on pilot lights, being a garden, and springtime.

It’s testing month at school, which means every day this past week I have had a few hours each morning to just sit and breathe and think. Which you know, if you get me at all, is quite dangerous for me.

But last week it was beneficial.

“Somewhere along the way, my dears,” (she says, quoting a favorite musical just because her brain turns everything into song) my little flickering flame inside me got turned up, I think. For a long time I relied on the pilot light of my spiritual gas heater to keep me okay. I know it’s not a good consistent state to be in, but I also think it was a necessary phase and for a while it was the best I had, so it was good enough. But somewhere in those months of relying on the pilot light to warm the house, God refilled the tank and turned the heat up. And I had this realization the other night that my soul, at some point, settled into a toasty 4 on the heat dial and is thawing out the numbed extremities.

Please understand me; this is not my “I’ve made it and have everything together, guys, so you can stop trying to help me” speech. I am far far far from making it and having things together (the very thought of which ever being possibility for me literally makes me laugh). I don't think I will ever stop needing people and flailing around in life a little bit (or a lot-tle bit) as I go.

This is simply a public recognition that the clean-up work in my heart, the renovation, the Big Remodel, the turning me into His cathedral is happening. It has been, little by little, unrecognizably so, until a glimmer caught my eye and I took a peek back into the land I’ve been trekking these past three months.

There He said, “We’re moving. Do you see that we’ve moved? You’re thawing out. Your weeds are being pulled. I am tending you every day, my little garden, and Spring is on her way to us. Life is ebbing in.”

Sure enough, as I looked down into my own often-too-small heart-garden, I saw He had expanded it a size or two (enlarge my borders, Lord! including my Grinch heart that needs so badly to grow!). I saw He had planted a few things- I know not what they are or will yield yet- and the little bumps under the soil promised fruit soon enough. I saw a few more holes in the ground where the deep-rooted weeds had been excavated; I saw new weeds trying to settle into the newly fertile soil.

Rain and sun that fall into me are nurturing all they touch, and He reminds me we- He and I- must be careful to tend this garden every day. We must be careful to arise early and pull the new weeds out before they have a chance to be nourished by the smiling sun or crying rain.

The cathedral has a garden! I love that! I love cathedrals with courtyards and gardens and life!

It’s as if my heart is literally undergoing spring cleaning, and I’ve been lathered up and scrubbed down and rinsed off, and set by the nice, toasty, 4-on-the-dial heater. What a tremendous feeling.

Recently, I’ve been reading a few books that are changing my life (as good books tend to do) and that I think have induced this Springtime.

1. LOVE DOES by Bob Goff. It’s unexplainable how this book both wrecks and revitalizes me at the same time. I don’t understand it. It’s obviously God.
2. Parables of the Cross by Isabella Lilias Trotter. Honestly, this book (or pamphlet, I suppose, as it’s only 23 pages) makes me feel like such a Christian hipster because NO ONE has heard of it. Literally no one. I discovered it because Elisabeth Elliot referenced it in her life-wrecker, Passion and Purity, and it was just a few dollars on Amazon, so I ordered it and wow. Just get it and don’t try to read it all in one day. It’s too deep and rich.
3. If You Find This Letter by Hannah Brencher. I feel like this one explains itself. It’s her story, her weighty words, her heart in a book. So far I have cried every time I’ve picked it up and it is astonishingly beautiful.
4. Winged Life by Hannah Hurnard. Her first book, Hinds’ Feet on High Places has always been one of my favorites- it’s an allegory centered around the journey of Much-Afraid as she follows the Good Shepherd’s leading to the High Places. And man, Winged Life doesn’t disappoint either. So far it’s teaching me a lot about what Love really means and goodness knows I can always use more of that.

if you couldn’t tell, there’s really one main theme in these four books that are transforming my heart and mind:

LOVE.

Which is great because it just confirms in me that this is His work. Because He is Love, so of course it makes sense that the books and many other facets of entertainment in my life right now are just pointing me back to Love- even the ones that seem like they would never be able to teach me anything about real Love. Funny how He can turn anything into a window.

While I am learning about Love and being bowled over by my God at least four times a day, I’m in need of prayer and support and encouragement and life-giving truth.

Here’s how I need you to pray for and with me, beloved people:

Pray for consistency. Pray that I would have a new sticktoitiveness (which I rarely have the motivation to find in a lot of cases). And pray that I would stop making this about me and just abide.

We all know I tend to be a person that throws herself into things. For the most part, I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person.

That has its downfalls, certainly. I tend to give up on things: I start projects and never finish them, I start books and stop ⅔ of the way through, and when I start a new friendship/relationship I either give up too soon or go a little overboard showing that person love. It also means I tend to ramble, as I’d rather give too much information than not enough. Additionally, people think I’m constantly exaggerating. Granted, I exaggerate all the time (irony). But in the moments when I’m not exaggerating and I’m genuinely IN LOVE with a lovely plastic box of perfectly yellow paper clips, it’s easy for my words to mean less than I want them to, because so often I use the same exaggerated words when I’m trying to make a point or tell a story, and now all the sudden no one understands just how much a tiny clear box of yellow-coated metal thingys can cheer me up.

However, I am also beginning to see a lot of strengths in my throw-myself-in-with-no-looking-back personality. I’m GREAT at starting projects or books or road trips. I love easily (or maybe ‘quickly’ would be more accurate, because GEEZ don’t I know that real love should never be easy) and wholly and, if need be, fiercely- that also means I tend to forgive quickly. Everything in my world is rose-colored, and I don’t even need glasses for that; it’s just constantly rose-colored and I love it because rosy hues are probably my favorite of all the hues.

(she realizes even in her explanation of how she loves easily that she proves how sickeningly optimistic and enjoying-life-at-all-times she tends to be)

And here comes the part where I know I need the prayers and intercession::

I throw myself into projects and relationships and even God’s Work.

And then when it starts getting kinda hurt-ey, when I’m getting cramps in my Faith muscle or when someone hurts my heart or when I realize I still have to go back and edit and re-write the entire paper, I stall.

I find it really really tough to stick to it. To be consistent. To be a train and chug ahead.

I say, “eh, good enough” and turn the paper in because it’s 4 AM and if you include the bibliography it’s 8 pages, so that should pass, right? or because I’m a pretty good person and God loves me and there are other, better Christians out there who can do it better than I can anyway. or because that was the third time they have spoken hurtful words to me in the past month, and I don’t need people like that in my life bringing me down.

“Brothers and sisters, this should not be.”

I need to do the paper to the best of my ability. I need to do what I feel God tugging me to do, even- no, ESPECIALLY- when it makes me feel inadequate or uncomfortable. I need to love and treasure that person anyway, because the only thing that can drive out darkness is light, and the thing that draws me closest to the heart of God is my own pain.

In the end, though, I know it’s not about me. That’s a thing I’m having to remind myself second by glorious second. Abiding in Christ and making much of Him is my ultimate goal. This is a portion of my journey in which I’m extremely introspective, but my end goal is not my own profit or gain or goodness but simply CHRIST.

So yeah, it’s Spring in my heart again, and for that I am unendingly grateful. But there are weeds to be pulled and work to be done in this garden. Feel free to step in and water the soil and help me pull up weeds when you’re around. I’ll need a reminder to stick to it, to abide with His nourishment so these plants can grow.

the 1 Timothy 4:12 challenge

Back in August, when I had first moved into the apartment and was just doing my own thing trying to spend my days as best I could and still didn't have class, God started this thing. It was, in typical God-Thing fashion, completely out of the blue and something I could never have thought up on my own. I had been listening to an old audio CD of the 2010 TeenPact National Convention sessions for a week or so, slowly listening to bits of each session when I was driving hither and yonder. And of course, over the course of the past four years, I had completely forgotten the things God had whispered to my heart during NC, so He was busy re-wrecking me with those truths.

One day I was driving down I-220, after having treated myself to some Target shopping for teacher things, and listening to Zach Hunter's session about his organization Loose Change to Loosen Chains. It had nothing directly to do with what God had been teaching me; there was nothing in it that I would have pulled out and said "THIS RELATES TO MY LIFE SO PERFECTLY RIGHT NOW."

BUT GOD.

Honestly, I can't even recall what Zach was talking about when he brought up 1 Timothy 4:12. It just hit me suddenly and I zoned out from what He was saying and was caught up in these God-thing thoughts. That verse was what I once claimed to be my "life verse". It was the one I had memorized and felt called by as a 9-year-old at my first summer camp (at MC, no less).

"Do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity."

then WHAM.

God was all, "Hello, Becca. It is August. that means there are five months left in 2014. And would you look at that! There are five areas in which you should set an example that are listed here. Not a coincidence. Also not a coincidence that you have been struggling with unsure speech lately and that happens to be the first thing I'm going to work on you with."

So then and there, on the wavy I-220 whose foundation of Yazoo Clay seems to be having loyalty issues, He challenged me. and we made a pact.

SPEECH= August was rough. I was not very faithful to hold up my end of the "setting an example" deal. I gossiped and I cursed and I used slang words too often and I spoke a lot of words of death, instead of life, especially into myself. It was really hard and I felt like I had failed big-time by the end of the month. But, I had mentioned to two or three friends the work that God had started and all of them said, "Oh gosh, Becca. He's been telling me to work on that, too. Can I join you?" and it was so wonderful to have them there to confess my failings to and to find encouragement and words of life from them.

LIFE= this one befuddled me, and I spent a good 12 days of September trying to figure out how to "set an example... in life." It seemed so vague and broad that I hardly knew what to do with it. Then one evening I had dinner with one of my fabulous KT breaux, Myles, and he spoke & prayed words of truth and life and Jesus that made everything become clear. He reminded me that we have already conquered death and sin and darkness by the blood of Jesus, and to live in any mindset but one of LIFE and VICTORY and LIGHT is to make small the sacrifice of Christ. So I spent the month being reminded of His victory in my life and in the world, and learning what it meant to SPEAK LIFE.

(I love that He didn't just teach me these things individually and separately, but used them to build on top of each other little by little.)

LOVE= October seems like anything but the month for love, so being the rebel that I am, I decided to make it the most loving month I could. I started with trying to love myself better, love others deeper, love Christ more fully, and love life more freely. and wouldn't you know God brought so much love to my heart that I could barely handle it. I spent my last two weeks at GMS loving those students as hard as I could and hoping they would feel it, see it, or remember it (and realize it later). My literal dead mums were brought back to life, and students that I didn't know even cared about me displayed obvious respect and affection and "I'm going to miss you so much!"s during my last week with them. I found a litter of kittens, and spent weekends with beloved friends having LIFE and LOVE SPOKEN into me (yes, He just keeps building), and I realized how much I loved and admired my cooperating teacher. I crashed a KT meeting and an old active friend made my night by freaking out when she saw me and exclaiming how glad she was that I was there. I realized I'm actually a pretty good teacher and that I love it, I decided to stop wallowing in self-pity and choose to love and appreciate suffering because it produces perseverance and character in me, and I started my teaching at the new placement and didn't like it at first but started learning to love it. I learned Love really does require self-sacrifice and that the sacrifice of self leads to brokenness and then miracles and multiplication on His end of things (see previous blog post for more on that). There was just a lot of odd kinds of love I experienced in this odd month that seems like it shouldn't be one full of love (mostly because it isn't February), but was anyway. Because Jesus seems to be a fan of oxymorons and the like.

FAITH= this one I find hilarious. November is only 8 days deep, so far, and already He has given me so many opportunities to let my faith take deeper root in my heart and soul. I'm remembering what it means when He says that "without faith, it is impossible to please God." I'm recalling what faith really looks like when it's played out in my life, and that it really is as simple (but ?) as being assured of things I hope for and being certain of what I cannot see. There is a peace that comes with knowing that God will do what He said He would do, even when those promises seem to have drifted far away with no hope of returning; there is a joy that comes with waiting on Him to find you and bring His promises full circle, because there is comfort and assurance and expectancy in the blind waiting. Stepping out of the boat I'm in, out of the city founded half on pride and half on fear, that I have built myself, and onto a future and promises as uncertain as a choppy lake, is not fun or easy but there is exhilaration in stepping out and finding the surface tension can hold me up and I can run on this illogical track. He has led me and kept me here for a reason, and I can hold tight to the lifeline in front of me that I can't really even see, and I can trust His unfulfilled promises will be filled to overflowing. and I really look forward to all the other things He will show me regarding faith over the rest of this month.

PURITY= I don't understand this one yet. Pray that God will prepare my heart for it and wreak havoc in me all over again, as He has each month throughout this challenge of His.

the end.

struggling

Every couple of weeks, I catch up on my best friends' blogs. There are three or four that I try to stay plugged into (although I often fail at that), and lately I've been so convicted when I read each of their blogs. It's so awesome to me how God works in my friends, leads them to blog about it, and in turn works in me. I so often pray that I can be that type of vessel for His work... Honestly, it's kind of my goal in life. I think it's the highest calling of a Christian, to simply be able to be used by God. Because really, He doesn't need us at all. He can do absolutely anything He wants, anytime, with anyone. And He chooses to work through little nobodies like us, just to prove how awesome He is (that He can work through such stubborn and selfish creatures as me). Anyway, when I read my friends' blogs, I'm also convicted of my lack of empathy, my selfishness, and my vanity. They are all continually selfless, compassionate, and boast in Christ alone- I am so very blessed by them and inspired by their Christ-filled hearts!
As you probably know, I've changed a lot in the past 8 months. This period of time has been the most growth-inflicting bit I think I've ever encountered so far in my life. Honestly, it scares me a little bit. While I LOVE London and can't wait to go back, I'm scared that maybe I got it wrong somewhere, and I start thinking of all the "what-if?"s. What if God wasn't saying that London will be my home? What if I never get to go back? What if all this change in my life changes my friendships too drastically to repair? What if I DO move to London, and I have to leave all my family and friends and start an entirely new life? What if I move to London and realize it isn't really the place for me and have to come back, dragging my tail between my legs (so to speak)? I know I *should* have faith in God, and I *should* trust His every move and I *should* never question him... But goodness, we all know I'm super flawed and sinful anyway. I know I need to take every thought captive to obedience in Christ and not let my worries consume me, but this is something I really struggle with over and over. Most people have addictions to porn or alcohol or sex... my addiction is worry and fear. I can't make myself stop. I know how, but just can't seem to make it happen and the prayers don't seem to be doing much right now.
If it offends you that I'm being so doubtful in God, just stop reading. I'm not going to apologize for the genuine outpouring of my heart.
Obviously, friends, I have a lot of growing to do. I have such little faith and such big worries. I fail Him daily... which makes it even more remarkable that He still chooses to listen to me and work in and through me. His love and forgiveness is extravagant.

God, calm my anxious heart. You are sovereign over me and my circumstances. Even when I am unsure of your plan and doubt your promises, you are faithful... and I am SO grateful for that. Please don't give up on me. 

give me words!

Isaiah 1:16-17 says, "Wash yourselves and be clean! Get your sins out of my sight. Give up your evil ways. Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows."
There are 27 million slaves in the world today, more than there have been at any other point in human history. But they aren't just "27 million". Not just a number. They have names. They have faces. They're a little girl who's kidnapped and is now the subject of pornographic pictures. They're a man who was born into slavery and is forced to work in dangerous conditions with no hope for his family's future and childrens' education. They're a young woman who was tricked into moving to a different country for a job, only to become a prostitute whose only hope of escape is suicide. 
THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE.
"WE'VE GOT TO RISE UP, OPEN OUR EYES UP.
BE HER VOICE, BE HER FREEDOM.
COME ON, STAND UP."
This week was Passion 2012, also known as the week Jesus changed my life. Obviously, he'd already changed my life the day He redeemed me and I became His at 9 years old. But this week, I realized I truly desire God. He is beautiful to me, and I seek to glorify Him with my life so that others may see His beauty as well. I am satisfied by all that He is in my life through Jesus Christ, because of how he's freed me from the bondage of sin and bound me to a life of sacrificial love with Him (thank you, John Piper, for that wording). I feel like my heart has been pricked with an injecting-needle of faith. It's like a small blossom has entered and is spreading, slowly and boldly. 
He opened my eyes to the brutal reality of human trafficking and modern-day slavery. Did you know it takes 3.2 slaves to make a smartphone? Yeah. There's a really awesome anti-slavery organization, www.slaveryfootprint.org, which has a survey you can take to calculate how many slaves you employ with the products you buy and the things you own. I calculated mine, and I employ 47 slaves. The sad truth is, I don't live that extravagantly. I have a car and a smartphone and eat food in the caf at school. I wear mostly t-shirts and buy the Wal-Mart brand a lot. And still, with the purchases I make everyday I am continuing global modern-day slavery. Take a couple minutes and learn about modern-day slavery on SlaveryFootprint's website, and take the survey. Then, use your voice. They have a great resource on the website where you can send letters to various companies whose products you use, asking them to reevaluate where they get their resources and if they're made through forced labor. I've sent 26 today alone, because I am concerned about our culture's rampant apathy about this issue and I want to see it changed. Also, you can donate money on their website to help end human trafficking, and you can download their app that helps you keep track of the products you're buying and whether they were made by forced laborers. Other wonderful organizations you could check out are the A21 Campaign, International Justice Mission (IJM), Tiny Hands, Hagar International, Wellspring Living, NightLight, and Restore International are just a few of those seeking to "seek justice, help the oppressed, fight for the rights of widows, and defend the cause of the orphans."
My one prayer, now, is that my God would give me the words to speak. That we all would "Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (Colossians 3:16-17). My prayer is that the Jesus that has been poured into my life the past three days would spill over on everyone that I come in contact with, especially in the spiritual darkness of London. My prayer is that I would not be ashamed of the Gospel, for I know that it is the power of God for salvation for everyone who believes it (Romans 1:16). My prayer is that my conversations would overflow with the words of God and with His grace; and most of all, my prayer is for those of my brothers and sisters around the world that are enslaved, that they would be found and rescued. That they would come to faith in Christ, and that their captors would be imprisoned, and that this bright blaze of a fire that started at Passion 2012 would catch fire around the world, and that the church would rise up and do her job- seek justice. help the oppressed. 
Here's a video of what CNN reported as a teensy bit of what happened the past three days in Atlanta, Georgia.  $3 million for 27 million

a prayer.

*sigh*
It's me again, God. Stuck where I've been for the past month. God, please tell me I'm not gonna have to make it without her. I don't think I can. This hurts so much.
oh, God.
I can't do this.
I can't.
and I don't want to.
she's part of me. We're like sisters, you know that. And now she's just gonna be ripped away from me? I don't get it.
2 days before it all began, you had April sing that song for a reason. You had her say those exact words because you knew that in 72 hours, they would be all I had to believe that you'd carry me through this. God, I know that it's only through the fire that I'm refined, made as pure as gold. But i don't want to have to go through this fire! but, then, I'm already in it, aren't I?
God, please. Just ease the pain. Just a little. Please.

a prayer

God, I'm really confused right now. I know what happened Thursday happened for a reason. but I don't know the reason! and that human-ness about me is just itching to know- you know that. Please help me to trust you- I'm really having trouble with that lately. and not just you- I'm having trouble trusting everyone. I kind of have a feeling that maybe I'm starting to build up walls, just to see who cares enough to get through to them. and I don't want to do that!!! I want to be spilling over with your love and full of grace. I want to be someone that is loving and merciful and compassionate- that everyone knows they can come to me and I won't judge them, I'll just be there for them to talk to and that they can cry on my shoulder-- cuz that's what my heart really is!! and you know that. But I want them to know that. But I'm so scared that I'll make myself vulnerable only to be hurt more. And I don't want to be hurt any more than I have to be. please help me to figure this out. I LOVE you, Lord. Do your will in my life- I choose to trust you completely.

thanksgiving?

last night was hard on me. mom and dad were out of town (they came back today). i went to books-a-million with my big bro last night and met my best friend there... she was really quiet, which is REALLY unlike her... but she gave me a "note" about all this stuff that's happening to her... i nearly cried. i knew there was stuff she wasn't telling me (not surprising), but i had no clue it was that bad. if yall (which is like NO ONE, but still...) could be praying for her that'd be awesome. she needs all the intercession she can get.

well happy thanksgiving!!!! hope you all have a wonderful day, and don't forget to thank God for all His wonderful blessings!!!!

(PS- lizzie, i luvs ya girl. know that I'm praying for you, and I'm not mad, just terribly freaked.)