacancy."
So that He could be born, here. In me.

So that my clinging to Him now and holding Him so very dear could eventually become Him holding me when I have not the strength to cling any more (I look forward to that day).
So that in between now and then, my heart could literally be His hometown.

He is making me His.
He is making me His home.

And knowing that makes me realize: it's ok to be a rough draft. I am His rough draft. I am being hewn and sharpened and purified and shaped and smoothed out, among my moments and years of seeming not to know anything but tears.
It's ok to watch a lot of sad movies because I don't know what my life is yet; He does.

"Everything inside me cries for order
Everything inside me wants to hide
Is this shadow of an angel or a warrior?
If God is pleased with me, why am I so terrified?
Someone tell me I am only dreaming
Somehow help me see with Heaven's eyes
And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees
Holy is He;

blessed am I."

can I say that once more for my own heart's sake?

If you know nothing else, weary heart, know this:

Holy is He.

Blessed am I.

my pile of "I DON'T KNOW"s

How do I begin a blog post about my life after so many days full of change since my last one? I don't know where to start to catch you all up. It's been almost a month since I last posted and God has done so very much in that short time span.

Having my heart stolen by 154 6th through 8th graders was not something I would have predicted.
Having my heart broken by a man full of good intentions and operating on God's whispers was not what I thought was coming.
Having my heart stretched to its limits by a God who somehow thinks this is the best time for me to grow exponentially was really not on my radar.
Having my faith muscle over-exercised every day to the point that it is now simply a wobbly, sore mass of Something Bigger Than Me wasn't something I would have signed up for.
Having all my seemingly perfect little plans evaporate into thin air was something I thought would never happen.

I thought my plans were His plans that I had warmly accepted. I thought my faith muscle was strong enough already and suitable for where I am in life and where I'm headed. I thought my heart had been stretched too much over the past four years and that this was finally the time that it got to adjust to its current large stretchiness. I thought being heart-broken over a boy was something I'd never experience. I thought that that multitude of stinky, snarky adolescents would never come to be a group of people I truly cared about, that they would only ever be Those Kids I Teach.

And hey, look at that. All my thoughts were wrong.
At my school, we do this thing every morning called WAR Time-- it stands for We're All Reading-- where everyone sits in silence and reads a book for 10 minutes. It's the most glorious, refreshing invention ever and I hope the rest of the world soon adopts it. Well during WARTime this week, I read a booklet called Be a Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. In it, he talks about Isaiah 55:8-9 and the fact that God's ways and thoughts are not only different from and higher than ours, they are UNFATHOMABLY different from and higher than ours. He brings up the concept of a lightyear and that it itself is pretty hard to grasp, let alone the concept of 15 BILLION lightyears-- then he goes on to say that that's how different God's ways are from ours. They are 15 billion lightyears higher and better than any human plans we could make for ourselves. And while that's a terrifying thing to think about, it's also comforting. The God who invented lightyears and keeps the universe in order thinks about me, cares about me, and listens to my prayers. He orders my steps in His Word and in His way because HE KNOWS they're that much better and He loves His children too much to let us live without them.

So while it's disconcerting and uncomfortable for me to suddenly realize that all my thoughts and plans and hopes are all being remodeled right now, it's comforting to know they will eventually resemble and reflect Him in a much better way than they ever would have if He had let me continue with my own plans.

In addition to that, I've been kinda freaking out over it lately. Crazy, right? ME, freak out? I never would. (smirk) I keep having this realization that I DON'T KNOW.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going when I graduate.
I don't know if I'm ever going back to London.
I don't know what or where I want to teach.
I don't know what the rest of my semester will look like.
I don't know if I will continue loving teaching and will actually want to teach once I graduate.
I don't know what God has in store for me and Casey.
I don't know if I'm able to be friends with him and bury all my emotions about him.
I don't know if once I bury those emotions they will eventually be resurrected or they're just lay there, dead.
I don't know if I should move on from him or not.
I don't how to love my friends at MC when I never see them and feel so disconnected from their lives.
I don't know how to talk to people about hard things that may ruin friendships.
I don't know how to live at peace with literally EVERYONE.
I don't know how to live with constant peace in my soul.
I don't know what it really means to "set an example for the believers" in those 5 ways that 1 Tim. 4:12 lists (though that is my God-given discipline area for the remainder of the year).
I don't know if I should pretend I'm ok all the time or be openly broken.
I don't know how to pretend to be a young professional when I still like to wear bows in my hair and watch Sofia the First.
I don't know where the line is between pleasing my professors/higher-ups and being falsely happy/respectful/agreeable.
I don't know how to be loving towards my friends who are living in sin, while not supporting their sinful lifestyles, but also not being judgmental or holier-than-thou.
I don't know what I should know.

and a lot more.
as I've said, I'm just a big pile of "I don't know" lately.

HOWEVER.
I keep hearing God remind me that He DOES know.
A friend recently send me an excerpt from a devotional she was reading. It said:

in the middle of reading this, I burst into tears. There I was, sitting on my bedroom floor having just applied mascara for the day. And there it went, streaming down my cheeks. "I KNOW", he said. He just kept repeating it and singing it over me. 

In the midst of my many "I don't know"s, He is THE "I KNOW". 

Last week alone, there were two more instances where friends who had no idea about my heart's whispers lately, who were oblivious to my "I DON'T KNOW", simply said to me, "HE KNOWS."

It made me cry and laugh. Here I am freaking out over these things that really are tiny in the light of Eternity, but He cares enough to look into my "brimming ache", and sing over me the "I know" that is absent from my life right now. 

Then, this morning at church, the biggest "I know" was spoken. The message was on 1 Samuel 16:7- that ever-famous passage about not looking at the outward appearance because God looks at the heart. In high school you hear it billions of times related to popularity and not judging weird kids just because they look different from you. I have heard so many shallow messages on this passage that I gagged a little when I saw that it was our main scripture focus today. 

THEN.

God did his funny God-things and blew my mind and giggled a little with me when it was all over.

Bro. David started the sermon by teaching us about the original wording used in this passage. Where it says, "Man looks ON the outward appearance, but God looks ON the heart," the ON actually has three translations that each tell us something different about seeing with spiritual vision, as God does.

It can mean WITH or ACCORDING TO, it can mean REGARDING, or it can mean INTO.

So here were his three conclusions:

1. The Lord sees WITH His heart || PURPOSING

He is not bound by time or really anything that humans are bound by, so God is able to KNOW everything. Just as we KNOW what happened yesterday because we have past knowledge, God KNOWS what happens tomorrow because he has eternal knowledge. He is unbound by time and tense. It is in that sense that He PURPOSES for us to hope in His power and "glorious inheritance" (Eph. 1:17-19). He also literally laughs at our stupid human efforts to be smarter or more powerful than Him (Psalm 2:1-6). HA. Thanks for realizing how stupid we can be, God.

2. The Lord sees REGARDING our heart || PURSUING

Just as He KNOWS the past, present, and future, He KNOWS our hearts. He searches them and tries them and replaces them when the need arises. He is slow to anger, abounding in love, always merciful and gracious-- the perfect combination of attributes for One who pursues His Beloved. He gives out hearts of flesh when He sees that our hearts have become stony (Ez. 36:26). And when our seasons of disciplining are toughest, He is still in control, still fully knowing what His plans for us are-- that they are good, hopeful, and offer us a prosperous future {by His definition. not ours.}, especially when we are seeking Him (Jeremiah 29:11-13). HIS PLANS ARE TO GIVE US HOPE FOR OUR HEARTS, because He knows we can't run to Him in our natural, wicked, human heart-condition unless He pursues us first.

3. The Lord sees INTO our heart || PEERING

He uses His Word (Hebrews 4:12) and our words (Matthew 15:10-11, 19-20) to see into our hearts, to examine them, and find the places that don't yet look like Him. He knows our hearts are desperately wicked, and like Jeremiah asked: Who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9)... well, He can. He knows they ARE desperately wicked, and He knows the desperate wickedness inside. 

As I have been doing, we humans like to make our own plans and justify our ways-- they seem good enough for us!-- and just go along with it until something stops us. And that's not how God functions. He calls us to COMMIT our ways to Him, to give them over fully and obediently, immediately and with a cheerful heart. Proverbs 16 is killer convicting. We can plan our lives, but THE LORD ESTABLISHES OUR STEPS. He grounds us and holds onto us when we don't even know we need to be held onto.

The passage in Malachi 3 regarding tithes keeps coming to my mind. I've realized that maybe this loss of my own plans is a sort of tithe. "Tithe" doesn't just mean giving God a check, it actually refers to the process of God TESTING His children by asking them to GIVE. So here I am, being tested and having given up a lot of my own plans and 'knowing'... sounds a lot like a tithe to me. 

And do you know what God's opinion on tithing is?

"Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, see if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need."

He can, will, and DOES bless His children when we obey Him.

So as I walk around feeling like I pile of "I don't know"s, I'm clinging to His promise that HE KNOWS and that when I bring in my small tithe, my widow's mite, all the little things I have to bring that are nowhere near enough for Him, THEN He will pour down on me until there is no more need. I don't know what the "blessing" is there, but honestly I hope it's just Him. Because though knowledge and money and happy little things would surely feel good, what my heart yearns for is to be filled to overflowing with Him, until I need no more and lack no part of His heart. 

/He came among us at Christmastide/

One thing I love but hate about the Christmas season is how emotional it makes me. Mix finals with a month-long family reunion, memories of the past, missing school friends, and all the Jesus stuff and it just gets really messy.
I feel like all the relational/familial emotion stuff explains itself so let's skip straight past that to the Jesus stuff that really gets me.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just that I always drift away from Him while I'm at school. Maybe it's just that I let myself forget, outside of the Christmas season, that Jesus was actually a HUMAN PERSON.
Whatever it is, once this time of year comes and everything seems to hit me all at once, I'm continually a ball of tears.
Today, it finally began hitting.
I went to the Crossgates Christmas program and cried for about half of it. Granted, most of the tears were over how much I wish my family were there with me, or that I were at home watching my church's Christmas program. BUT, there were loads of tears and mascara streaks over the Jesus part.

He, the baby Messiah, was born into a sin-obsessed world. The ultimate Savior- fully God and fully man- came to a weary world clothed as "a little baby thing that made a woman cry" (eloquence courtesy of J. Vernon McGee). The Bible straight-up tells us that He was "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" and that we, the billions of people He came to seek and save, "esteemed Him not" (Isaiah 53).

JESUS DID NOT HAVE TO DIE.
He's fully God- He could easily have saved everyone from their sins by some awesome loophole and not have had to be crucified and resurrected and so on.
BUT HE DID ANYWAY.
Why? I'm sure there's some great theological answer to this.
My answer: because He's just that loving.
He knew these now-sin-obsessed people He had created to be obsessed with His glory would need something to grasp on to. Something that made Him like them. Something that was more convincing than "just because".
He died because he knew I, Becca Stovall, would be too emotional to handle life on my own. He knew I would need someone who had come before and been familiar with every pain, joy, and temptation that I've encountered, to rely on. He knew my heart before it existed.
That is why He came.

One of my favorite Christmas songs this year is I Wonder As I Wander. The lyrics say,
"I wonder, as I wander out under the sky, how Jesus the Savior did come for to die for poor ordinary* people like you and like I. I wonder, as I wander out under the sky.
If Jesus had wanted for any wee thing- a star in the sky, or a bird on the wing, or all of God's angels in Heaven for to sing- He surely could have them for He is the King."
*(sometimes I like to pretend she says "ornery" instead of "ordinary" here, because it's funny and because most days I'm more ornery than ordinary.)

This song basically lays out my heart's questions. If Jesus ever wanted anything, he could have it. So why did he come to die for poor, ornery/ordinary people like ME? Why did he want to do that?

I still haven't solidified the answer in my heart. I'm still kind of wrung up over the fact that He DIED for little selfish me.
Then He rose again to seek me out and save me.
What a good Shepherd He truly is!

As much as I hate the fact that I am so sinful/selfish/prideful/dirty and He came for me anyway, I can't help but beg Him to keep coming and reminding and redeeming and renewing and doing this nuts emotional thing each Christmas.
Because maybe it isn't just me. Maybe He's moving in other hearts for our good and His glory!

"O come, O come, Emmanuel, and random captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here, until the Son of God appear. Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel!

O come, Desire of Nations, bind in one the heart of all mankind. Bid thou our sad division cease, and be Thyself our King of Peace. Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel!

O come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer our spirits by Thine advent here. Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death's dark shadows put to flight. Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel!"

Maybe the more we beg Him to come, the closer He draws to each one of us.
I'm reminded of yet another Christmas song that states so simply how we should respond to His coming, His Emmanuel-ness, His being WITH US:
"He came among us at Christmastide- at Christmastide in Bethlehem. Men shall bring him, from far and wide, Love's diadem. JESUS, JESUS! Lo, He comes and loves and saves and frees us!…

Thou my lazy heart hast stirred, Thou, the Father's eternal Word. Greater than aught that ear has heard, Thou tiny bird of Love, Thou Son of Mary...

Little man and God indeed, Little and poor: Thou art all we need. We will follow where Thou dost lead, and we will heed our brother, born of Mary."

It sums everything up.
He came.
We worshipped.
He loves, saves, frees.
We responded.
We follow Him.
We love our brothers.

It's crazy to me how much sense it all makes. Despite its craziness, despite Jesus being UTTERLY NONSENSICAL…
It fits.
Mostly because my heart has a that-sized hole that it's constantly seeking to fill.

I pray (literally), this Christmastide that you, reader, remember and realize that He was a human.
He was a little boy who had to be taught to eat and walk and talk and read.
He was a young man who had to learn to obey and follow and trust.
He was a King who came to teach us to live his radical, nonsensical way.
He is still alive- remembering His human experiences and sorrows and being the best High Priest possible for us.
I pray that you catch a glimpse of His great goodness.
I pray that you cry a few tears over who He is and what He's done- or maybe more than a few.
I pray that you experience the realness of The Almighty God, creator of forever and stars and sunflowers and nucleotides, molding your life and blowing your mind and coming like the winter snow to wreck you in the best possible sense.

wrecked!

God has started this thing where he completely wrecks me whenever I let Him. Which is really great, because I need to be wrecked. However, the sad thing is, I don't let it happen as often as it needs to happen. I blame it on busyness and tiredness and who knows whatever else when I get up in the morning and say, "Nah, I'd rather spend these 20 minutes eating breakfast than building a relationship with my Savior and dying to myself."
Because really, living for myself is easier and more fun most of the time.
At least at first.
But it's a guaranteed fact: every Sunday, every Bible study day, every time I start to dig into the Word, he ruins me a little bit more for this world and what it tries to sell me. These occurrences usually end in tears, and sometimes screaming/sometimes complete silence and lack of words, and always being totally humbled by Him and His presence and His grace.
Today looked a little bit like this:
I go to church. He stabs these lyrics of songs into my heart like daggers. I cry, the brokenness-being-healed-and-redeemed cry. The pastor starts preaching. Once again, my heart is overwhelmed by my selfishness, pride, and lack of Him. I cry some more. The pastor relays God's grace and goodness.

The everlasting truth is that God IS who He says He IS and He DOES what He says He can DO.
His names don't just tell us what he does, they tell us HIS NATURE and HIS CHARACTER. They tell us that He IS the very definition of that quality- healing, righteousness, providing, etc.- because He will NEVER not do or be that. He has always been, is continually, and will forever be EVERYTHING that is good in this life. EVERYTHING. 
That continues to blow my mind and wreck my life every time I think about it.

So there's all that. Add on to that my personal issues and mistakes and pains, and the fact that when I pour them out to Him, it's as if there's immediate healing poured into my heart. When I repent and ask for Him to forgive and heal me, I'm reminded that He always will be and do that for me, no matter how imperfect I am on a regular basis... just because He is good.
Once we get all that personal stuff added to the bundle, I am MESSED UP by the time I've finished my ranting.

In our Sunday night Bible study, we've been working on John 1 for a while now. We talked a couple weeks ago about verses 3 and 4 specifically, and how we were made through and by THE GOD, and Him alone. Claire shared this gripping story about her godmother's baby. The baby was born with some issues and went straight into neonatal ICU. The mother talked about how much she longed to be on the other side of that pane of glass, holding her newborn baby, but she knew she couldn't and that it would literally kill her child. Then the mother realized that's how God is with us. We are here, on this earth, separated from Him by sin. There is no way he can touch us or hold us like He wants to because He is so righteous and perfect, we would literally die (Exodus 33:5, 18-23). But then He sends Jesus, our Savior, our Messiah, to remediate our sins and reconcile us to Him that He may indirectly touch us and hold us. We don't physically die because we don't physically see Him, but we spiritually die to ourselves and this world because He spiritually consumes us to the point that WE, shattered creatures of darkness, can no longer live, and can only have Him living through us.
It boggles my mind.
1 Timothy 6:16 says He "dwells in unapproachable light"... but this is why we have the Holy Spirit in us, from the day of our salvation, so that we may be seen under Christ's blood as His spotless righteousness and may therefore "approach the throne of Grace with confidence." (Hebrews 4:16)

I'll stop there because my mind is whirling and I can't gather my own thoughts for the sake of His extraordinary self.
Keep your eyes on Him, my friends. Let Him consume you.

and the ultimate goal is...

I love how God works. he works in weird, mysterious, and unimaginable ways. which he's been doing a lot of in my life lately. can I just take you back a couple days and tell you what an awesome thing He did?
so I'm in adult choir at church, and we had practice wednesday night. my two good friends that joined choir with me were both out of town, so I'm in practice alone. not fully alone of course, cause there's a whole choir, but with no friends. A couple of the songs I struggled hearing my part and was too shy to ask to hear it again, because all the songs we're doing are ones that people who've been in adult choir all ready know, so it's like beating a dead horse for them.
anyway, I'm feeling less and less secure in my sight-singing, and found myself just getting really depressed. after all, I'm a quarter of the way done with my Music Ed. major, and I can't even hear the stinking second soprano part! (not to mention the fact that I don't even know if I should be singing first or second soprano or alto, or what.) and I was just so wrapped up in thinking, "If I'm sitting here in a choir and I can't hear my part with the piano playing under me, how on earth am I going to be a good music TEACHER?! I can't do this!" It continued to grow in depressing-ness, to the point that I eventually stopped singing and was just mouthing the words. I fought back the tears that tried to well up in my eyes. It was a horrible feeling, a terrible thought, and a worse moment. Then we finally finished that song and in my head all I could think was "I just can't do it. I can't be a music teacher. I'm not good enough." 
then, our director looked right at me and smile slyly. 
she held up a 2x2 slip of white paper.
"I don't know who this is for, or why it's here, but I just found this paper in my book. God put this in here for me to share with someone tonight: 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
there was more she said, and I wasn't the only one she looked at, but it sure felt like the whole room was staring me down. 
She moved on to other songs, and I tried not to cry my way through them, but it ended up I did.
God completely broke me, and it was all I could do to stay in the room and not run to my car and bawl my eyes out. 
He put that in there for me.
I'd never had complete confirmation of my chosen major until that point, and it was settled. God has some reason for me to be a music teacher, and I can do it. Though I doubt myself, I cannot doubt His power working in me. "With His power working in us, we are able to do immeasurably more than anything we could ever hope or imagine," is the Becca version of Ephesians 3:20-21. and how true that is. 
God, forgive me when I doubt your power. Forgive me for being so self-focused and self-pitying. I don't want to doubt your ultimate plan for my life, please help me to learn to trust you with everything in every circumstance. Develop me. Mold me. Sharpen me. Just use me, please. Use me.

If You're not in it...

today, God did his usual surprising thing. He likes to do that in my life. and today, he did it in a really unusual way.

so I'm headed to visit this place that was a big part of my past- my old church. honestly, for a long time I've regarded it as spiritually dead and boring. and while I haven't totally changed my mind... I will say that God will find ways to speak anywhere and anyhow He can. and He did just that.

the message was out of 1 Kings 19, where Elijah is threatened by Jezebel and runs away and hides in a cave. then God speaks... Why are you here? he asks Elijah, who gives him this practiced answer that may or may not have been a little whiny if you ask me. then He tells Elijah to go out and stand at the edge of the cave.

God sends a great wind... but He's not in it. this huge great wind, that could destroy everything around for miles, and God's not in it (reminds me of our recent tornadoes and what the response to "Where was God in this destruction?" should be).

next, He sends an earthquake. rumbling, tearing apart the mountains... and He's not in it.

then comes the fire. it's raging and probably pretty awesome/scary- but He's STILL not in it.

all the craziness is over and Elijah is wondering where He is. I can see it now. He's sitting there, on the edge of the cave, adrenaline pumping from the craziness he just lived through and looking around, wondering where God is and why he told Elijah to go out to the edge of the cave. did He just want to scare Elijah? Maybe he just needed to instill awe, or maybe.......

then Elijah hears something. it's more than just silence, but there are no audible words to this. it's like a gentle whisper that moves Elijah's heart.

and when it's over, he realizes... God wasn't in the loud, scary, attention-catching events. He used them, however, to create a silence in which He could speak. God used the loudness to make the quietness noticeable.

and in that moment when I put myself in Elijah's shoes and thought his thoughts, I realized: God was using the quietness of that moment to speak. and He was saying "be still. just sit here. let me speak."

so, I now depart. to sit. and let Him speak.

Ecuador and more

SO much has happened, I'm not sure I can fit it all in one post, and I don't know if I'll even manage to get all of it on my blog- ever.
so I'll start with what I remember most- Ecuador!!!! We got back 6 days ago... It was the most amazing trip I've ever been on. I learned a lot, and made tons of new friends. One thing that I really loved about the trip was those adorable little kids. I loved being able to spread Christ's love all over the place- with everyone, everywhere I went- by simply hugging some kids, playing "pato, pato, ganza" (duk, duck, goose), and painting their faces. It was so amazing to be able to SEE what I was doing for God's kingdom, to hear those sweet little voices accepting Christ as their Savior. God really showed me that so many times, being a servant isn't just about what you do- it's about your heart and your attitude. That you can be a servant of Christ by simply loving kids and blowing bubbles with them, if you have the right mindset... or heart-set, so to speak.
well that's about all I've got on Ecuador, except that I seriously might live there someday. I love it there. =)

Wednesday, I had to do one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I gave up my best friend in the entire world. I didn't totally give her up, there is no way I could completely destroy our relationship. But some stuff was happening that I couldn't deal with any more. and I gave it up. I told her we basically needed to take a break. It was so hard, and for the rest of the night I think I stopped crying a total of 30 minutes, tops. It was like I'd had to rip my own heart out. and it was SO hard. I can only hope and pray now that this break doesn't last too long and God brings her back to me soon.
God, you know how much I love her. Please don't make me try to move on. I can't. I don't want to, I don't want to forget her or let her go. You know what needs to happen- please just give me the strength to make it through this fire.

spread this love like dandelions

This weekend was absolutely amazing. From making new nicknames to the best mac-n-cheese ever, from the fat camp hill to the chicken's water breaking, and from hilarious candid pictures to pigging out on Cheez-Its, the mission trip was probably the best one I've ever participated in. God was definitely with us and He helped us to do much more physical and spiritual work than I ever expected we'd do. Although singing in the black church was awesome and helping to renovate that house was a great experience, I believe my favorite part was when we were on the prayer walk and got to go in that church and sing with them and hear them sing. Although I never expected it to have that big of an impact on it, while we were in that church singing and praying, I realized how blessed I am and how much God has covered me with his grace. That ever-famous BJ Stricklin once defined grace and explained its differentiation from mercy. Mercy is like this:

A little kid whose mom tells him not to go play in the mud. The kid plays in the mud anyway, then he comes inside and his mom forgives him and gives him a bath and puts clean clothes on him.

But grace is like the little kid comes in all muddy and his mom gives him a bath and clean clothes, and lets him get cookies out of the cookie jar too. It's like even though he disobeyed, he repented, was forgiven, and BLESSED BEYOND JUST FORGIVENESS.

Over this weekend I realized how much I am like that little kid. Over and over again God tells me not to play in the mud, filth, and sin of the world. But I do anyway. And then when I come to Him with and humble and repentant heart, he forgives me, then blesses me with the chance to bless others with His love- just like he did this weekend. The one main thing I took away from this weekend is that ministering to people like the homeless, sick, and drug-addicts is not a thing that should make me feel good inside because I did something good. It makes me feel good inside because I got to spread God's love that he "poured out on me abundantly". (1 Timothy 1:14)

camp

just got back from camp!!! wh00t! it RAWKED. our speaker, Brandon Barnard, was GREAT. this wasn't one of those get-high-and-all-encouraged-about-how-great-God-is (though he IS great!) camps, it was a lets-find-out-how-to-live-our-faith-in-a-practical-way camps... a lot of issues came up, but hey, when God sculpts us, things in our life have to fall off for us to become more like Him.

one thing i learned at camp is how important it is to memorize scripture. i always memorize scripture, just cuz its the right thing to do i guess. but its best to do it cuz you WANT to. you need to, to fight off the flaming arrows from the devil (check out Ephesians 6:11-18).

another kewl way brandon used to relate God's Word to our lives is daily bible reading. of course i always try to read my bible every day (right now i'm reading through Matthew), but sometimes it doesnt always sink in. he told us about a thing called the James Challenge. what you do is read James chapter 1 every day for a week. then you read James 2 every day for a week, working your way through all 5 books of James. it sounds really cool, and our sunday school class is doing it as a group this week.

well i have a TON still to write, but i g2g. WRITE MORE L8R!