Saturday, November 12, 2011

::vent::

for some odd reason, I've been really lonely lately. I feel like there are only 2 or 3 of my close friends that are still "BEST" friends. You know? Cause when you really get down to it, there is such a difference in close friends and best friends. I consider my best friends to be the ones I can be completely genuine and honest with, that I don't have to hide my emotions or hurts and we can openly talk about problems in the friendship. and last year, I had a lot of best friends. This year, people keep leaving me out of plans and "forgetting" to invite me to things, and not being straight-up with me (which leads to me hearing about the truth from someone else). honestly, that hurts. a lot. I know I'm not perfect, far from it, but I always try to make sure everyone is included, unless they simply CAN'T be, or unless one-on-one is needed. Even then, I try to plan something to do with the person who wants to be included and isn't, that way they don't feel as hurt over it. and it seems like no one really cares that I do that. they just don't want to be around me anymore. I know I'm busy and I have a weird schedule, but that doesn't mean I don't want to even be invited to these things. I would like to know people care about me and like being around me, even if they already know my answer is "I have a music thing" or "I have to work". There are three people that have purposed to maintain a good relationship. A few who still randomly hang out with me. A few new friends that I am growing to know better, thankfully. And, sadly, a lot who, it feels like, have just dumped me. They say "I miss you, when can we hang out?" But it's just shallow and nothing ever comes out of it. and I hate that. If you don't want to be with me, don't pretend you do. 
I think this is hardest for me because I am a people-person. I love being in big groups and having lots of plans and going and doing. All through life, even up till last year, I've had at least 6 people at a time that I considered my best friends. Sure, things happened, and the closeness of those relationships changed. But I still had someone there. Now I still have three... but one is committed to her boyfriend, one lives several hours from school and has been going home a lot, and one is really busy herself and our schedules are basically opposite. agh. life is stupid.
ok, I have to stop. goodnight.

the loss

CW/TW: pregnancy and miscarriage  Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I’ve thought about how to word this for so long, debat...