Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Guilt Of Being Happy

Am I the only one that sometimes feels guilty for having an awesome life? If you read my blog any sort of regular amount or know me in real life, you know that I don't live in a world full of rainbows and butterflies. There are hard days and dry seasons and sometimes life really stinks.
But overall, my life rocks. I've been so abundantly blessed by my God that I can't even really thank Him properly. My parents are wonderful, and though we don't always get along and they argue basically every day, I wouldn't trade them for anyone at all. For the mushy gushy sentimental stuff about how much I love them, please see "Dear Dad". My siblings are also amazing and I would never trade them either, though I often wanted to when I was a kid. The majority of my friends are people that inspire, motivate, and challenge me daily. They encourage me, stand by me, and don't give up on me or abandon me for lame reasons (or really any reason at all). They love me in my mess and make my life more vibrant and thrilling. I go to a wonderful college that's full of a lot of people who a similar to me, and a lot of people who are different from me. I love the variety and kindred spirits I find in both categories. I have a mind that loves learning, which I can thank my homeschooling days for, and I'm a pretty intelligent person (I'm no Einstein, but I love deep conversations and can learn to converse about pretty much anything academic or philosophical). I have something within me that makes music continuously, which makes the music major life a lot more hearty and a lot easier. I am quite healthy, if you disregard the amount of soda and Taco Bell I consume and the number of pounds the world says I should lose to be "fit". I'm not on any medication, I have great eyesight and hearing (though the hearing is sure to leave soon if I continue blast 'You Make My Dreams' as loud as I do...). I'm not a big fan of my looks, but I figure if that's the worst thing that's wrong with me, aside from the things God is concerned with, then I'm doing ok.
I do have a sin problem. It's a big part of my life and something I give up every day and fail at most days. But God is so very faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9), which He does for me A LOT.
Once you consider all this, please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks my life rocks.
Because I certainly believe it does.
As I've begun realizing THAT this summer (it's taken a year for me to find life to be beautiful again, so please forgive me if this realization seems a little late in life), I've also been hanging out with and talking to a lot of friends/acquaintances becoming friends that are in a quite different boat.
They don't have good, supportive families and friends. They have a lot of things in their life that they regret doing. They have a lot of things in their life that are kind of dismal and hope-draining.
And here I sit trying to encourage them and become a part of their lives, I begin to sound like that annoying Christian radio station that's always talking about how *awesome* God is and how ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GIVE IT UP TO HIM and all those other cliché Christianese words and phrases.
As much as I never want to be that person that's so happy about life all the time that you just want to kill a puppy in front of them, I feel like I've become that person. And I feel guilty for it! I feel judged, and like I deserve the judgment, and like it makes sense for people to hate me a little bit and never want to talk to me about their life issues. I think I feel this way because I am so very familiar with the Slough of Despondency and the Depths of Despair {if you understand both of those literary allusions, please be my best friend!}. I remember quite vividly the pain and numbness and listlessness of life that has occurred before, and what little desire I had to have anything to do with overly happy people. Or people who "understood" or people who wanted to encourage me. I just wanted to sit in my mud puddle and pout and cry and be miserable. And if you wanted to jump in, well, the more the miserable-er.
I guess once I get down to it, I have no idea why any of this matters. I know not why anyone should care to read about why I feel guilty about my awesome, God-blessed life. The ponderings just happen and I can't really stop them so most of them just end up here, I suppose.
The questions I close with:
Why do we all stink at being happy for others?
What stops me from being able to relate to those whose lives aren't as sunny as mine currently?
What can I do to change that?

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