face, meet ground. self, meet cross.

God is a funny man. er, spirit? Whatever He is, He's a funny one.
See what had happened was... Becca, for the longest time, has seen herself as "that awkward homeschool girl" or "the one that never quite fit in" or "little scaredy cat Becca"... and some more, much more negative things that I'm not quite ready to post on my blog. Honestly, it's such a normal thing for me to think these things about myself, I don't even realize, when I tell myself this, exactly what I'm saying.
Well, God decided somewhere lately that He was going to bring this back to my attention and laugh at how much I forget how in control and awesome He is... and how having Him in me makes me beautiful and worthy of love.
It's hit me several times lately just how fantastic my friends are, and how blessed I am to have the family and background I have. Honestly, it makes me feel a little guilty, because so few people have the pleasure of experiencing such an easy life. I've never experienced drastically life-changing things, except for the usual death of grandparents or moving away from a best friend or my cat dying. I was raised in a Christian home, by Christian parents, who've been married over 30 years. I'm not saying my life has been perfect, by any means. My older brother was a rebel who did some pretty awful stuff to myself and my family back in the day- but God is so much a God of forgiveness and redemption that even that story is changing rapidly. Basically, I'm just trying to get the point across that I'm INCREDIBLY blessed.
And then last night, through a roundabout chain of events that will be discussed in a later blog, I ended up just being really overcome with emotions and doubts and unsure of what I was doing and where I stood with Him. So like any normal, emotional wreck would do, I propelled myself to my room where I literally laid facedown on the ground and cried out to my God (including crying, whispering, whisper-screaming, etc.) on the hairy rug in my dorm room.
It was an oddly beautiful moment. I'm sure if I'd taped it, it would be on the AFV level of hilarity, because I looked like a ragged, tear-drenched nutcase, stretched out on the dirty floor appearing to talk to myself.
But that's a really cool thing about God is that no matter how silly you look, He doesn't really care. He just keeps pushing you to seek Him and wooing you into His embrace. (Heck, Ezekiel PREACHED TO A VALLEY FULL OF BONES and God used that!)
So there I am, completely overwhelmed and telling myself how I can't do this and why would I and giving myself reasons not to let all this new exciting stuff happen to me.
And the whisper came.
"You are more."
'You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the problems you create. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You've been remade.'
aaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhh.
I mean, how do you respond to it when THE God, the Everlasting One who literally holds the world in His hand and breathed you into existence, stops your pity party and says, "HEY. YOU'RE MINE. THAT'S WHY."
Cue world spinning in slow-mo and jamming to a halt.
It's heart-melting and earth-shattering and completely self-wrecking.
What do you say to that?
"Yeah, um, I try to love you too, God, but I'm human so I stink at love unless it's love of self and sin, so um yeah...Cool thanks."
Cause as much as I want to be able to say I truly LOVE God with every fiber of my being, it isn't true. If I remember, I kill my self every morning and let Him reign in me, and then I actually LOVE... but sometimes I forget, and sometimes I pretend to forget. Let's be honest here, truly loving is hard. It hurts and it's sometimes awkward and it's uncomfortable. And I'm still in the process of learning to/being used to LOVING everyone all the time.

I apologize for the choppy/disconnected/nonsensical/overdramatic aspect of this post. Another thing God is teaching me is how to ponder and meditate on what He's telling me, to the point that I can articulate that clearly to others, so thanks for being my guinea pigs.
Basically, He is awesome and I am His and I am undone.
auf wiedersehn!