He makes me...

There's something really special about my car rides. The short ones usually just consist of major jam time (usually including rolled-down windows and the music turned up LOUDLY) and/or a car worship session (worshiping Jesus, not the car... just to clarify). The long ones, like my trips to and from home, are about half-jam/worship, half praying and listening to my Jesus. Sometimes with a little audiobook mixed in.
Well this most recent long car trip I took was my drive back home from school, for Christmas break. and it was going all fantastic and I was semi-avoiding the praying & listening to Jesus bit, because I was being all selfish and enjoying the sunny day and the freedom that my heart was experiencing with every mile closer to home I inched.
And... Do you ever have those moments where God is speaking so loudly into your heart, you just KNOW the next step would be for Him to audibly speak, and that scares you, so you just listen to Him and obey? I feel like that happens to me a lot. A lot of times, I obey Him because I'm scared of what He could do if I didn't pick up on his whispers the first time (awful, but true). But that is not my point.
The point is, I had that moment. So I turned off the music and turned off my whirling thoughts and just waited. Then He told me to pour out my heart, and I did. I ranted about boys and school and friends and work and family and worries and hopes and everything else that was reigning in my thought life lately.
Then, I just shut up.
And He said:

"The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not be in want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul."

Of course, at this point, I had already cried a good bit, and then I just started crying even more because... okay, is it just me, or does it really throw you for a loop when you're being all bratty/selfish/vain/stupid and complaining to God and he just heaps love on you anyway? His grace absolutely destroys me sometimes.
Here I am, pouring my heart out, yes, but most of it was very whiney and complain-ey, when He just says... Hey. I am your shepherd.
I am good at that and I am good to you.
Stop worrying about where you're going and when you're going and how you're getting there.
I'm guiding you.
You don't need to want for anything you don't have because if it's something you need, I'll give it to you when you need it. And if it's something you don't need at all, I'm protecting you from it for good reason. And, sometimes, if it's something you want but don't necessarily need, but it's just frivolous... I give it to you anyway, just to show my love to you in a more tangible way.
Beyond that, Sometimes you just gotta lay down in a meadow.
 Just lay down with me and be beside me.
It's time for you to let me make you do things because I know they're best for you. This is best for you. Lay down beside me and breathe. Look at the sky, listen to the wind, feel the cool ground on your back. Eat and drink My eternal sustenance. Appreciate being with me.
Then, let's walk together by the quiet waters. I want the peacefulness of this place (be it physical or spiritual) to allow you, too, to be still and quiet and just know that I'm God. I'm good. I'm FOR YOU. I WANT TO RESTORE YOU.  And, sadly, I just can't do that when you spend every day holding on to your hurt, pain, regret, and sin. In order to be restored, you must first surrender.
You must first let me be your shepherd, so I can provide for you and lead you to rest, peace, and plenty. 


And it all just blew me away.
How have I never gotten all of that out of Psalm 23 before?
All the "make me"s, reminded me of one of my favorite songs, by Commonground Band, called Make Me. The chorus says, "Make me to know I love You, make me to know I need You, make me to dream of only You, only You, only YOU."
And as much as I try to take control of my life and avoid God's conviction and whatnot... when it comes down to it, that's a lot of what I want in life. Mainly, I want to live my life as an offering to God that glorifies Him alone... Secondly, I just want to learn how to love Him. I know for a FACT that I stink at unconditional love, which is the only love God knows I do believe... So me loving Him in even a SEMI-EQUAL way to how He loves me is clearly impossible. However, I want to try. I want to learn and just attempt to know for a fact that I LOVE him wholeheartedly, that I NEED him unashamedly, and that I dream of Him only.
So much to attempt (the beautiful thing is, I really don't have to 'attempt' anything except the self-sacrifice. everything else comes from Him and straight back to Him.) but He makes it well worth it.
HE MAKES ME WELL WORTH IT.